My husband and I have been apart for 1 1/2 years now going back and forth. He has had a gf but hid her and lied about her multiple times. Their affair started a couple months before he moved out. Our marriage was extremely torn and was on the verge of divorce even before her.
Over the time of separation he has been back and forth between us multiple times. The only difference now is that he has read the His Needs Her Needs book and we have been going to counseling.
My problem is that I want us under the same roof to work on this reconciliation. He feels that we have too much to work thru before that happens. I just cant help but feel that until he moves back in and lets go of his house that nothing has changed. I really need some advice.

Welcome to MB.

Is the OW married?

How long have you been married? Do you have any kids?

Please read these.

SAA-Start Here

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

well technically she is, he's going to prison.

He and I have been together for 8 years, married for 5. We got together when our children were 10, 6, 3, 2. But we don't share any together.

So the youngest is 10?

Have you told the children? Have you exposed his affair?

How did your WH meet the OW? Does her husband know about the affair? What's he going to prison for?

Is he still having an affair?

Were either of you married when you first met?

He's going for drugs. And yes he knew about it.

No, the kids are 18, 14, 11, 10 now. The 18 yr old knows but the younger ones don't.

She worked at a Sonic in a neighboring town and he stopped there everyday. There are only 3 places to eat in that town. He went thru the telling her that he no longer wanted them to have contact and has shared everything she has sent since then.

According to him, no he isn't still involved in the affair.

we were both finalizing divorces when we met

Have you talked to her husband about the affair? I suspect the affair is FAR from over and your H is a state of bliss keeping you around as an option while he carries on his affair with the OW. THAT is why he doesn't want to move back home, you would interfere with his affair.

I have read thru the website, what I cant find is anything that talks about living apart or living together.
I know he says that we need to spend as much time as possible together and we need to follow his guidelines.

Schwartz,

You wrote, we were both finalizing divorces when we met

So your marriage began as an affair between two married people, have you ever checked out your Hs story with his ex-W? This may be a pattern with your H.

God Bless
Gamma

yes we have talked about it and he has been exposed to everyone, what you have stated is of course my biggest concern. I have no issues with trying to move past it and making our marriage whole again.
That is why Im asking for help finding info on living apart or moving back in. I just would like to have some guidelines from the website that he and I can sit down and talk about.

She was actually the cheater in their marriage. And I was divorcing a raging alcoholic. We didn't involve our children or families or ourselves fully until we were divorced. But it any since, yes, our marriage started as an affair in some sense.

Schwartz,

Yes but did you confirm your Hs story, it's common for serial cheaters to make up fiction worlds where they are victims and heros. You might not know who you are married to.

God Bless
Gamma

The principle is to not spend the night apart. Dr. Harley doesn't recommend separation unless you are getting divorced, one spouse is an affair or a spouse is abusive.

How far away is the OW from your husband? Does she live and work close by?

The fact that he doesn't want to move back in indicates he is not really serious about recovering your marriage. I suspect that he is not serious because he is still in an active affair.

Here is Dr. Harley's checklist to recover from an affair, however, I think the fact that your husband doesn't want to move in is a problem:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Thank you very much. I have forwarded this to him and told him we need to purchase the book ASAP.

She lives in a neighboring town.

Well, he was a cheater too because he was still married when you were rolling around in the sack with him.

There is little hope for your situation. Most affairs do not last.
This includes people that hook up while "separated" or in the process of a divorce.

Did you expose to all of OW family and friends?
Did you post her on www.cheaterville.com?

Thank you for your opinion but I disagree.

What do you disagree with?
Did I state something nonfactual?

I don't agree that there is little hope for my marriage to be fixed. That is all.