Hello everybody.

Let me first say this forum has been a huge help for me during the last two weeks. Reading the stories and reading the advice from other folks who have gone through what I�m going through has been very helpful in helping me navigate this confusing time. I�ve never been an individual to post my thoughts like this but if it helps me move forward and grow and not be sad then I figured I didn�t have much to lose.
I�m 37 and my wife just turned 30. We have been in a relationship for 4 years and married for a year and a half. We married due to her getting pregnant. A month after the pregnancy we had a miscarriage. So we have no kids. Except for the occasional head butt (because we are both stubborn) the relationship has been blissfully wonderful except the last 3 to 4 months. She has been going through a rough time. Losing her job, having to work at a place where she is wayyyy over qualified and something about hitting 30 I think really messed her up. She had also been putting job applications out there only to be rejected time and time again. She had always been a drinker but the last several months a half a bottle of wine turned into buying a handle of Jim Beam or two or three.
Her job consisted of her traveling 6 months out of the year. After dealing with several years of her traveling and the chaotic nature of her job this last time �her contract ended� I gave her an ultimatum that the stress it causes me, her, and our relationship that she should not pursue her line of work anymore. I was at my wits end on dealing with it. With her loss of job and me racing to keep track of our bills I guess I worked too much and neglected to pay attention to her.
The final day before our well anticipated vacation we had planned (Both of us looked forward to it) all year had arrived and I left work an hour early and came home to her sleeping with someone in our spare bedroom. The thoughts and things that happened when I walked in on them go by pretty quickly but I flip out and almost bust a cap in their @$$. Thank God my mom�s face appeared in my head because I didn�t do it. My soul, my life, and my future could have irreparably taken a downward spiral. He ran and she sat on the couch drunk and looking stupefied. She apologized and even pleaded for me to stay in the spare room. I couldn�t be in this house any longer or I would have lost it. I didn�t hear much of what she was saying; I was utterly confounded and appalled. I just grabbed a suitcase of clothes, my personal crap, my cat, and dog and called a friend and said I needed to stay the night.
The next day I peaced out to Southern Florida (Our vacation spot) by myself. I figured I worked for it I was exhausted from working 65 hours a week and I was not sleeping due to me thinking over and over again on what I experienced. I don�t think I would have made it if I was within a hundred miles of her. She contacted me a few times to tell me she loved me but in my rage I told her never to use Love and me in the same sentence again. I told her I needed space and I drank to forget and tried to keep myself busy while down south. After about four days I was able to write a detailed note on my opinion of our relationship and the pain and the BS I dealt with just during our time together. She was a slob and a financial mess and things were just always chaotic. I guess six years dealing with things not changing and being stuck in this wheel of chaos I too realized I wasn�t happy in the relationship. The note was not pleasant but I wasn�t mean at all on my points (More stern I guess) I pretty much said I should get a divorce but the only reason I�m not is because I come from a long line of shattered relationships, and I made a vow to my family and God that I am in this marriage through think and thin. It took so much effort to write that last part because my feelings were hurt. My pride was hurt and she broke our vows and trust between us.

I get back into town 7 days later. My chest would still get the �broken heart feel� several times a day but nothing like 72 hours of the gut wrenching pain I experienced. The next day I get back I ask her if I can grab more of my crap. In walk into our house and she cooks me a lasagna dinner like nothing ever happened. (A lasagna dinner) I regretfully say I�m not interested and I want answers not food. During this visit I tell her I cannot be in the house together with her. So I�m finding a place to live on my own. I also brought up why she did what she did. She said she only slept with this guy 2x but all I hear are lies out of her mouth. She has no explanation on her actions. She doesn�t know why she did what she did. It just happened. She is whole heartedly sorry. She brought up that I�m also like her best friend and not her lover. This cut deep. (Wtf does that mean) My reply was that I was working my butt off to help pay the bills and to be a provider. She said we didn�t have sex enough. I either was totally exhausted from work, disgruntled at her for drinking and being a slob. Being a drunken retarded mess after I get off work doesn�t really make my juices flow. I told her to think about our relationship and not to straddle the fence. If she wants counseling and to work at our marriage then she has to put the effort into it. We sit there another 20 minutes not talking and I pretty much said I guess that�s it. She is a horrible communicator and like always I�m stuck holding a wet paper bag. My final convo with her was a question I had always wanted to know. If she had an eating disorder. She told me yes. This was an issue for several years I tried to help her with but she never came clean. It knocked me back when she came clean. I asked if she was handling it better and she said yes.

It�s been two weeks since D day. And a week since I�ve seen her face to face. I move into the apartment in a few weeks and I�m TRYING to focus on the future. I�m tearing out my skin to call her, to talk to her to see her. I even regret not eating her food now. And it�s over that last question I asked. Why after everything is over and were talking about divorce that she finally wants to come clean about something like that. I don�t want to push her away due to my stubbornness but I�m hurt and even though I�m calm and rational deep down I get twangs of guilt and sadness. Should I give her a few weeks to think about our marriage? Or should I just focus on making my life better now. I don't want to push her away but I also don't want her to this that was ok. Is my pride gonna mess this up for me? I�m sorry about the book I just wrote and if this seems confusing.

R.J

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. This site is a treasure trove of information on recovery from infidelity. Although the sucker punch you received might seem like an absolute deal breaker to you, you should know that marriages can recover and thrive after disasters like this. It isn't easy to do so, but it can be done. Your marriage can be fantastic. Are you interested?

Im willing to try anything.

Please watch this video. Then, let's talk about it.

Hi Rjantz, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here.

Your wife is an alcoholic, isn't she?

Sir, you may benefit from attending an AlAnon meeting.
Have you ever been to one?

Personally, I would walk but that's your decision to make.


^^^^ This comment does not jive with the rest of what you posted.

At the start of our relationship we would drink casually. But since she started to travel the last three years the drinking has increased n I just chalked it up to work stress. There have been several issues when I would get pissed because she's drunk and spoke to me in a conisending nature. But I always figured I was sensitive.

Sir,

The first thing you need to do is EXPOSE her affair far and wide,
Please read the Exposure 101 link in MelodyLane signature above and then return after you have read it and understand exposure

Did you watch this video?

It sounds to me like she has crossed over to alcoholism. Aside from her drinking, her traveling job is a major impediment to your marriage. If you want to recover your marriage, she will have to a) stop drinking and b) stop traveling. Otherwise, your marriage can't be saved no matter what you do.

This can be saved, but she is going to have to make some radical changes here.

And you should certainly expose the affair to everyone. After you do that, I would confront this piece of garbage OM.

I just watched the video. How would I approach my wife with the points in the video? Just set up a time where we can talk and present it to her?

With the drinking issue and the infidelity along with the student debt she has and her lax monetary skills and her slobbish nature I want to file divorce papers. I dontknow what the heck is wrong with me wanting to keep punishing myself to "work" on whats left of us. Is this normal?

Who is OM? Is he married? How does she know him?

Have you been tested for STD?

The first thing you need to do is Read the Exposure 101 thread in melodyLane signature and then return after doing so

Dont know who OM is. But it could have been a friend/aquantance from before we got married. And getting tested soon since I didnt even think about stds. Ill read that topic Jedi. Thanks man

There isn't much here to save, i am sorry to say. You don't have a marriage unless she makes radical changes. If not, you are better off leaving the marriage.

plus dishonesty, plus eating disorder