Marriage Builders
Posted By: dfh88 so many questions - 09/23/14 05:31 PM
I found out about a month ago that my husband was (is?) having an emotional affair with someone he met on facebook. The person lives in a different country and appears to be extremely wealth, which we are not. I guess during some of their conversations she offered to buy me a house or whatever I would need to let him go so he could be happy. He fully admitted that it happened and said that he did not guard his heart.

We have been married 19 years and have 5 children - 3 who are older and 2 who are very young. We have had some challenging things happen in our marriage and it has not been easy for the last number of years. I know I have been pretty much focusing on the kids and not meeting his emotional needs like I needed to.

So, while confessing to me what happened, he said that he met his soulmate and that they can talk about anything. He said that now that he knows he did not guard his heart he can keep healthy boundaries on this relationship. (They have a common love of art and poetry.) I said I was not sure that could really happen, but he asked for time to try to untangle things. He has told me I am free to read facebook messages but would find it offensive if I did so because there are things about her life that are not my business to know. He has always given me his password but has now changed it, told me what it is, but not how to actually log in with it.

They have also skyped. He did tell me about this initially and asked me if it was ok. I trusted him and said I didn't see any reason it would be a problem (how wrong was I?) I also found out that right near the end they were talking on the cell phone, which created an enormous cell phone bill. I have since blocked all cell phone calling and texting through the company, so all that is left is facebook and skype.

He has told her he is going to stay and work on his marriage. We went away for a weekend and he told her he would not have any contact while we were gone. Then she started sending him a bunch of awful messages telling him how horrible he was, etc. It pretty much preoccupied him the whole time we were gone. Two days later we were going to our childs sporting event and he again told her he would be away from his phone for several hours and even gave it to me to keep so he wouldn't be tempted. Right before we left she sent a message saying she felt like "death." He then spent the whole time out for dinner and the beginning of the game worrying whether or not she was ok. He finally took his phone back to make sure. This week he is away on a trip for a week where he really can't use his phone (in a wilderness area) and the night before he leaves she dumps more negative on him.

I have pointed out repeatedly that there seems to be a pattern of sabotage from her whenever he has family things. He said it isn't like that.

I have just started reading through all of the information I am finding on this website and hope to be able to finish before he gets back from his trip on Friday.

I guess I am just looking for advice/encouragement, etc.

I have always been trusting, but I feel like this is turning me into a paranoid person. I hate that! I have also been trying to be understanding and accommodating while he is trying to "untangle."

1. am I totally nuts for agreeing to let him "untangle"
2. will he ever be able to have a relationship with this person that is just a friendship?
3. he is 20 years older than her
4. she is international and just asked him to come with her so she can show him the sights of her hometown
5. he says he wants to work on our marriage, but I feel like he is more worried about her feelings and how she is doing than he is about me.
6. I am just so stinking confused and because of our living situation there is no one I can talk to in my town...
Posted By: susiew Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 05:41 PM
I have no advice as I am a mess myself but sending you hugs...
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 06:20 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
I found out about a month ago that my husband was (is?) having an emotional affair with someone he met on facebook. The person lives in a different country and appears to be extremely wealth, which we are not. I guess during some of their conversations she offered to buy me a house or whatever I would need to let him go so he could be happy. He fully admitted that it happened and said that he did not guard his heart.

We have been married 19 years and have 5 children - 3 who are older and 2 who are very young. We have had some challenging things happen in our marriage and it has not been easy for the last number of years. I know I have been pretty much focusing on the kids and not meeting his emotional needs like I needed to.

So, while confessing to me what happened, he said that he met his soulmate and that they can talk about anything. He said that now that he knows he did not guard his heart he can keep healthy boundaries on this relationship. (They have a common love of art and poetry.) I said I was not sure that could really happen, but he asked for time to try to untangle things. He has told me I am free to read facebook messages but would find it offensive if I did so because there are things about her life that are not my business to know. He has always given me his password but has now changed it, told me what it is, but not how to actually log in with it.

They have also skyped. He did tell me about this initially and asked me if it was ok. I trusted him and said I didn't see any reason it would be a problem (how wrong was I?) I also found out that right near the end they were talking on the cell phone, which created an enormous cell phone bill. I have since blocked all cell phone calling and texting through the company, so all that is left is facebook and skype.

He has told her he is going to stay and work on his marriage. We went away for a weekend and he told her he would not have any contact while we were gone. Then she started sending him a bunch of awful messages telling him how horrible he was, etc. It pretty much preoccupied him the whole time we were gone. Two days later we were going to our childs sporting event and he again told her he would be away from his phone for several hours and even gave it to me to keep so he wouldn't be tempted. Right before we left she sent a message saying she felt like "death." He then spent the whole time out for dinner and the beginning of the game worrying whether or not she was ok. He finally took his phone back to make sure. This week he is away on a trip for a week where he really can't use his phone (in a wilderness area) and the night before he leaves she dumps more negative on him.

I have pointed out repeatedly that there seems to be a pattern of sabotage from her whenever he has family things. He said it isn't like that.

I have just started reading through all of the information I am finding on this website and hope to be able to finish before he gets back from his trip on Friday.

I guess I am just looking for advice/encouragement, etc.

I have always been trusting, but I feel like this is turning me into a paranoid person. I hate that! I have also been trying to be understanding and accommodating while he is trying to "untangle."

1. am I totally nuts for agreeing to let him "untangle"
2. will he ever be able to have a relationship with this person that is just a friendship?
3. he is 20 years older than her
4. she is international and just asked him to come with her so she can show him the sights of her hometown
5. he says he wants to work on our marriage, but I feel like he is more worried about her feelings and how she is doing than he is about me.
6. I am just so stinking confused and because of our living situation there is no one I can talk to in my town...

dfh88, I am sorry for the pain that has brought you to this forum.

EDIT: Actually the very first thing you need to do is to read up on Exposure and expose the affair!

The next thing that would need to happen for a marital recovery to begin for your H to write a letter of No Contact, and then he needs to make it impossible for the OW to ever contact him again.

Your H would need to eliminate completely FB and Skype and any other condition that led to his affair.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? If not, I highly recommend it. You can purchase it in a hard copy book and it's also downloadable from Amazon.

Your H would need to agree to Just Compensation, which is two parts: Extraordinary Precautions and creating a passionate, romantic, safe marriage with you that is much much better than it ever has been.

You have been with your H while the affair has been ongoing under your nose and Dr. Harley would say you are probably more than ready for Plan B. Your health is at great risk if you suffer much more with your vacillating husband.

Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 06:21 PM
Here is a checklist for you to review. This is what would need to happen in order for your marriage to survive your H's affair.

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley, Surviving an Affair
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 06:23 PM
Do you have some concrete evidence of the affair? Email, FB messages, etc? If so, print them out and keep them in a safe place.

Read this link on Exposure and get ready to expose the affair.

Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon
Posted By: Still_Crazy Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 06:33 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
1. am I totally nuts for agreeing to let him "untangle"
2. will he ever be able to have a relationship with this person that is just a friendship?
3. he is 20 years older than her
4. she is international and just asked him to come with her so she can show him the sights of her hometown
5. he says he wants to work on our marriage, but I feel like he is more worried about her feelings and how she is doing than he is about me.
6. I am just so stinking confused and because of our living situation there is no one I can talk to in my town...


1. Yes you are totally nuts for agreeing to anything right now. Your WH is in a �fog� and will throw you to the curb every time (as you have seen yourself).
2. There is no such thing as OS friendship in a marriage; it just does not work that way.
3. That does not matter.
4. That does not matter.
5. He says he wants to work on your marriage but he does not want to give up his �friendship�, what kind of a marriage is that (see #2 AGAIN).
6. What do you mean by your living situation? Just that there is no one to talk to. You need to be talking to everyone your H knows and tell them his is �dating� another woman because that is what he is doing.

And agree, agree, agree with LongWayFromHome
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 06:41 PM
I do have concrete evidence of the affair and the continued conversations on facebook chat and skype chat. Although they are not as intense as before and he does appear to be keeping the boundaries in place that he has told me he would, she seems to say things that try to undermine me, etc. By the grace of God I have been aware when they have been chatting and have been able to copy the conversations before they get deleted. She is pretty paranoid about me and has accused me of changing my husbands account settings, etc. (which I have not done) and being controlling, etc.

What I have been struggling with recently is that he really doesn't have a close friend or confidant and this relationship really did bring him joy while it was on the up and up, before things went too far.

It breaks my heart to hear him say he will never be happy again. It also makes me feel like I will never be able to compete with her youth, beauty, and wealth.

He did confide in one person, who told him it was wrong, he needed to stop it and that it was just a game to this other person. He hasn't spoken to him about it since. Although he did concede the other night that maybe it is somewhat of a game to her. They met on a poetry site and she has had at least 3 other men fall in love with her and she has rejected them all...

He also just told me he would like to acquire a passport. I'm thinking no to that one...

I guess what feels hard to me is that he told me that he could have left if he wanted to (which is not totally true without the passport) but he chose to stay so I need not be worried...

Unfortunately, I am worried, and paranoid and a whole host of other things...and feeling at wits end.

I guess I do worry that if I give him an ultimatum that he will choose to walk and I don't know how I will raise 5 kids on my own. Our housing and everything is tied to his job which he will not have if he walks away. So, then I will have no husband, no income, no home, and 5 kids. (one in college and one that is 17 months) It all feels very scary...
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 06:54 PM
Your H is in the affair fog right now. His brain isn't clear about anything and he is on the brink of making the worst decision of his life.

In order for the marriage to survive, ALL contact would have to end with the OW. No further contact EVER.

There are no good boundaries with affair partners - only NO contact ever again for the rest of their lives.

To your concerns, your H would have to pay child support and probably some kind of spousal support. You could probably also qualify for social welfare such as food stamps, WIC, etc. You would need to train for a job that would support you and probably would need to rely on the help of family members.

But all this is much better than enduring the suffering of having a wayward spouse right in your house expecting you to put with some silly wayward notions of some kind of "boundaries" with the OW.

If you stay much longer, your health will deteriorate, and you will become less attractive to your spouse. You are an option at the moment. Don't be an option for your H have in the background in case this affair doesn't work out. And it more than likely will not work out. By the time you wait it out in the same household with him, you will grow very depressed and probably hate your husband for putting you through the pain of his affair.

Of course you are worried; you have every reason in the world to worry. Your H is in contact with the OW and is making plans to visit.

Good for you for copying the conversations! Be as calm as possible with no love busters. You probably should see your doctor for antidepressants to see you through this time.

Have you read the Exposure thread? Please read through the entire thread and make notes. Keep it all very quiet, hush hush, while you sleuth away. Don't let him discover this website.
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 06:57 PM
Ok, so here is the issue...

my husband is a pastor.

we live in a parsonage.

with exposure could very well come a job termination and then total loss of income, housing, etc.
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 07:06 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
Ok, so here is the issue...

my husband is a pastor.

we live in a parsonage.

with exposure could very well come a job termination and then total loss of income, housing, etc.

I am deeply sorry for this. But it's so terribly wrong for a pastor to be leading his flock of believers while he is being unfaithful to his wife. He can find another job.

This happened to a pastor in our home church, too. He was exposed for having several affairs over the past two years. The congregation was shocked and disappointed, but that's kind of the fallout from engaging in affairs, yes? I certainly don't want my pastor to be a cheater.

Exposure isn't so that your H is to wear the proverbial scarlet letter for the rest of his life. Rather it's for support for you - support you very desperately need right now. It's also therapeutic for your H to see his affair in the light of day.

I understand this is all very scary and overwhelming for you right now. But the worst thing you can do for your husband, children, and marriage is to sit helplessly by while your H carries on with another woman. He is making the worst mistake of his life and you can do something to help stop him.
Posted By: armymama Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 07:09 PM
Currently, your husband is not fit for his job. Expose the affair and ask for help and support from the church.

AM
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 07:15 PM
The only person I have shared almost all of the details with is his mother. My oldest 2 children had some suspicions so I have clued them in. Everything that has been going on between them is long distance.

Can I push for no contact before exposure would happen or does it all need to happen at the same time?

In terms of some of the things I read about exposure, she has blocked me so I do not have access to anything related to her facebook page. The only contact I have for her is the cell phone bill that has her number on it. (I also copied and kept all of that from when I found out.)

What can/should I say to my husband? He is on a wilderness trip right now and will be gone for the rest of the week. He has no cell service. Would it be wrong when he returns to tell him I changed my mind and don't want him to have any contact with her?

He is also on the trip with his brother. Should I try to talk to him about this when they get back?
Posted By: armymama Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 07:18 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
What can/should I say to my husband? He is on a wilderness trip right now and will be gone for the rest of the week. He has no cell service. Would it be wrong when he returns to tell him I changed my mind and don't want him to have any contact with her?

He is also on the trip with his brother. Should I try to talk to him about this when they get back?

This is a huge red flag to me. Do you know for certain that your husband is on a trip with his brother? Does his brother know about the affair? You do realize that it is very possible that the OW has a passport and has traveled to meet with your husband.

AM
Posted By: armymama Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 07:23 PM
BTW, my mother-in-law was more than useless in breaking up my H's affair. Rather, she actually encouraged it. So, don't count on support from her.

Tell all your children who are over the age of 4.

It is not wrong for you to demand that your husband stop all contact with this woman. Eliminate all conditions that make it possible to contact each other; no Facebook, no Skype, change H's phone number, etch.

AM
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 07:26 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
The only person I have shared almost all of the details with is his mother. My oldest 2 children had some suspicions so I have clued them in. Everything that has been going on between them is long distance.

Have you asked for his mother's help in killing the affair? Let all your children know who are over the age of four. Affairs affect the entire family, not just the spouse. Emotional affairs are every bit as damaging to marriages as physical affairs. But at least the OW is far away.

Originally Posted by dfh88
Can I push for no contact before exposure would happen or does it all need to happen at the same time?

Expose first. Your husband will be embarrassed and angry, but that's okay. Just be prepared for the anger.

At the same time, tell him calmly that in order for you to consider staying in the marriage, ALL contact would have to end completely and forever AND all the ways of communication with her must be eliminated.

But since he's away right now, exposure would happen first.

Originally Posted by dfh88
In terms of some of the things I read about exposure, she has blocked me so I do not have access to anything related to her facebook page. The only contact I have for her is the cell phone bill that has her number on it. (I also copied and kept all of that from when I found out.)

Can you create a fake account on FB, hack your H's account, or ask one of your older children to see if they can find her and copy her list of FB friends?

Check out the Operation Investigate forum for some ways to research her cell phone number. Some people set up their FB accounts using their cell phone numbers.

Originally Posted by dfh88
What can/should I say to my husband? He is on a wilderness trip right now and will be gone for the rest of the week. He has no cell service. Would it be wrong when he returns to tell him I changed my mind and don't want him to have any contact with her?

Tell him that his affair has hurt you terribly and that in order for you to consider staying in the marriage, he would need to send the No Contact letter immediately. Use the template in the notable posts forum. The letter is written in a way that YOU approve and then mail.

Originally Posted by dfh88
He is also on the trip with his brother. Should I try to talk to him about this when they get back?

Yes, when your H gets home, see if you can have the children out of the house or get a sitter and you both leave the house. Tell him his affair is the worst thing he could have done to you and that for the marriage to be saved, he needs to write the letter to OW and never have contact again. Be very calm and pleasant.
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 07:34 PM
My husbands brother lives 5 hours away and arrived Sunday evening. They and 2 other men from our town left Monday morning with 2 canoes strapped to the top of the vehicle. I am confident that where they are...she is not.

My husband's brother does not know, but I am hoping he will tell him on the trip. If he doesn't, should I tell my brother-in-law?

Also, my mother-in-law has been very supportive and grateful I am willing to hang in there with her son. She probably won't be the most effective tool in getting my husband to stop, but has been great with me. My mom, on the other hand would be delighted. I have said nothing to her because she has been trying to break up our marriage for years. She will offer no encouragement or support except for me to leave...

I guess I feel I have botched this mightly. I should never have agreed to the continued contact, but just didn't know what to do...
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 07:39 PM
Don't beat yourself up. Affairs make the betrayed spouse feel like a deer in the headlights.

Exposure - Tell everyone who is in your life. Tell your family members and ask them to help you kill the affair. Ask for their support while you work your plan. Tell your friends, tell your elders and the congregation. Do it all at once, like a tsunami. Do it without any warning.

Don't expect that your H will tell your BIl the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. If he says anything at all, it will be HIS spin. That's why exposure is very important. The people who can most help will know the truth, not the wayward's spun truth.
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 07:42 PM
Have you watched Dr Harley's video on infidelity? It's excellent. Infidelity: What every couple needs to know
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 07:43 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
<<<< SNIP >>>>> My mom, on the other hand would be delighted. I have said nothing to her because she has been trying to break up our marriage for years. She will offer no encouragement or support except for me to leave...

<<<<<SNIP>>>>>

Why does your mother not like your husband?
Posted By: armymama Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 07:43 PM
Ok, good. I had a vision of the well-known governor who said he was hiking the Appalachian Trail when he was actually in South America.

Tell your brother-in-law, especially if he is likely to be supportive of you.

If you haven't done so already, real the articles about Surviving an Affair. Also, get and read Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair".

You haven't botched this. None of us are really prepared on how to deal with an affair. The plans on MB really work at busting up an affair and then recovering the marriage.

AM
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 07:46 PM
I do have her cell phone number. I kept that info when I found it and had her blocked. I know she has mentioned to my husband that she has other cells she could use to call him, but I have been checking the account and there has been no activity on that front.

All communication is currently through Skype or Facebook messenger. I have been able to find both of those passwords and probably have most of the conversations from those interactions copied and saved.

She is really paranoid about me tracking all of those conversations and messing with his facebook settings. My husband told her he changed the password and that I am not. And I am not messing with his facebook settings, but am tracking on the conversations. She has taken to deleting all the conversations when they are done, so I need to be at a computer copying and pasting while things are happening or they are gone...I do believe I have most everything.

To his credit, my husband has been pretty forthcoming about what he is doing and if he is receiving communication from her. Several times he has told me he would like to respond and asked if he could...
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 07:49 PM
You have your H's FB password? That's great. Log in and get the OW's FB contacts pasted onto a word document for exposure.

I'm shocked that you are acting so "okay" with your H's communication with the OW. He's doing it blatantly and you are acting as though it's okay. Please help him by exposing the affair and demanding that all contact end.
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 07:52 PM
My mother is a dysfunctional mess. I know she loves me and my siblings, but she has some serious issues she has never worked. through. She is down on my brother's marriage as well and they actually have a great marriage.

I think that a big part of the issue is that my mother likes to control and she sees my husband as a threat to that control of me.

They bring out the worst in each other and I am often caught in the middle.

My marriage has definitely not been all roses and I let myself get too wrapped up in raising our kids. But, I never wanted it to come to this and I really can't see how breaking up the marriage would bring good to anybody (especially the kids)
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 07:56 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
My mother is a dysfunctional mess. I know she loves me and my siblings, but she has some serious issues she has never worked. through. She is down on my brother's marriage as well and they actually have a great marriage.

I think that a big part of the issue is that my mother likes to control and she sees my husband as a threat to that control of me.

They bring out the worst in each other and I am often caught in the middle.

My marriage has definitely not been all roses and I let myself get too wrapped up in raising our kids. But, I never wanted it to come to this and I really can't see how breaking up the marriage would bring good to anybody (especially the kids)

Your efforts right now should be on killing the affair, or the affair will certainly break up your marriage. Or, if your marriage manages to survive the affair and it's swept under the rug with unconditional forgiveness, it will be a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage.

There are multiple steps that need to be accomplished so you don't need to worry at the moment about divorce.

Your most effective weapon you have to kill the affair is widespread exposure. Use the weapons you have at your disposal.
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 07:57 PM
Initially, I just wanted him to be able to have a friend to talk to. His best friend in our town died last year of a massive heart attack.

He told me that someone had contacted him and wanted to talk about poetry through messaging and asked if I was ok with that, and I was.

He came to me and told me that his heart had gotten involved and that he had met his soulmate, fallen in love, etc. He said that he knew it was wrong and could put appropriate boundaries on it.

Probably, naively, I said that might be ok if there could be proper boundaries. But, what I am finding is that I am really not ok with it.

I am finding myself becoming suspicious and paranoid and am just starting to realize how damaging it is to me.
Posted By: unwritten Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 07:59 PM
Your H is having an affair. Right before your very eyes. You are 'agreeing' to him having an affair right before your very eyes.

I have read a lot of 'am I wrong' stuff in this thread coming from you. NO you are not wrong for perceiving an obvious threat to your marriage and family. NO you are not wrong for wanting it to stop. NO you are not wrong for 'changing your mind.' Good grief, where is the anger here?

You need to stop worrying about your WH's job and reputation, and start worrying about your family falling apart. Him being gone is a golden opportunity for you to be strong and TAKE ACTION.

First, contact this OW and tell her that you are fighting for your marriage and your family, and she needs to be gone yesterday.

Second, read up on the exposure thread. In your situation, THIS will kill the affair dead in its tracks. If your WH comes back from his woods vacation to the whole world knowing about what he is doing, it will blow up his affair fantasyland like a bomb.

Third, install spyware on every device he owns.

Then when he returns, you need to demand that he end his affair. Tell him you were deluded and confused when you agreed to contact with a woman who is clearly working to break up your marriage and family. You will no longer be a part of supporting his behavior.

Don't beat yourself up for what has or hasn't been done to this point. Adultery is the most painful thing one spouse can do to another, nobody knows how to act when it happens. Thats what we are here to help you with.

But you do to stop enabling this affair, and start fighting for your marriage.

Posted By: unwritten Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 08:00 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
Initially, I just wanted him to be able to have a friend to talk to.

He has a friend to talk to. He has YOU. You are his WIFE. God intended for YOU to be his best friend, not some demanding bimbo trying to break up his family.
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 08:21 PM
The sad part is, I don't know if he believes that is possible...and right now I don't know if I believe it either. I want to fight, but feel so beaten down right now I am having trouble functioning.
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 08:30 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
The sad part is, I don't know if he believes that is possible...and right now I don't know if I believe it either. I want to fight, but feel so beaten down right now I am having trouble functioning.

For now it doesn't matter what he believes. Marriages can recover from affairs, but it's very narrow path and each step needs to be followed.

Can you see your doctor and ask for anti-depressants? Tell the doctor what's going on and that you are having a tough time functioning. The ADs will help you think more clearly. They are not addictive and won't make you feel strange. Dr. Harley often recommends Wellbutrin as a good first start. If you are suffering a great deal of anxiety, I have had great success with Lexapro, which treats both depression AND anxiety (racing thoughts, heart palpitations)
Posted By: armymama Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 08:35 PM
Originally Posted by unwritten
Originally Posted by dfh88
Initially, I just wanted him to be able to have a friend to talk to.

He has a friend to talk to. He has YOU. You are his WIFE. God intended for YOU to be his best friend, not some demanding bimbo trying to break up his family.

Absolutely!
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 08:45 PM
Thank you so much for listening...I have never been very good with conflict...always a people pleaser.

I am going to spend my time the rest of the week reading through the things on this site to get myself better informed.

What is the best way to proceed through these things, both alone and, God willing, with my spouse...

Thanks again!
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 08:49 PM
How do you install spyware on his devices and should he know this is happening?
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 08:54 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
How do you install spyware on his devices and should he know this is happening?

Check out the Operation Investigate forum. And NO, he should not know. Any snooping you do is always without his knowledge. Dr. Harley advises openness and honesty, EXCEPT when it comes to snooping.
Posted By: unwritten Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 09:03 PM
Your first order of business is killing this affair.

There is LOADS of valuable FREE information on this site to help you build the marriage of your dreams, and many many veterans who have done just that to guide you. There is a free daily radio broadcast to listen to, the opportunity to email Dr Harley and/or talk to him on his radio show for free advice. There are fairly inexpensive books to read. And if and when your WH gets back on track, there are more intensive phone counseling and/or online programs to invest in.

But for right now, you need to kill the affair.
Posted By: unwritten Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 09:04 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
How do you install spyware on his devices and should he know this is happening?

No he should absolutely NOT know this is happening.

What is the good of spyware if he knows you are spying on him.
Posted By: unwritten Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 09:17 PM
The best way to proceed is to expose his affair. Spending your week 'reading through the site' is avoiding the immediate threat to your marriage. You need to eliminate that threat first.
Posted By: unwritten Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 09:20 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
To his credit, my husband has been pretty forthcoming about what he is doing and if he is receiving communication from her. Several times he has told me he would like to respond and asked if he could...

If your WH asked you if he could rob a bank, and you said yes go ahead, would that make him less of a bank robber? No. It would just mean that you gave him permission to be a bank robber.

There is no credit to give here, sorry.
Posted By: unwritten Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 09:21 PM
How did he first meet and contact this OW anyway, if she lives in another country?
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 09:25 PM
Originally Posted by unwritten
The best way to proceed is to expose his affair. Spending your week 'reading through the site' is avoiding the immediate threat to your marriage. You need to eliminate that threat first.

The above needs to be your plan. Killing the affair is essential and the most effective way to do this is through exposure.

Read through the Exposure 101 thread and make notes. Create a list of all the contacts and start exposing. After that, reading the rest of the infidelity material is a great idea.

Kill the affair first. Expose!
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 09:26 PM
He met her through a facebook poetry page. She apparently has a love of poetry and poets. My husband is the 4th or 5th that has "fallen in love" with her...by his own admission the other night. The first glimmer that he may be seeing something negative about her...wondering if she could indeed be playing some sort of game since this always seems to happen with poets.
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 09:28 PM
She keeps telling him she is going to walk away, but then doesn't.

Do you think if I could find a way to contact her to tell her to stay away, she actually would?

Personally, it seems that she likes to mess with my husbands head. Keep him constantly in turmoil.
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 09:29 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
He met her through a facebook poetry page. She apparently has a love of poetry and poets. My husband is the 4th or 5th that has "fallen in love" with her...by his own admission the other night. The first glimmer that he may be seeing something negative about her...wondering if she could indeed be playing some sort of game since this always seems to happen with poets.

Waywards do not think with any logic. Don't expect the fact that other men have fallen in love with her will change how he feels about her. Don't try to reason or understand what waywards think. It's all foggy.

The kindest thing you can do for your H, before he destroys his marriage and his relationships with you and his children, is to kill the affair.
Posted By: garak77 Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 09:36 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
Ok, so here is the issue...

my husband is a pastor.

we live in a parsonage.

with exposure could very well come a job termination and then total loss of income, housing, etc.

God still loves your husband, but this can't go on.
God can use this for good believe it or not.
God loves you but the way.
Jeremiah 29:11
Posted By: unwritten Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 09:38 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
She keeps telling him she is going to walk away, but then doesn't.

Do you think if I could find a way to contact her to tell her to stay away, she actually would?

Personally, it seems that she likes to mess with my husbands head. Keep him constantly in turmoil.

No, it is unlikely she will stay away. But it will tell her that you are no longer going to be an accomplice to this affair, and that you are going to fight for your marriage and family.

It doesn't matter what she tells him, or what her intention is. She is a skank who is trying to steal your husband! That is all you need to know and act on.
Posted By: NB28 Re: so many questions - 09/23/14 09:51 PM
With all due respect Dfh

There is no way anyone should allow their husband to stay in any way shape or form in contact with a woman who he confessed to be falling in love with.

That's just inviting trouble!!

Your WH is addicted to the love feeling he is having towards this trashy home wrecker the same way an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol. You wouldn't let an alcoholic near a bar and trust he won't be drinking. So why would you ever agree to any contact with this woman?

It almost sends a message to your WH that you are complacent about your marriage and you don't care about him enough to fight for it by allowing him to continue down this road. Many wayward spouses eventually thank the BS for fighting for them and helping them get out of a bad mistake they are making by having an affair.

Who cares if the OW thinks your controlling, you are giving her FAR too much power over your marriage, she's a stranger on the Internet and nothing more, no one cares what she thinks.

Expose the Affair, help your husband through this so he can become the faithful and loving husband you married once again and help your kids by keeping your family together,

The more your letting your WH get away with his distructive choices and freezing in fear of the consequences of him facing his actions the less chance you have of keeping your family together.

You have a golden opportunity while he is away to expose, kill this affair and get your house in order.

I would highly reccomend you expose while he is away because the fact he does not have any contact with her for this week should make it easier for you to ensure a swift end to the affair. She will be going crazy knowing she was exposed yet can't contact him to have a good old whine about it, she will be on her own for a few days having to deal with her own mess and who knows by the time he gets back she may even hate him and not want to talk to him again. Win win and more win.

You will also soon see if he has been truthful and he is not able to contact her while he is away, because if you expose her while he is away and he finds out about it that will mean he has lied to you again.

You don't need his opinion or permission to protect your family, don't let the drunk drive the bus on this one, your kids need you to be strong and pull this off for their sake as their father has proven to be a weak enough person that he allowed himself to enter into an emotional relationship with another woman while married.

Please stop saying he needs friend! He's not a child and your not his mother, he's an adult and should be able to make friends that compliment his marriage all on his own he does not need you to worry about him making friend. After all he is away with 4 friends right now isn't he?

Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/24/14 12:40 AM
As far as I can tell there is no way to expose her on her end. She has no friends listed on her facebook page. I think everything is set to strict/private. I am starting the process on this end...

Any other suggestions?
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: so many questions - 09/24/14 01:10 AM
Originally Posted by dfh88
As far as I can tell there is no way to expose her on her end. She has no friends listed on her facebook page. I think everything is set to strict/private. I am starting the process on this end...

Any other suggestions?

If you have your H's FB password, you can log in as your husband and locate the OW on his friend's list, then copy her FB friends onto a word document.

MelodyLane's Exposure 101 thread has a lot of great ideas on exposure.
Posted By: unwritten Re: so many questions - 09/24/14 02:44 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
As far as I can tell there is no way to expose her on her end. She has no friends listed on her facebook page. I think everything is set to strict/private. I am starting the process on this end...

Any other suggestions?

Have you read through the exposure thread yet?

You can find out LOADS of information on the internet. Start with using your H's Facebook account, if she has you blocked from information that does not mean she has her friends blocked. Copy and paste her friends list. Look at any pics she is in, see if there are friends or relatives tagged in those pics. See what friends and family post on her wall.

If Facebook and internet searches fail, can you hire a PI to get more information about her? Since she is an anonymous person on the internet, it is very possible that everything she has told your H is a lie. She could be married for all you know, in which case her H could be your greatest exposure target.

You want to expose swiftly and all at once, you do not want to 'trickle' expose meaning, a little here, a little there. Exposure is most effective when done all at once. You also want to do this without informing anyone you are going to.
Posted By: susiew Re: so many questions - 09/24/14 04:34 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
The sad part is, I don't know if he believes that is possible...and right now I don't know if I believe it either. I want to fight, but feel so beaten down right now I am having trouble functioning.

I feel so much like you. My WH says affair is over but that our marriage was broken way before he ever had the affair. He is refusing to work on our marriage.
Posted By: armymama Re: so many questions - 09/24/14 08:56 PM
It is typical for wayward to make these kinds of comments. They will often re-write the marital history to justify an affair.

AM
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: so many questions - 09/24/14 11:51 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
As far as I can tell there is no way to expose her on her end. She has no friends listed on her facebook page. I think everything is set to strict/private. I am starting the process on this end...

Any other suggestions?
Do you have her name? You can search for her online.
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 03:40 AM
I do have a name and a google search does not turn up much. From what my husband has told me, she is a very private person and doesn't let much info out. She is an attorney in her country and takes care to cover her tracks. She is also pretty paranoid that I am tracking what is happening online. That is probably why she blocked mine and my oldest childs facebook pages even though we were not friends with her. The other piece is that she is incredibly wealthy (if she was telling my husband the truth) and I'm guessing that is helping to keep her more "invisible" - homes in gated communities all over the world, etc. And can I just say how happy I am that my husband does not have a passport?!?!?
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 03:53 AM
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by dfh88
As far as I can tell there is no way to expose her on her end. She has no friends listed on her facebook page. I think everything is set to strict/private. I am starting the process on this end...

Any other suggestions?
Do you have her name? You can search for her online.

I suggest you post her online at www.cheaterville.com
Posted By: armymama Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 12:01 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
I do have a name and a google search does not turn up much. From what my husband has told me, she is a very private person and doesn't let much info out. She is an attorney in her country and takes care to cover her tracks. She is also pretty paranoid that I am tracking what is happening online. That is probably why she blocked mine and my oldest childs facebook pages even though we were not friends with her. The other piece is that she is incredibly wealthy (if she was telling my husband the truth) and I'm guessing that is helping to keep her more "invisible" - homes in gated communities all over the world, etc. And can I just say how happy I am that my husband does not have a passport?!?!?

You only have your husband's and by extension her word that she is single. She either is married or is doing other things that she does not want her employer to know. One thing for certain about cheaters is that they lie about many things. Don't assume things your husband has told you are true.

Where are you with exposure? Now seems like a perfect time to tell the rest of your family and church leadership.

AM

Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 01:10 PM
I have talked with my kids about what is going to be happening. The 3 oldest know about the situation because I told them right after I found out.

Had a meeting with one of the women in church leadership and we will be meeting with the board president as soon as we can figure out a time. She has been a great support for me.

I also made direct contact with the one person I know my husband told. He is also very supportive of me and was very direct with my husband (my husband did not really like what he had to say...) but he also said he would be an accountability person for my husband if he meant what he said about wanting to make the marriage work.
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 01:11 PM
As I was in bed last night thinking, I was wondering if this week would help with the withdrawl things or if all those feelings will start when I tell him he can no longer have contact with her.
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 01:13 PM
Honestly, I hope he did mean it and will not choose to walk away...I am not the ultimatum issuing kind of person so this is going to be very different for both of us...
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 01:15 PM
I am grateful that he has had no electronics this week. He has been totally out of communication. I have been checking just to make sure and they are definitely out in the wilderness far enough to not have cell phone coverage.

My only fear is that he will be so anxious to contact her after a week of no communication that he will connect with her before we can have our talk...
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 01:18 PM
Oh, and the person that my husband told used to be in the military and said he still has a few contacts so he was going to try to do some sleuthing for me about the other woman...
Posted By: NB28 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 01:20 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
.

My only fear is that he will be so anxious to contact her after a week of no communication that he will connect with her before we can have our talk...

I can understand why you would feel this way, what can you do to stop them communicating?? Can you get in contact with the people he is with and expose to them so it would be harder for him to contact her until he gets home?

Where are you with exposing her??? This step is VITAL
Posted By: NB28 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 01:21 PM
I still don't understand, you have full access to your WH facebook account right?

Well why can't you access her friends and family list using HIS facebook account?
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 01:42 PM
Originally Posted by NB28
I still don't understand, you have full access to your WH facebook account right?

Well why can't you access her friends and family list using HIS facebook account?

I've asked this same question and haven't yet received a response. dfh88, can you access his FB account?
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 01:50 PM
I can access his account, but when I try to go to hers it tells me there is an error or the page is not available. Somehow she has it set up so it is really hard to see or get to. I think because she suspects I am on his account...
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 01:56 PM
Usually they communicate on messenger and then I think she allows him into her site. From some of the conversations she has had with my husband that I have followed, it sounds like virtually all of her friends on facebook are men and poets. I have never heard a woman's name come up. And all I have for the men is first names...the other interesting thing about that is that she was telling my husband that all of these men are or have fallen in love with her (and she makes it sound like she doesn't like it) but seems to enjoy the poetry they write about her...it makes me wonder if she is having the same kind of interactions with all of them that she is having with my husband.
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 01:59 PM
Right before he left on his trip on Sunday he was on facebook messenger with her so I logged in to his page and then tried to go to hers. Even then I got the error screen saying the page was unavailable and they were actually chatting right then. I know she also checks the "location" or origination of the device that he contacts her with because she asked about it in one of their chats saying she didn't recognize the device. I don't know quite how to work around that...she is obviously pretty savvy and I don't really want my husband to know how much I am tracking right now...I know if I ever tell him he will be really angry. Will I ever need to share this particular aspect with him?
Posted By: NB28 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 02:00 PM
Just to clarify are you trying to access her page from HIS account? Because it sounds like you can see his account from your account but can't see hers from your account. What we are saying is log onto his Facebook account and as him look at her friends list
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 02:03 PM
Oh, my husband also mentioned that there were other men from our town that have sent her friend requests while her information was showing up on his page (she has since made sure that nothing she likes or writes to him shows up for anyone else to see) and she has denied them all. For example if I am looking at one of his posts on my page, the post may say 3 likes but when I click to see who liked it it will only show my name and one other. I know she is the invisible 3rd person. I don't know how she does that...
Posted By: NB28 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 02:03 PM
Another way around this is put her on cheaterville like it's already been suggested to you to do so and then expose her with the link to cheatersville on the poetry page on Facebook where she claims men are falling in love with her and where the affair began. This will warn others about her and get the message through for her to that you are fighting for your marriage.
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 02:04 PM
When I log into HIS account and try to go to hers, there are no friends visible.
Posted By: NB28 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 02:04 PM
Well she has blocked you wich is understandable but you should be able to see her details if you log on as your husband.
Posted By: NB28 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 02:06 PM
She may well be hiding her friends list from your husband as it's likely he's not the only one she is messing with so makes sense she would want to keep all her men oblivious to the exsistance of each other so best plan I can see is blow her out the water by posing her on cheatersville then posting s link of that to the poetry page
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 02:10 PM
I haven't been able to so far...maybe she has her page down this week since she knows he is gone, or at least has it set so his account can't access it. She does worry that I am on there watching...
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 02:11 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
I haven't been able to so far...maybe she has her page down this week since she knows he is gone, or at least has it set so his account can't access it. She does worry that I am on there watching...

You don't know what she worries about in her head.
But what you can do is expose her on Cheaterville and hold her accountible
Posted By: unwritten Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 02:59 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
She is an attorney in her country and takes care to cover her tracks. The other piece is that she is incredibly wealthy (if she was telling my husband the truth) and I'm guessing that is helping to keep her more "invisible" - homes in gated communities all over the world

WOW an extremely beautiful young wealthy attorney with homes in gated communities all over the world...is she a secret agent too??? This woman is a serial cheater who is cat fishing numerous men online and filling them full of CRAP. You know this right???

I am not saying you should not be holding your WH accountable and following the exact same steps to get him out of this affair as you would if it were with Jane next door, but this woman is clearly a predator of sorts.

This is the EXACT place a cheaterville exposure would be helpful, to warn others online about this woman.
Posted By: unwritten Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 03:02 PM
You keep saying how she covers her tracks and worries about you 'watching her' which makes perfect sense, because she is living a big fat lie and is protective of being outed.

Exposure would work like a charm with this woman. I would focus on Cheaterville and exposing to her poetry clan, this will cause a great deal of havoc for her and I'm guessing she might just *poof* disappear.
Posted By: unwritten Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 03:08 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
I am grateful that he has had no electronics this week. He has been totally out of communication. I have been checking just to make sure and they are definitely out in the wilderness far enough to not have cell phone coverage.

My only fear is that he will be so anxious to contact her after a week of no communication that he will connect with her before we can have our talk...

Not if he comes back from the wilderness to find 1) OW disappeared after being outed as a cat fishing predator or 2) OW raging like a rabid raccoon after being outed as a cat fishing predator, 3) ALL his family, friends, and colleagues aware of his secret and shameful affair, and 4) a wife who lovingly but firmly tells him that he is going to send a no contact letter to her and then have NO FURTHER CONTACT forever, or it will end in a dark separation and divorce.

But, if he comes back to the standard quo of a wife who gives him the 'ok' to cat around with a catfish, then yes, he will probably contact her immediately.
Posted By: unwritten Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 03:10 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
Oh, and the person that my husband told used to be in the military and said he still has a few contacts so he was going to try to do some sleuthing for me about the other woman...

This is great! I think it was also recommended you hire a PI to find out more info on her. Are you able to do this?

I was looking for someone once, and had a friends who's dad was a PI. He had the person's address, work, and all communication device information to me within an hour!
Posted By: unwritten Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 03:16 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
I don't really want my husband to know how much I am tracking right now...I know if I ever tell him he will be really angry. Will I ever need to share this particular aspect with him?

You don't care if he is angry. First of all, that is like a drunk driver being angry that you took away his keys. Or a baby being angry because you won't let him eat the whole bag of candy. He is simply having a tantrum for not getting his way (not in his right mind), when all you are trying to do is protect him!

Also, your marriage can survive him being angry, but it may not survive an affair.

Where there are affairs involved, O&H behavior does not apply. You are snooping to protect your marriage and family. No you do not need to tell him. And even after the dust settles and she is gone, you will want to continue to use spyware to snoop on him to make sure he has not reinitiated contact with her, which you also will not tell him about.
Posted By: living_well Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 04:29 PM
Originally Posted by unwritten
WOW an extremely beautiful young wealthy attorney with homes in gated communities all over the world...is she a secret agent too??? This woman is a serial cheater who is cat fishing numerous men online


Report her to the relevant Bar association. People get disbarred for this kind of stuff.
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 05:16 PM
A little sleuthing on my own and a call to the law society of her country shows no record of her being registered as an attorney...I guess I shouldn't be too surprised...going to see what else I can dig up on my own to present to hubby during our talk when he gets out of the woods!
Posted By: living_well Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 05:51 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
A little sleuthing on my own and a call to the law society of her country shows no record of her being registered as an attorney...I guess I shouldn't be too surprised...going to see what else I can dig up on my own to present to hubby during our talk when he gets out of the woods!


Well done!
Posted By: unwritten Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 06:55 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
A little sleuthing on my own and a call to the law society of her country shows no record of her being registered as an attorney...I guess I shouldn't be too surprised...going to see what else I can dig up on my own to present to hubby during our talk when he gets out of the woods!

But what about a FULL exposure? Do not think you are just going to talk him out of this when you reveal how evil the OW is. You need to get exposure done BEFORE he comes out of the woods. And when he does, you need realize he is not your friend right now who you are going to collude with in ending this affair. He is a fallen down drunk addicted to [who even knows who or what] and you need to be in charge.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 07:44 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
A little sleuthing on my own and a call to the law society of her country shows no record of her being registered as an attorney...I guess I shouldn't be too surprised...going to see what else I can dig up on my own to present to hubby during our talk when he gets out of the woods!
Will you hire a Private Investigators
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 08:35 PM
I don't really have the money to hire a private investigator. I guess at this point my message to my husband is that he is going to have to choose me or her and I will go forward from there...
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 08:35 PM
I don't really have the money to hire a private investigator. I guess at this point my message to my husband is that he is going to have to choose me or her and I will go forward from there...
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: so many questions - 09/25/14 10:44 PM
Have you done a FULL exposure yet? Your church elders all need to know and HELP you. Your friends, his friends, family, the congregation. They all need to know. Your H should return home and face the fact that everyone knows he is doing a terribly disgraceful thing. He needs to see his infidelity how the rest of his world sees it. It's not a lot of fun to carry on an affair while everyone looks on with disgust.

While you do your FULL exposure, make sure you commit no love busters. Get the ADs if you are having trouble with your emotions, with eating or sleeping.

Start reading up on Plan B. Because if your H doesn't agree to end his affair and start a recovery program with you, a dark separation from you is in his near future. You have already put up with this for too long.

When does your H return?

Posted By: BrainHurts Re: so many questions - 09/26/14 02:04 AM
Originally Posted by LongWayFromHome
Have you done a FULL exposure yet? Your church elders all need to know and HELP you. Your friends, his friends, family, the congregation. They all need to know. Your H should return home and face the fact that everyone knows he is doing a terribly disgraceful thing. He needs to see his infidelity how the rest of his world sees it. It's not a lot of fun to carry on an affair while everyone looks on with disgust.

While you do your FULL exposure, make sure you commit no love busters. Get the ADs if you are having trouble with your emotions, with eating or sleeping.

Start reading up on Plan B. Because if your H doesn't agree to end his affair and start a recovery program with you, a dark separation from you is in his near future. You have already put up with this for too long.

When does your H return?
^^^^^

When will you be exposing?

Exposure 101
Posted By: dfh88 Re: so many questions - 09/26/14 01:09 PM
For a number of reasons, church leadership has asked me to wait to do a full exposure until they can talk with my husband. They definitely don't condone this and I think even this exposure is going to rock his world. I am going to submit to their leadership and trust that they will help us work this through to resolution.
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: so many questions - 09/26/14 01:25 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
For a number of reasons, church leadership has asked me to wait to do a full exposure until they can talk with my husband. They definitely don't condone this and I think even this exposure is going to rock his world. I am going to submit to their leadership and trust that they will help us work this through to resolution.

You do realize that most pastors have no idea AT ALL how to deal with infidelity and most are also poor marriage counselors. How many marriages have they saved, I wonder?

Trust is not a plan.
Posted By: armymama Re: so many questions - 09/26/14 01:47 PM
What reasons? To keep it a secret?

AM
Posted By: unwritten Re: so many questions - 09/26/14 01:51 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
For a number of reasons, church leadership has asked me to wait to do a full exposure until they can talk with my husband. They definitely don't condone this and I think even this exposure is going to rock his world. I am going to submit to their leadership and trust that they will help us work this through to resolution.

If I may be so bold as to say that your WH is the PASTOR which would make him 'church leadership' and he is the one in an affair. Yet church leadership is going to advise you on how to handle an affair???

Dr Harley has spent over 30 yrs saving marriages after infidelity, he is an EXPERT and his advice has worked for many of the posters on this site. (And for those it hasn't, this is because they have not actually done the work needed and followed his advice, not because the advice itself is flawed). Your church leadership are not experts on marriage or affairs, Dr Harley is.

And keep in mind that their motive is protecting the church's image, as much or more than protecting and saving your marriage.
Posted By: unwritten Re: so many questions - 09/26/14 02:01 PM
For a number of reasons...what are those reasons?

Do they condone deception and secrets? If not, than what reason do you have to wait until they talk to your WH? If their reason is because they think they will be able to talk him out of the affair, making exposure not necessary, WRONG. This means that they are looking for a way to get you to NOT do a full exposure, and keep this secret about your husband and their pastor. This is not in his best interest or in yours. *But it is in theirs.*

Dr Harley advises exposure even if the affair is over. Why? Because it provides accountability and support. If your WH decides to go NC with the OW due to the pressure you and a select few church elders put on, but some time passes and life goes on and he feels safe again, he may resume contact. Because there is NOBODY WATCHING HIM. He has no accountability. Much like an alcoholic who tries to stop drinking on his own. If he falls off the wagon and stops at a bar on the way home, and people see him but have no idea he is struggling with alcoholism, then nobody thinks twice about it. But if the world knows he is an alcoholic struggling to sober up, and they see him drinking in a bar, the whole town will see him and know he has fallen off the wagon. He will feel the eyes upon him. He will know the information will get back to his wife....In this way you also have accountability when you expose an affair. The world is watching him at that point. It is a deterrent and accountability to him, and a support system for you.

But if it is your little secret, there is none of that.
Posted By: unwritten Re: so many questions - 09/26/14 02:03 PM
What about your attempts to expose the OW? What about posting her on cheaterville?

This is not an OW who is going to go away unless you make it hard for her not to.
Posted By: unwritten Re: so many questions - 09/26/14 02:11 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
I guess at this point my message to my husband is that he is going to have to choose me or her and I will go forward from there...

You seem to think that this is all about a choice. What you are failing to understand here is the addictive nature of affairs. Your WH is addicted to the OW, which means, you are dealing with the fogged out mind of an addict. You are not dealing with rational logical thought. It is like telling an alcoholic to just stop drinking, or you are going to leave. The pull to continue the behavior makes it much more difficult to make that obvious choice. We have seen wayward spouses who have left their children, their families, lost their jobs, and thrown their entire lives away for an A because of this fogged out addictive thought process. Do NOT underestimate this and rely on your own ability to persuade him, without a PLAN. If your request is not accompanied with EXPOSURE, and followed by a NC letter, following EP's, and surveillance and accountability, it is a plan to fail.
Posted By: unwritten Re: so many questions - 09/26/14 02:13 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
For a number of reasons, church leadership has asked me to wait to do a full exposure until they can talk with my husband. They definitely don't condone this and I think even this exposure is going to rock his world. I am going to submit to their leadership and trust that they will help us work this through to resolution.

Also I want to invite your church elders to come to this forum for advice. I am assuming none of them are experts on dealing with affairs, and Dr Harley is. I invite them to read Dr Harley's advice for affairs (Surviving an Affair would be a good start), email him with questions, or come to this forum to educate themselves on the way to properly deal with affairs. Keeping an affair a secret, is not only not helpful but not what is advised in the Bible.
Posted By: Alada Re: so many questions - 09/26/14 05:08 PM
When we talked to our priest, all he said was that I had to forgive and forget. He said "Yes trust was broken, but from now on, you(pointing me, the betrayed wife) have to give him even more trust. Next day, H called OW to wish him a HB.
Sometimes pastors have the best intentions, but they are not trained to deal with infidelity.
Posted By: markos Re: so many questions - 09/26/14 05:12 PM
Originally Posted by dfh88
I am going to submit to their leadership and trust that they will help us work this through to resolution.

Wow, what a risky idea.

I can't stand it when churches push the idea that you leadership means ignoring your own opinions and just going with somebody else's opinions who happens to be the "leader." Their ideas aren't magically better, and many people have been very disappointing by extending blind trust to someone simply because they happen to be church leadership.
Posted By: notimpressed Re: so many questions - 09/26/14 05:36 PM
Originally Posted by unwritten
What about your attempts to expose the OW? What about posting her on cheaterville?

This is not an OW who is going to go away unless you make it hard for her not to.

Should he then also put his WW on Cheaterville?
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: so many questions - 09/26/14 05:38 PM
Originally Posted by notimpressed
Originally Posted by unwritten
What about your attempts to expose the OW? What about posting her on cheaterville?

This is not an OW who is going to go away unless you make it hard for her not to.

Should he then also put his WW on Cheaterville?

This original poster is a betrayed wife.
She should expose the OW on Cheaterville.
Posted By: Alada Re: so many questions - 09/30/14 03:31 PM
How is everything?
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