Advice needed (Both made mistakes) - 10/31/14 04:17 AM
Hello all, looking for a little advice to help us through a rocky patch in our marriage. I apologize in advance, there's a lot to tell, so this is going to be a VERY long post.
A little history of our relationship first..long story made very short.. husband and I met online when we were very young (14/15) and that friendship eventually led to love, and meeting in person (he's from England, I'm American), getting pregnant at 18, having our son, getting married, and being happily married another 7 years.
Now, I almost feel bad posting here, because reading through other peoples' marital issues makes ours seem fairly insignificant, nevertheless, we've both made mistakes and it's taken a toll and we need to find a way past it. We still love each other very much and are committed to staying married (divorce was not an option for either of us).
Firstly, just a couple years into our marriage, we went through a really rough time. We weren't very close. In hindsight, it was really my fault. By nature, I had a hard time showing affection, so although I loved my husband, I didn't show him enough, which left him feeling unloved and lonely. I didn't find out until this past weekend, but he found comfort talking about our problems to a mutual friend/co-worker, female, and that turned into a sexual situation. It lasted only a couple of weeks before apparently they realized it was wrong and ended it, but still, it happened. I truly believed he was not the kind of person who would do that, as he really is a wonderful person. I've been disappointed by all the men in my life I've trusted, after finding out every man I thought could never do such a thing (father, grandfathers, etc etc) all in fact had been unfaithful. My husband was the last man I trusted. He didn't tell me about the affair for that reason, knowing how much it would crush me. I knew something was going on between the two of them at that time, and I confronted the OW about it, and she lied and made me believe there was nothing going on and even offered relationship advice. Anyways, I am quick to forgive and move on, so our relationship healed and we moved on, putting all that behind us (bear in mind, I still had no idea about the affair). We've been very happily married for the last 5 or so years.
Now skip ahead to this past Saturday, when I get a random call from this "friend", whom I haven't spoken to in years, saying she had something important to tell me and asked if she could come to the house. I agreed and she stopped by with her current boyfriend. She told me that back then, when she said nothing was going on, something really was. When I asked how far it'd gone, she admitted it was sexual, multiple times. Hearing that, my world crashed around me. I wanted to crawl into a corner and die. He is my world..how could he have done that to me? She said, even after all this time, she wanted to clear her conscience..I have to wonder looking back, knowing who she is and her personality, if that's really why she told me. Anyways, I called him at work and asked him to come home right away. Again, to make a long story shorter, we talked about it, I've sobbed, he's genuinely remorseful, hates himself for what he did, told me he never actually had feelings for her or was attracted to her..it was just mindless sex, he knows what he did was beyond wrong, answered every little question I had, promised it would never happen again and that he still loves me very much and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives. Now, it took me a few days, but I (perhaps from being a Christian) am quick to forgive and forget. It hurts, of course, if I stop and think about it, and terrible mental images of him being intimate with her try to flash through my mind from time-to-time, but having forgiven him, I find I can flick those thoughts and images away if I try hard enough, and I truly have forgiven him and have moved past it.
Now the real issue. I am guilty, too. In comparison, what he did could be considered much worse, but what I did is what we're having trouble moving past. His affair was physical, "mine" was "emotional", I guess. I have a YouTube channel, and a couple of years ago, I began commenting on videos from another guy in the same YouTube community. He was a very friendly guy and over time, we became somewhat friends. It never went further than comments on videos, but looking back, I realize my comments were inappropriately flirty (calling him handsome, saying how I wish I could be there, etc). I developed minor feelings for this guy, not love, and really just wanted to see if he'd like me. The thing is, I carried on these comments until earlier this year (before I realized how stupid and inappropriate they were and stopped, and willfully ended my feelings for him), and during the whole time, my husband and I had a REALLY good relationship (I've worked hard on my ability to show affection, especially lately, to a point where all was great), and I knew he was still the one for me and I loved him dearly. When we were discussing his affair the other day, we were being honest with each other, and I told him about the feelings for this other guy. Even though it is over, and I've severed all contact with this OM, my hubby is having a really hard time letting it go. Understandably. I realized that what I did to him is every bit as bad as what he did to me, because, although it doesn't completely justify it, our marriage was having major issues back when he had his affair, but while I was carrying out my internet "crush", we were perfectly happy. He understandably thinks that I must have been missing something from our relationship that I had to go online and find with someone else, but the truth is, and I've thought about it long and hard, there was nothing missing. My husband was giving me everything I wanted and more. I was initially drawn to this OM because he played piano beautifully, and I've always respected a man who can play piano, and he was a fellow Christian (how Christian-like of us to flirt back and forth, I sadly realized..), unlike hubby. So perhaps, deep-down, those were the things I was "missing", but I don't think so, because it never bothered me that DH didn't play piano (he plays guitar beautifully), and I love him unconditionally even as a non-Christian.
I am BEYOND remorseful about what I did and how badly it has and is hurting my DH. I hate myself for what I did and wish I could take it all back. In fact, when our arguing (well, his yelling, my crying..I am not a fighter) came to a head a couple of nights ago, and I realized how awful what I'd done was, during the time we were a happy couple and having thoughts that this was it..I'd ruined everything..and I might lose him, my body physically couldn't handle it. I went blind (temporarily), felt like I was going to faint, arms went numb, stomach was contracting trying to get my to be sick (but I hadn't eaten in 3 days due to the stress and had nothing in my stomach to bring up), went cold (temp dropped suddenly to 95), and spaced out, mostly aware of what was going on around me but not being able to focus or respond. I felt like I was dying. That really scared hubby and he ended up rushing me to the Emergency Room. I was diagnosed with a panic attack (first time in my life I've had one). Since then, we go through periods of being our normal, happy selves (cuddling, being intimate, acting like we did before all this came out), but then DH gets quiet and distant and obviously upset when what I did pops back in his head. He says he has a hard time letting things go, unlike me, and, although he's forgiven me, he just needs time to be ok. We're still committed to our marriage and wouldn't even think of ending it (actually, we've been trying to have another child for the last 7 years, but have been REALLY trying this last month since he's come home from military training and, in our periods of being normal/happy, decided we still want to try), but his periods of being upset are putting a big wedge in our relationship. Also, since my panic attack, my body hasn't recovered and every time he gets upset again, especially if he brings up how good we were while this (flirting) was going on, and I feel like this may be the time I lose him, my body starts to shut down again and I get short of breath, dizzy, spacey, and my heart starts racing/fluttering/skipping beats. I've lost over 6 lbs in a matter of days over this. I don't think I can take much more, physically and emotionally. I physically feel like, if the "arguments" get worse than our talking and crying again, my heart may give out, and I'm not sure I'd have the will to pull through.
How can I help him truly forgive and forget so we can put this behind us and get back to the wonderful us we were, even just a week ago?
A little history of our relationship first..long story made very short.. husband and I met online when we were very young (14/15) and that friendship eventually led to love, and meeting in person (he's from England, I'm American), getting pregnant at 18, having our son, getting married, and being happily married another 7 years.
Now, I almost feel bad posting here, because reading through other peoples' marital issues makes ours seem fairly insignificant, nevertheless, we've both made mistakes and it's taken a toll and we need to find a way past it. We still love each other very much and are committed to staying married (divorce was not an option for either of us).
Firstly, just a couple years into our marriage, we went through a really rough time. We weren't very close. In hindsight, it was really my fault. By nature, I had a hard time showing affection, so although I loved my husband, I didn't show him enough, which left him feeling unloved and lonely. I didn't find out until this past weekend, but he found comfort talking about our problems to a mutual friend/co-worker, female, and that turned into a sexual situation. It lasted only a couple of weeks before apparently they realized it was wrong and ended it, but still, it happened. I truly believed he was not the kind of person who would do that, as he really is a wonderful person. I've been disappointed by all the men in my life I've trusted, after finding out every man I thought could never do such a thing (father, grandfathers, etc etc) all in fact had been unfaithful. My husband was the last man I trusted. He didn't tell me about the affair for that reason, knowing how much it would crush me. I knew something was going on between the two of them at that time, and I confronted the OW about it, and she lied and made me believe there was nothing going on and even offered relationship advice. Anyways, I am quick to forgive and move on, so our relationship healed and we moved on, putting all that behind us (bear in mind, I still had no idea about the affair). We've been very happily married for the last 5 or so years.
Now skip ahead to this past Saturday, when I get a random call from this "friend", whom I haven't spoken to in years, saying she had something important to tell me and asked if she could come to the house. I agreed and she stopped by with her current boyfriend. She told me that back then, when she said nothing was going on, something really was. When I asked how far it'd gone, she admitted it was sexual, multiple times. Hearing that, my world crashed around me. I wanted to crawl into a corner and die. He is my world..how could he have done that to me? She said, even after all this time, she wanted to clear her conscience..I have to wonder looking back, knowing who she is and her personality, if that's really why she told me. Anyways, I called him at work and asked him to come home right away. Again, to make a long story shorter, we talked about it, I've sobbed, he's genuinely remorseful, hates himself for what he did, told me he never actually had feelings for her or was attracted to her..it was just mindless sex, he knows what he did was beyond wrong, answered every little question I had, promised it would never happen again and that he still loves me very much and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives. Now, it took me a few days, but I (perhaps from being a Christian) am quick to forgive and forget. It hurts, of course, if I stop and think about it, and terrible mental images of him being intimate with her try to flash through my mind from time-to-time, but having forgiven him, I find I can flick those thoughts and images away if I try hard enough, and I truly have forgiven him and have moved past it.
Now the real issue. I am guilty, too. In comparison, what he did could be considered much worse, but what I did is what we're having trouble moving past. His affair was physical, "mine" was "emotional", I guess. I have a YouTube channel, and a couple of years ago, I began commenting on videos from another guy in the same YouTube community. He was a very friendly guy and over time, we became somewhat friends. It never went further than comments on videos, but looking back, I realize my comments were inappropriately flirty (calling him handsome, saying how I wish I could be there, etc). I developed minor feelings for this guy, not love, and really just wanted to see if he'd like me. The thing is, I carried on these comments until earlier this year (before I realized how stupid and inappropriate they were and stopped, and willfully ended my feelings for him), and during the whole time, my husband and I had a REALLY good relationship (I've worked hard on my ability to show affection, especially lately, to a point where all was great), and I knew he was still the one for me and I loved him dearly. When we were discussing his affair the other day, we were being honest with each other, and I told him about the feelings for this other guy. Even though it is over, and I've severed all contact with this OM, my hubby is having a really hard time letting it go. Understandably. I realized that what I did to him is every bit as bad as what he did to me, because, although it doesn't completely justify it, our marriage was having major issues back when he had his affair, but while I was carrying out my internet "crush", we were perfectly happy. He understandably thinks that I must have been missing something from our relationship that I had to go online and find with someone else, but the truth is, and I've thought about it long and hard, there was nothing missing. My husband was giving me everything I wanted and more. I was initially drawn to this OM because he played piano beautifully, and I've always respected a man who can play piano, and he was a fellow Christian (how Christian-like of us to flirt back and forth, I sadly realized..), unlike hubby. So perhaps, deep-down, those were the things I was "missing", but I don't think so, because it never bothered me that DH didn't play piano (he plays guitar beautifully), and I love him unconditionally even as a non-Christian.
I am BEYOND remorseful about what I did and how badly it has and is hurting my DH. I hate myself for what I did and wish I could take it all back. In fact, when our arguing (well, his yelling, my crying..I am not a fighter) came to a head a couple of nights ago, and I realized how awful what I'd done was, during the time we were a happy couple and having thoughts that this was it..I'd ruined everything..and I might lose him, my body physically couldn't handle it. I went blind (temporarily), felt like I was going to faint, arms went numb, stomach was contracting trying to get my to be sick (but I hadn't eaten in 3 days due to the stress and had nothing in my stomach to bring up), went cold (temp dropped suddenly to 95), and spaced out, mostly aware of what was going on around me but not being able to focus or respond. I felt like I was dying. That really scared hubby and he ended up rushing me to the Emergency Room. I was diagnosed with a panic attack (first time in my life I've had one). Since then, we go through periods of being our normal, happy selves (cuddling, being intimate, acting like we did before all this came out), but then DH gets quiet and distant and obviously upset when what I did pops back in his head. He says he has a hard time letting things go, unlike me, and, although he's forgiven me, he just needs time to be ok. We're still committed to our marriage and wouldn't even think of ending it (actually, we've been trying to have another child for the last 7 years, but have been REALLY trying this last month since he's come home from military training and, in our periods of being normal/happy, decided we still want to try), but his periods of being upset are putting a big wedge in our relationship. Also, since my panic attack, my body hasn't recovered and every time he gets upset again, especially if he brings up how good we were while this (flirting) was going on, and I feel like this may be the time I lose him, my body starts to shut down again and I get short of breath, dizzy, spacey, and my heart starts racing/fluttering/skipping beats. I've lost over 6 lbs in a matter of days over this. I don't think I can take much more, physically and emotionally. I physically feel like, if the "arguments" get worse than our talking and crying again, my heart may give out, and I'm not sure I'd have the will to pull through.
How can I help him truly forgive and forget so we can put this behind us and get back to the wonderful us we were, even just a week ago?