Marriage Builders
Posted By: Forsaken1 jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 06:23 AM
feeling uncertain...I was a caller on the radio show and as a result of that Dr. Harley suggested I initiate Plan B for myself. However, before I could do so my husband and I got into an argument that sadly included an outburst on my part. Needless to say that final argument caused my husband to decide to leave me instead. He stated that he wanted a divorce although he still has not officially filed. That was 2 mo ago now. He has moved most of his belongings out by this point and in doing so he "pops" in randomly unannounced to gather his belongings a little at a time. I unfortunately cannot afford to continue residing in our marital home on my income alone so in the interim he has agreed to continue paying his half temporarily. Because of this he refuses to give me his key and I am afraid to change the locks for fear of him deciding not to continue helping financially. (which i know is only allowing him to have the control over me and my emotions) he claims he has been living with his brother for these 2 mo although I honestly have no way to confirm this since I am not even aware of where his brother resides. we have only spoken a few times within these last 2 mo...mostly about finances. the moment i ask what his intentions are for us or ask him to have a conversation with me, he either refuses or says "maybe someday" he has not provided me with any sort of PBL since he does not follow MB at all. (I unfortunately stumbled across MB too late) so I feel like I am in limbo now not knowing what his intentions really are. I have only ever wanted to create a healthy lasting life with him and at this point I still would like to restore what we once I had and then sustain it. I just dont know what steps I should take to convince him that if we both actually work together that it can happen. Since he has been gone, I have attended church and that has helped with my peace of mind and I have also recently started counseling so I can hopefully learn better ways to communicate in frustrating situations aka when my husband neglects me and blatantly disregards my feelings for 3 years. Any thoughts or suggestions would be helpful... thanks for taking the time to read my post...
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 12:09 PM
Welcome to MB. When were you on the radio?
Posted By: Forsaken1 Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 12:29 PM
end of Aug 2014...only a week before my husband decided to leave. Really wish I found MB sooner... frown
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 12:39 PM
How long have you been married? Do you have any children? Do you have any children together?

Is he still having an affair?

Who is OW?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 12:54 PM
Hi jniang, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would go into Plan B asap. Change your locks, line up an intermediary and send him a letter. He will stop helping you financially, you can count on this so you should file for legal divorce or separation to protect yourself. Don't sit around in limbo waiting to be his "option." It is extremely unattractive and makes it less likely your marriage will recover.

Take back control of your life.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 12:55 PM
Is this your show?

Radio Clip of jniang's show
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Posted By: Forsaken1 Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 01:21 PM
Brainhurts: we met in Sep 2009, married in Sep 2011. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and he does not have any of his own. and yes that would be me on the radio clip. I have no solid evidence that he has ever had an affair, just my intuition and at this point i don't know how I would even go about verifying if that were true or not.

MelodyLane: I feel like filing for divorce myself is the exact opposite from what I want for us...that to me signifies that I am giving up. while I do want to regain control of my life and my emotions I would prefer doing so with my husband. I am starting to take the steps that I need to take on a personal level to regain control of myself by going to church and starting individual counseling. I feel like he planned B me instead of the other way around which makes me feel like me writing him a letter is a mute point in the Plan B process. Had he been aware of MB and Plan B, I should have expected to get a letter from him since he decided to leave first...so confused.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 01:27 PM
You've seen this? How to Plan B Correctly
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 01:31 PM
Originally Posted by jniang
MelodyLane: I feel like filing for divorce myself is the exact opposite from what I want for us...that to me signifies that I am giving up. while I do want to regain control of my life and my emotions I would prefer doing so with my husband. I am starting to take the steps that I need to take on a personal level to regain control of myself by going to church and starting individual counseling. I feel like he planned B me instead of the other way around which makes me feel like me writing him a letter is a mute point in the Plan B process. Had he been aware of MB and Plan B, I should have expected to get a letter from him since he decided to leave first...so confused.

jniang, I understand that you don't want a divorce and that is not the point. The point is to make sure that you are protected financially.

It is not a moot point to send him a plan B letter. He obviously cannot "plan B" you since he is the wayward. You should send him a Plan B letter and go into a DARK separation. You can't have him coming in and out of your home at will. That will tear you down emotionally. AND it makes you look much less attractive if you are hanging around waiting for the occasional crumb from him.

The way that you regain control of your life is to excise your husband from your life entirely until he is ready to commit to the marriage. Hanging around like you have been makes it LESS LIKELY you will ever reconcile because it makes you look so unattractive.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 01:33 PM
Also, is there a reason you haven't done some snooping and found out who the affair is with? That is something that most people uncover in 2 days.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 01:37 PM
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Okay Dr. Harley said back in August you need to get into Plan B. As Melodylane has pointed out that you need to get into Plan B now. He will have to still provide financially.

Do you have someone who can be your IM? In the Plan B thread there are Plan B templates to help you with the Plan B Letter.

Can you get the locks changed today?

We can help you, but you need to follow the Plan.

Have you been to see a lawyer?
Posted By: Forsaken1 Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 02:17 PM
Brainhurts: Thanks for the link, I skimmed through it and it seems to have alot of helpful info. I take the time to thouroughly read through it all soon. The example letters I'm sure will prove useful to me as MelodyLane has suggested I still do.

MelodyLane: I have already consulted with a divorce lawyer as Dr. Harley suggested should be my first step. I was basically told that since my husband and I dont have any assets together, we dont own our own home, etc there isnt anything financially binding us to one another and that I wouldnt be entitled to any sort of financial support especially since our marriage was so short lived so I'm not sure I agree how filing for divorce myself would create an "upperhand" for me. I can agree however, with the points you've made that writing and sendig him a PBL and then go "dark" can possibly be beneficial. In all that I've heard from listening to the radio shows...I don't recall Dr. harley ever suggesting to file and do Plan B simuntaneously. As for snooping, he makes it very difficult to do so. He is and has always been a very private person. I've snooped through his laptop/ipad as that was accesible to me...found nothing. I was never able to snoop through his phone as it was always attached to him with a passcode. Aside from stalking my husband and following his every move (which i have not done) I don't know what else i could have done at the time to verify if an affair was actually happening or not. Now that he has moved out, I more so now dont know how to verify what is really going on or what I am dealing with.
Posted By: Forsaken1 Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 03:00 PM
Brainhurst: it was only a week after Dr Harley reccomended I get into Plan B when he decided to leave. needless to say Sep was an "emotionally disabling" month for me. If you listened to my segment on the show, then you are aware that I had a vaca trip planned for the 1st 2 wks in Oct. I contemplated not going at all but then I decided that I could use the time away given the circumstances. My life still had to go on as far as my own job and being a mom and scrambling to make arrangements for my children while I would be away since I no longer could count on my husband in that manner. Needless to say with all of that Sep got away from me. The trip away really helped clear my head, I came back home somewhat refreshed and from that decided to seek out counseling for myself and started going to church.

I'm not sure who in my life would be a good IM for us. I dont have many that are close to me that I can trust would follow the expectations that an IM should follow. I have 2 very close friends who are well aware of my marriage situation, 1 is a possibilty that I would have to discuss. The other I feel would not be a good fit on my husbands side to remain neutral.

I am not sure about the locks today, I will have to discuss with my landlord first. Good thing is is that I am the only one on the lease here.

Yes, I've consulted with a lawyer but was basically told that I shouldnt expect to get any financial assistance/alimony if we divorce since our marriage was so short and we dont have any shared assets. not very helpful or comforting. so at this poing, I feel dependent upon him as far as him agreeing to continue paying his half of the rent here. At this point he has agreed to continue doing so until this coming spring/beginning of summer.
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 03:38 PM
Originally Posted by jniang
Brainhurts: Thanks for the link, I skimmed through it and it seems to have alot of helpful info. I take the time to thouroughly read through it all soon. The example letters I'm sure will prove useful to me as MelodyLane has suggested I still do.

MelodyLane: I have already consulted with a divorce lawyer as Dr. Harley suggested should be my first step. I was basically told that since my husband and I dont have any assets together, we dont own our own home, etc there isnt anything financially binding us to one another and that I wouldnt be entitled to any sort of financial support especially since our marriage was so short lived so I'm not sure I agree how filing for divorce myself would create an "upperhand" for me. I can agree however, with the points you've made that writing and sendig him a PBL and then go "dark" can possibly be beneficial. In all that I've heard from listening to the radio shows...I don't recall Dr. harley ever suggesting to file and do Plan B simuntaneously. As for snooping, he makes it very difficult to do so. He is and has always been a very private person. I've snooped through his laptop/ipad as that was accesible to me...found nothing. I was never able to snoop through his phone as it was always attached to him with a passcode. Aside from stalking my husband and following his every move (which i have not done) I don't know what else i could have done at the time to verify if an affair was actually happening or not. Now that he has moved out, I more so now dont know how to verify what is really going on or what I am dealing with.

Going into Plan B and filing puts you in control of your situation, rather than waiting to see what your H will do. Plan B will separate you from the pain of his affair and protect your health.

Can you hire a PI to find out what is going on? Once you have hard evidence of an affair, you can do an effective exposure, letting everyone know the truth and obtaining support for yourself and for your marriage.

Just because you file doesn't mean there will never be any hope for a future marriage with this man.

Plan B will bring you a great deal of peace and separate you from the pain your H is causing you. Dr. Harley has suggested that a spouse file AND go into Plan B simultaneously, if that's what the situation calls for. If you can't get financial support, you will at least get legal support for ensuring he can't come into your home whenever he desires.
Posted By: Forsaken1 Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 04:16 PM
I would love to be able to hire a PI but I'm not sure my finances can afford one, however I do intend on researching this avenue further.
Posted By: Elaina7 Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 04:40 PM

Once you are divorced- then he would have no legal reason to support you BUT
While you are Going Through the divorce- you have to maintain the status quo & support your spouse. This is how it supports you.

The court would Order him while you are going through divorce to support you financially/ health insurance etc in the same manner he is now.

Does that make sense.....
Posted By: Forsaken1 Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 06:05 PM
I understand what you are saying however the lawyer I consulted with didnt really mention what the courts would require of him between filing and the divorce being finalized. How long of a court process is a divorce from start to finish anyhow? I can't imagine it would take very long in my case since there is nothing to split between us and there are no custody issues since my kids are not biologically his. I feel it would just be a matter of setting a court date once a petition for divorce is filed. At this point he has paid his half of the rent only in the last 2 mo that he has not been living with me but that probably wont last beyond spring of 2015 since thats what he has so far agreed to. (He has not agreed to pay any other bills we previously shared)
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 06:26 PM
Originally Posted by jniang
In all that I've heard from listening to the radio shows...I don't recall Dr. harley ever suggesting to file and do Plan B simuntaneously.

Of course he does. You would to file to get legal protection.

Quote
As for snooping, he makes it very difficult to do so. He is and has always been a very private person. I've snooped through his laptop/ipad as that was accesible to me...found nothing.

You need to step it up here and try harder. He is living with the OW. You can have him followed or arrange to get a GPS on his car when he is at work or when he stops by.

You can also get someone to follow him home from work, but you need to figure this out. It is not "stalking" to find out where your husband lives.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 06:29 PM
Originally Posted by jniang
I'm not sure who in my life would be a good IM for us. I dont have many that are close to me that I can trust would follow the expectations that an IM should follow. I have 2 very close friends who are well aware of my marriage situation, 1 is a possibilty that I would have to discuss. The other I feel would not be a good fit on my husbands side to remain neutral.

Jsut choose who you feel would do the best job. You need a person who is not gullible and who will protect you. The person does not need to BE neutral, but needs to agree to take a neutral stance and just act as a SPAM filter.

Quote
I am not sure about the locks today, I will have to discuss with my landlord first. Good thing is is that I am the only one on the lease here.

Just let him know what is going on. Your husband has left you and keeps walking in at will. You need to keep him out.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 06:30 PM
Originally Posted by jniang
I would love to be able to hire a PI but I'm not sure my finances can afford one, however I do intend on researching this avenue further.

Good girl!! Have him followed. It is very likely he is living with the ow.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 06:32 PM
Originally Posted by jniang
At this point he has paid his half of the rent only in the last 2 mo that he has not been living with me but that probably wont last beyond spring of 2015 since thats what he has so far agreed to. (He has not agreed to pay any other bills we previously shared)

jniang, are you preparing yourself for the fact that he will stop giving you money altogether?
Posted By: black_raven Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 07:01 PM
Originally Posted by jniang
my husband and I dont have any assets together, we dont own our own home, etc there isnt anything financially binding us to one another and that I wouldnt be entitled to any sort of financial support especially since our marriage was so short lived

SInce there are no children of the marriage and no assets together, you should at least file for separation if you don't want to file for divorce. Depending on the state you live in, your H could incur debt that you may be jointly responsible for. If you can't afford to live on your own without his income, you need to look at moving also...you need to think about your children. Sorry if this sounds harsh but your H has little incentive to return to the marriage with no children, assets, or support orders (he isn't even on the lease). Plan B may wake him up but Plan B is to protect you (and your kids) not him.

If you share any credit cards, I would cut him off of your accts and file ASAP. Ask your landlord to key the locks. You will have to pay for that but at least you don't have to worry about H coming and going as he pleases. The landlord shouldn't care. Inform the landlord that your H moved out months ago and that you do not authorize him to let H in if he shows up looking for a key.
Posted By: Forsaken1 Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/07/14 11:01 PM
do you have any info on GPS units that can be attached to his car?
Posted By: garak77 Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/08/14 12:08 AM
Jiniang,


I am very sorry you are here.
If you file for D, those papers can be ripped up if you later decide to reconcile.
Please continue to come here for help, some of these folks are pros at this!

If you have a spare key to his car you can put a voice activated recorder in it.
I'm sure he talks to OW while he is in the car.
PM me if you need help with that.
A GPS in his car would be great Aswell.
Do you have access to his cell phone bill which might reveal the phone numbers he has been calling? (This was huge for me, but my W changed his name in the cell phone to appear like she was talking to a female all those hours)


Posted By: BrainHurts Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/08/14 01:32 AM
Originally Posted by jniang
do you have any info on GPS units that can be attached to his car?
Here you go GPS Units
Posted By: unwritten Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/08/14 02:41 AM
Originally Posted by garak77
PM me if you need help with that.

Garak, PM has been disabled. Jniang is welcome to address the board with questions about spyware.
Posted By: garak77 Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/08/14 01:58 PM
Cool,
Sorry I didn't know.
Posted By: Forsaken1 Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/08/14 03:26 PM
Thanks Garak, I had a spare key prior to him leaving but that was one of the first things he was sure to take back. Suppose I find a suspicious phone # on old phone records...how would I prove who that phone # belongs to? How would I prove the the type of relationship? He uses his personal cell for work so majority of the #'s that I would find would be his clients...
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/08/14 03:40 PM
Originally Posted by jniang
Thanks Garak, I had a spare key prior to him leaving but that was one of the first things he was sure to take back. Suppose I find a suspicious phone # on old phone records...how would I prove who that phone # belongs to? How would I prove the the type of relationship? He uses his personal cell for work so majority of the #'s that I would find would be his clients...

A phone # alone will not prove an affair. It will help lead you to the right person. But all you need to do is follow him home to find who he lives with. It is very likely he lives with his OW. It should be very simple to uncover his affair.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/08/14 03:42 PM
A PI could get you everything you need in one day probably.
Posted By: unwritten Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/08/14 03:55 PM
Jniang is there a reason you won't just follow him?

At this point he is moved out, and as ML has said, is probably living with the OW. It should not be too difficult to ascertain this and figure out who the OW is.

As far as the phone number, there are several reverse phone lookup sites online, you may have to pay to look up the number but it is a minimal charge. If I search for my own cell phone it links to several sites that say they will provide my full name and address, the first one I went into says they will do it for $1.95. Can you do this and see who the suspicious number belongs to? At least it is a name to start with.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/08/14 04:00 PM
Here is a good cell phone lookup site: http://safecaller.com/index.php
Posted By: unwritten Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/08/14 04:09 PM
Originally Posted by jniang
I have no solid evidence that he has ever had an affair, just my intuition and at this point i don't know how I would even go about verifying if that were true or not.

You really need to be more of a bulldog here. There are MANY ways to find out about an A, it seems you have used little to none of those, before or after he moved out. You have to do better than that.

You WH has already left, likely to shack up with another woman. There are ways you could fight this, but you cannot do that unless you know whats going on. Don't you want to know the truth about what is going on?
Posted By: garak77 Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/08/14 11:27 PM
Originally Posted by jniang
Thanks Garak, I had a spare key prior to him leaving but that was one of the first things he was sure to take back. Suppose I find a suspicious phone # on old phone records...how would I prove who that phone # belongs to? How would I prove the the type of relationship? He uses his personal cell for work so majority of the #'s that I would find would be his clients...

You would need to find a phone number that he calls a lot for weeks or. Months.
Some of these conversations would probably be long in duration.
Is the car that he is driving in your name aswell?
If it is in your name, you could take the fin to the dealer and have a key made, or possibly a lock smith could do it with the vin.

Please do everything possible to prove an affair, I will say the moment I realised my W really had an affair, and it was reality it was like a death blow. I really needed to know, and now it has stopped, so I only wish I found out earlier.

The cool thing is, in the moments befor I found out, God told me clear as a bell that we go through these types of things to bring us closer to him, and God told me that He is in control. It was clear as a bell, no doubt whatsoever.
Posted By: Forsaken1 Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/09/14 07:56 PM
Well...I have since called and spoken with a PI and as I thought far too expensive for my pocket for a 1 night gamble. And following my H around myself could potentially result in a stalking charge if caught by my H according to the PI...which I cant afford either. Any other thoughts now?
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/09/14 08:02 PM
Originally Posted by Forsaken1
Well...I have since called and spoken with a PI and as I thought far too expensive for my pocket for a 1 night gamble. And following my H around myself could potentially result in a stalking charge if caught by my H according to the PI...which I cant afford either. Any other thoughts now?

You cant stalk your husband!
You are married!
Posted By: Forsaken1 Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/09/14 08:10 PM
According to the licensed PI I spoke to in the state I live in, it doesn't matter if we are legally still married or not. If my H catches me following him around, he could file a restraining order on me for stalking him. Or if I discovered my H with OW while following him around, the OW could file the same. Regardless, I cant afford to pay a PI myself so I think at this point I am going to find out what I can myself anyhow and hope I don't get caught...lol
Posted By: LearnedTooLate Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/09/14 11:14 PM
Originally Posted by Forsaken1
According to the licensed PI I spoke to in the state I live in, it doesn't matter if we are legally still married or not. If my H catches me following him around, he could file a restraining order on me for stalking him. Or if I discovered my H with OW while following him around, the OW could file the same. Regardless, I cant afford to pay a PI myself so I think at this point I am going to find out what I can myself anyhow and hope I don't get caught...lol

Thats absolutely absurd.

Don't let some BS very minor slap on the wrist prevent you from doing what you absolutely must do.

Hey, jaywalking is illegal too.

Do you seriously think that if you found out where your H is going and who he is seeing, that he would bring Public Scrutiny to himself?

Come on..... That's exactly why they keep affairs secret.

I would be proud to want to go to court and out him on public record.

Are you a danger to him?

LTL
Posted By: Forsaken1 Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/10/14 01:50 AM
I agree, it's absolutely absurd! I am legally bound to my H via marriage so I should be able to know where/what etc he is or is not doing! I wouldn't think twice if I felt the need to follow my teenagers around (not that I do) so idk why I hesitated now or in the past with my H. I unfortunately let my emotions get in the way in the past instead of outsmarting him.

I am in no way a danger to him or have ever been (nor the OW if that's what I discover to be true) so I am not going to let the PI disuade me from finding out what I can on my own.
Posted By: LearnedTooLate Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/10/14 03:05 AM
Originally Posted by Forsaken1
I agree, it's absolutely absurd! I am legally bound to my H via marriage so I should be able to know where/what etc he is or is not doing! I wouldn't think twice if I felt the need to follow my teenagers around (not that I do) so idk why I hesitated now or in the past with my H. I unfortunately let my emotions get in the way in the past instead of outsmarting him.

I am in no way a danger to him or have ever been (nor the OW if that's what I discover to be true) so I am not going to let the PI disuade me from finding out what I can on my own.

Good for you.

Now do it without hesitating.

LTL
Posted By: Forsaken1 Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/11/14 01:10 AM
reviewing my thread again I realized I missed some posts...

Unwritten: my funds are extremely limited right now, check to check, penny to penny. Where my H works and goes to the gym is 45 min away from where I live which is the only place I'd be able to follow him from as a starting point. I tried to follow him last night in fact but didn't have much luck for very long. It was too dark and I eventually lost sight of him.

I only have access to phone records prior to May 2014 of this year when we shared an account and I have reviewed those already in the past but most were random one off #'s since he uses his cell for client calls for his job. I'll review them again though to see if anything stands out this time around and use the reverse look up sites if need be.
Posted By: Forsaken1 Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/11/14 03:02 AM
Of course I want to know whats going on! I want to know his reasoning for wanting to leave whether there is OW or if he just felt his love bank was too far in the negative for him to bother. I would have liked to know his inner thoughts throughout our marriage so that I could have better understood him but beyond what he needed from me that would satisfy his OCD tendencies aka anything emotional, he was never willing to share and if I was never aware of them how was I ever expected to be able to change them for him. I have been completely distraught over this whole mess my marriage turned out to be. had I been aware of MB 3 years ago or even prior to being married, I would have implemented the concepts then while we were still in love and both willing to make each other happy. I unfortunately didn't have a crystal ball then and I don't have one now... frown
Posted By: Forsaken1 Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/11/14 03:09 AM
I used the link the MelodayLane provided for 1 phone # I've thought to be suspicious in the past and got a name, I've spent the last hr or so googling/facebooking etc different people with the same name in my surrounding area and none are familiar to me, there was nothing that stood out to me information wise on posts.comments etc. that would link any of them with my H. My H is and always has been extremely private even in our dating years well before anything went sour so I feel like I wouldn't find much on the www. Any suggestions now on what to do with this name that may not even be anything at all?
Posted By: Forsaken1 Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/11/14 03:33 AM
garak: His car is in his name solely. So another dead end for me I'm afraid. Prior to this ordeal, I have never been a concrete believer but as you can imagine once I started to really feel like my marriage was falling apart I started searching and then when my H decided to leave I found myself at church one Sunday and the Pastor preached exactly that! That God brings heartache and suffering into ones life to draw you closer to his strength. I've gone through my share of struggles where it felt like a black cloud was constantly hovering above me but I've never in my life been this heartbroken/depressed enough to ever really "seek" God out long enough for me to finally truly believe. They say God knows your entire life's path, start to finish and that there is meaning to everything, and with that said I really believe that God brought my H into my life as a last resort so to speak to get me to finally believe in him...now that I do I pray that God will help draw my H back to God as well and back to our marriage. My H was a strong believer all along...and I often wonder since he decided to leave if that was part of his reasonings. Because I didnt at the time believe and therefore didnt understand how God would expect me to act or lead my life. I have been studying the bible ever since, going to church whenever I can, praying to God and I can say that I do feel Gods peace and strength upon me.
As I read the article, "How to Deal with a Quarrelsome and Nagging Wife" I thought to myself that this article was written specifically about me and my H. It's ironic that Dr. Harley mentions 3 different stages a nagging wife (sadly me) would go through before getting to the full blown angry outbursts. And it is true that outside of my H, I can contain myself. I also read the entire chapter 21 of Proverbs where a few verses jumped off the pages.

Verse 9: It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.
*This stood out to me because my H would often seclude himself in our bedroom or in our office when he was home, not wanted to spend any time with each other.

Verse 16: It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman.
*This stood out to me as well because my H would literally work 24/7, rarely ever take a day off and when he did it he would be sure to take a day off on a day he knew I had to work, and when he wasn't at work he would be at the gym 5 days a week. He chose to be home as little as he possibly could.

Verse 23: Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.
*This stood out to me because my husband avoided conversation, avoided resolving conflict but he neglected to realize that his constant disregard for my concerns and ultimately my happiness contributed to the ever so gradual monster I have become towards him.

Suppose this is the very reason that my H decided to leave and not what everyone (including myself) wants to first assume that my H is having an affair, can there still be hope at repairing my marriage even now that I have driven him away. How can I help him see that his negligent ways towards me was a feeding ground for the monster within?
Well, I think a good step is that you learn to control "the monster within you."

The Bible also tells us that if we repent of our sins and accept Christ as our Savior then we will be baptized with the fire of the Holy Spirit.
That is God's spirit dwelling within us and the Bible explains that we become the temple of the Holy Spirit. There is no room for monsters in the temple of God's spirit.
We need to be right with God.

Forsaken1,

Have you tried writing him a letter? a heartfelt one explaining what you just did here, with the verses and perhaps your own examples of how you will in the future work to correct each of those? It can be very humbling but I had to do the same trying to reconcile my marraige (hubby in midst of an EA now ending). I will say, much as I hate it, owning up to your own part of things in writing may be painful but it can open the door to discussion with the other person about how things can be better. I am still upset about the sitch I'm dealing with but I'm learning to handle my anger and disappointment better than I ever would have imagined, much because of what I've learned here and from church.

If he's not divorced you yet, I'd say there is hope and even then, people get remarried every day. Men I think are so shocked when a woman admits she's wrong (esp in writing, how often do they have PROOF? LOL) that they tend to feel the truth in your words if written in love.

I would propose that as a start, are you still in contact?
I have admitted to my known faults to him and to myself but he was never willing to self reflect and admit to his own faults. There was a verse I read a few nights ago...which one escapes me now but it basically said that with every action there is a consequence. Dr. Harley's article speaks of it as well, "woman whose H continue to ignore their complaints" Don't misunderstand me, I realize that it was my choice to eventually react the way I did towards him but I only wish that he would acknowledge that his choices contributed to it as well. Two made it disastrous and two can also make it wonderful again. The difference now is that I have Dr. Harley's concepts to use as a tool so that I can feel heard and considered but those tools can only work when both my H and I are using them hand in hand.

I haven't given him a letter yet although I have started many numerous times including a PBL most recently based on the advice from others here in the forum that I hope to finish soon. I have tried to talk with him a couple times in these last 2 mo and sent him a few long winded texts where I expressed to him that I am taking the steps that I can on my own to avoid my own anger and disappointment. I have excepted God as my savior, I've started going to church, I've started reading the bible (most nights I cant put it down) I've even started to go to counseling. He is aware of all of that, but still hasn't been open for discussion. Part of me feels that he may be weary of my "new found faith" since it is new for me he probably thinks it is some sort of ploy to persuade him back into my life. I know and God knows that that is not the case but my H will not ever know that to be truth if he doesn't allow himself to follow his own faith by having faith in our marriage. It's been almost 3 weeks now since we've been in contact and prior to that was only a couple times...mostly about finances, mail of his etc but nothing about us as a couple. I know he hasn't filed for Divorce yet so I hang onto that as a sign of hope from him...
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: jniang's Plan B thread - 11/11/14 04:24 PM
Originally Posted by Forsaken1
I used the link the MelodayLane provided for 1 phone # I've thought to be suspicious in the past and got a name, I've spent the last hr or so googling/facebooking etc different people with the same name in my surrounding area and none are familiar to me, there was nothing that stood out to me information wise on posts.comments etc. that would link any of them with my H. My H is and always has been extremely private even in our dating years well before anything went sour so I feel like I wouldn't find much on the www. Any suggestions now on what to do with this name that may not even be anything at all?
You verified a name to this number?

It's a female? Were there alot of communication between the two?

Did you check the name on spokeo to find out who this is?
Forsaken, haven't you been advised to go to Plan B?

This is not the time to be reflecting on your nagging. This is not the time to be trying to figure out how to get through to him.

Is your Plan B letter written?
Originally Posted by Forsaken1
Suppose this is the very reason that my H decided to leave and not what everyone (including myself) wants to first assume that my H is having an affair,

Nope - it is always the affair.

In recovering a marriage, you have to prioritize problems and begin with the worst, first. If there is an affair, that is the worst problem. In my marriage there were lots of problems but Dr. Harley told me we could make no progress on them until I learned to eliminate my angry outbursts - that was the worst problem, and there was no sense harping on my wife to correct the problems on her side until I had done that. In the same way, the glaring problem in your marriage is his affair, and while it's important to express a willingness to overcome the problems you are causing, nothing can really be done until he ends contact with his affair partner for life.

Quote
can there still be hope at repairing my marriage even now that I have driven him away.

Nope, you didn't drive him away. That idea is a favorite mind control trick of affairees to blame their deeds on others. It's as if you lobbed a hand grenade into the marriage and he responded with a nuclear weapon. Got to clean up the fallout first. What small problems you had, he introduced problems that make those pale in significance.

Quote
How can I help him see that his negligent ways towards me was a feeding ground for the monster within?

People don't cause each other to have affairs or to be demanding, disrespectful, or angry. That is a choice each person makes. There are other choices people can make that are far better, like separation.

Please stick to one thread so we can help look at your total situation, not just one aspect.
Hi Forsaken,

Yes, please go into Plan B at this point. It does take two to weaken a marriage, but at this point, he is not going to be receptive to any of your behavior change because his behavior is so appalling. I went down this rabbit hole for a few months as well, completely taking on the pain of my husband's affair and blaming myself for everything. But this is not the time to do that. You can only really think clearly about your part in this and what he needs to do if you are emotionally stable and Plan B is the only way to get there.
Merged threads. Please stick to one thread.
© Marriage BuildersĀ® Forums