I need advice! So here goes my story: My wife and I have been married for 9 1/2 years, we currently have a 6 year old son and a 3 1/2 year old daughter. A little over three years ago my wife had an affair with a co-worker that I found out about shortly after it started. It continued on and off for the next year plus. If you read "Surviving an Affair" that is literally our story. Wife moved in with her parents for 3 months. She rented an apartment and before she moved in, she changed her mind and decided to come home. Unfortunately, we didn't have any resources and I figured she realized she made a mistake and came home to fix it. That was not the case. We have been ok at times and at times she has been very distant. Just recently she had been distant and I became suspicious. At this time, she revealed that she had lied about some of the details of the affair and that it had continued on longer than I suspected. Living with her is like a roller coaster ride. I never know what to expect. Just this morning she told me that she still has strong feelings for him but she hasn't had contact with him in over two years.

She has been reading the Surviving Affair book and at times seems optimistic. We have discussed moving but she isn't sure because she doesn't know how she feels about me. She still works at the same place. The other man works in a different building (he is married with two kids).

Any advice?

Sorry you are here but welcome.

Who has this been exposed to?

The reason for this is right in your own post. Here:


I don't believe her that they haven't had contact. And even if they hadn't working at the same company which likely affords easy access to each other even if in the form of email, company meetings etc will keep your WW triggered and in the fog.

Most people know. When I originally found out, I didn't want people to think bad of her, so I didn't tell anyone other than her immediate family. One year later when I found out it was still going on it pretty much became public knowledge.

You are probably right about contact. I want to believe her but....

Any of you that have dealt with this with a Christian spouse, how do they reconcile it. Wrecking two families???

Has the OMW been told?

Is the OM a supervisor over WW?

Was the affair exposed at work?

You need to move your family far away from the OM and the scene of the crime. WW's job has to go.

But do you want to believe truth? Is truth important to you?

Welcome to MB, golfer.

Whether or not a spouse is Christian, doesn't change the dynamics of the affair nor the steps needed to break it up and recover the marriage. Christians are sinners like everyone else. Being a Christian doesn't matter when a spouse is smoking the adultery crack pipe.

I can vouch for this. My wife was the godliest woman I knew before she started smoking the adultery crack pipe.

If it is going on again, do I confront her or go for exposure?

Okay since you asked...Christian here. And absolutely reconciled with doing what the Bible tells us to do...

Ephesians 5:11 was the biggest catalyst for me: Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.

I didn't expose properly at first either, and what that accomplished is a six month long false recovery.

Once I exposed, every day since then, my husband has come back to God and back to me.

She already knows what she is doing, so you don't tell her.
You expose far and wide, no kid gloves, no warning, tsunami of exposure.
If it is work related, you expose to the multiple positions of power including VP's and especially HR.

It never stopped though. They work together! That is like the alcoholic changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and pretending to be sober. It will never work.

In your case, I would let everyone know about the affair and start making plans to move away. Can you sell your home and move to another town with your kids? Have you exposed the affair to this mans wife and their employer?

That WW still works with the POS...your marriage doesn't stand a chance. There is no way she has not had contact with OM for the last two yrs given that he is right next door. You are in denial if you believe that garbage.

She has to quit her job and needs to follow EPs in your marriage. If you aren't going to get serious about ending contact and implementing EPs, then there is no hope anyway.

What are you going to require of her to stay married to you?

I am new. What are EPs?

What are you going to require of her to stay married to you?

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I really like that thought process! I have never looked at it like that?

Eventually I could, but I am tied to my job right now. Need to provide for the family. Not that easy to sell the house.

The man's wife knew the first time it came out. My wife actually went and told her and apologized. That didn't stop her though a couple of months later. The work place knew (they are both teachers). Again, this was two years ago.

extraordinary precautions...measures to affair proof your marriage

So have you personally spoken to the wife and the school authorities? How do you know they all know?

How am I supposed to handle this, the evidence that I have is that she saw him again. I only know about one time. Is there probably more, yes. Do I have the proof, no. Again, confront or expose?

I have not spoken to either. I know that my wife told his wife. The guy is a big time coach in the school district, so it was all over town. Pretty much everyone knew.

I would have a chat with her pronto and share all the intel you know. I would also expose him to the school board and everyone else. Everyone should know about the affair.

You have no idea what his wife knows and that is why you need to speak to her and exchange your information.

To be quite frank, I see that you have been enabling your wife for about 3 years so I don't have any hopes that you will fight for your marriage. The OM has been able to destroy your marriage without objection from you. That is not very encouraging.

Have you been tested for STDs?

The sad thing is that I can't argue with you. My defense is ignorance. Didn't find this website/book until two weeks ago when i realized all of the mistakes that I have made.

Do you think you can follow a plan now? It won't be easy, but there is a longshot. Are you willing to infuriate your wife if it might save your marriage?

I don't have any other options!

ok, buckle up! I would first go read my exposure thread and start planning an exposure. The people you will want to expose to would be: the OMW, the OM's family [via facebook], the school authorities, your family and close friends. Use the templates on my exposure thread.

Once it is exposed, tell your wife she has to leave that job. Start putting a plan in place to move somewhere else. Look for other jobs in other cities and get moving on that. It might take a while to get moved, but in the meantime, she can leave that job and end all contact.

Then your WW shouldn't mind you talking to the BW or anyone else about her affair so contact the BW, school, school district, etc and properly expose.

After the affair has been revealed, how much do I want to know? For those of you that have gone through this, did you ever get too much detail?

Well everyone is different, but you need to at least know who the AP was and what avenues they used to carry on the affair. You need to know to make sure all avenues are closed and EPs put in place to affair proof your marriage.

What details you ask otherwise is up to you. Some posters need to know every detail and some don't. If your WW is completely transparent and answers all your questions, that is a good sign that she's remorseful and ready for recovery.

Just remember to do it all in one sitting and then when all questions have been answered to never bring the affair up again.

No I never got too much detail. I wanted to know vs wondering about x, y, and z. The details hurt but it's the truth of what happened and helped me put some things to rest in my head.

Also, you are better off sticking with your original thread to ask questions so posters can understand your story.

You need to know pretty much everything about the affair. Get it early in the process. Ask to your satisfaction.

Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

OM is a big time local football coach....

Go to the press.

Maybe you'll get lucky and OM will leave town in shame. I'm sure somewhere among all the parents of the kids this guy coaches are one or more betrayed spouses that would just love to take out their frustrations on the publicly exposed wayward that has influence over their children. I know I wouldn't like it.

Golfer,

I agree with Melody in that you need to know everything. I let my W's affair slide without asking too many questions 20+ years ago and now I'm stuck with W giving me contradictory stories from time to time and new details leaking out every so often. Your imagination will work overtime creating details if you don't get the facts.

You also need to relay those details to the OMW, who will be able to cross check their accuracy. Ultimately get a polygraph for your WW.

I also think you need to very publicly expose the OM so that he is forced out of his coaching position. This needs to brought before the school board and widespread emails.

If your child was one of his players then it is an even more sever abuse of his position of trust and responsibility. Some coaches use their contact with the players Mothers as an endless source of affairs. This OM needs to be taken down.

God Bless
Gamma

You're not supposed to be discussing it twenty years later!

Markos,

You wrote You're not supposed to be discussing it twenty years later!

I agree with that, and for the most part I don't, however after 20+ years my W feels entitled to keep her secrets with OM2, and I've never felt that I got the story to my satisfaction. She can also now claim that she forgot as an easy out.

Also every so often cute details come out like what was in OM2s bedroom at the time of the affair, wait a minute "nothing happened" but you were where?

God Bless
Gamma

But Gamma there wasn't an affair because you weren't married, correct? She was your girlfriend at the time and then you married her knowing about this.

How come you keep saying it was an affair when you weren't married?

I don't want to T/J the OP, but I wanted to clarify for others who may be reading along.

Unanswered questions will haunt the BH 30+ years. Until the BH gets his answers it is a subject that needs to be visited. For without knowing what happened the BH can not leave the past in the past. The WW's refusal to provide the info keeps the affair in the present. And the future because today all the BH can do is think will tomorrow be the day I find out.

***EDIT***

Gamma is not a BH.

Brainy is not playing with words. Cheating while dating and adultery are two very different things.

Please advise using Marriage Builders principles or refrain from posting. Thank you.