How to get my husband to follow recovery steps - 11/20/14 08:51 PM
I am 27 and my husband is 29. We have been married almost 7 years but have been together since high school. We have 2 daughters 10 and 3.Five months ago I found out my husband was having an affair. Over the past few years he had developed a drinking problem. He never drank at home but would go out with friends. It steadily became worse and worse and was a constant source of argument between us. It started with him only going out maybe once a month but over the course of a couple years it got to the point where he was going out 2 or 3 times a week and getting so drunk that many times he couldnt come home that night or even worse he would drive home drunk. I never believed he was cheating on me though. Since he wasnt exactly an alcoholic he refused to admit that he had a problem.
Then one day he tells me that he doesnt feel like he is in love with me anymore and wants a separation. I snooped through his phone and found out about the A. When i first confronted him about it he said that he wasnt in love with her and had already ended it by telling her he was married. Since he never moved out i decided to do everything i could to fufill his ENs and work things out. It actually worked and a few months later he told me he was starting to fall in love with me again. He said that he wanted to be honest with me and admitted that his affair continued for almost 2 months after i found out. He said that he would stop getting drunk and also said i could check his phone whenever i wanted to make sure he wasnt lying to me. I went through his phone and found out about another affair that happened prior to the first one i found out about. Actually my husband has been cheating on me in various ways for the past 2 years. It started with an addiction to porn and moved on to sending innappropriate pictures back and forth between various women. Then as the drinking got worse he would occasionally kiss and make out with women he was out drinking with. Eventually he slept with someone and it got worse from there.
I just found all this out over the course of the past few weeks and feel devastated all over again. I dont know what to do. I want the whole truth but he refused to tell all the details of who he slept with. He said those are just painfull memories that make him feel like a terrible person and he doesnt understand why i want to re hash the past and make things worse for us. The problem is that while he feels like he is in love with me now, I am really confused. I always loved him but feel like I was loving a lie. He isnt who i thought he was and I feel like all my memories over the past couple of years are fake. Also I do not feel as though he is doing enough to prevent or avoid another affair. He still wants to occasionally go out with his friends after work and thinks he can handle it. I also really want him to change his cell number but he refuses. I am very bad at saying no to him and he is very persuasive and good at getting what he wants. I dont know how to make him see that he needs to change a whole lot more than he has for things to work. In his mind things are already very different and he is feeling good. Please help me know where to go from here.
Then one day he tells me that he doesnt feel like he is in love with me anymore and wants a separation. I snooped through his phone and found out about the A. When i first confronted him about it he said that he wasnt in love with her and had already ended it by telling her he was married. Since he never moved out i decided to do everything i could to fufill his ENs and work things out. It actually worked and a few months later he told me he was starting to fall in love with me again. He said that he wanted to be honest with me and admitted that his affair continued for almost 2 months after i found out. He said that he would stop getting drunk and also said i could check his phone whenever i wanted to make sure he wasnt lying to me. I went through his phone and found out about another affair that happened prior to the first one i found out about. Actually my husband has been cheating on me in various ways for the past 2 years. It started with an addiction to porn and moved on to sending innappropriate pictures back and forth between various women. Then as the drinking got worse he would occasionally kiss and make out with women he was out drinking with. Eventually he slept with someone and it got worse from there.
I just found all this out over the course of the past few weeks and feel devastated all over again. I dont know what to do. I want the whole truth but he refused to tell all the details of who he slept with. He said those are just painfull memories that make him feel like a terrible person and he doesnt understand why i want to re hash the past and make things worse for us. The problem is that while he feels like he is in love with me now, I am really confused. I always loved him but feel like I was loving a lie. He isnt who i thought he was and I feel like all my memories over the past couple of years are fake. Also I do not feel as though he is doing enough to prevent or avoid another affair. He still wants to occasionally go out with his friends after work and thinks he can handle it. I also really want him to change his cell number but he refuses. I am very bad at saying no to him and he is very persuasive and good at getting what he wants. I dont know how to make him see that he needs to change a whole lot more than he has for things to work. In his mind things are already very different and he is feeling good. Please help me know where to go from here.