Intro and need help! - 12/07/14 02:24 AM
Hi everyone,
I thank you in advance for hearing me out on this...so, we are about 4 months out from dday, it's been chaotic to say the least. My husband had an EA that turned to a PA in the form of a few make out sessions and suggestive text messages. There was also a private email account that I learned of. I think I believe that it went no further based on our communication, but for this moment, that is beside the point. We both agreed to try. We each see an IC and or MC. I switched to a new IC lately and have been very happy so far. I DO NOT like his IC at all and he's agreed without persuasion to try meeting with my new IC.
So, tonight is his holiday party (by the way, she's a co-worker-he's actively looking for a new position, but given the level, we anticipate it will take a while). I am not good with being overly open with my needs, etc. (I won't tell him until after the fact that it bothered me that he would go somewhere, etc. even if he asked me in advance). This time, I was very open and direct that I needed him to put me and our marriage before his career (an ongoing problem and source of our disconnect). I did not like the idea of him attending without me - the signal that that sent to her that he would go without me (and I refused to go, I don't need to put up with more stress). I didn't feel comfortable in general. I didn't like that it was a non-mandatory, social function where people would be happily chatting away in groups, as opposed to a work setting. It goes on, as I am sure you can imagine.
He felt compelled, as their boss, to go. He feels his leadership role to all of them required his attendance. we severely disagreed on this and he went. No offers of compromise (going for an hour, saying you're sorry you can stay but have family obligations, etc.). Nothing. He promised not to have any drinks, to steer clear of her and to stay in contact. That does not solve any of my issues.
I am so angry, so hurt that he put his career and employees above my discomfort and pain. i have been committed, but this is really killing me and i don't know where to go from here. I gave him the cold shoulder all day, and anticipate feeling the same way tomorrow. But I don't know how to move forward from here, how to interact, etc. He won, he got his way, with no compromise. An issue is when I back down too much, he loses all faith in his ability to regain my trust/love, etc. But right now, I can't help but back down. I just can't give in to this and imply that how he handled it was ok. My imminent backing down may well cause a total breakdown of us though.
Any suggestions on how to handle this? Thoughts?
Thank you in advance....
I thank you in advance for hearing me out on this...so, we are about 4 months out from dday, it's been chaotic to say the least. My husband had an EA that turned to a PA in the form of a few make out sessions and suggestive text messages. There was also a private email account that I learned of. I think I believe that it went no further based on our communication, but for this moment, that is beside the point. We both agreed to try. We each see an IC and or MC. I switched to a new IC lately and have been very happy so far. I DO NOT like his IC at all and he's agreed without persuasion to try meeting with my new IC.
So, tonight is his holiday party (by the way, she's a co-worker-he's actively looking for a new position, but given the level, we anticipate it will take a while). I am not good with being overly open with my needs, etc. (I won't tell him until after the fact that it bothered me that he would go somewhere, etc. even if he asked me in advance). This time, I was very open and direct that I needed him to put me and our marriage before his career (an ongoing problem and source of our disconnect). I did not like the idea of him attending without me - the signal that that sent to her that he would go without me (and I refused to go, I don't need to put up with more stress). I didn't feel comfortable in general. I didn't like that it was a non-mandatory, social function where people would be happily chatting away in groups, as opposed to a work setting. It goes on, as I am sure you can imagine.
He felt compelled, as their boss, to go. He feels his leadership role to all of them required his attendance. we severely disagreed on this and he went. No offers of compromise (going for an hour, saying you're sorry you can stay but have family obligations, etc.). Nothing. He promised not to have any drinks, to steer clear of her and to stay in contact. That does not solve any of my issues.
I am so angry, so hurt that he put his career and employees above my discomfort and pain. i have been committed, but this is really killing me and i don't know where to go from here. I gave him the cold shoulder all day, and anticipate feeling the same way tomorrow. But I don't know how to move forward from here, how to interact, etc. He won, he got his way, with no compromise. An issue is when I back down too much, he loses all faith in his ability to regain my trust/love, etc. But right now, I can't help but back down. I just can't give in to this and imply that how he handled it was ok. My imminent backing down may well cause a total breakdown of us though.
Any suggestions on how to handle this? Thoughts?
Thank you in advance....