I Had an Emotional Affair.. Need Help Letting Go. - 12/22/14 07:30 AM
Hello, I am new here and I'd like to apologize for the length of my post, but I really need some help with my situation.
I am a young woman and I've recently been in an emotional affair with another guy, Phil. He is a friend of a couple of my husband's friends. He used to come over occasionally with them to hang out with us and play games for a couple of days. These guys come over so much that I truly care for them very much and I enjoy being around them while they're here because we all share common interests, including my husband.
It all started when we found out Phil was moving out of state (he has since moved), I began texting him a bit. Other than him being at our home, we never talked, only texted.
At the time I was a little depressed and it was getting worse at this point because my husband and I were going through a little rough patch, so I developed feelings for Phil. My husband caught me texting him one day and questioned me a little and discovered I texted Phil on multiple occasions without his knowledge. I told him everything. I wasn't texting him for very long at this point so I honestly don't think Phil knows that I was sneaking, let alone having an emotional affair.. with him. I didn't even know what I went through was called anything until a couple days ago.
There were few things I opened up to him about before I got caught. Most of it was texting about harmless things, there was some flirting but mostly on my part, and the couple things I opened up to him about were: 1. about how I don't have any friends (by choice, really.. I'm kind of anti social), how it is nice to have someone else to talk to other than my husband (I basically asked him if we could be friends and still text after he moved) and 2. Last time he visited before moving he gave me a hug.. which surprised me as we have never shown affection to eachother like that before. I had planned to give him a hug before he left, and I did, but the 2nd time was a longer hug because I waited until he let go. I loved the hugs.. even when I think of it now. Both were out of my husband's sight. I texted Phil later that day, telling him that he surprised me with his hug. He said it was the last chance to do it, which was true. I told him it meant so much to me (it really did, still does), and he replied that it meant a lot to him too. I don't know for sure if he knows I had feelings for him after that. I felt it was obvious but there was a girl he and the other guys are friends with and they all gave her a hug 3 separate times when she came over to visit a while back.
I haven't texted Phil since my husband found out besides a couple times when he texted both my husband and me, and one other time he texted just me.. which I showed to my husband. That was the last time he texted me. He definitely texts me less now since I stopped. I used to text him everyday and he would reply, sometimes not right away but I'd get a response. He would text me on his own once every 2 or 3 days. I don't know what he thinks, but since I stopped texts and because I asked him if I could still text him after he moved I feel f'n terrible. I imagine he thinks the worst of me because I haven't done what I asked of him. I feel so guilty over it. I talked to my husband about me feeling guilty over this and it didn't turn out well.
A long time ago when our relationship began we made it a thing that we would not be friends with the opposite sex. At that time I was okay with that. Over the years I found I get along better with guys than I do girls.. but I don't want to be friends with just any guy. I want them to be able to hang out with both of us, like the ones that come over.
I know what I did wrong here and how it happened, but I still want to be able to talk to Phil, I don't know why exactly. My husband is certainly not okay with that since it's disrespectful to him, but I can't help but feel like still texting him. Since I feel so terrible about it I want to text Phil and tell him how I was sneaking my texts with him, and how my husband found out. I'm worried if I do that Phil might think it's my husband who is in the wrong. He must think something is different since he quit texting me too. I just don't want him to think I'm a bad person. I still care for him on a friend level, I think that may be why I can't let go so easily. My husband didn't think he was a great person so I know he won't want me to text him anything at all. Unfortunately I don't think I can stop feeling guilty until I text him what I've done. Wierd thing is my husband told me it doesn't bother him if Phil texts me, so long as I tell him. But I cannot text him.
What I am really asking here is, in cases similar to mine, should I text Phil one last time? Essentially ending my emotional affair that I believe he is totally unaware of. If yes, (which I'm hoping for, to be honest) what do I say? What parts should be left out? I am very tempted to be completely honest with him without mentioning my feelings. Even thinking about just telling him not to view my husband badly, that this whole thing was my fault and sorry for getting him involved.
I just want things to go back to normal. Or as close to normal as it can get. Never talking about this again with my husband will do just that.. at least that is my hope.
If Phil came back to visit, I would want to hug him so bad.. I would be like that if any of the guys that hang out moved away and came back for a visit. But because of what happened, I don't think my husband will be ok with it.. even if it was in front of him.
I shouldn't feel this bad about Phil but I do and I don't know why... Although I don't want to end what I started with him, I would feel so much better if he knew why I suddenly quit texting him. I just want to tell him the truth so so bad. I'm worried if it is taken the wrong way it will get back to my husband, thus bringing back more problems. I don't even know why I want to risk it.
I have thought about 'what if he had done this to you?' thing as well. So if at all possible, please don't mention that. I also never really wanted to be 'with' Phil, as I believe it wouldn't work out between us. I still had the thoughts though.. I couldn't help it I guess. It was more like we had 'innocent' flirting, but not much.
What I truly wanted was to be able to talk to him as a friend, to hear how he was doing, and have someone to talk to about stuff I wouldn't think my husband would want to talk about.. and no I don't mean inappropriate stuff.
I don't know what to do. I feel so lost..
I am a young woman and I've recently been in an emotional affair with another guy, Phil. He is a friend of a couple of my husband's friends. He used to come over occasionally with them to hang out with us and play games for a couple of days. These guys come over so much that I truly care for them very much and I enjoy being around them while they're here because we all share common interests, including my husband.
It all started when we found out Phil was moving out of state (he has since moved), I began texting him a bit. Other than him being at our home, we never talked, only texted.
At the time I was a little depressed and it was getting worse at this point because my husband and I were going through a little rough patch, so I developed feelings for Phil. My husband caught me texting him one day and questioned me a little and discovered I texted Phil on multiple occasions without his knowledge. I told him everything. I wasn't texting him for very long at this point so I honestly don't think Phil knows that I was sneaking, let alone having an emotional affair.. with him. I didn't even know what I went through was called anything until a couple days ago.
There were few things I opened up to him about before I got caught. Most of it was texting about harmless things, there was some flirting but mostly on my part, and the couple things I opened up to him about were: 1. about how I don't have any friends (by choice, really.. I'm kind of anti social), how it is nice to have someone else to talk to other than my husband (I basically asked him if we could be friends and still text after he moved) and 2. Last time he visited before moving he gave me a hug.. which surprised me as we have never shown affection to eachother like that before. I had planned to give him a hug before he left, and I did, but the 2nd time was a longer hug because I waited until he let go. I loved the hugs.. even when I think of it now. Both were out of my husband's sight. I texted Phil later that day, telling him that he surprised me with his hug. He said it was the last chance to do it, which was true. I told him it meant so much to me (it really did, still does), and he replied that it meant a lot to him too. I don't know for sure if he knows I had feelings for him after that. I felt it was obvious but there was a girl he and the other guys are friends with and they all gave her a hug 3 separate times when she came over to visit a while back.
I haven't texted Phil since my husband found out besides a couple times when he texted both my husband and me, and one other time he texted just me.. which I showed to my husband. That was the last time he texted me. He definitely texts me less now since I stopped. I used to text him everyday and he would reply, sometimes not right away but I'd get a response. He would text me on his own once every 2 or 3 days. I don't know what he thinks, but since I stopped texts and because I asked him if I could still text him after he moved I feel f'n terrible. I imagine he thinks the worst of me because I haven't done what I asked of him. I feel so guilty over it. I talked to my husband about me feeling guilty over this and it didn't turn out well.
A long time ago when our relationship began we made it a thing that we would not be friends with the opposite sex. At that time I was okay with that. Over the years I found I get along better with guys than I do girls.. but I don't want to be friends with just any guy. I want them to be able to hang out with both of us, like the ones that come over.
I know what I did wrong here and how it happened, but I still want to be able to talk to Phil, I don't know why exactly. My husband is certainly not okay with that since it's disrespectful to him, but I can't help but feel like still texting him. Since I feel so terrible about it I want to text Phil and tell him how I was sneaking my texts with him, and how my husband found out. I'm worried if I do that Phil might think it's my husband who is in the wrong. He must think something is different since he quit texting me too. I just don't want him to think I'm a bad person. I still care for him on a friend level, I think that may be why I can't let go so easily. My husband didn't think he was a great person so I know he won't want me to text him anything at all. Unfortunately I don't think I can stop feeling guilty until I text him what I've done. Wierd thing is my husband told me it doesn't bother him if Phil texts me, so long as I tell him. But I cannot text him.
What I am really asking here is, in cases similar to mine, should I text Phil one last time? Essentially ending my emotional affair that I believe he is totally unaware of. If yes, (which I'm hoping for, to be honest) what do I say? What parts should be left out? I am very tempted to be completely honest with him without mentioning my feelings. Even thinking about just telling him not to view my husband badly, that this whole thing was my fault and sorry for getting him involved.
I just want things to go back to normal. Or as close to normal as it can get. Never talking about this again with my husband will do just that.. at least that is my hope.
If Phil came back to visit, I would want to hug him so bad.. I would be like that if any of the guys that hang out moved away and came back for a visit. But because of what happened, I don't think my husband will be ok with it.. even if it was in front of him.
I shouldn't feel this bad about Phil but I do and I don't know why... Although I don't want to end what I started with him, I would feel so much better if he knew why I suddenly quit texting him. I just want to tell him the truth so so bad. I'm worried if it is taken the wrong way it will get back to my husband, thus bringing back more problems. I don't even know why I want to risk it.
I have thought about 'what if he had done this to you?' thing as well. So if at all possible, please don't mention that. I also never really wanted to be 'with' Phil, as I believe it wouldn't work out between us. I still had the thoughts though.. I couldn't help it I guess. It was more like we had 'innocent' flirting, but not much.
What I truly wanted was to be able to talk to him as a friend, to hear how he was doing, and have someone to talk to about stuff I wouldn't think my husband would want to talk about.. and no I don't mean inappropriate stuff.
I don't know what to do. I feel so lost..