Burned Very Bad Need a Womans Perspective - 01/28/15 03:30 PM
Looking for advice from a womans point of view. Whether you have been cheated on or cheated yourself I am looking for some advise on my situation. At the end of the day I chose to stay but I live with the burning question will this ever happen again and trying to wrap my head around why it happened and who and what I am to her today. If your interested in helping please read this very long story and any advise would be appreciated.
So here is my unfortunate story... I am a 35 year old guy and have been with my wife for 14 years now married for 6. We started dating when she was just finishing high school so we were young. We were very connected in the early stages but we were also young and immature. She was a very jealous type and I still wanted my independence along with the relationship (guys nights out etc). We both treated each other great at times and not so great at times and did our fair share of fighting. I always thought we had this connection that kept us together. Last year on her 30th birthday my friend who is a total player cheats on his wife constantly has always had a thing for her (my stupid fault for staying friends with this Ahole). She has always had a huge crush on him too but I never really saw or noticed. I was completely na�ve in thinking we loved each other and nothing would ever happen. I had asked him to babysit for us so I could take her out for her bday. He texted her to say happy birthday and they started chatting. She was totally smitten and just threw her self at him and he happily accepted. I have not always been the best husband and she was equally not the greatest wife. We did not communicate or really fulfill each others needs. I always knew we would have to address these issues one day but just didn't act soon enough. They had a 2 week thing until I caught them. She used me to make this happen as I was the only real access to her being with him in person. We went out with him and his wife for dinner and UFC the week after it all started and she was rubbing him with her foot under the table right beside me. She followed him to the bathroom every chance she got and finally she met him coming out and they kissed quickly. That week they did a lot of sexting and texting. They only talked on the phone a couple of times and once was for an extended period. She tried hanging out with him during the day as she works from home but since he knew there was no opportunity for sex he made excuses why he could not. She knew who and what he was as we have talked about it before but just ignored it as she was having a lot of fun and excitement. I became completely invisible to her and she painted this horrible picture of me in her mind to maybe ease her conscience. She saw nothing wrong with what she was doing and was just being very selfish. She had sex with him once during the 2 weeks. We went out again the following weekend drinking and Karaoke and I saw her looking at him a certain way. He went to the washroom and she followed. They were gone for a while and I knew something was up so I went and caught him just leaving. She took him into the womens washroom into the stall kissed and BJ. I believe she enjoyed the physical part but also it was a way to keep him interested in her.
It took a few months for me to finally unravel the whole story as all I knew was the karaoke night. After that night we talked about our relationship and I immediately changed everything I was doing wrong. I work for her dad and we have 2 kids I didn't want to break up my family and lose my career. I also very much love her I always have. She has had a much harder time changing her part of the bad marriage and is realizing how much of it was actually her issues as well as mine. I have been sticking with it working very hard helping her work on her issues as I told her you have to change or I will not be able to stay. She has been doing very well but more work to be done... She has shown an incredible amount of remorse, shame and guilt. To the point she goes to pretty dark places every time we talked about it and is very self loathing when she is confronted with what she did. She never once made any effort to talk to me prior that she was unhappy. When he texted her she had no interest in trying to fix our marriage as she was really into the excitement and had complete disregard for our family and figured she wouldn't get caught.
I have struggled with this every day the pain and horrible feelings are the worst. Like so many others I struggle most when I am alone driving to/from work etc. It has gotten a little better but I am so badly hurt and damaged by what she did. Since I have lost 35 lbs changed my look and everything about me as a husband. I truly believe she loves the new me. My biggest fear is will this ever happen again down the road. If she is ever confronted with a similar opportunity and feel confident she would not get caught will she do it again. Is the excitement she had like a drug once you have had a taste it would be hard to turn down. What is a woman's perspective on all of this as men just don't think the same or understand women...
So here is my unfortunate story... I am a 35 year old guy and have been with my wife for 14 years now married for 6. We started dating when she was just finishing high school so we were young. We were very connected in the early stages but we were also young and immature. She was a very jealous type and I still wanted my independence along with the relationship (guys nights out etc). We both treated each other great at times and not so great at times and did our fair share of fighting. I always thought we had this connection that kept us together. Last year on her 30th birthday my friend who is a total player cheats on his wife constantly has always had a thing for her (my stupid fault for staying friends with this Ahole). She has always had a huge crush on him too but I never really saw or noticed. I was completely na�ve in thinking we loved each other and nothing would ever happen. I had asked him to babysit for us so I could take her out for her bday. He texted her to say happy birthday and they started chatting. She was totally smitten and just threw her self at him and he happily accepted. I have not always been the best husband and she was equally not the greatest wife. We did not communicate or really fulfill each others needs. I always knew we would have to address these issues one day but just didn't act soon enough. They had a 2 week thing until I caught them. She used me to make this happen as I was the only real access to her being with him in person. We went out with him and his wife for dinner and UFC the week after it all started and she was rubbing him with her foot under the table right beside me. She followed him to the bathroom every chance she got and finally she met him coming out and they kissed quickly. That week they did a lot of sexting and texting. They only talked on the phone a couple of times and once was for an extended period. She tried hanging out with him during the day as she works from home but since he knew there was no opportunity for sex he made excuses why he could not. She knew who and what he was as we have talked about it before but just ignored it as she was having a lot of fun and excitement. I became completely invisible to her and she painted this horrible picture of me in her mind to maybe ease her conscience. She saw nothing wrong with what she was doing and was just being very selfish. She had sex with him once during the 2 weeks. We went out again the following weekend drinking and Karaoke and I saw her looking at him a certain way. He went to the washroom and she followed. They were gone for a while and I knew something was up so I went and caught him just leaving. She took him into the womens washroom into the stall kissed and BJ. I believe she enjoyed the physical part but also it was a way to keep him interested in her.
It took a few months for me to finally unravel the whole story as all I knew was the karaoke night. After that night we talked about our relationship and I immediately changed everything I was doing wrong. I work for her dad and we have 2 kids I didn't want to break up my family and lose my career. I also very much love her I always have. She has had a much harder time changing her part of the bad marriage and is realizing how much of it was actually her issues as well as mine. I have been sticking with it working very hard helping her work on her issues as I told her you have to change or I will not be able to stay. She has been doing very well but more work to be done... She has shown an incredible amount of remorse, shame and guilt. To the point she goes to pretty dark places every time we talked about it and is very self loathing when she is confronted with what she did. She never once made any effort to talk to me prior that she was unhappy. When he texted her she had no interest in trying to fix our marriage as she was really into the excitement and had complete disregard for our family and figured she wouldn't get caught.
I have struggled with this every day the pain and horrible feelings are the worst. Like so many others I struggle most when I am alone driving to/from work etc. It has gotten a little better but I am so badly hurt and damaged by what she did. Since I have lost 35 lbs changed my look and everything about me as a husband. I truly believe she loves the new me. My biggest fear is will this ever happen again down the road. If she is ever confronted with a similar opportunity and feel confident she would not get caught will she do it again. Is the excitement she had like a drug once you have had a taste it would be hard to turn down. What is a woman's perspective on all of this as men just don't think the same or understand women...