I'm not sure if I want to fix my marriage..... - 01/28/15 09:15 PM
My wife and I have been together for about 12 years and married for 10. We are both on our second marriages and we each have kids from our previous marriages and one young child that we share. After the child that we had together was born we had a talk about birth control since neither of us wanted any more children. We had a friend who had gotten her tubes tied and, after several years went on the have 3 more kids. She claims it was a miracle and perhaps it was, but neither my wife nor I wanted another miracle. So we both decided that I should get a vasectomy. So I had the vasectomy a few months later and that was the end of it. About 3 years pass and I got a nasty kidney infection. I was running a 102 fever and I was a mess. I went to see my doc. They did some standard tests and said all was normal and an antibiotic would knock it out. The next day I'm laying in bed and my wife comes in crying her eyes out. She told me that she was sorry she made me sick and she didn't know why she did the things that she had done. I asked her what could she have possibly done to have caused this, but she just kept crying and wouldn't answer my question. I just figured she was nuts and forgot about it. A year after that passes and she tells me she wants her tubes tied. So I ask her why. What reason could she have for getting her tubes tied when I already had the operation? She said she wanted it done just in case my operation failed. She said it would just be like extra protection. I told her she was nuts. We average intimacy about 2 times a week. Times that by 52 weeks and 4 years. So we had sex over 400 times without incident and she's telling me she wants her tubes tied in case my operation failed. She wouldn't let up about it. We fought for over a month. Then we got a chance to move to Florida. We were living in Massachusetts when she wanted the operation, but we are originally from Rhode Island. So we move to Florida. We were there 5 months and we decided to move back to Rhode Island. About a month before we moved she started arguing with me again about getting her tubes tied. I got angry and she stopped asking for the surgery. One day while back up North I walked up behind her when she was on the computer and she didn't hear me. When she noticed me she jumped 5 feet in the air and looked like she was having a panic attack. She was reading an email from a guy. She quickly shut it down and said it was nothing, but she was all red and sweating. A month after that she starts complaining that her period has been getting really bad and the bleeding was heavy. She had never mentioned that to me before. So she goes to see her doc and the doc puts an IUD (birth control that lasts 5 years) in her. You should have seen her after it was put in. It was like someone put her on Prozac. She was off the wall happy. Singing all the time, etc. She finally had gotten the birth control that she wanted. Then other behaviors started changing. I used to give her hickies when love making. Not the big nasty ones that you see on people's necks, but little ones. I had been doing this for years. Not every time we fooled around, but every couple of months or so. So one day I gave her one and she got upset. She told me that people could see it, but there was no way anyone could see it unless she was topless. Then a month goes by and I did it again. This time she flipped out and swore at me. She said that I marked her like a "bleep" dog. She said I was marking my territory like she was a piece of meat. I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. Now that I look back on it, the hickies must have upset the guy she was seeing. No man likes to see evidence of another man while "making love." The next thing that started to change was that our sex life became a series of quickies. We no longer did the same things and everything felt rushed. She also stopped having orgasms with me. When I tried talking to her about this she said it wasn't me, it was just something she was going through. As time passed she started becoming secretive. She positioned the computer so that nobody could walk up behind her. She started sleeping with her cell phone under her pillow. I told her that it was going to start a fire so she got a better cell phone and put a lock on it so no one could look at it. She used to lock herself in the bathroom and text on the phone. I could hear her acrylic nails tapping on the phone so I knew what she was doing.
I could go on and on, but I feel like I'm writing a novel. I don't spy on her. I don't have any spy programs on her phone or her computer. She's sloppy about hiding the affair. Maybe she doesn't if it hurts me. I don't know.
So, to make a very long story a little shorter... We ended up moving back to Florida. We were there 3 years. While in Florida little things that caused red flags with me continued to happen. After 3 years in Florida she wants to move back to be near her parents. I said that was fine, but I didn't want to live in the same city that we had left from. I didn't say it was because she cheated there only that I didn't want to live there. So she finds a rental online and gets her Dad to pay the security so we could move home. The house she rented is within a block of where we lived before. I specifically told her I didn't want to move back here. She claimed it's all she could find. So in the whole state, she could only find one suitable rental. She had claimed she wanted to move back here to be near her parents, but she moved us far from them. It's not really far, but far enough that they don't visit us.
About a month and a half ago she bought a bottle of wine. She's not a drinker and it doesn't take much to get her drunk. She drank almost the whole bottle of wine. She was bombed. She told me she was going out to walk the dog so I figured I had better go with her. We had just started walking when she stops in front of a house 5 houses down from and points at it. She tells me that she had been in that house before, but it was nobody that I knew. So I asked her for what. She told me she used to go there for sex. Then she started telling me details. I was stunned. I told her to shut up I didn't want to hear anymore. Then she continued to walk the dog like nothing happened. She got home and threw up all the wine. I cleaned the mess and put her to bed. I didn't tell her about the incident until 2 weeks later. I wasn't sure how I wanted to say it. She told me that she was drunk and didn't remember the conversation. Then she told me that she likes to make up stories when she's drunk and that it never really happened. Later she told me that it was probably me making the whole thing up. In that house there is an older model red pick up. I remember that at her old job there was a maintenance guy with an older model red pick up. I drove by where she worked a couple times and the truck was never there, but this was 4 years ago and perhaps he just changed jobs. I'd like to tell the guy's wife what had happened, but I'm not sure. What if it really was the wine talking?
I believe that my wife has cheated on me for at least the last 6 years of our 10 year marriage. Since this was in 3 different states I'm sure it was with several different men. I've confronted her many times about this. She uses the word trust as if it's a defense. She tells me she can't believe I don't trust her and she doesn't know who I am anymore.
I don't know why I'm writing this here. Perhaps it's just to vent. I see lots of posts by people who were cheated on and they are doing their best to fix things and get over it. I don't know if I really want to. Last night I laid in bed next to my wife and watched her sleep. I love my wife, but I no longer see her as "my" wife. The most precious gift two people can give to each other she gave away to others. How do I forgive that? Why should I forgive that? I just don't know.
I could go on and on, but I feel like I'm writing a novel. I don't spy on her. I don't have any spy programs on her phone or her computer. She's sloppy about hiding the affair. Maybe she doesn't if it hurts me. I don't know.
So, to make a very long story a little shorter... We ended up moving back to Florida. We were there 3 years. While in Florida little things that caused red flags with me continued to happen. After 3 years in Florida she wants to move back to be near her parents. I said that was fine, but I didn't want to live in the same city that we had left from. I didn't say it was because she cheated there only that I didn't want to live there. So she finds a rental online and gets her Dad to pay the security so we could move home. The house she rented is within a block of where we lived before. I specifically told her I didn't want to move back here. She claimed it's all she could find. So in the whole state, she could only find one suitable rental. She had claimed she wanted to move back here to be near her parents, but she moved us far from them. It's not really far, but far enough that they don't visit us.
About a month and a half ago she bought a bottle of wine. She's not a drinker and it doesn't take much to get her drunk. She drank almost the whole bottle of wine. She was bombed. She told me she was going out to walk the dog so I figured I had better go with her. We had just started walking when she stops in front of a house 5 houses down from and points at it. She tells me that she had been in that house before, but it was nobody that I knew. So I asked her for what. She told me she used to go there for sex. Then she started telling me details. I was stunned. I told her to shut up I didn't want to hear anymore. Then she continued to walk the dog like nothing happened. She got home and threw up all the wine. I cleaned the mess and put her to bed. I didn't tell her about the incident until 2 weeks later. I wasn't sure how I wanted to say it. She told me that she was drunk and didn't remember the conversation. Then she told me that she likes to make up stories when she's drunk and that it never really happened. Later she told me that it was probably me making the whole thing up. In that house there is an older model red pick up. I remember that at her old job there was a maintenance guy with an older model red pick up. I drove by where she worked a couple times and the truck was never there, but this was 4 years ago and perhaps he just changed jobs. I'd like to tell the guy's wife what had happened, but I'm not sure. What if it really was the wine talking?
I believe that my wife has cheated on me for at least the last 6 years of our 10 year marriage. Since this was in 3 different states I'm sure it was with several different men. I've confronted her many times about this. She uses the word trust as if it's a defense. She tells me she can't believe I don't trust her and she doesn't know who I am anymore.
I don't know why I'm writing this here. Perhaps it's just to vent. I see lots of posts by people who were cheated on and they are doing their best to fix things and get over it. I don't know if I really want to. Last night I laid in bed next to my wife and watched her sleep. I love my wife, but I no longer see her as "my" wife. The most precious gift two people can give to each other she gave away to others. How do I forgive that? Why should I forgive that? I just don't know.