My husband and I have been together almost 8 years (married almost 3). 2 years ago, I had an affair with a co-worker. It lasted for about 3-4 months before things ended. It was the biggest mistake of my life and I will forever regret what I did. My husband stayed and we've had a long rocky road trying to recover.

We have been through counseling, read a couple books-including His needs, Her needs. We were both working to fix what happened and we stayed together for each other. We don't have any kids, don't own our home--so the reason to stay was for each other.

Over the last year and half we seem to have couple months where things are going well and then a very bad week or two. The bad weeks were mainly due to not communicating and bottling up feelings that would lead to him resenting me for what I did. Then once we got things out in the open, things would go back to a much more positive environment.

And over that year and a half, there are times where he truly wants to work on things and times where he would rather just leave and start over somewhere else.

Up until last month, things were the best that they had been since the affair happened. We were talking about our future together, having a family, and building our home. We found a home in another town, closer to his family that we loved. He took out a loan and bought the house.

Since December we have been talking about this house being an opportunity to start fresh in a new city, with new memories and getting away from painful reminders. We didn't treat it as we were running away from our problems--just an opportunity to build new happy memories.

Last week was the closing on the home and my husband said that he wanted to leave and didn't want me to come with him. He just told me today that he filed divorce papers. I feel so blindsided.

He said that it would be impossible for me to fulfill his emotional and physical need for sex--that he didn't want to have sex with me because all he could think about was the other person. He said that he will never trust me again. He said that no one deserves what I did to him and he can't stay married to someone who would do that. He said he has an opportunity to start over and work on himself and get back to being happy. He feels that if I go with him, the negative reminder will follow and he will continue to be unhappy.

I completely understand how he feels. But it just seems like this decision was made so suddenly. Literally 30 days ago we were talking about kids and how much we wanted in the bank before we start trying. How does a marriage go from that to divorce so fast?

I don't know what to do here. I'm hurt and confused and I definitely don't blame him for feeling that way. But he is my best friend and we haven't spent more than 2 days apart in the 8 years we have been together. How can he just never see me again and be ok?

I know that people say separating is a last resort. I feel that's my only option left since he's so adamant about leaving. Maybe that's what he needs? I guess I can't expect him to heal here in what he considers now a toxic environment.

Any help or suggestions is greatly appreciated.

My husband and I have been together almost 8 years (married almost 3). 2 years ago, I had an affair with a co-worker. It lasted for about 3-4 months before things ended. It was the biggest mistake of my life and I will forever regret what I did. My husband stayed and we've had a long rocky road trying to recover.

We have been through counseling, read a couple books-including His needs, Her needs. We were both working to fix what happened and we stayed together for each other. We don't have any kids, don't own our home--so the reason to stay was for each other.

Over the last year and half we seem to have couple months where things are going well and then a very bad week or two. The bad weeks were mainly due to not communicating and bottling up feelings that would lead to him resenting me for what I did. Then once we got things out in the open, things would go back to a much more positive environment.

And over that year and a half, there are times where he truly wants to work on things and times where he would rather just leave and start over somewhere else.

Up until last month, things were the best that they had been since the affair happened. We were talking about our future together, having a family, and building our home. We found a home in another town, closer to his family that we loved. He took out a loan and bought the house.

Since December we have been talking about this house being an opportunity to start fresh in a new city, with new memories and getting away from painful reminders. We didn't treat it as we were running away from our problems--just an opportunity to build new happy memories.

Last week was the closing on the home and my husband said that he wanted to leave and didn't want me to come with him. He just told me today that he filed divorce papers. I feel so blindsided.

He said that it would be impossible for me to fulfill his emotional and physical need for sex--that he didn't want to have sex with me because all he could think about was the other person. He said that he will never trust me again. He said that no one deserves what I did to him and he can't stay married to someone who would do that. He said he has an opportunity to start over and work on himself and get back to being happy. He feels that if I go with him, the negative reminder will follow and he will continue to be unhappy.

I completely understand how he feels. But it just seems like this decision was made so suddenly. Literally 30 days ago we were talking about kids and how much we wanted in the bank before we start trying. How does a marriage go from that to divorce so fast?

I don't know what to do here. I'm hurt and confused and I definitely don't blame him for feeling that way. But he is my best friend and we haven't spent more than 2 days apart in the 8 years we have been together. How can he just never see me again and be ok?

I know that people say separating is a last resort. I feel that's my only option left since he's so adamant about leaving. Maybe that's what he needs? I guess I can't expect him to heal here in what he considers now a toxic environment.

Any help or suggestions is greatly appreciated.

What happened that has triggered him so badly? Do you still work with the OM? Have the conditions that led to the affair been changed, ie: poor boundaries around men, working in the same environment, etc?

I don't know of one event that triggered this. It seemed like when we got closer to closing on this house was when I noticed a change. Less than a week later he told me wanted out.

I do not work with the OM. I ended up leaving that job out of respect for my husband. Things have drastically changed since the affair. I have extremely high boundaries around men, i have a new job in a much better environment. I've also done my best to rebuild trust. He has all of my passwords to everything, he can look at my phone anytime, and I'm very open about letting him know where I am going and when-and letting him know if my plans change.

What is really sad about this is that moving into the new house would have helped your marriage dramatically. Moving out of the environment where great sadness took place makes an amazing difference. It is like moving out from under a dark cloud.

We could help him completely forget about this affair and have a happy marriage with you. Many of us have done this ourselves.

What else is going in your marriage? Do you have separate leisure lifestyles? Does he go out without you? Has something else happened that has caused him to be unhappy?

Have you had ANY contact EVER with the OM since the affair ended? Do you see him on facebook? Does your husband ever see him? Does he live close by?

Does he also practice complete transparency with you? Is there anything to make you suspect a revenge affair with someone?

It is possible he has just decided that he is not interested in recovery. Nobody would fault him for that. Recovering from infidelity is very very hard, and when you are so newly married, with no children, divorcing might look like a better option.

But this quick change in attitude could also indicate an RA.

AMS,

Did you trickle truth you BH, by that I mean did you take a long time to tell him the full story and details. Trickle truth will make a BH feel hopeless and unrecoverable.

Did you offer to take a polygraph to give your BH confidence that he has the full story?

Was there a downside for OM was he fired and was he exposed, or did OM get to continue living his life as if nothing had happened?

God Bless
Gamma

I agree, I just wish we would have made it to that point to get away from that dark cloud together.

Our marriage is very good outside of this. We are best friends and we do everything together. In regards to our needs, we do have a few issues there. He has a strong need for sex and it's difficult to totally fulfill it because there are times he struggles with sex because he still thinks about the affair and the OM. I have a need for affection and he knows that he has struggled to fulfill this for me and a big part of it is the affair. It's one of the main things that led me into an affair. But he lacks the desire to give me affection because of what I did.

I have had no contact with the OM since the affair. My husband has had contact with him once--he actually went to his home to confront him. He ended up yelling at him and the OM just sat there and denied everything. It did help give my husband a big sense of closure because he finally got to say all of the things to the OM that he wanted and needed to say to him.

He has the same transparency with me. He did have a one night RA while my affair was going on--he always said he knew the whole time.

It is very possible that he's no longer interested. He's put a great deal of effort and energy into recovery and he may be at a point now where he wants to put his energy into other things...

Hi Gamma,

I hate to admit it, but yes I definitely did the trickle truth for probably 3 months. That was one of my biggest mistakes. It was so hard because my husband is the type to want to know EVERY detail so his mind doesn't wonder. I was afraid of hurting him by telling the truth and I was afraid he would leave.

I understand now that did a lot more damage than good.

"It's one of the main things that led me into an affair. But he lacks the desire to give me affection because of what I did."

Do you tell him the affair occurred because he didn't meet your need for affection?

Melody,

Yes he does know this. I think he has at the point where he feels like he cannot meet this need. Which I understand why he feels this way. But I don't think he understands that this feeling isn't permanent and it will go away.

AMS, based on the way you answered Melody's question, let me ask you: Have you considered that he may sense that you're trying to cast any part of the responsibility for your affair onto him?

He bears partial responsibility for the state of your marriage, pre-affair, as do you. However, he bears no responsibility whatsoever for your decision to have an affair. Are you clear about that? It sounds to me like you might be foggy on this point.

Hi GloveOil,

I don't believe he feels this way. I have made it incredibly clear to him that the affair was 100% my fault. I made the decision to have the affair and I should have recognized that I was having feelings for someone else and went straight home to work things out with my husband instead of having an affair.

In the beginning he did take some responsibility for it, but over time he has understood that it was not his fault and the responsibility lies with me.

I believe in my heart that my husband will move into this house and bury himself with the distraction of working on the renovations and a new job. However, when the dust settles and he's in the house alone without me and our pets that he will wish he would have stayed or at least consider reconciling.

I just feel like the decision to give up was made so quickly that he might not feel the same a week from now.

I'm not sure the next step though. Do i let him move out and give him space to get his thoughts together? Or do I fight and try and change him mind now?

I have 10 days until he moves everything out so I'm running out of time

Ok, this is a huge part of the problem. Blaming him for the affair tells him that he is not safe. The reason you had the affair is because you had poor boundaries around men and you allowed another man to meet your needs. If that does not change, you WILL have another affair.

He could be meeting your needs 1000% but if you allow others to meet your needs, it will NEVER make any difference. I would leave you too under those circumstances.

AMS, right here is where you blamed him for the affair. So you can't say you take responsibility for the affair after you have just said this.

Here is what Steve Harley told a board member betrayed wife about this issue. Her husband was telling her exactly what you have told your husband:

Hmm I guess I didn't realize I was looking at it that way. I believe that I was not getting my need for affection met and that left me vulnerable to an affair. However I completely agree that the primary reason for the affair was my poor boundaries and I allowed someone else to meet my needs.

Maybe I did a bad job at conveying that to him

Does he believe that you will have another affair if he does not meet your needs? Does he feel he has a gun to his head? What would change in the future if he doesn't meet your needs? That is something he should consider. It is much easier to get out of a marriage when there are no children and no mortgage, so maybe he is just not hopeful for the future?

Melody you are right. I definitely need to address these questions with him. He has mentioned that his biggest fear is that if I move to the new home with him that the negative will follow. There are triggers and reminders all over the place where we live now--but he said that I'm the biggest reminder.

And that's something I don't know how to fix. I feel like only time will help that one. I hope I'm wrong.

The way to fix that trigger is to create a SAFE, better marriage than you had before. Your marriage should be much, much better than it was before the affair. It should be the happiest element of your lives. When that happens, he won't be thinking of the past.

Just moving will take him to a whole new positive place. He won't be reminded of the sadness of the past if your relationship is great and......HE STOPS TALKING ABOUT THE AFFAIR! Talking about the affair keeps it in the present and causes the sadness to drag on. He has been talking about it, hasn't he?

Will he come here and speak to us?

AMS, we're parsing your words because words are windows to the soul, and so your words can matter a great deal.

If you've said, even thoughtlessly, to anonymous strangers on an internet forum that some action or shortcoming of your husband's 'led you' into an affair, chances are, that sentiment has been coming across in your words and/or actions toward him.

Nothing 'led' me into my affair. It mattered not a whit that the OW made the first move. What mattered was that I had it solely in my own power, all along, to rebuff things, to end things, to come clean from the outset or to come clean at any step of the way -- and yet I chose not to, as I made selfish choice after selfish choice all along the way, for 2 & a half months. None of that was on OW or on my wife. I could've gone to my wife with my little discontents & been up-front and persistent & patient and done a million things other than the things I did. Same with you. Nothing & no one 'led' you into your affair or kept you in it. You went there on you own.

So what can you do now? For one, you can start owning it. Fully. Not merely to us. To him. In words and in deeds.

Yes, recovering a marriage after an affair requires the commitment of both spouses. But for there to be a prayer that your husband will feel emotionally safe with you, he has to sense that you own your actions. You have a huge hill to climb thanks to the extended period of 'trickle-truth.' Fully 'owning' the selfishness that constituted your affair won't be sufficient to save your marriage, but it will be necessary in order to have a marriage worth saving.

AMS,

But what became of the OM was he married and if so was he at least exposed, was he at least fired, one of the things to keep a BH triggered is when the OM gets away clean.

Possibly worse is when his WW continues to protect the OM showing more of a loyalty than to her own BH.

God Bless
Gamma

"Possibly worse is when his WW continues to protect the OM showing more of a loyalty than to her own BH."

I'd put this in the column of DEFINITELY worse. This would make me irate.

Not sure where you are going with this. Where do you see anything that would lead you to say this?

Yes, gamma is not even grasping at air. Maybe attempting nitrogen, 79% air, yet still not grasping anything his hand can hold onto. Her OM got away? OM got caught and confronted by the BH. WW left the job so there would be NC. Not much more can happen.

OM do not have to have their BS divorce them, their kids despise them, their dog bite them or even get fired from their job for the BH to recover.

Revenge is not a requirement for recovery. To get behind the wheel of the karma 18 wheeler and run over the OM. Stop, Backup. Then keep repeating until the fuel tank is empty will make the BH feel better. Though it is not needed for recovery. Though I am sure most BH will tired of shifting and working the clutch going repeatedly from first and reverse before the truck runs out of gas and just stop and get out of the cab.

The OM was married. He was exposed to both his wife and his work. But he faced no consequences. He still has the same position of leadership at his job and he's still married. Life goes on like nothing ever happened for him.

I know this has always bothered my husband and obviously bothered me as well. We have had to go through hell because of what I did, while the OM just goes on like nothing happened.

What about your B/FWH's affair? Who was his exposed to? Who was your affair exposed to? Sorry if I missed those, but I don't recall reading those points.

Also, will your BH come here and post?

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