I am not so sure about not being interested in the past. After all, "Those who ignore the past are doomed to repeat it." As for having NO responsibility, my spouse told me about a year ago, that if someone is not being fed at your restaurant, and they tell you repeatedly that they are hungry, and do it in no uncertain terms, as mine did, and all I did in return was not feed their emotional needs, rather I lied and SAID I would change (and if I am honest, I really saw no reason to change anything, as I was happy, and wrongly dismissed their requests as mere minor complaints), then I think that I did indeed have quite a high degree of culpability. This is an actions program, which is essential, and I did indeed take actions (lied, and was dismissive as usual, which I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON NON STOP, and have improved 10 fold my S has notice and told me, which felt GREAT to hear!), and while my situation maybe different in some ways from most, when I have accepted my role in the mess I made, fear did not enter into it, no more so than obligation or guilt entered into it from my WS point of view....Or so I hope! Do you ever TRULY know though?
Sorry for ending on a question, as it is clearly bad form, but it is also the nagging and underlying questipn I think we all feel. Or am I the only one who wonders? PLEASE tell me I am not.

Hi JBD, I started a thread for you. Please don't disrupt other poster's threads by debating.

My sincerest apologies. I was trying to state that in my post, but did it very poorly. I have always tried to bite my tongue when I read something that sounds familiar, because as I said, I do not have the training or ability with words to do it in the proper way sometimes. I am sorry for my "hi-jacking" the thread if that was what I did. PLEASE ERASE THIS THREAD, as it doesnt warrant discussion. It would not serve to help anyone, except as a lesson of what NOT to do. Again, I am sorry if I wasnt helpful.

if they Mod's did not want this thread they would of not started it.

LOL. Thanks, Mr. ROAD! I do appreciate it, but it really isnt neccisary. Maybe as a cautionary tale, I suppose. I will spare everyone the boring details, the attacks that would have to be made at me (as in, "You did WHAT?!?"), and other now obvious mistakes, and the embarrasment of my actions, both before and since my "issues" took place. Suffice to say, that IF you are looking for advice and need a plan to deal with these situations, it helps to have the idea that you NEED help, BEFORE you react, and not, I repeat, NOT after you have reacted, as it is 100X easier to follow a plan, then it is to fix a plan as you go along.
So to all those who read this, PLEASE believe what I have said, that is an echo of what others have said, and THINK AND PLAN YOUR MOVES BEFORE MAKING THEM! I am well past the age that spur of the moment emotional responses should have made me make so many mistakes, but to my surprise, I am not.