guide and advice is needed. - Marriage Builders® Forums

hi.

im a husband and marry my wife 5 year ago.we both 31 years old and still yet to have baby.im now dealing with my broken heart after find out that my wife sleep with my own best friend! all happen in very short of time and got reasonable reason that my wife move out for about 1 month early this year.after few argument. the day she left make me hopeless. i keep texting and begging her to come back home. its my fault for trusting my wife 100%. long story shorted, now my wife is back with me. after i reveal the affair in her facebook timeline. im not perfect and i do know my previous mistake to my wife. im also blame myself.
None off my best friend knew my problem. only my father, and mother and those who read this post here. now it past 3 month since the day. im trying very hard to live life like before but it never feel same. my wife had admit mistakes and regrets. how to heal? im still love my wife like before. but what had happen has change everything. and thanks i read a lot form this forum. it realy make my world change..

Lary,

I am very sorry for you. This must be a hard time.
You have to make a decision if you want to stay married or if you want to divorce and make a life without her and marry someone who did not cheat.

If you want to stay married to you she (and you) should follow very strict rules (extraordinary precautions) to be sure this never happens again and you should make the marriage better than before.

The affair is not your fault. She is married and should stay away from other men. You can of course be a better husband than you were, but that does not justify an affair.

Hi Larry, it is a good thing that you exposed the affair, but did you expose it to everyone? Has all contact ended with her affair partner? I would get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

thanks for the advice. is there any story couple who suffer infidelity survive? this broken heart feeling make me sick. now evryday i start my early morning with sad feeling. if there have option before what had happen to me now, i will join war zone and die honourable rather than face this situation.

Lary, you can survive this and have a great marriage if you will follow this program. But you have to follow the program. Did you read my post?

thanks melodylane. yes i have read all your post also all info here. i try to follow and hope that i can accept this. i do not want to end my marriage.

Did you expose the affair to everyone?
Is she still in contact with the man?

Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight

Did you expose the affair to everyone?
Is she still in contact with the man?

yes i expose at facebook with help from my wife lover spouse and family give infomation. im dumb becouse dont believe what they said about my wife. until i found it by myself. no they had no contact anymore. now i have full access to facebook acc, email, phone but i think what i have now already late. all had happen.

may i know what om,bs,op, etc stand for?
im new here.

Originally Posted by Lary

may i know what om,bs,op, etc stand for?
im new here.

There is a guide to the most commonly used abbreviations located in one of the upper forum sections.

OM = Other Man

BS = Betrayed Spouse

OP = ? Other Person or Original Poster

POSOM = Piece Of Sh*t Other Man

Wifes Lovers Spouse = Other Mans Betrayed Spouse = OMBS

LTL

Originally Posted by Lary

Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight

Did you expose the affair to everyone?
Is she still in contact with the man?

yes i expose at facebook with help from my wife lover spouse and family give infomation. im dumb becouse dont believe what they said about my wife. until i found it by myself. no they had no contact anymore. now i have full access to facebook acc, email, phone but i think what i have now already late. all had happen.

Many cheating spouses know all sorts of tricks to hide how they remain in contact.

Has you WW, (Wayward Wife), sent out a NC Letter, (No Contact Letter), to the POSOM, with your approval of the letter and following the format from the book, SAA, Surviving An Affair?

By the way, do you own and have you read the book, SAA, Surviving An Affair? It comtains ALL of the steps in breaking up an affair and the next steps to take.

If she still has the same cell phone number, or same e-mail address, or continues her existing FaceBook Account, there is NO WAY you could prevent further contact. ANY CONTACT AT ALL reignites the affair. It does you absolutely NO GOOD to "Possibly" find out about any contact after the fact. You MUST ensure to safeguard your marriage by eliminating ANY access potential from EVER occurring EVER again.

A hard point to get a newly BS, (Betrayed Spouse), to properly comprehend is that affairs are an Addiction. Just like any other addiction, all it takes is one more time to get totally involved all over again.

LTL

Originally Posted by MelodyLane

Hi Larry, it is a good thing that you exposed the affair, but did you expose it to everyone? Has all contact ended with her affair partner? I would get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

What has been done on this checklist so far?

LTL

Here is the list of the most common abbreviations and acronyms used ny posters on this site.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1984040#Post1984040

LTL

Originally Posted by LearnedTooLate

Originally Posted by MelodyLane

Hi Larry, it is a good thing that you exposed the affair, but did you expose it to everyone? Has all contact ended with her affair partner? I would get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.- my wife did tell me everything but not all expecially on their sex activity.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.- yes she promice me not to seeing again

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.- not done yet

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP: -

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse). done all but cell phone not change

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers). yes

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent). yes

_____Spend leisure time together.- done

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.- undone

_____Avoid overnight separation.- yes

_____Allow technical accountability.- yes

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.- all family member and friend both of us know this affair.

What has been done on this checklist so far?

LTL

Originally Posted by LearnedTooLate

Here is the list of the most common abbreviations and acronyms used ny posters on this site.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1984040#Post1984040

LTL

thanks sir

Originally Posted by LearnedTooLate

Originally Posted by Lary

Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight

Did you expose the affair to everyone?
Is she still in contact with the man?

yes i expose at facebook with help from my wife lover spouse and family give infomation. im dumb becouse dont believe what they said about my wife. until i found it by myself. no they had no contact anymore. now i have full access to facebook acc, email, phone but i think what i have now already late. all had happen.

Many cheating spouses know all sorts of tricks to hide how they remain in contact.

Has you WW, (Wayward Wife), sent out a NC Letter, (No Contact Letter), to the POSOM, with your approval of the letter and following the format from the book, SAA, Surviving An Affair?

By the way, do you own and have you read the book, SAA, Surviving An Affair? It comtains ALL of the steps in breaking up an affair and the next steps to take.

If she still has the same cell phone number, or same e-mail address, or continues her existing FaceBook Account, there is NO WAY you could prevent further contact. ANY CONTACT AT ALL reignites the affair. It does you absolutely NO GOOD to "Possibly" find out about any contact after the fact. You MUST ensure to safeguard your marriage by eliminating ANY access potential from EVER occurring EVER again.

A hard point to get a newly BS, (Betrayed Spouse), to properly comprehend is that affairs are an Addiction. Just like any other addiction, all it takes is one more time to get totally involved all over again.

LTL

About the letter i did not write yet. but i have make a police report towards the posom. i have no idea what to write on the letter. its already past 5 month since this happen. if i write this letter now would the letter remind them about their wrong doing and posible recreate the affair?

i have one issue now where my wife dont want to talk a words about how and why she sleep with that POSOM in motel.the worst part where my wife go to see the posom in motel for about 3 hours then return back to house to me and cook pretend nothing had happen. how dumb am i? i just want to know more form this part then other . then after that i can dicide.

Affairs are like an addiction. When a person of the opposite sex meets your emotional needs you are at risk to fall in love. When that happens, people change and do all kinds of dumb things. We call it "the fog". The OM probably met your wife's emotional needs and lured her to the motel. She was in love/in the fog and at the time she probably felt she married the wrong person and he was the right one.

At MB here, we tell people to never be friends with someone of the opposite sex. That way you cannot fall in love with someone else. We also tell people to have a great marriage and meet the emotional needs of the spouse so that you are in love.

You will have to have one last conversation with your wife where she answers all questions you want to know about the affair. After that, do not talk about it ever again. It will make you and your wife unhappy to talk about it and you will never stop thinking about it. The solution is: after the questions have been answered, never talk about the affair again and follow the program to have a very happy marriage.

If your wife does not want to follow the program, you will not have a happy marriage.

What has been done on the checklist from the Surviving An Affair book that Melody Lane referred you to?

LTL

Originally Posted by Lary

Originally Posted by LearnedTooLate

Originally Posted by MelodyLane

Hi Larry, it is a good thing that you exposed the affair, but did you expose it to everyone? Has all contact ended with her affair partner? I would get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.- my wife did tell me everything but not all expecially on their sex activity.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.- yes she promice me not to seeing again

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.- not done yet

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP: -

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse). done all but cell phone not change

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers). yes

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent). yes

_____Spend leisure time together.- done

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.- undone

_____Avoid overnight separation.- yes

_____Allow technical accountability.- yes

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.- all family member and friend both of us know this affair.

What has been done on this checklist so far?

LTL

Have you read the book, Surviving An Affair, written by Dr. Willard Harley?

LTL

Originally Posted by LearnedTooLate

Have you read the book, Surviving An Affair, written by Dr. Willard Harley?

LTL

not yet but i will read it. thanks

Originally Posted by happyheart

Affairs are like an addiction. When a person of the opposite sex meets your emotional needs you are at risk to fall in love. When that happens, people change and do all kinds of dumb things. We call it "the fog". The OM probably met your wife's emotional needs and lured her to the motel. She was in love/in the fog and at the time she probably felt she married the wrong person and he was the right one.

At MB here, we tell people to never be friends with someone of the opposite sex. That way you cannot fall in love with someone else. We also tell people to have a great marriage and meet the emotional needs of the spouse so that you are in love.

You will have to have one last conversation with your wife where she answers all questions you want to know about the affair. After that, do not talk about it ever again. It will make you and your wife unhappy to talk about it and you will never stop thinking about it. The solution is: after the questions have been answered, never talk about the affair again and follow the program to have a very happy marriage.

If your wife does not want to follow the program, you will not have a happy marriage.

after past few month i have not get full story about the affair and after i found this forum and get much infomation then i decide to ask my wife from the early of the affair.

i will follow the rule you say after i know the full story then i should not repeadly ask again. then follow the next step to recover. and i realy hope this will work.

thanks.

The best thing is to use the checklist that was posted to you, so you don't miss something important.

so after all had past 1 year since.

no way i can heal. try everything and the wife also trying very hard. trying to get thing back but the memory still coming. im looking for someone who can erase brain memory like formating a cpu. is that make sense?

It does make sense. I read an interesting article on emotional memory management by Joe Carver and it helped me a lot.

Your brain cannot process two memories at a time. So if you are reminded of 9-11, you can try to think of your favourite vacation and that thought will override 9-11.

A memory has two parts: information and emotion. About 90-120 seconds after information is recalled, emotion kicks in. If you find yourself thinking about your personal 9-11, within 90 seconds, think of your best memory and override the 9-11 thought. That way, you might be able to prevent the emotional part of the memory to do its harm.

Some people have a rubber band around their wrist and if they think of bad memories, they snap it. The physical act and the feeling on your skin distracts you, you are reminded to think of something else (you decide what you want to think of orwhat to do) the emotional part of the memory is not activated and you don't suffer as much pain.

I used to think the wrist band thing had to do with inflicting one sort of pain to replace emotional pain. After reading this article on emotional memory management, I understood my mistake. What it does, it prevents the emotion to resurface because you give your brain another task. So if you find yourself thinking of the past, within 90 seconds, do something to make your brain work on other things. Physical activity is also a good way to distract your brain.

I am not an expert on this and I recommend you do your own research on emotional memory management. If you understand how it works, you can in time learn to control the impact of your memories on your every day life.

I read your thread and would like to know about the checklist. Is everything checked off? The beauty of the checklist is it gives you directions on what to do, rather than sob in misery about what has happened to you. If you missed things, you will not be able to overcome your misery.

Surviving an affair gives you the plan and the tools to overcome those very emotions you are struggling with. If you follow the steps, you will be in a loving marriage and that is a huge part of recovering. If you sulk in the bad memories, you will not be able to get out of it and recover.

Have you read surviving an affair yet?

hi goody. thanks for the word.

yes i do all the checklist n also read the book.
just to be honest. i dont want to lie to my self. take vacation, spend more time together, always ring for each other. all done but still haunted me. i do forgive. sometime letting go is far more good than choosing to stay. i still believe this can be saved. to fake a happyness on my daily life is waste my time. its been a year.

that why im looking for someone who can format a brain.
and i know. there are no such person in this world..

Originally Posted by Lary

i do forgive.

Why and how did you forgive? Did you receive just compensation? From this remark, I conclude you haven't read or implemented important parts of the plan.
Read this:
www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

I hope BrainHurts has an audio fragment ready, listening to radio clips often transfers info better than reading lots of text.

Did you listen to yesterday's show? It is very pertinent to your situation. It is still streaming until noon.

Please listen to the radio clips in here.
What is Just Compensation?