Wife cheated, OM might be trouble - 09/01/15 10:14 AM
I'm new here and need advice and figured this might be the right place. This post is going to be long, while some of this seems pretty text book other parts are not.
A little background: my wife and I have been together for 8 years, living together for 5 of those years and married for 2. Like a lot of people in my situation, I had always believed that there was no way my wife could ever cheat, that it just wasn't in her character to do so. Our relationship had always been a very loving one; and although routine had begun to set in and life wasn't as exciting as it was in those early years, we still cared for each other very much and both of us seemed to be happy at home.
In recent months my wife had shown a lot more interest in going out on the weekend drinking then I had, so I didn't always go out with her. She was always with mutual friends who I trusted and I figured it was healthy to allow each other to have space (I know now this was a mistake!), but she started returning from these nights out later and later and while I didn't think she was being unfaithful, I was starting to feel hurt that she'd rather spend time out without me than time at home with me. I told myself that I was just being jealous, and that letting her live her own life was good for our marriage, so I held my peace. Then even more recently, even when we were both out together, if I wanted to go home earlier than she did she would come home with me and then drive back out. She would do this even if she had been drinking, and whenever I told her I didn't want her to be drink driving she would just insist that she was fine to drive. Even though I my wife's behaviour was hurting me, we still had a happy home life and I wasn't jealous. That all changed about 2 or 3 weeks ago.
My wife abruptly became more distant from me at home. She would go straight to the other side of the bed while we were sleeping, even though she usually loves to snuggle up (and it's currently winter where we live, so cuddles are always appreciated!). Conversation just seemed somehow colder, less affectionate than before. On the surface it doesn't sound like much, but her change in behaviour was setting off alarm bells in my head and I began to suspect that she was seeing someone else.
Over the weekend, we went out to watch a very good mutual friend's band play (this mutual friend is not the OM, but he is important to the rest of my story, so I will refer to him as MF). I noticed that both my wife and another guy, who was a friend of ours but not a particularly close one, were acting strangely. They both disappeared at one point in the night and MF asked me where she was, I said I didn't know, then he asked me if I'd seen OM. MF went to look for OM and I went to look for my wife, and a few minutes later I found them sitting next to each other with MF standing in front of them. I said "hi" to my wife and she only grunted in response. Almost immediately both AM and my wife made excuses to go back inside. Later I was standing outside with my wife and some other friends, when OM walked out, saw us and immediately turned around and walked back inside. My wife followed shortly after. One of the other people commented "He's acting really weird tonight". I shrugged and then excused myself and followed them inside. They were sitting at a table together with her hand resting on his, when I joined them she kept it there for a while and then pulled it away quickly, as if she didn't even realise it was there at first.
Then all of a sudden OM flips over the table and tries to start a fight with a stranger. My heart pounding, I took my wife by the arm and walked her out of the venue. When we were on the street I asked what was going on and why everyone was acting weird, and she confessed she had been having an affair with OM for the past 2-3 weeks. Naturally, I was shocked and angry, and asked the usual questions: how could she do this? what was she thinking? what did I do to drive her to another man? She said she didn't know, that I hadn't done anything and she loves me but she was just enjoying being out without me so much and it happened. Then she said she loves him too, and that she isn't sure if she wants to be married anymore, and you can imagine how that felt. She said maybe she should move in with her parents for a while to figure things out, and I said "if you don't want to be married what's there to figure out?"
We went home and she filled in the details I wanted to know. She insisted there hadn't been anyone else besides the OM, they hadn't actually had sex (although I don't doubt it would have gotten that far eventually if I hadn't found out) and she told me what happened the night they got together. Then she gave me her phone and let me read her messages. The sheer number of messages they had exchanged sickened me to my stomach, I couldn't even get through them all!
I went to bed and she stayed out on the couch. I spent a sleepless night wondering how the hell we got to this point and what was I going to do now? I just couldn't think of anyway my life could be happy again. hours passed and my anger subsided, and despite how hurt and betrayed I felt I realised I didn't hate my wife. In fact I still loved her. Then I asked myself what kind of a person I would be if I gave up so easily on someone who I had vowed to be with, protect and support forever; who I had told thousands of times that I loved her and meant it every time. So I went out to her and told her that when I said we should just get divorced I was speaking out of anger, and that I was willing to try to reconcile if she was. She said she needed to think about it.
My wife went out to do the food shopping the next day, and I spent most of the afternoon looking for advice on the internet and found MB. Alot of the articles seemed to make sense to my situation, and I felt prepared to discuss things calmly and honestly with my wife when she got home. We came to an agreement that she live with her parents for a while to "think about everything" (I told her I didn't think this was a good idea and that we couldn't work on our problems if we were apart but she wouldn't budge on this one). I told her that if she decided to reconcile it would be absolutely necessary that the first thing she would do is end all contact with OM immediately (using the method reccomended on this website), and she agreed that would be the first step if we reconcile. I also requested that she would not see OM while she was "making up her mind", and she looked me in the eye and promised that she wouldn't. I believe she was being sincere (that doesn't mean I'm naive enough to think it's impossible that she will break it). We also agreed to meet for lunch this Saturday.
Now to the part where things get complicated. I turned to the mutual friend (MF) that I mentioned earlier for support. He told me that OM, who had been his best friend for 15 years, had confessed the affair to him earlier in the evening of the night I found out about it. In no uncertain terms, MF told him that he was disgusted, and that their friendship could no longer continue after this. OM couldn't even see what he had done wrong! He then told me more about OM's history.
OM is 31 years old, unemployed and lives with his parents. He has been on antidepressant medication since his mid-teens. The reason why MF broke off their friendship is that he had seen OM repeat a pattern with every woman he had ever been with. He would look for covert ways to be close to a woman he was interested in but barely knew right from the start. Then he would start telling her all the things she would want to hear, and then when a relationship starts he would use his depression as an excuse for mistreating her and emotionally blackmail her if she ever tried to leave. MF said he was most certainly repeating this pattern with my wife, and he didn't want to see two his good friends get hurt because of OM's selfishness. OM doesn't really have any other friends, because his behaviour in the past has driven them all away. In fact, he has even contacted MF and said that if MF stops being his friend he will have no one, as my wife is no longer speaking to him. I was already concerned about the safety of my wife and myself after OM's outburst, but after hearing this character assesment (from a friend of his no less!) I am worried that if we do try to reconcile he will make problems, and if we don't and she leaves me for him he will end up hurting her. I know I can't hope to be objective about the OM but it seems that at best he's self-centred and irresponsible, and at worst he's a sociopath (I have been friends with a sociopath before and noticed many of the same behavioural patterns).
So while I am here for general advice, I have one question in particular regarding exposure. Having read about exposure on this site I can see the sense in it, and I am definitely going to contact my in-laws (we get on very well) and my wife's best friends. But I don't know what to do about OM. It sounds like most his friends long abandoned him (and those few he had left were present that night and it has already been exposed to them) but what of his parents? While I could possibly get their contact details through MF (this would be the only way, he has unfriended me on facebook so I cannot see his contact list), I'm worried if I expose to his family he may act unpredictably and violently, potentially harming my wife, myself, or himself.
I think the fog might be lifting for my wife (his outburst and texts from MF telling her about OM's history may have helped with this). I sent her an article from MB and she told me the next evening that she has been reading a lot of articles on the site. We are keeping in regular contact through text, and although OM might have been lying to get MF to remain his friend, it sounds like for now at least she has stopped contact with him (and she hasn't even told me she has done this herself). I really want this marriage to have the absolute best chance of survival, so if anyone has any advice for dealing with a potentially dangerous OM I would appreciate it.
A little background: my wife and I have been together for 8 years, living together for 5 of those years and married for 2. Like a lot of people in my situation, I had always believed that there was no way my wife could ever cheat, that it just wasn't in her character to do so. Our relationship had always been a very loving one; and although routine had begun to set in and life wasn't as exciting as it was in those early years, we still cared for each other very much and both of us seemed to be happy at home.
In recent months my wife had shown a lot more interest in going out on the weekend drinking then I had, so I didn't always go out with her. She was always with mutual friends who I trusted and I figured it was healthy to allow each other to have space (I know now this was a mistake!), but she started returning from these nights out later and later and while I didn't think she was being unfaithful, I was starting to feel hurt that she'd rather spend time out without me than time at home with me. I told myself that I was just being jealous, and that letting her live her own life was good for our marriage, so I held my peace. Then even more recently, even when we were both out together, if I wanted to go home earlier than she did she would come home with me and then drive back out. She would do this even if she had been drinking, and whenever I told her I didn't want her to be drink driving she would just insist that she was fine to drive. Even though I my wife's behaviour was hurting me, we still had a happy home life and I wasn't jealous. That all changed about 2 or 3 weeks ago.
My wife abruptly became more distant from me at home. She would go straight to the other side of the bed while we were sleeping, even though she usually loves to snuggle up (and it's currently winter where we live, so cuddles are always appreciated!). Conversation just seemed somehow colder, less affectionate than before. On the surface it doesn't sound like much, but her change in behaviour was setting off alarm bells in my head and I began to suspect that she was seeing someone else.
Over the weekend, we went out to watch a very good mutual friend's band play (this mutual friend is not the OM, but he is important to the rest of my story, so I will refer to him as MF). I noticed that both my wife and another guy, who was a friend of ours but not a particularly close one, were acting strangely. They both disappeared at one point in the night and MF asked me where she was, I said I didn't know, then he asked me if I'd seen OM. MF went to look for OM and I went to look for my wife, and a few minutes later I found them sitting next to each other with MF standing in front of them. I said "hi" to my wife and she only grunted in response. Almost immediately both AM and my wife made excuses to go back inside. Later I was standing outside with my wife and some other friends, when OM walked out, saw us and immediately turned around and walked back inside. My wife followed shortly after. One of the other people commented "He's acting really weird tonight". I shrugged and then excused myself and followed them inside. They were sitting at a table together with her hand resting on his, when I joined them she kept it there for a while and then pulled it away quickly, as if she didn't even realise it was there at first.
Then all of a sudden OM flips over the table and tries to start a fight with a stranger. My heart pounding, I took my wife by the arm and walked her out of the venue. When we were on the street I asked what was going on and why everyone was acting weird, and she confessed she had been having an affair with OM for the past 2-3 weeks. Naturally, I was shocked and angry, and asked the usual questions: how could she do this? what was she thinking? what did I do to drive her to another man? She said she didn't know, that I hadn't done anything and she loves me but she was just enjoying being out without me so much and it happened. Then she said she loves him too, and that she isn't sure if she wants to be married anymore, and you can imagine how that felt. She said maybe she should move in with her parents for a while to figure things out, and I said "if you don't want to be married what's there to figure out?"
We went home and she filled in the details I wanted to know. She insisted there hadn't been anyone else besides the OM, they hadn't actually had sex (although I don't doubt it would have gotten that far eventually if I hadn't found out) and she told me what happened the night they got together. Then she gave me her phone and let me read her messages. The sheer number of messages they had exchanged sickened me to my stomach, I couldn't even get through them all!
I went to bed and she stayed out on the couch. I spent a sleepless night wondering how the hell we got to this point and what was I going to do now? I just couldn't think of anyway my life could be happy again. hours passed and my anger subsided, and despite how hurt and betrayed I felt I realised I didn't hate my wife. In fact I still loved her. Then I asked myself what kind of a person I would be if I gave up so easily on someone who I had vowed to be with, protect and support forever; who I had told thousands of times that I loved her and meant it every time. So I went out to her and told her that when I said we should just get divorced I was speaking out of anger, and that I was willing to try to reconcile if she was. She said she needed to think about it.
My wife went out to do the food shopping the next day, and I spent most of the afternoon looking for advice on the internet and found MB. Alot of the articles seemed to make sense to my situation, and I felt prepared to discuss things calmly and honestly with my wife when she got home. We came to an agreement that she live with her parents for a while to "think about everything" (I told her I didn't think this was a good idea and that we couldn't work on our problems if we were apart but she wouldn't budge on this one). I told her that if she decided to reconcile it would be absolutely necessary that the first thing she would do is end all contact with OM immediately (using the method reccomended on this website), and she agreed that would be the first step if we reconcile. I also requested that she would not see OM while she was "making up her mind", and she looked me in the eye and promised that she wouldn't. I believe she was being sincere (that doesn't mean I'm naive enough to think it's impossible that she will break it). We also agreed to meet for lunch this Saturday.
Now to the part where things get complicated. I turned to the mutual friend (MF) that I mentioned earlier for support. He told me that OM, who had been his best friend for 15 years, had confessed the affair to him earlier in the evening of the night I found out about it. In no uncertain terms, MF told him that he was disgusted, and that their friendship could no longer continue after this. OM couldn't even see what he had done wrong! He then told me more about OM's history.
OM is 31 years old, unemployed and lives with his parents. He has been on antidepressant medication since his mid-teens. The reason why MF broke off their friendship is that he had seen OM repeat a pattern with every woman he had ever been with. He would look for covert ways to be close to a woman he was interested in but barely knew right from the start. Then he would start telling her all the things she would want to hear, and then when a relationship starts he would use his depression as an excuse for mistreating her and emotionally blackmail her if she ever tried to leave. MF said he was most certainly repeating this pattern with my wife, and he didn't want to see two his good friends get hurt because of OM's selfishness. OM doesn't really have any other friends, because his behaviour in the past has driven them all away. In fact, he has even contacted MF and said that if MF stops being his friend he will have no one, as my wife is no longer speaking to him. I was already concerned about the safety of my wife and myself after OM's outburst, but after hearing this character assesment (from a friend of his no less!) I am worried that if we do try to reconcile he will make problems, and if we don't and she leaves me for him he will end up hurting her. I know I can't hope to be objective about the OM but it seems that at best he's self-centred and irresponsible, and at worst he's a sociopath (I have been friends with a sociopath before and noticed many of the same behavioural patterns).
So while I am here for general advice, I have one question in particular regarding exposure. Having read about exposure on this site I can see the sense in it, and I am definitely going to contact my in-laws (we get on very well) and my wife's best friends. But I don't know what to do about OM. It sounds like most his friends long abandoned him (and those few he had left were present that night and it has already been exposed to them) but what of his parents? While I could possibly get their contact details through MF (this would be the only way, he has unfriended me on facebook so I cannot see his contact list), I'm worried if I expose to his family he may act unpredictably and violently, potentially harming my wife, myself, or himself.
I think the fog might be lifting for my wife (his outburst and texts from MF telling her about OM's history may have helped with this). I sent her an article from MB and she told me the next evening that she has been reading a lot of articles on the site. We are keeping in regular contact through text, and although OM might have been lying to get MF to remain his friend, it sounds like for now at least she has stopped contact with him (and she hasn't even told me she has done this herself). I really want this marriage to have the absolute best chance of survival, so if anyone has any advice for dealing with a potentially dangerous OM I would appreciate it.