Hi from Europe. Love MB - found it only recently, probably too late for my marriage? Studied intensively, got SAA. Coming on forum with some delay, too, as failed to notice reg. response from MB gone into spam.

Married younger WH after long relationship during which he had short affairs when I became pregnant. WH - more affairs during pregnancy and long marriage which became sexually dysfunctional after birth of DS. Love and caring for one another kept us going, but many important ENs failed to be met, both got depressed due to stresses in M, family and work pressures (what came befor M, divided, WH 'workaholic')

After separating for several yrs - catalyst WH's major affair, we reconciled but never recovered along MB principles. Reading Dr H's 'preparing for M/choosing M partner, it's clear there are significant incompatibilities, i. e. not sharing religious values.

WH now in long and entrenched affair - reportedly premeditated 'as exit' affair for soft landing; for many months I had misinterpreted the signs after WH started Course of AD & individual counselling. Got AEvidence couple months ago - ID of OW took some more time to establish - has children but no husband/partner. When I had IDed OW, I exposed to WH and demanded ending of affair. Resulted in Selective transparency, no more OW meetings but contact continued, WH being unwilling to talk or make time for M, then the A resumed very recently.

Have not exposed after DD, alas - having found MB only recently. My family and a few friends know. Complex family legal situation - ties WH to martial home by owned by employer and WH is sole earner; I have found D lawyer and taken advice.

WH unwilling to end A, or leave job. WH has access to alternative temp accommodation and but still in marital home wishing for us to resolve the practical issues of separation together. I am on AD & would prefer to recover according to MB principles but WH not motivated to stay in M.
___________________
BS 62
WH 52
DS 23 (student overseas)

You need to expose the affair to family and friends.

Hi Roma, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Dr. Harley would suggest that you separate immediately and go into Plan B. Are you familiar with Plan B?

Thank you Jedi, thank you Melody. It's really great to hear from you! I'm only sorry it's so very late in the day that I found MB and I am only just learning to find the most relevant threads and my way around here.

I have SAA, so template for Plan B. I agree with Melody, I need this for health and sanity. Working on Plan B, have legal advice and I am also preparing my Exp letters, all while battling a health issue which has set me back and is still a hindrance.

As for Action now: ?

Expose and Plan B? or just Plan B? if both, what would be the right sequence of doing things?

Very grateful for you all on this Forum.
God bless you. R

You need to expose and plan A first. You need a good plan A for when you switch to plan B for B to effective.

Her husband is a serial cheater though. This has been going on for years.
At this point, health comes first so Harley would probably encourage her to separate.

You can separate , enter plan B and then expose.

I agree it is a good idea to separate and then expose his affair.

Thank you guys, you are the best! now to work......

Separated. Preparing Plan B and exposure. Is it possible to send Melody a private message? I would greatly appreciate her advice on plan/timing etc.

Hi Roma, good job on separating! I can help you here with timing, etc. So can the others. Sometimes I may not be online for a long time so it is better to post here and get help from everyone.

Dear Melody, Thank you. I am grateful. I feel you really grasp my sitch, I fear being too explicit here as I live in a close knit community and I have recommended this site to members of it before considering posting myself.

The relief on separation is amazing! The A is long and v entrenched - I was fooled to think WH was ill for a long time! However, by his own admission he decided to wreck the M and trawl for As before he met the current OW; he never totally committed to M and therefore felt entitled to stray (serial offender) before and during M.

WH stands to gain a lot from current OW and she is very needy.
With DS now an adult, I feel D is probably best for me, my health and sanity.

DD was a few months ago, but with experienced WH keeping it all water tight, it took a very long time to get evidence, alas I also found MB very very late in the day for advice on tools and a plan.

The prolonged agony has been very detrimental, my health is significantly affected. My ADs now are a great help.

Where I am at right now:

separated but not yet gone dark in Plan B , coz:

Lawyer on holiday.
To guarantuee financials and security I need to at least launch D proceedings and get legal financial arrangements in place.

Not yet physically able expose to DS who is owed the truth the most.

On moving out of family home WH had to expose to employers. I have evidence that they have got fully behind the APs, consider them a great match. OW is their friend and part of their social network.

Gather from evidence that OW and WH plan a life together - M? (=Affairage!)

Have exposed to my family and close few friends - great support.

Have been hanging fire to expose to OW's side and WH's side because I am physicall unable to reach DS for a few days yet, in order to expose to him- no trickle!

I dont want DS to find out from a 3rd party. He needs to hear this, face to face, in person.

My lawyer will be back before DS, though.

Have yet to find IM - :

CALLING INDIE!!!! are you out there? Please come in! we have been bitten by the same nasty insect! Indie lives on same island, 'gets' the culture here and would be just perfect! if she wanted to help? i'd be eternally grateful. :-)

Q : as D seems unavoidable, do I still expose to OW f & fs?

I love the idea of radical truth - if only for my and DS' sake - but the local clique will stick together and side with the APs, as their own, as already demonstrated above, I'll probably only look desparate in their eyes, but who cares? all I mean to do is set the facts out straight before WH does his own spin on everyone and then get on with the rest of my life, move away from here as soon as I can.

A plan is in place for WH and I to expose to DS together as soon as we can all meet.

I had intended for my outstanding exposure to hit at the same time as the planned meeting, THEN go dark.

BUT I now wonder if I should try get to DS on my own, BEFORE the planned get-to-gether with him and WH, time the outstanding exposure to co-incide with MY exposure to DS - which will be unexpected as WH is expecting me to fall in with the planned meeting and those who are already in the know have vowed to keep stumm until DS knows.

I am so grateful for your support and experience and look forward to hearing your thoughts and advice

R

What you can do for now is send him a Plan B letter telling him that you expect him to continue paying the bills. Find an IM and get that part going. Then when your attorney comes back, he can file formal legal arrangements.


Call him today and tell him the full truth. This shouldn't be dragged out.


*YOU* need to tell them yourself. All they have been told are the lies of your husband. "me and Highnoon decided to call it quits. Our marriage has ended and in the meantime, I am developing a relationship with OW to soothe my wounded soul."

Tell them YOURSELF!!


Awesome!! Hopefully they are reaching out to your husband and giving him their thoughts. If not, at least you have their support.


Launch the nuke now!!!



Tell him today over the phone.


Are you trying to find one?


Expose to them today. Exposure has nothing to do with divorce.


Some people will and some people won't. If they are only told lies by the infidels they will side with the cheaters. This is why the truth must be told.

If I were you, I would plan on MOVING away.


Leave your H out of it and call your son TODAY.


Break the plan with your husband, call your son and get your exposures DONE. Your husband should have NO PART in your exposures and he should certainly not be told in advance!!

Thank you so much Melody. I trust your advice, it helps me see clearly where my thinking was 'off-plan' and shows me how I could proceed according to my time scale and our particular circumstances.

Phoning DS not possible at the mo, and we are all 3 in different countries.

Am very weary, battling stress and health issue, this makes me slow.

Lawyer back before long, will consult (have written already) as soon as back at work, and take action there accordingly. Was strongly advised by lawyer to stay in marital home as in stronger position during 'process' and my plan is to move away as soon as I have secured my legal/fin. position. I know what I am up against and need the protection of the Law.

IM : been working on it past 2 weeks, candidates thin on the ground, a trusted friend may be willing but in my judgement prob. not mature/stable enough to stick to MB rules. Could not reach today, but will have another conv asap.

It's for above reasons, and with time pressing that I was hoping perhaps some Vet on the Forum may wish to help?

Could quietly get my ducks in a row - exp lists and letters prepped, lock etc., while appearing to go along with WH's plan which already - conveniently - has me arriving long before WH. I could expose to DS MYSELF and then be off before WH's arrival, to set the outstanding nukes to go off back home. Not out of 'revenge', just to stand up for myself and set the record straight.

Whether the lovers are meant for one another, or their bubble bursts some day - I deserve better than I had and am taking up the challenge to build a new life for myself now.

Legal writs, Plan B letter, and o/s nukes & NC/going dark could be delivered in one go as soon as WH is back at work (from Exp to DS ); actually NC starts as soon as I exposed to DS and am off the scene while WH is around; I'm planning to stay away fr 'home' for a while in a place where I can be supported, during the fall out....(but for this I need to secure legally my return into the M home first, before I travel to mtg with DS.)

What do you think?

R

.
PS - how do you pick up the quotes and put into boxes. Am on a tablet....

Roma, I would not make this so complicated. Just stay home and expose the affair to everybody else. You don't need to leave your home. If your attorney told you stay in the home, then just don't leave. I agree you shouldn't leave.

Is there a reason you can't just call your son today and tell him?

attorney meant dont move out of Mhome to another address. also advised WH and I meet DS together to tell about M sitch. WH cant lie in my presence. DS living overseas. telecoms contact too unreliable for such important conv.

I understand that. But you don't need to move out or leave so I don't understand why this would be an issue.


Dr Harley would advise that you do not tell him with your husband. He is a clinical psychologist who has specialized in infidelity for 40 years. It is a bad idea all around. There is absolutely no valid reason to expose to your child with your husband.


I don't understand. Telling him by phone is just fine.

would this be the correct sequence: go dark in plan B, then expose? no IM yet.

You can expose now and then prepare for Plan B.

we crossed. thanks for passing on DrHs advice. DS doesnt phone, contact is via internet but patchy.

What about email?

Thank you, I hear what you say: expose , then PlanB. I would need to feel safe in PlanB to expose further. It's truly sunk in that WH only cares about himself and his interests. Fighting my corner pretty much on my own, I need the attorney onisde so I dont dig a hole for myself.

email a possibility - a very blunt instrument, though!

Feel safe in what way?

Use Skype. If you do not already have this set up, do it now. Email him your Skype handle so that he can set you up as a contact. Tell him you have an important matter to discuss with him. When I told my adult children, they were incredibly grateful. This information will be an enormous relief for him. Children always know when there is something wrong.

Thank you all! You can hardly imagine what a help your support has been.

IM - sorted and 'being trained'😊

Hi, I did say above IM is being trained, but now I cannot find the link to :

IM training school

If somebody could help and post a link, I would be grateful

Many thanks!

here you go! http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2264548#Post2264548

Thank you for the link, Mel. Mission accomplished!

I have a question re your Exposure 101: it says there: call OW parents - does that mean that one should not write?

Thank you for clarification.

R

You can call or write, whichever is best for your situation.

Thank you Melody, also for the invaluable advice re exposing to DS which I have taken.

What did your DS say?

Thanks BH, it went very well :-)
I am SO GLAD I followed Melody's advice on this, it made perfect sense to me and I was relieved to be guided to this on my own.
DS wants to exp. to own friends, before they hear on the grapevine, has started already.

Status Quo:

Separated

IM in place

Exp'd to: Clergy, doctor, OW family, my family, my friends, local acquaintance

Still to do:

finish Exps. to : WH family, neighbours, more local friends and acquaintances

Plan B letter & going dark

Get legal process rolling - appt is fixed for this

My question to the Vets: What is the best sequence/timing for the above to-do list, please?

a) finish exps., then coinicide going dark with legal appt.

or?

B) coincide rest of exp. with Plan B letter & going dark through IM,
which would protect me from fallout from WH/OW when exp.targets start to respond?

Many thanks for your precious advice. You guys are the best!
Also, when would I need to move this thread to the D forum?

R

You should finish your exposures ASAP, go into Plan B as soon as you are ready, and attend your legal appointment at first opportunity but independently of the timing of either your exposures or Plan B.

If and when to move your thread is something to take up with the moderators.

MrEureka is correct, finish up your exposures asap and then go into Plan B when you have your IM lined up. You don't have to wait for a legal separation to go into Plan B.

The exposures should not take more than 6-8 hours to complete them all and then you are ready for next steps.

Thank you Melody.

Exps. done not long after you last wrote -..... four days later: no "fallout" (yet?) - that I am aware of.

Feedback I had sofar: Much expressing of concern for me and sadness over the marriage breaking down, touching reassurances my own relationship with certain persons "won't be affected by it".

Over here, an affair is seen very much as symptom, rather than a cause in a failing marriage and the whole situation is widely regarded as a purely private matter that one should neither judge, nor get involved in. People accept it as a fact, and while they may be surprised to hear the news, they are not shocked by it; after all it's so commonplace.

WH's family - though some may - personally, be less than impressed with his developing a new relationship instead of addressing marriage issues first, will probably keep this to themselves and will certainly support him regardless (...."well, it obviously wasn't working....so it's for the best").

Whilst I am happy to have put the truth about the affair 'on record' with everyone, I guess this won't affect the inevitable outcome : a D.

My priorities now are getting my affairs in order legally and to move away and make a new life for myself.

Your advice is really excellent, always 'spot on' and I am grateful for it;
Anyone reading this thread, please do listen to and act fast on Melody's expert advice! Alas, I fear my M may have long been beyond remedy and I have certainly found MB - IMHO the best and only accurate 'diagnosis' and 'cure' out there - years? too late to save my M (that's if a M with a serial adulterer ever COULD be saved....)

R

Good job on exposure, Roma! I did not expect it would change anything in your marriage, however, it is always a good thing to get the truth out there. That way your husband cannot spin it to his favor.


This is the prevailing perspective in a America too. A large part of our culture likes to blame the victim like some people will always blame the rape victim for getting herself raped. Some people are crapwits and that is just an expectation. Even so, exposing the affair, even to enablers and fools, makes the adultery much less fun.

Thank you for your comments Melody, I am grateful for them, they're good to hear.

Plan B letter would now be my next step....however, I am feeling diffident about the latter bit about : absolutely ending the A, EPs and WH ENTHUSIASTICally joining me in a plan to restore our relationship.......as this seems quite unrealistic in my sitch and we have already separated.

I have the IM in place, however, and NC would be so good for my health and sanity, so I am very keen on that! (tho' there will probably be legal meetings with WH in attorney's office)

I am not sure up to 2 yrs in Plan B is a realistic option for me?

Would you advise me now to write the 'full' Plan B letter, anyway?

Many thanks again, for your thoughts.

R

I agree with your thinking, because your goal is not to reconcile. I would move forward with your life and just send him a modified letter telling him that all communication should be passed through your intermediary.

Thank you again, Melody for sharing your thoughts, it's such a support to hear the sane opinion of someone who really understands the problem :-)
R

PS I do wish we could reconcile, but WH not on same page, alas!