Hi

New to MB but have read lots on the site. A month ago my husband left us (on my birthday, I might add) and I've suspected a large factor is an emotional affair (I suspect the most physical involvement is a kiss out two but not sure) co-worker. After snooping I've confirmed my suspicions of the engineering involvement.

I immediately informed my spouse and his lover of my discovery and gave them two days to come forward to the lover's husband as I would be contacting him myself that day.

I've been told that the lover's husband has been contacted and that they have committed to no longer texting or ride sharing. But they work together...

At this point my husband is definitely in withdrawal and has been for some time. He has been resentful of me and even called me "emotionally abusive." I've recognized that I engaged in many love busters, mostly criticism... He has moved in with his mom and is just living it up with old friends, drinking and partying (he's never had a drink in his life before he left).

He is very angry at me for exposing things (just happened last night). I fear I have ruined my chances of getting his forgiveness and working on reconciliation. I'm just terrified I did the wrong thing.

Unfortunately you have but you can very quickly fix it by informing the other spouse (who definitely does not know) all your friends and all three families. Get her Facebook friends names asap before she blocks you.


Tipping your hand means you should move quickly as you've warned them to lie to everyone about his crazy jealous wife and he is also now trying to terrify you now to control and silence you.

If the other spouse knew and it was definitely over he would be behaving remorsefully.

It won't be over until he no longer works with her and has been in withdrawal a number of weeks. He knows he can't break this affair up while he works in the same place as this addiction, so his alternative is to control you. Think of him like an addict.

He's moved out for heaven's sake. He hasn't ended it. Take care not to believe someone based on historical honesty. That no longer applies.

This thread tells you how to expose properly and deal with the workplace issue.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583

Telling the two people who already know isn't exposure. In the form of a threat to addicts it is like a pea gun on a bengal tiger.

Don't deliver the message yourself, let others do it and support you. Make sure you eat and sleep and remind yourself it's your husbands job to earn your forgiveness and you are very nice to even offer the chance.


Your husband won't be able to frown at them all and convince them HE is the one doling out forgiveness to the people he's hurt and disappointed!

Do get support, make sure you eat and sleep during this awful time.

Welcome to MB.

ensurewithlove, welcome to Marriage Builders.

Do you have solid evidence of the affair? I am unclear on that point.

Hi everyone. I have solid evidence that they were emotionally involved, not physically, which I feel has been very damaging. What I did was let him and his lover know that I would be contacting her husband in two days and that she was welcome to contact him first if she wanted. I also told my husband that I would be informing his family in there days as well.

Basically she spoke with her husband the next day, agreed to stop all contact with my husband, and then they both called my husband. Not sure exactly what was said. She is no longer friends with my husband on FB.

I spoke with her husband this morning and he explained that she was planning to resign tomorrow (for their marriage and family, not me) and asked me not to contact their work, which I agreed to.

My husband is furious and will barely communicate with me. I feel like I did the right thing... At the very least, I prevented something from going too far and hopefully they will be able to recover. Not sure about my own marriage but theirs will be okay.

It is difficult for me to understand who he is right now; I'm the bad guy in his mind and he seems unaware of my feelings.

I plan on contacting his family on Tuesday. They are already suspicious so I doubt this will be a surprise.

I felt it was important to give them time to fess up themselves... I know that's not exactly what Dr. Harley recommends, but as it appears to be emotional and not physical, I went that direction.

I recommend you contact his family and friends tonight. You are giving him too much time to spin this with you as the crazy wife.

Have you read the Exposure 101 thread?

Thank you for clarifying, endurewithlove. I'm sorry for the pain that you are going through.

It is a mistake to wait until Tuesday for the rest of the exposure. Please be brave and finish all exposure tonight.

Since he is living with his Mom (and no doubt lying to her), the longer that you go without exposure, the longer that you will be played as the problem. As you say, the bad guy.

Is his father alive? He needs to know also. And any siblings, close friends, etc. Your parents need to know also.

Do you have children? Any children older than four needs to know the truth. How long have you been married?

Please verify through your husband's work that the OW did indeed resign tomorrow. And hopefully she will not put in some sort of "two week notice".

You're right. I just finished contacting his family to complete the exposure. I will verify tomorrow if she really did resign. I'm trying to have faith that this will help rather than hurt the situation. Thanks for all your advice! I'm wishing I had contacted his family earlier, but it is what it is.

Hi endurewithlove, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am relieved to see that you have taken action and exposed the affair yoruself. Will his family be contacting him to try and persuade him to end his affair? That is critical.

The most important first step toward recovery is that you expose the affair yourself. It is not effective when a betrayed spouse demands that a WS expose himself, for many reasons, so I am glad you have abandoned that plan.


Did you exchange evidence with her husband? Will he agree to stay in contact so you can fight the affair together?

Are you married? How long? Did you live together before marriage?

Do you have children? If so, how old?

I agreed to no longer have any contact with her husband and their family. He blocked me on FB.

No, we did not cohabitate. We have a two year old daughter and I'm pregnant with number 2. We've been married for 6 1/2 years.

Why would he block you on facebook? That does not make any sense at all. That makes me suspect that the husband does not know at all. A betrayed spouse would have absolutely no sane reason to block you or to refuse to have more contact. Unless it was not really the OW's wife.

The OW probably had a male friend call you and pretend to be the husband.

And why would he care if you contacted the workplace if she was resigning? I don't believe her husband even knows about the affair.

This is why epxozsure should always be done by the betrayed spouse without any warning. Warning the WS only gives the cheaters the opportunity to trick you or pre-empt you.

Because they could both be fired because they are police officers and that would ruin their chances of finding another job.

But if she is resigning that would not make any difference. And secondly, if they were fired, it would be because of their own unprofessional behavior. It sounds like your husband needs to get a job in a different environment because he is sure reckless and unprofessional in this one.

Like I said, I doubt the OW's husband has any idea.

I hope you are wrong but of course there's a possibility that you are right. He blocked me because he wants no further contact with me or my husband... I see that I've made several mistakes. I'm hoping it was him on the phone. I'm not sure what to do right now... I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out if she really did resign.

I just checked out the number... It is the number of the gun shop that they own. I believe it was him I spoke to. I doubt she would have a friend pretend to be him in his own gun shop...

He said the reason he wanted no more contact with us is because he had difficult failed marriage before.

I would contact the OW's husband yourself. It is utterly baffling that he would block you unless it is the OW trying to make sure you don't get through to him. You need to get ahold of him personally. Do you know where he works?

That makes absolutely no sense at all. A betrayed spouse doesn't block and cut off the other betrayed spouse, especially since it is in his best interest to stay in touch with you.

As far as you know, the OW's husband was out of town and she had someone else call. It may have been him, but you must verify this. I would go to the gun shop and ask for the OW's husband. Ask him to show you his driver's license. If he is there, make sure he knows all about the affair and ask him to be your ally in fighting the affair.

It is very, very strange and baffling that he would block you.

Agree.

Confirmed that she did resign today, gave her two weeks notice.

How were you able to confirm this?

Did you speak directly to her husband and verify he knows about the affair?

Endure I dont get any time to come on here any more but I've been very worried all week by your denial.

Here's why you don't have a remorseful husband who is thrilled at your offer of forgiveness. You're confused, but it's really very simple.

He is a man in love elsewhere and doesn't give two hoots about your second chance. He's in love (physically and emotionally despite your proof bring solely emotional) who is in a great deal of trouble with his main priority in life. She has ordered him to get you back in your box by any means necessary and they are in full tilt damage control.

He's in love with her and has sex with her. Sorry but you need to stop expecting him to respond to you as number one.



His best shot at protecting her is to intimidate you.



You haven't exposed her? You are woefully underestimating her importance and the need to run her off.



They cannot stop seeing each other voluntarily. They have strong feelings. You left them no choice but to heed your warning and block you from her husband. He will never know she blocked you from his account. Seen this many times.



It's a dead cert. Hope is not a plan. Ending this properly by taking it seriously is. It's only romantic while they can protect its secrecy. In the light of day it's.....an embarrassment.




I don't. People are going to find out she is having an affair. She's going to lose the man she loves. She's not going to care about being caught fibbing while trying to prevent all that.

Her husband would have gotten in touch to ask you every question he possibly could.

Please take this seriously. It's a full blown relationship and they are close to leaving to be together.

She has friends and family who don't know, and she can tell her husband she's simply not in love. Then your H, who is upset about exposure (because he isn't going to apologize) will abandon his family and rely on her support network.



I would still use spyware. Resigning is a good way to get way you to back off. It will also protect her employment record if she jumps before discovery.

Your husbands behaviour and the strange behaviour of her 'husband' still indicates an on going affair.

Endure,

Please heed IndieGirls advice.

You are in Denial and everything she pointed out is Spot On Target.

LTL