I am hoping someone can shed some light on this and maybe give advice/guidance on what my next step should be...assuming I get the chance to take one.

My husband of 21 years and father to our two children, 18 and 15, decided 2 weeks ago that he "loves me but is not in love with me" and will be moving out after the holidays. We just moved to a new state 3 months ago, for his promotion, and our house in the old state has not sold yet. We are very much in debt with little extra cash flow,, so that is why he is unable to move out now, and because the holidays are coming, I am assuming he does not want to devastate the boys.

While this seemingly came out the blue, I can admit that our marriage has been rocky for quite some time. In fact, I almost walked away 8 yrs ago, when there was verbal abuse, depression and alcoholism on his part. I really had no feelings left for the man at all, but I ended up working on myself, read some self help books and visited this forum. I wanted to be the change, and I was. We still went thru a pretty hard time financially, as that has plagued most of our marriage. We have been bankrupt, had a foreclosure, almost lost our house in the housing market crash, only to short sale it later when we moved for his job, and then went through six months of unemployment. I have been a stay at home mom for most of marriage, with a few part time jobs to help when we needed (when we almost lost our house and during his unemployment). So needless the say the past ten years have been rough, throw in three moves to different states, (we have moved 8 times times in our married life) and you could say we have both have been under some serious stressful situations.

Like I said, we just moved here for his job promotion, and I believe he is very regretful of that decision. Our house has not sold yet, straining us financially as all the proceeds from the sale were to pay off all our credit card debt and we could start life anew. The commute everyday is very new to him as he always worked out of our house and traveled quite a lot. Now he gets up, goes to work, comes home, goes to bed and gets up to do it all over again. We have been unable to do all the things we dreamed about doing here-- out to dinner, hockey games, shopping, because of that dang house!! But the first month or two we were happy, dreaming of the future, looking at houses (we are renting right now). I thought we were ok. (Not great, but ok). There were a couple times when he said "I think we should separate" I said "No. We just moved here, I have no friends, family or job. We are both stressed" He said he didn't want to either, and we moved on

And I had not been on my best behavior either. I have been very angry and letting every little thing get under my skin. "Bitchy" as he would call it. As the person who pays the bills, I was feeling the pressure too, because I finally had to call it quits on going out to dinner every Friday night. Well on Halloween, he spent $150.00 at the liquor store and $50.00 was on 4 wine glasses. I lost it. I sobbed hysterically, as now something was not going to get paid. I was mad for two days. but I got over it. We seemed ok after that, then he went away for the weekend to meet friends (I was a little upset as it was the last three days of his vacation).Well anyhow, the time away was good,(we texted a little) because I ended up having an epiphany that my marriage was worth more than $150.00 and some credit card bills that weren't going to get paid, that I really has not been being a nice person, or even myself, and that I had no reason whatsoever to be so angry. My kids are healthy, we always have food and warm beds and warm house, no one really goes without.
I would start with me and be the change! Sunday when he got home, everything seemed normal, he was in a fine mood. We texted a little before bed, my "I love you" got responded with "I know". By Tuesday of that week, he dropped the "I love you, but not in love you" bomb, and that "Life was too short". I sobbed hysterically. I guess he had his own epiphany!

Well, I put the new me (actually the old me) into full gear and was just HAPPY!! I ironed his clothes (we had a fight about it a month or so ago), made sure his lunch was out, etc. On Friday, (4 days after the bomb) we are going out to dinner for my youngest birthday, and I come down with a dress on. He says "get up there and lets get a picture of you with your sexy mom" HUH?

Other odd things have been said and done (he washed and vacuumed my car) for a man who is leaving, but one night as we sat on the couch drinking wine (we have not that in forever) he says "I don't know why you are doing this. It won't rekindle anything". I said it was for me.

This morning as he was leaving for the weekend, again!, because he "couldn't sit in his room for three days", he walked in and asked how he looked in his new pants. Did they look good? Fit right? I said "yes, they looked good and they made his butt look good too", He says "hey..your're not suppose to say that kind of stuff anymore"

I think he might be going through a mid life crises. But my question is, what should my next step be? We seem to be on pretty friendly terms, (he asked me yesterday if I needed help making dinner) and I really feel like we just need to get that house sold and relieve that financial strain and be able to "date" each other again. Do something without the kids, reconnect, etc. ( He has said he is dead inside and that in his head and heart it is too late). But I don't want to push/pursue and have him walk out the door on Jan 1st. Should I ask him to meet me for dinner one night? Drinks? Where to go from here?

Sorry this is so long, but I was trying to give as much info as possible. Any advice would be appreciated.

It is very likely that your husband is having an affair. There are red flags all over your story.

You need to snoop for an affair.

Hi melweb, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would quietly snoop on him to find who the affair is with. He is having an affair. I am so sorry.

Don't ask him because that will just put him on high alert. Do some snooping and come back here for next steps..

He is just up and leaving for the whole weekend? Where is he going? Have you snooped for an affair?

Is he an alcoholic? Why are you drinking with him?

Have you read Dr. Harley's articles on alcoholism?

Does his phone have a GPS on it so you can find his location? He is spending the weekend with his mistress.

Oh he's definitely having an affair.

Like the others said, the last thing you want to do is confront because he will just deny it and he will cover up his tracks. And you cannot talk a person out of an affair - I have seen it tried by hundreds if not thousands on these forums over the years and it never works even though almost every BS thinks that it will.

So confrontation is a lose-lose-lose. Quietly snoop. This is very fixable if you will follow the MB advice.

And ask for this thread to be moved to SAA.

Thanks for all the replies.

I have considered an affair. I do not have access to his phone or computer, but there is no unaccounted for time. He leaves at 7 AM and is home by 6 or 6:30 PM, this includes his almost hour commute. He is also on an anti-anxiety drug that has lowered his libido.

I have not asked but he has volunteered that there is no affair and he can prove it... (I know...famous last words).

@BrainHurts, he is going to a friends house a few hours away. (I think?) I am not sure if I would consider him an alcoholic or not. He typically has one or two after work. He has struggled with it in the past and quit altogether a few years ago for three or four years. He started again a few years ago when his job got very stressful.
@MelodyLane, no GPS on his phone, I don't think

Also, I pay all the bills, so I do see his credit card statements and our bank account. Nothing unusual

He is spending the weekend with his mistress right now. Of course he has time for an affair. He leaves every day at 7am and gets home at 6-6:30. He spends time with her during the work day and then spends the weekends with her.


The word of a cheater is worthless.


Does he have an Iphone? If so, then you can track him via findmyiphone app. It is easy to download on his phone. You can also find out the OW's address just by looking in his settings.

You need to find out who this mistress is so we can help you with next steps.

Most cheaters don't use bank accounts or credit cards that the spouse knows about. If you go to credit karma.com and start up an account using his SS#, you will probably find some credit cards you don't know about. Another way to hide an affair is to get money from the OP.

He does have an iphone. I am not sure how to track it, but even if I do, all that tells me is WHERE he is, not WHO he with.
I just checked our bank account and he did indeed use it the next state down..where he said he was going.

It will give you the address of his mistress. That is what you need. You can go to that location and find him. You can also quietly place findmyiphone app on his phone. Does he have it now?



He is with his mistress. I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you this. Who do you believe he is with?

melweb, I say this with the greatest of concern and care for you, but you are in serious denial, my friend. Any objective observer can look at your situation and see he is having an affair. There are so many signs here that I hardly know where to start.

The first most glaring sign is his comment that "I love you, but not in love you." That means he has a new point of comparison. The other is his desire to "separate." if the marriage was in trouble, the obvious solution would be to fix the marriage. Its not like you are not willing, after all. So why wouldn't he be focusing on fixing the marriage? The reason is because he wants to separate so he can pursue his affair.

I accept and understand that you don't want to believe the truth, so I implore you to investigate yourself. Don't ask him, but quietly snoop to find out.

He does have is phone with him.

He is a few hours away, with a co worker who lives there.

I will check for unknown credit cards. His credit is so bad, because of our financial situation, he's been denied a couple of times.

Why don't you drive there and surprise him?

@SusieQ...what is SAA and how do ask to move a thread there?

The moderators already moved your thread to the Surviving an Affair forum.

I will certainly dig to find any evidence of an affair.
Any other suggestions as I do not have access to his phone or computer?

I would hire a PI to tail him for a couple of days. Even if you have to borrow money from a relative or friend. A PI can get all the information you need in a very short period of time.

Another suggestion would be to drive down to this "coworker's" and surprise him. Do you have the address?

Why would he bring that up out of the blue? Because he's probably having an affair and his mind is occupied figuring out how to hide this affair from you. He already has made up an answer for every question you might ask.

I do not have the address.

You can look it up, right?

I can

Is it a male or female?

Male

melweb, he has probably given you a fake name for this "coworker" so you wouldn't be able to find him anyway. Can you buy a GPS and put it on his car when he gets back? That way you could go to his location and see for yourself what he is doing.

Do you have acces to phone bills?

Well after several hours of sluething last night, I came up with exactly nothing.
1)I cannot get into his personal email, or his Credit Karma acct (I will keep trying tho)

2)I did get into his Verizon acct and while I found some numbers I didn't know, most of them I did (or reverse phone look up). Yesterday, on his way to his buddies house, all texts, outgoing and incoming, were from his buddy, as were all calls. Thursday, when he had plenty of down time and out of my watchful eye while I was in the kitchen cooking, all texts of any length were from his buddy, and the others were just a minute in length each. Any other numbers and or texts , and I went thru Oct and Nov bills, about 500 calls and 2000 texts, that seemed suspicious, in length, time or date, I crossed referenced to that weekend after Halloween when he dropped the bomb, or a time when he would be home, or on his way home from work. Nothing.
3) We have an old iphone4 that we dug out of storage in order to trade in or sell, because the boys needed new phones. That is still in his home office drawer.
4) He is on Lexapro and Cialis. The Lexapro went with him. The Cialis is still here

I cannot afford a PI or a GPS right now.

The affair is probably with his "buddy." What is her name? You might be able to find it here: http://safecaller.com/index.php

The "buddy" is either the OW or is her cover.


Can you afford the divorce you are headed for? Your marriage is not going to survive if you can't uncover this affair.

Can you find the OW's name and address doing a reverse look up on her #?

I can't imagine him taking the whole Cialis bottle and risking the OW seeing it. How hard would it be to take out 2 pills and slip in his wallet?

What did you mean here? Can you fire up the iphone4 and access his account? Did he ever use that phone?

If you have an iPhone that he has been using, do this: From the iPhone home screen, select Settings, then Privacy:Location Services:System Services(at the very bottom of the list):Frequent Locations. The history will tell you when this iPhone has repeatedly been taken, and precisely when.

This is a common wayward tactic - to have the OP's name under someone else's name. Have you independently verified who this number belongs to?

Even if you can verify the "buddy's" number - just so that you are aware, if your H is messaging someone who has iMessage, that would not appear on your phone bill. There are other work-arounds for someone in an affair to go undetected, such as using third party messaging apps, hidden email accounts and burner phones.

And it sounds to me like if your H was "offering" to prove to you there is no affair, that he already is thinking ahead and has covered his tracks.

You should be brainstorming ways to snoop further - checking his phone record is not nearly enough.