I Cheated. Help Save My Marriage - 05/25/16 10:05 PM
If you are a man struggling with sex addiction/sexual temptation, please stop here. My story is sorid and ugly, and I never want to hinder another man�s progress.
I started looking at porn when I was a little kid. I�ve looked at it off and on until this or last month. I married my high school sweetheart when I was 18. She did not know about the porn. There were year long spells with no porn sprinkled throughout my past.
In 2004, my wife discovered the porn. It was so upsetting for her that she went into premature labor with our second son. He spent the next several weeks in the nicu. That�s right, I almost killed my son with my porn addiction. Yet I didn�t stop. In fact, my depravity grew.
In 2006 my porn addiction grew into an affair. It wasn�t a drawn out emotional affair, but rather a one time drunken fling with a much older woman. My wife literally walked in on us. She has terrible flashbacks to this day that cause her to physically shudder in pain.
In 2006 I committed my life to God, quit looking at porn, and was honest with my wife regarding all things. I also didn�t work for 6 months (I lost a fantastic career as a result of the affair) and when I did work, I didn�t make enough money to support our family of 5. I was porn/sex addiction free for the next 2-3 years. Then one day I wasn�t anymore. I screwed up - I looked at porn. That itself wasn�t what ruined me. Hiding it, turning it into a lie, is what ruined me. That one time turned into two, into five, into ten, and the lie was too big to reveal without massive damage to my still recovering marriage.
In 2010 I �woke up�. I had a realization that I didn�t like who I was and I decided to change. This entailed a new career and a new confidence about life. From 2010 until 2016 my marriage blossomed, my career blossomed, and I lived the best years of my life. My wife felt this way too. Except for one thing. I was a sex addict. My porn addiction turned into seeking out escorts in 2014. From January 2014 until April 2016 I sought out 27 escorts for a total of 44 encounters. My sexual depravity grew in other areas of my life too. I started to seek out attention from women other than escorts, flirting with waitresses, co-workers, etc. All of this was done in secret. My wife had no idea. In all other areas of my life, I was incredibly happy, and very blessed. Sexually, I was a monster. I packed the sex up into a little box and buried it in a corner of my mind. My wife would ask for reassurance and I would go to great lengths to convey my undying love for her. My love was real. My reassurance was misplaced and dishonest.
In April, I met an escort that turned into a personal relationship. I never had feelings for the girl, but I treated her as if I did, buying her gifts, paying her bills, and taking her to dinner. She lives in a different state and I booked plane tickets to visit her. My sex addiction had grown to a level I could no longer hide in a box. I stopped sleeping. I started sweating profusely at night, consumed with guilt. Finally, on May 11th, I confessed what was happening to my wife. At first, I told her I was having an affair. It took another day before I found the courage to tell her about the escorts. We �celebrated� a very painful 16th anniversary on May 13th.
My wife never once in our marriage said no to sex. I could write a book filled with the incredible and adventurous sexual experiences she gave me. My wife has always fed me, taken care of our children, and respected me, even when it was hard. My wife is the most beautiful woman I�ve ever seen. If I was to post a picture here, you all would agree. In short, I have the best wife imaginable.
The last two weeks have been an unimaginable rollercoaster. I still live at home. I�ve still been treated to sex with my bride. But she�s broken. Her love for me, a love that was beyond incredible, dying everyday. I know her mind, and anyone else that hears our story, are telling her to leave. I believe her heart is confused. She loves me and wants an un-broken home for our sons, but she desires to flee too.
I�m beyond sorry. I clearly see where I went astray after the horrible things I did in 2006. Post affair/losing our job, I dedicated much time to walking with God. When I quit trusting in him and started trusting in myself, I fell again. This time I�m doing it different. I�ve enrolled in an every mans battle conference, I�ve joined AA because they have the most proven/thorough addiction program available. In short, before I failed to prepare myself for a life without a sex addiction. I won�t make that mistake again. Im consumed with shame and guilt to the point that my body shakes uncontrollably.
My wife has to be feeling that the last 16 years were a complete waste of her life. I need her. I need her more than I can put into words. I couldn�t be honest before because I was trapped in the middle of a lie covered addiction. I�m not anymore. I�m free to win. And I will.
I need help. I need advice. If you feel that it would help, I�ll take your admonishment too. I�ll take anything you can give me to help me rebuild what was a perfect marriage. I am especially interested in hearing from any woman that has had her husband commit similar injustices against you. Specifically, how can I best love and fight for my wife?
I started looking at porn when I was a little kid. I�ve looked at it off and on until this or last month. I married my high school sweetheart when I was 18. She did not know about the porn. There were year long spells with no porn sprinkled throughout my past.
In 2004, my wife discovered the porn. It was so upsetting for her that she went into premature labor with our second son. He spent the next several weeks in the nicu. That�s right, I almost killed my son with my porn addiction. Yet I didn�t stop. In fact, my depravity grew.
In 2006 my porn addiction grew into an affair. It wasn�t a drawn out emotional affair, but rather a one time drunken fling with a much older woman. My wife literally walked in on us. She has terrible flashbacks to this day that cause her to physically shudder in pain.
In 2006 I committed my life to God, quit looking at porn, and was honest with my wife regarding all things. I also didn�t work for 6 months (I lost a fantastic career as a result of the affair) and when I did work, I didn�t make enough money to support our family of 5. I was porn/sex addiction free for the next 2-3 years. Then one day I wasn�t anymore. I screwed up - I looked at porn. That itself wasn�t what ruined me. Hiding it, turning it into a lie, is what ruined me. That one time turned into two, into five, into ten, and the lie was too big to reveal without massive damage to my still recovering marriage.
In 2010 I �woke up�. I had a realization that I didn�t like who I was and I decided to change. This entailed a new career and a new confidence about life. From 2010 until 2016 my marriage blossomed, my career blossomed, and I lived the best years of my life. My wife felt this way too. Except for one thing. I was a sex addict. My porn addiction turned into seeking out escorts in 2014. From January 2014 until April 2016 I sought out 27 escorts for a total of 44 encounters. My sexual depravity grew in other areas of my life too. I started to seek out attention from women other than escorts, flirting with waitresses, co-workers, etc. All of this was done in secret. My wife had no idea. In all other areas of my life, I was incredibly happy, and very blessed. Sexually, I was a monster. I packed the sex up into a little box and buried it in a corner of my mind. My wife would ask for reassurance and I would go to great lengths to convey my undying love for her. My love was real. My reassurance was misplaced and dishonest.
In April, I met an escort that turned into a personal relationship. I never had feelings for the girl, but I treated her as if I did, buying her gifts, paying her bills, and taking her to dinner. She lives in a different state and I booked plane tickets to visit her. My sex addiction had grown to a level I could no longer hide in a box. I stopped sleeping. I started sweating profusely at night, consumed with guilt. Finally, on May 11th, I confessed what was happening to my wife. At first, I told her I was having an affair. It took another day before I found the courage to tell her about the escorts. We �celebrated� a very painful 16th anniversary on May 13th.
My wife never once in our marriage said no to sex. I could write a book filled with the incredible and adventurous sexual experiences she gave me. My wife has always fed me, taken care of our children, and respected me, even when it was hard. My wife is the most beautiful woman I�ve ever seen. If I was to post a picture here, you all would agree. In short, I have the best wife imaginable.
The last two weeks have been an unimaginable rollercoaster. I still live at home. I�ve still been treated to sex with my bride. But she�s broken. Her love for me, a love that was beyond incredible, dying everyday. I know her mind, and anyone else that hears our story, are telling her to leave. I believe her heart is confused. She loves me and wants an un-broken home for our sons, but she desires to flee too.
I�m beyond sorry. I clearly see where I went astray after the horrible things I did in 2006. Post affair/losing our job, I dedicated much time to walking with God. When I quit trusting in him and started trusting in myself, I fell again. This time I�m doing it different. I�ve enrolled in an every mans battle conference, I�ve joined AA because they have the most proven/thorough addiction program available. In short, before I failed to prepare myself for a life without a sex addiction. I won�t make that mistake again. Im consumed with shame and guilt to the point that my body shakes uncontrollably.
My wife has to be feeling that the last 16 years were a complete waste of her life. I need her. I need her more than I can put into words. I couldn�t be honest before because I was trapped in the middle of a lie covered addiction. I�m not anymore. I�m free to win. And I will.
I need help. I need advice. If you feel that it would help, I�ll take your admonishment too. I�ll take anything you can give me to help me rebuild what was a perfect marriage. I am especially interested in hearing from any woman that has had her husband commit similar injustices against you. Specifically, how can I best love and fight for my wife?