The story of my Nightmare - 05/26/16 08:01 PM
Hi all. I'm blessed and happy to find a place of proactive healing and answers. Thanks in advance for your time and care.
I am 34. I've been married to my high school sweetheart since we were 18. We have three beautiful teenage boys. I am a life-lover. I find joy in all the beautiful details of life. I teach PE at my boys' school and am a homemaker. I enjoy making house a home. My husband has a successful career and is a hard worker. We share a favorite hobby of working out and lifting weights, at the gym. I also like to run. My boys run with me. We love the adventure and enjoy soaking up God's beautiful outdoors. I love to bake, make things pretty, and create special moments for my family. These last few years have been the happiest of my life. I literally **thought** that I was the luckiest girl alive. Life has been amazing, overflowing with goodness.
Years ago, earlier in our marriage, I found out my husband was addicted to porn. It crushed me. Months later, I walked in on him having drunken sex with a much older lady. I was shocked. It was the darkest, deepest pain of my life. I had a really good childhood and walked into marriage fairly innocent. This knocked me to the ground and it took time to regain my footing in life. However, my husband has always shown passionate love for me and I was able to quickly forgive, trust again, and move forward. I thought we had a miraculous redemption story. I trusted him 200% after this hard time. I gave him total freedom in life and he gave me mine.
We spent the years since this disaster, raising our family and living happy lives. I always thought that my husband loved me more than any woman could be loved. I respected him immensely. To me, he was an incredible man, whom I admired so very much. He beat his battle with porn and changed his life...
...so I thought....
A couple weeks ago, my husband confessed with great remorse that he still looked at porn regularly. He indulged in chat rooms, web cam sessions, paid porn sites, Craig's List encounters, and more. He took it further and paid for massage sessions, strip clubs, and sex with escorts. He travels often for work and over the last couple years, he has been with escorts 44 times. The latest girl turned into a fling, who he took to dinner, flew to see her, bought her gifts, and paid her bills. I am shocked and devastated. My life has crumbled. I feel as if I am still in shock. I am numb. I couldn't eat a bite for 3 days. I can't focus or sleep. My foundation is trembling and is not at all what I thought. I have been trying to be strong for my 3 boys. They need a solid life. They're in early teen years, and I want them to have stability. Unfortunately, I have also needed to be strong for my husband. This guilt has caused him great agony and he is unstable and unwell. I walk numbly through my days. I cannot seem to process this reality. It doesn't feel real. I cannot live like this. I love my husband SO VERY MUCH but for the first time in my life, I am thinking of leaving him and rebuilding a new life. I do worry about my boys, so as of now, we are still in tact as a family, at home.
I am not a perfect wife, I have flaws, of course. BUT I truly have given 100% effort in being the best wife I could be. I have always been faithful to him and loyally supported him. I have NEVER turned him down on sex. We have wild, crazy sex often. We have sex several times a week usually and have for years. I'm not ugly. I cannot figure out WHY WHY WHY he needed to look outside our marriage. This is something I struggle with. I make him homemade meals, pack his lunches, prep his clothes, make our home beautiful, am a VERY happy wife, I don't complain about long work hours...WHY did he need some other woman??? I'm broken and dying inside. To clarify, I am writing with emotion, more than reason right now. I have plenty of bad qualities of course, but not enough to merit him cheating on me multiple times, for years. His actions are beyond my comprehension.
My soul is destroyed. I gave all of myself to him and planned on loving this man like crazy until we were 90. He wrote his story at this post: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...at&Number=2882395&gonew=1#UNREAD
I appreciate your time and love. Thank you!
I am 34. I've been married to my high school sweetheart since we were 18. We have three beautiful teenage boys. I am a life-lover. I find joy in all the beautiful details of life. I teach PE at my boys' school and am a homemaker. I enjoy making house a home. My husband has a successful career and is a hard worker. We share a favorite hobby of working out and lifting weights, at the gym. I also like to run. My boys run with me. We love the adventure and enjoy soaking up God's beautiful outdoors. I love to bake, make things pretty, and create special moments for my family. These last few years have been the happiest of my life. I literally **thought** that I was the luckiest girl alive. Life has been amazing, overflowing with goodness.
Years ago, earlier in our marriage, I found out my husband was addicted to porn. It crushed me. Months later, I walked in on him having drunken sex with a much older lady. I was shocked. It was the darkest, deepest pain of my life. I had a really good childhood and walked into marriage fairly innocent. This knocked me to the ground and it took time to regain my footing in life. However, my husband has always shown passionate love for me and I was able to quickly forgive, trust again, and move forward. I thought we had a miraculous redemption story. I trusted him 200% after this hard time. I gave him total freedom in life and he gave me mine.
We spent the years since this disaster, raising our family and living happy lives. I always thought that my husband loved me more than any woman could be loved. I respected him immensely. To me, he was an incredible man, whom I admired so very much. He beat his battle with porn and changed his life...
...so I thought....
A couple weeks ago, my husband confessed with great remorse that he still looked at porn regularly. He indulged in chat rooms, web cam sessions, paid porn sites, Craig's List encounters, and more. He took it further and paid for massage sessions, strip clubs, and sex with escorts. He travels often for work and over the last couple years, he has been with escorts 44 times. The latest girl turned into a fling, who he took to dinner, flew to see her, bought her gifts, and paid her bills. I am shocked and devastated. My life has crumbled. I feel as if I am still in shock. I am numb. I couldn't eat a bite for 3 days. I can't focus or sleep. My foundation is trembling and is not at all what I thought. I have been trying to be strong for my 3 boys. They need a solid life. They're in early teen years, and I want them to have stability. Unfortunately, I have also needed to be strong for my husband. This guilt has caused him great agony and he is unstable and unwell. I walk numbly through my days. I cannot seem to process this reality. It doesn't feel real. I cannot live like this. I love my husband SO VERY MUCH but for the first time in my life, I am thinking of leaving him and rebuilding a new life. I do worry about my boys, so as of now, we are still in tact as a family, at home.
I am not a perfect wife, I have flaws, of course. BUT I truly have given 100% effort in being the best wife I could be. I have always been faithful to him and loyally supported him. I have NEVER turned him down on sex. We have wild, crazy sex often. We have sex several times a week usually and have for years. I'm not ugly. I cannot figure out WHY WHY WHY he needed to look outside our marriage. This is something I struggle with. I make him homemade meals, pack his lunches, prep his clothes, make our home beautiful, am a VERY happy wife, I don't complain about long work hours...WHY did he need some other woman??? I'm broken and dying inside. To clarify, I am writing with emotion, more than reason right now. I have plenty of bad qualities of course, but not enough to merit him cheating on me multiple times, for years. His actions are beyond my comprehension.
My soul is destroyed. I gave all of myself to him and planned on loving this man like crazy until we were 90. He wrote his story at this post: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...
I appreciate your time and love. Thank you!