This is linger on way to long - 06/08/16 11:11 PM
Hello Members
Im new to this forum. My husband and I have been married 25 years. Two boys one 23 and one 18. Two grandchildren 1 year and 3 years. My youngest is still living at home. My husband has had an on going relationship with another employee for about 3 years. He has not admitted to any wrong doing but he is not defending himself either when the subject is brought up, which is not often. We were in council with Steve at the very beginning 2015 until Nov 2015. Started out with meetings every week Feb - May slowly moved into every 2 weeks June September then once a month. He was never happy about the meetings or carving out time but would attend voicing his disapproval the entire way. He is most happy not having to discuss this.
"D' day #1 He was emotionally involved with another employee 3 years into our marriage. I was 8 months pregnant and found out. He denied and got angry. Now, I know better when I see these signs. I was able to sorta of get over this betrayal. I think he feels he is sexually entitled to women and loves the chase.
"D" day #2 - I discovered something was a mist on November 2014. We had not been having sex for 4 months, not like us but he was complaining of sexual disfunction. I felt he was just working it out giving him more loving space than anything. I Confronted my spouse November 24 2014. It was the first time we had had sex and his actions were of a total different man in the bedroom. I asked what is wrong with you? He replied " it's complicated and I do not want to talk about it!" I then started looking for evidence and found phone numbers. At odd times of the days and weekends. While he was away on a business meeting etc. I confronted him with her name, he denied "We Are Only Friends!" I discovered he was very helpful in her kitchen remodel for her. I question his involvement. He denied anything was going on between them....
Since then I have recovered phone records for 4 years 3 of which are many calls, office time spent together was pretty extensive hours a day, most days of the week. To the point it was interrupting office duties and other employees. I also confirmed his time spent with her with his co worker, a female.
At this point he wants to go at this recovery himself. He has learned not much as he is still having independent behavior of decision making etc. We have had some improvements - lunches 2 times a week, spending weekend time together. No longer working Saturdays. Spending evening and dinners together. He is still working at the same employer. I have asked 3 times what is your perception of getting Steve back into the picture? Answers are No. Last night he followed up with I will have to quit my job and we will will have to move... I did not respond. Other than to say " when I agreed way back in 2014/2015 to work at this marriage it was with the help of a councilor". I knew I could not do this alone. #1 Im very tired and that works against me. #2 he has not total admitted to any wrong doings or explained any behaviors with employee. All questions I have had to dig up and ask he is not giving up any information on his own. I do not overload the questions as it will deplete the Love Bank.
I know this is a false recovery and I have struggles with my own heart regarding staying with him when Im not as sure about this relationship as I did when we first were married, to some extent I feel Im deceiving him. My own way of getting thru this is to think of myself as married in this moment but I get to choose in the next. I have my wedding band on the right hand to remind myself this is not fixed yet.
I struggle with being honorable and yet I know we are in transition to somewhere. For the past year I have been in a in NMDR treatment for PTSD. It has hit me blindsided Im sure like others but it has landed me in the hospital about 6 times this years. I was dealing with serious rejection for over 5 years prior to 2014 and the emotional trauma since that time, years of verbal abuse. Which he is no longer doing. Stepped into the old habit once the other day and I waited until he cooled down the next day I was able to speak to him calmly. Because he is still making assumptions on his own with no discussions it makes it impossible for us to have a complete conversation. When he gets angry at me it is usually because he assumed something of me and did not question his thoughts. He makes his own mind up often based on perceived thoughts. This type of treatment was not expectable. There is no way I can defend myself or us if he is vague.
My husbands idea of recovery is buying a new car and going away for a day or two or having dinners with his friends, triangulation is the term.. He is vague in answers and questions.
I did not expose as to the level of employment 30 years. Of course it is still a possibility. I do not work it would financially hurt a great deal. On a good note the youngest is graduating from homeschool and my time will be freed up. I def am very tired and mentally exhausted . Still taking a step at a time. But I cannot force him into therapy. Any thoughts? Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Im new to this forum. My husband and I have been married 25 years. Two boys one 23 and one 18. Two grandchildren 1 year and 3 years. My youngest is still living at home. My husband has had an on going relationship with another employee for about 3 years. He has not admitted to any wrong doing but he is not defending himself either when the subject is brought up, which is not often. We were in council with Steve at the very beginning 2015 until Nov 2015. Started out with meetings every week Feb - May slowly moved into every 2 weeks June September then once a month. He was never happy about the meetings or carving out time but would attend voicing his disapproval the entire way. He is most happy not having to discuss this.
"D' day #1 He was emotionally involved with another employee 3 years into our marriage. I was 8 months pregnant and found out. He denied and got angry. Now, I know better when I see these signs. I was able to sorta of get over this betrayal. I think he feels he is sexually entitled to women and loves the chase.
"D" day #2 - I discovered something was a mist on November 2014. We had not been having sex for 4 months, not like us but he was complaining of sexual disfunction. I felt he was just working it out giving him more loving space than anything. I Confronted my spouse November 24 2014. It was the first time we had had sex and his actions were of a total different man in the bedroom. I asked what is wrong with you? He replied " it's complicated and I do not want to talk about it!" I then started looking for evidence and found phone numbers. At odd times of the days and weekends. While he was away on a business meeting etc. I confronted him with her name, he denied "We Are Only Friends!" I discovered he was very helpful in her kitchen remodel for her. I question his involvement. He denied anything was going on between them....
Since then I have recovered phone records for 4 years 3 of which are many calls, office time spent together was pretty extensive hours a day, most days of the week. To the point it was interrupting office duties and other employees. I also confirmed his time spent with her with his co worker, a female.
At this point he wants to go at this recovery himself. He has learned not much as he is still having independent behavior of decision making etc. We have had some improvements - lunches 2 times a week, spending weekend time together. No longer working Saturdays. Spending evening and dinners together. He is still working at the same employer. I have asked 3 times what is your perception of getting Steve back into the picture? Answers are No. Last night he followed up with I will have to quit my job and we will will have to move... I did not respond. Other than to say " when I agreed way back in 2014/2015 to work at this marriage it was with the help of a councilor". I knew I could not do this alone. #1 Im very tired and that works against me. #2 he has not total admitted to any wrong doings or explained any behaviors with employee. All questions I have had to dig up and ask he is not giving up any information on his own. I do not overload the questions as it will deplete the Love Bank.
I know this is a false recovery and I have struggles with my own heart regarding staying with him when Im not as sure about this relationship as I did when we first were married, to some extent I feel Im deceiving him. My own way of getting thru this is to think of myself as married in this moment but I get to choose in the next. I have my wedding band on the right hand to remind myself this is not fixed yet.
I struggle with being honorable and yet I know we are in transition to somewhere. For the past year I have been in a in NMDR treatment for PTSD. It has hit me blindsided Im sure like others but it has landed me in the hospital about 6 times this years. I was dealing with serious rejection for over 5 years prior to 2014 and the emotional trauma since that time, years of verbal abuse. Which he is no longer doing. Stepped into the old habit once the other day and I waited until he cooled down the next day I was able to speak to him calmly. Because he is still making assumptions on his own with no discussions it makes it impossible for us to have a complete conversation. When he gets angry at me it is usually because he assumed something of me and did not question his thoughts. He makes his own mind up often based on perceived thoughts. This type of treatment was not expectable. There is no way I can defend myself or us if he is vague.
My husbands idea of recovery is buying a new car and going away for a day or two or having dinners with his friends, triangulation is the term.. He is vague in answers and questions.
I did not expose as to the level of employment 30 years. Of course it is still a possibility. I do not work it would financially hurt a great deal. On a good note the youngest is graduating from homeschool and my time will be freed up. I def am very tired and mentally exhausted . Still taking a step at a time. But I cannot force him into therapy. Any thoughts? Thank you for taking the time to read this.