Marriage Builders
Posted By: Lin63 intimate conversation and affection - 08/09/16 02:23 AM
Spoke to WH about posting here to get help with our IC and verbalizing affection. He said "perhaps he would post"
What if he doesn't feel compelled to post here?
Posted By: apples123 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/09/16 04:29 AM
Ask again tomorrow.
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/09/16 02:00 PM
We had a conflict last night. We did work thru it and he was able to share his feelings. I respect that. I need time to process what he said to me.
During that conversation I asked about his feelings toward the
Affection check list, I had given him. He said he likes it as a behavior modification tool. But does not like me calling attention to it.
Again he is GREAT with all the demonstrative items. He hugs me when he wakes up, makes eye contact, Usually says "Goodmorning Sweetheart"
Talks about his day at breakfast, will lean over and give me a kiss. But he will not give me a compliment on my appearence or share a feeling, . I was specific on my paper to him and asked for him to say "I am so happy to be home and with you". "I enjoy your company".
He said he didn't like to be reminded all the time of his short comings.
I had been encouraging him to verbalize compliments and endearments.
He does not want me to do that. I don't know what to do next.
I told him I felt he would not do anything if I didn't encourage.
I don't know what else to do but just let it go.
Did those of you who used an affection check list just hand it to them and let it go and not say another word?
I wont ask him to come to the forum again. I pleaded my case yesterday morning and I have said all I can on the matter for now. He either will or won't.
I am tired and confused. And so vary sad.





Posted By: apples123 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/09/16 02:05 PM
Many couples keep a list of love-busters and complaints and exchange them once per week. In this way, unpleasantness is limited.

Honestly, I think you two need a coach because he doesn't seem to think he needs to compensate you.
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/09/16 02:30 PM
I've suggested getting a coach. We can't afford one until first of October. If he responded to that I don't know what his response was.
He is happy if I just let it all be we would be fine. I know that. For a time we would be happy. For a time! I cant seem t stop reacting.
I will just journal for a few weeks and and pray he makes an effort.
Tell me about the coaching and how the program with that structure works.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/09/16 02:49 PM
Originally Posted by Lin63
He said he didn't like to be reminded all the time of his short comings.
I had been encouraging him to verbalize compliments and endearments.
He does not want me to do that. I don't know what to do next.
I told him I felt he would not do anything if I didn't encourage.
I don't know what else to do but just let it go.

Keep that on the front burner until he improves. How else can he improve if you don't give him accurate feedback? He might not "like" it but the alternative is worse. It is like getting a NSF notice from the bank, it might not be the most pleasant thing, but not getting it is worse.

Posted By: MelodyLane Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/09/16 02:50 PM
Originally Posted by Lin63
He is happy if I just let it all be we would be fine. I know that. For a time we would be happy. For a time! I cant seem t stop reacting.
I will just journal for a few weeks and and pray he makes an effort.
Tell me about the coaching and how the program with that structure works.

So you need to tell him that you need to see a great effort on his part in order to feel better about this. Just calling it in being lazy will not suffice.
Posted By: apples123 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/09/16 03:23 PM
Did he read the Just Compensation article?
Posted By: markos Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/09/16 03:29 PM
Originally Posted by Lin63
He is happy if I just let it all be we would be fine. I know that. For a time we would be happy. For a time!

Not really, no - that's not factually true. If you "just let it all be," you would not be happy. That's been proved to not work, right?

Quote
I cant seem t stop reacting.

Okay, but the problem is not your reactions; the problem is what he is doing and not doing that is causing your reactions. The problem is his lack of effort.

Quote
I will just journal for a few weeks and and pray he makes an effort.

No way - this is not going to work. Throw your journal out because you are not the one with the problem, here.
Posted By: markos Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/09/16 03:29 PM
Do you have Plan B preparations?
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/09/16 03:44 PM
Apples123
He has read the books with just compensation. If there is an article please let me know where it is. i will send it to hi or print it and hand it to him.

Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/09/16 03:50 PM
Plan B, preparations? Those get more difficult the more we work on inter dependency.
I'm not there yet.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/09/16 03:54 PM
Originally Posted by Lin63
Plan B, preparations? Those get more difficult the more we work on inter dependency.
I'm not there yet.

Lin, Plan B is the separation that Dr Harley will recommend if your husband won't get on board 100%.
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/09/16 04:16 PM
Yes, I know, that has become more difficult now. More steps more things that will need to be addressed. Iam still working plan A. I am still sending emails to Joyce for Dr. Harley, He seems to write me once a week. He has said WH needs to stop the IB. WH is doing that we are down almost 100%. I guess I thought Dr. Harley would tell when it is time to go to plan B.
I can tell you he feels 100% on board.
Posted By: apples123 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/09/16 04:27 PM
just compensation
Posted By: markos Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/09/16 06:07 PM
Originally Posted by Lin63
Yes, I know, that has become more difficult now. More steps more things that will need to be addressed. Iam still working plan A. I am still sending emails to Joyce for Dr. Harley, He seems to write me once a week. He has said WH needs to stop the IB. WH is doing that we are down almost 100%. I guess I thought Dr. Harley would tell when it is time to go to plan B.
I can tell you he feels 100% on board.

Lin, the very beginning of Plan A is to make preparations for Plan B. So you start lining up everything you need for Plan B now. You don't wait until you need Plan B to start getting ready for it. You get ready to go so that you can do Plan B at any time.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi8111_quit.html
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/09/16 10:41 PM
Here, the article is in here and there are radio clips on Just compensation.
What is Just Compensation?
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/10/16 12:20 AM
When the time comes for Plan B. I will get it done. Again won't Dr. Harley counsel me when and if that time comes? He has not suggested that in any of his emails.

Posted By: MelodyLane Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/10/16 12:49 AM
Originally Posted by Lin63
When the time comes for Plan B. I will get it done. Again won't Dr. Harley counsel me when and if that time comes? He has not suggested that in any of his emails.

He will suggest it if your husband won't fully commit to this process. I will email him and ENSURE he knows this latest development so he can get you prepared.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/10/16 12:50 AM
Originally Posted by Lin63
When the time comes for Plan B. I will get it done. Again won't Dr. Harley counsel me when and if that time comes? He has not suggested that in any of his emails.

WE are suggesting you get ready for Plan B because your H does not want you bring up your complaints. That IS Dr Harley's standard advice.
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/10/16 02:25 PM
We had a calm and quiet day. We went to town for a afternoon of shopping and lunch out. I admit to being withdrawn. He was extra demonstrative. We listened to mbradio and he initiated conversation about the topic.
The homework from Dr. Harley only addressed giving Craig information on IB. I was to tell him what the IB was, say it hurt me, Craig was to say "I'm Sorry" and what he would do to fix it.
Nothing more. His IB's are down to 1 a week from everyday.
This latest event actually triggered a response in Craig before I actually spoke. So his defensive response was already in play before I opened my mouth to mention the IB. That is HUGE information for me to process and I am working that process thru now. That is conversation and a thought process Craig has never shared. He responded first to my tense response to what he thought was his attempt to snuggle with me. I realize that I did do that, but not in response to his touch but rather in response to my fear of sharing the IB. We both acknowledge that we misinterpreted that physical response. We did discuss ways of dealing with those missteps. I can't tell you that original response had been alleviated if the next verbalization from me would have been the same. I did blurt out his IB in a rather cold format. Which I acknowledge was fear based. His verbal response was based on the initial rejection and compounded by my in his face verbalization. So we did make progress. Verbalization for Craig causes huge anxiety swings and withdrawal. I am beginning to understand he uses control to calm his anxiety. He is an acknowledged control freak. He does not process on the fly, Let me see how things go with this mornings discussion. I have to acknowledge that he needs his time to process. He knows the end result of not being able to meet my needs.
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/10/16 07:26 PM
We just finished 3 hours of conversation. WE have agreed to modify the way I present IB missteps.
We are posting a white board on the wall directly opposite our bedroom door.
We will post a daily schedule and those things that are pertinent to the day including dates and times.
I will also post IB's on this board. I will only say he needs to address the board. He will then follow thru with Dr. Harleys requirement that an apology is given and plan for never letting it happen again. this eliminates the pressure of responding on the fly which catches him off guard. Which should decrease disrespectful judgements and any angry outbursts.
He asked that I provide a definition in writing of what I mean on the affection sheet. under "Tell me something sweet". He says he will get this down. He additionally needs praise from me when he gets it right!
After this conversation I then read the articles posted here out load on Just Compensation which include detailed information on Plan A and Plan B. This helped me as well.
Posted By: markos Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/11/16 02:29 AM
Originally Posted by Lin63
When the time comes for Plan B. I will get it done. Again won't Dr. Harley counsel me when and if that time comes? He has not suggested that in any of his emails.

It's in his articles, though!
Posted By: markos Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/11/16 02:30 AM
Originally Posted by Lin63
When the time comes for Plan B. I will get it done.

When the time comes for Plan B you need to already have the preparations made so you can start your Plan B immediately.

You may never use the plans, but you need to have them.
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/11/16 03:57 AM
Marko's what Dr. Harley wrote us was and is very clear to both of us. Craig has to get the IB deleted completely or we will end our marriage in divorce. I have prepared for plan B. That was what I did before I learned about a plan A. I know what will need to get done in order to move into plan B. Most likely I will move into Divorce as it will be clear he can't change his behavior. A plan B won't push him to change. He wants it to work for us now and he has got to get himself out of the fog and get moving.
I have a time line and it falls within the guidelines given within the articles given here on the forum.
You all here helped me gain enough strength and self confidence to push in as positive direction as possible. He has listened and recommitted. The man he is today is far different than the man I was married to for 36 yrs. Thank you all for being consistent and clear. It is far from over we have many hurdles left. Each day will be a challenge. Today however he has thrown down the stick and accepted the challenge with both feet.
He told me he will post here and ask for assistance but he is not ready. He is ready to stop all IB's and looks forward to fulfilling my most important basic needs. He has verbalized today more than ever.
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/16/16 03:25 AM
Today was a tough day. I started my day with images of the affair. It has been getting better but today it haunted me all day.I cant seem to shake them.
It was last Monday that the last IB occurred. And Craig is working on verbalizing affection. He wants to know what is wrong and i just don't want to talk about it any more. Dr. Harley wrote today and reaffirmed my feelings and even that didn't cheer me. I read the posts of people trying for years and ending back here. I cant trust that things won't change and he will go back to all the old ways. I just get so down, and so sad and then resentful. Is this part of the healing process? Are there things i can do or ask for that will help.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/16/16 04:01 AM
Lin, why not read the success stories of those of us who used the program and have great marriages today? Of course people come back in bad shape when they don't use the program. You don't have to be like that. A great marriage does not happen by accident, but by design.
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/16/16 04:57 AM
How do I find those stories.
I get so down and you all help me find courage and hope.
thank you
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/16/16 11:37 AM
Originally Posted by Lin63
How do I find those stories.
I get so down and you all help me find courage and hope.
thank you

Almost every single person posting to you is in a happy recovered marriage! We are not posting our stories because we are busy helping people like you. The threads you read are from people who are in troubled marriages.
Posted By: armymama Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/16/16 07:19 PM
Lin63,

I have been reading your posts, but I don't write on here very often. Mel and the others always give advice that is spot on and I don't really have anything to add.

My H had an affair in 2007-08. It was awful, absolutely the worst experience of my life. We attended an MB weekend (back when people traveled to attend in person) and worked the coaching program. Today, we are absolutely in a recovered marriage, very much in love. We spend nearly all our time together and I very rarely think of the affair and if I do, it is fleeting and doesn't evoke any strong emotions.

Feel free to read my posts. Most of my story is in the recovery forum. Follow the program and your marriage and your feelings will be much improved.

Armymama

I want to add that you can read anyone's posts by left-clicking on their member name, and then clicking "view posts".

Once there, you can go back to see their first posts here on Marriage Builders (when most of us landed her with troubled marriages).
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/17/16 12:42 AM
Thank you all
I will start reading your posts. I am so hopeful that will give me hope.
Posted By: markos Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/17/16 01:43 AM
Lin, do you have the Marriage Builders app? Are you listening to the radio show, daily?
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/17/16 04:49 PM
We do have the app. We listen to it at least once a week. But not daily.
I write Joyce every few days or as an IB occurs. They write me back weekly.
Posted By: markos Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/17/16 04:51 PM
The radio show is another great source of encouragement.
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 08/17/16 04:52 PM
Also I come to the forum every day, usually have it open to read all day. I came here when i am getting into a negative feedback loop, which is several times a day. You guys keep me from doing something stupid. Like searching for her facebook page to see if she has reposted her pictures. Or getting spun up with the visions in my head or what he might be thinking at the moment.
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 11/07/16 06:11 PM
Thank you for posting all of this information. I am currently struggling with WS and porn addiction of maybe 50 years. I know for sure of 26 yrs worth. We are together 24/7 and I am monitoring. He is enthusiastic about stopping and he has had only a couple missteps since June, However our lovemaking has declined to zero and he says he just doesn't have any desire and isn't masturbating or looking at porn.
I am struggling with all the usual not worthy and what am I doing wrong feelings. The emotions are so painful,
Anyone with thoughts on restoring intimacy will be helpful. Dr. Harley has given us a plan I am waiting to see what WS response is to that plan.
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 11/08/16 06:33 PM
I need help. I listened all day to the clips from Dr. Harley, I searched the internet. Here is my problem. I don't know what I should do to regain sexual intimacy.
We have been recovering from the affairs, He is attentive, supportive, affectionate, He has shared more and more of this career and his childhood. He tells me he used porn and masturbation early. He was never secretive about porn. Just believed it wasn't a big deal. Dr Harley's paper turned his head.
Now we are a few months into the withdrawal and he has no desire or interest at all. It is not him but me who is having the difficulty. I am needing the SF and don't know how to encourage him. He has spoken to his Dr. and taken a blood test. Dr. Harley has suggested we commit to sex 3 times a week. But how on earth do we do that when he isn't interested and I don't know what I can do to assist with that. I don't want to make it worse.
Posted By: Ariel Re: intimate conversation and affection - 11/08/16 07:26 PM
Posts moved here. Please stick to your own thread.
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 11/08/16 07:57 PM
Sorry Ariel, I did not understand I shouldn't post on the other thread.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: intimate conversation and affection - 11/14/16 02:41 AM
Originally Posted by Lin63
I need help. I listened all day to the clips from Dr. Harley, I searched the internet. Here is my problem. I don't know what I should do to regain sexual intimacy.
We have been recovering from the affairs, He is attentive, supportive, affectionate, He has shared more and more of this career and his childhood. He tells me he used porn and masturbation early. He was never secretive about porn. Just believed it wasn't a big deal. Dr Harley's paper turned his head.
Now we are a few months into the withdrawal and he has no desire or interest at all. It is not him but me who is having the difficulty. I am needing the SF and don't know how to encourage him. He has spoken to his Dr. and taken a blood test. Dr. Harley has suggested we commit to sex 3 times a week. But how on earth do we do that when he isn't interested and I don't know what I can do to assist with that. I don't want to make it worse.
How is this going Lin?
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 11/15/16 11:55 PM
Not well!! I am terribly depressed today. We went back to Dr. first of week. His testosterone is actually up. however Dr. agreed to try injections to increase his libido, its a 90 day trial. She cautioned him that he was probably have issues with withdrawals from multi affairs and porn.
WH husband did email Dr. Harley and tell him he wasn't interested in commiting to the every 3 day cycle. And Dr. Harley wrote back
Expressing that unless WH had a better plan he should give soe further thought to his plan of every three days and be greatful his wife was a willing participate i SF. Dr. Harley also made a comment about single women faking enjoyment in sf until they get married.
We read that email from Dr. Harley last night and I am going to ask WH how he is going to respond to Dr. Harley tonight.
I am so sad and hurt that WH finds the idea of committing or scheduling SF as a repulsive idea.
WH just called pharmacy is about 1 week out so it will be end of next week before we can even try the first injection. WH is focused on this as the end all for our issue.


Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 11/21/16 01:08 AM
Update, We talked about needing additional help. I read all the options on MB WS felt we needed to purchase the package with coaching and accountability. We really couldn't afford it yet but he felt we shouldn't wait. On Friday he said he had filled out the questionnaires. On Sat we had a movie and dinner date followed by church. So sat morning I proposed we watch one session of MB get our chores done then go on the date. WS stalled, refused to give me his plan, stalled some more. Then got up to leave without committing to anything. I said no you tell me what you want to do. He said I need to reboot! I want to go to my room listen to my radios and reboot. That was the end of conversation. he has spoken very little and has been either up in his office or out in the garage. This is a return to his old independent behavior. I am so devastated and confused, ready to plan for Divorce and call it quits once and for all. It will take me 6 months to prepare for a divorce It is winter here now and I have livestock and the farm will need to be sold and then finding a home suitable for me and the ladies I care for will all take time. I can do it. Any insight on my direction would be grateful.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: intimate conversation and affection - 11/21/16 02:00 PM
Are you saying you have in fact purchased and signed up for the online course?

If that's the case, you need to email, your coach urgently, telling her that, having signed up, your husband is unwilling to do the work. She will talk to Dr Harley about this.

I think that, because you haven't finished watching the MB videos, you haven't yet been given access to the private forum where you can write directly to Dr Harley. If you do have access, then you could post there, but if you don't, then write to your coach.

The long and short is that your husband needs to be shown the door. Get your coach's guidance on this.
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 11/21/16 04:42 PM
Yes we purchased the program. WS did the first two questionnaires. It's I just don't have it in me to be the cheerleader any more. Should WS decide to take up the program I'll follow along but I am just dead to it all right now.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: intimate conversation and affection - 11/21/16 05:53 PM
I'm not surprised you're dead to it all, Lin.

My point, though, is that you must not try to be the cheerleader. I don't think that, in general, Dr Harley encourages the woman to be the cheerleader when the man is reluctant about working on the marriage (or says he is enthusiastic, but does not put that into practice). From what he says, a woman will wear herself out trying to drag along the dead weight of an unenthusiastic husband. She should look for swift action, or bail out.

His advice is different when it's the other way around, where the man has to be the cheerleader.

I am just suggesting that you try, at least for a week or two, to pass the cheerleading role to your coach; that is partly what the coaching side of the online programme is for. Your coach will consult with Dr Harley about everything you write, and every questionnaire that you complete, and if you need to stop what you are doing, Dr Harley is the expert to guide you through.

Please write to your coach.
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 11/21/16 06:37 PM
And just write what? I talked on the phone with her last week. I haven't a clue what is going on in his mind. He got what he wanted he got to do whatever it was he wanted to do over the weekend. Maybe it was nothing maybe it was porn, It wasn't on his computer he must know I've put spy ware on. It wasn't his phone he left it down stairs. He wasn't listening to his radios. He wasn't on his lap top. He wasn't watching TV.He just had his ipad, no spyware on it. I've never gotten it away from him long enough to do anything with it. He came to bed and wanted to cuddle. He wanted to kiss me good by this morning. talk about the kids and grand kids.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: intimate conversation and affection - 11/21/16 06:39 PM
Originally Posted by Lin63
And just write what? I talked on the phone with her last week. I haven't a clue what is going on in his mind. He got what he wanted he got to do whatever it was he wanted to do over the weekend. Maybe it was nothing maybe it was porn, It wasn't on his computer he must know I've put spy ware on. It wasn't his phone he left it down stairs. He wasn't listening to his radios. He wasn't on his lap top. He wasn't watching TV.He just had his ipad, no spyware on it. I've never gotten it away from him long enough to do anything with it. He came to bed and wanted to cuddle. He wanted to kiss me good by this morning. talk about the kids and grand kids.
Write the update that you posted earlier, about your H stalling and then not doing the MB work, and protesting about it, and eventually never getting it done.

I thought that was the problem, or am I missing something?
Posted By: SugarCane Re: intimate conversation and affection - 11/21/16 06:40 PM
Originally Posted by Lin63
And just write what?
Lin, if you're done, then that's fine. File for divorce. I don't think anyone, including Dr Harley, would say you should not.
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 11/21/16 07:25 PM
There was no protesting, no mention of MB. He doesn't protest. should i decide to push him into talking about his outburst and independent Behavior it will get turned back around to me. That's the problem. he says he's enthusiastic and then he decides he wants to do his own thing. No discussion n talk about it later. He gets what he wants and then everything is supposed to go back to normal. I ask him to watch the seminar and maybe even tonight he'd sit through it even cuddle and make nice. Like everything is just fine.
He is in class today in town. He has been going for 3 weeks so he can be certified to work with me caring for the ladies.
It is an all woman class and he has called me every hour at break and at lunch. So he called this mornings break and chatted about the class, about politics and whatever.
I am done I need help getting emotionally ready for that. I have old cats that will need to be put down at the vets, a dog that will need to be rehomed, 10 horses and 4 cows that will need to be sold. A farm to sell. I am 63 I can afford to stay here and make all the payments, I don't have half the value to give to him at the divorce. I need to find a house that meets the state guidelines for my ladies or I'm out of a job. I am close to my own SS retirement but I can't go yet. Retirement for me may come by the time I'm 66 but not yet. His retirement does'nt kick in for 5 yrs and he will work to see that it is later than that.
That's ok I just have to get my emotions under control and make a plan. Getting my emotions under control is my focus now.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: intimate conversation and affection - 11/21/16 07:54 PM
Originally Posted by Lin63
WS stalled, refused to give me his plan, stalled some more. Then got up to leave without committing to anything. I said no you tell me what you want to do. He said I need to reboot! I want to go to my room listen to my radios and reboot. That was the end of conversation.
I took this as his protesting. Perhaps I over-interpreted it, but I saw it as that when I read it.
Posted By: Lin63 Re: intimate conversation and affection - 11/21/16 08:33 PM
I see someone who protests having some ability to communicate their desires He does not It is a stonewall. No anything further. I was lucky to get the outburst that he going to reboot. Usually its just a guessing game for me with him walking away and me waiting until he's ready to re-engage.. So with that said I guess we made progress.
I wrote my coach.
Posted By: SusieQ Re: intimate conversation and affection - 11/22/16 12:05 AM
Originally Posted by Lin63
And just write what? I talked on the phone with her last week. I haven't a clue what is going on in his mind. He got what he wanted he got to do whatever it was he wanted to do over the weekend. Maybe it was nothing maybe it was porn, It wasn't on his computer he must know I've put spy ware on. It wasn't his phone he left it down stairs. He wasn't listening to his radios. He wasn't on his lap top. He wasn't watching TV.He just had his ipad, no spyware on it. I've never gotten it away from him long enough to do anything with it. He came to bed and wanted to cuddle. He wanted to kiss me good by this morning. talk about the kids and grand kids.

He needed a "reboot" and disappeared with his iPad that you can't get away from him long enough to install spyware?

That's not good.
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