My husband and I started dating my freshman year in high school 1996. We got engaged his senior year after graduation 1999. We got married summer 2000. We have a 3 year old and 10 month old.
My husband became distant mean hateful aggressive and absent in recent months. It caused strife in our marriage. I thought I was going crazy and the kids were our problem. I sought psychiatrist help and counseling. I began feeling better and thought we would do better but we didn't.
Two weeks ago he came to me seeking separation. He said hes found someone at work he wants to be with. He swears there's been no intimacy yet. I believe him. I'm sure it's emotional affair at this point. She's fulfilling his ego emotional needs conversation and all. Things I couldn't fulfill lately because of how he's been treating me and the kids.
I'm begging him not to do this. He says he thinks it's what he wants. But he hasn't moved out yet and life is pretty much the same as before except he isn't as mean probably clearing his chest helped. We're kind of distant right now with each other but overall it's peaceful. I feel there's hope and I've promised him the world and anything I can do to be all he needs and wants. I truly would do anything to save us. Hes on the edge and I need to act fast to keep him from doing this. I'm not sure how. my words don't seem to be helping. I've tried changing some things about myself and I'm not sure its helping. I'm afraid to drive him farther away. Help...

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Who is this OW? Is she married? Do you have spyware on his devices?

She works at the hospital he works at. She was in a long term relationship like we've been. They are apart or divorced not sure. She can't bear children like I was supposed to feel sorry for her when he told me. Please. Wahhh. I may look into a car device but I dont have anything as of yet.

You need to get spy ware, find out who this person is, and get proof of the affair even if you need a PI to follow him. He is likely lying about the physical aspect. You need all the facts.

Read www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

And read Exposure 101. Then come back with your questions.

Hi Mrs, I'm sorry for your pain.

After you read what apples posted above, then have a look at this also. Dr. Harley would tell you to be in Plan A right now, but only for about three weeks.

What is Plan A and Plan B?

My husband said today that hes still choosing her. Hes still living in our home and being better than ever before. He says with all thats going on its the least he could do is be nice. Wow if he had done this months ago we wouldn't be in this situation.
He still wants to move forward with her. So does plan a even apply to us if he's not willing to work on us?

I agree to needing spy wear. I'm illiterate but I'll find someone to help me.

I read letter #3 about the woman married 14 years and she was to be the best wife possible for 3 weeks. I did that for 6 days then had my first outburst in anger. Was great again for a few more days and anger crept back in. I'm struggling to be nice. I've asked him several time to move out. I'm not leaving because thia is the kids home and moving would upset them more. I need more suggestions. I want to be super wife and show him I am what he wants but its hard to when hes distracted by this woman and sees her more in a day than he sees me. I don't see him quitting his job. Hes a federal employee.

mrs, you should ask him to move out immediately and if he won't, you will need to get an attorney to get him out. Plan A is only supposed to last for 3 weeks with a woman because of the risk of emotional and physical harm. Dr Harley recommends going into Plan B in 3 weeks. Do you have the book Survivging an Affair?

Simultaneously, you need to expose the affair using the tactics in my signature link. I would start by exposing to the OW's boyfriend along with the employer, friends and family on all sides.

Family and friends know there's strife most know if the affair but I will make more announcements. I do agree to tell work. It may mean he gets fired but so be it.

Follow the verbiage in the exposure thread and call it what it is "my husband is having an affair" not that there is "strife" in the marriage.

Please follow the directions on the Exposure thread because it gives you the best chance of killing his affair. It is years of best practices compiled into one thread. The most important exposures will be to the OW's boyfriend, her friends, family and the employer.

Ok so maybe I didn't do the best approach to spreading the word but I posted to Facebook so our family friends and everyone would-be aware of what's going on and that charles is having an affair. Emotional yet still unfaithful. He wishes to end our marriage to pursue this woman and see if its what he wants. It'll be 3 weeks on Wednesday since he told me. I've mostly been forgiving and kind through this. I took my ringa off for a few days but now have them back on. Hes still in the home though I've asked him to move out. I'll see how this week goes with my attempt to end the affair and get him to give us another try. We didn't have problems before this. There was strife as I called it because of some things we need to work on but I never imagined he qas after someone else. Should I during this final week of the 3 pursue an attorney? Ive met with one but ive not hired yet for separation. My husband has been trying to nail me down to figures of what I want to separate for alimony or a lump sum of our savings and such. I don't want to agree to anything without legal advice. So I act quickly or wait this week out? Is there a chance he will reconsider if he's decided to end our marriage? Am I just living in false hope? What do I do next? I will be writing his employer and mailing letters or sending an email this coming week. What about our babies. Step b says to stay away. Do I revoke his visitation privileges for them or what? Thank you!!!!

Do it again using the methods outlined on the exposure thread.

Did you expose the affair? Was the affair exposed to:

1. the OW's boyfriend?
2. OW's friends and family
3. workplace
4. your friends and family

It needs to be exposed using the tactics outlined on the Exposure 101 thread.


You should go to him today and ask him to move out. Have you done this? You might even pack his clothes for him.


Do this today. The exposure should all be done on the same day so it has a tsunami effect.


No, he would get visitation.

But for now, you should focus entirely on exposure. And I would stop calling it an "emotional affair." It is certainly physical, however, an affair is an affair.

WHEN you expose the affair, be sure and give the OW's full name and contact information.

Did you copy and paste her Facebook contacts into a text doc as per the instructions on the exposure thread?

I don't know who she is yet. I need a tracking device or help from a co-worker of his to find out. If I could get his phone I may be able to find her number there. She only has a mom and dad as far as I know. Shes single and no other family.

I will start packing.

You can't possibly know this though since you don't even know who it is. Have you looked on your husbands cell phone bill? Her # should be there.

Good girl! My suggestion would be to ask him politely to move out. Tell him that his presence is too painful for you and ask him - out of kindness for you - to move out.

The fact that he is not taking a step to move out and has resisted indicates she might be married.