Rebuilding after affair - 11/29/16 11:19 AM
I had the perfect marriage...and some how a year ago I had an affair and flipped our lives upside down. My husband and I were addicted to an online game, he was more addicted to the game and I was addicted to the social aspect of the game. We lost communication, I became a nasty wife and the rest is a horrible history from there. I was caught and I moved out for some time. It took time to get my thoughts clear and back on track. I moved home, I want to rebuild my marriage. My husband took me back and we are going to a counselor.
I have read his needs her needs, and I loved it. That book finally made sense of what my husband had been asking for regarding his sexual needs. He saw a difference in our relationship and how I was trying once I finished the book.
My husband has his good and bad days as I expect he will. He has moments of blow ups and I listen and let him vent about what I have done. I apologize up and down but I know nothing I say matters cause he's lost all trust in what I say. He sleeps very little through the week. His over active mind wakes him and he thinks about the affair or this mornings new thoughts were...what is happening. I don't expect him to forget, but how can I help him redirect his thoughts. He will look at me at times and I see the pain in his eyes and I wonder is he thinking about leaving...thinking of what I did...or thinking he doesn't love me anymore. As he has his daily reminders, I have mine. Of course mine are how could I have been so stupid, I have ruined everything we ever had that everyone was so jealous of. Usually his bad days turn into my bad days. I struggle with depression and anxiety, which is now medically under control. I realize I've lost a lot of friends over this and have a hard time turning to anyone for advice or just a shoulder to lean on.
My husband thinks I'll get tire of his bad days and leave again. I can tell him until I'm blue in the face that I'm here until for as long as he allows me to be and that I'll fight for him even after that. Some days I feel like he loves me and other days I feel like he has one foot out the door. We have good times still, and usually a bad day every 3 days or so. Which means he wakes up in the morning, which then I wake up. I try to rub his head and forehead to put him back to sleep, then he either says what is bothering him or once he's at work and we start texting he will lay out what is bothering him. This of course has me crying in my cubical at work through the day, looking for a friend to turn to...which lately is my religious friends.
He says he can see me trying everyday and he doesn't know what more I can do. He says he's trying or he wouldn't be here with me still. I feel like he's constantly bringing it all back up to keep the pain there.
I assume this is all normal or as normal as it gets while trying to rebuild after an affair. I want to earn his trust and respect again and I don't expect it to happen over night. Is there anything more I can do for him to help us? Will he ever put the past to rest and proceed to working on the present and future. I don't expect him to forget, but work on forgiving. Are we sitting stagnate in a stage of the rebuilding process, what should I expect to come.
I feel like in counseling, our closeness and love towards each other shows. I think our counselor was shocked the first time he met us to see us holding hands sitting so close...laughing and joking with each other. The perfect marriage is still there behind the affair. Will it ever come back out from behind the curtain?
I have read his needs her needs, and I loved it. That book finally made sense of what my husband had been asking for regarding his sexual needs. He saw a difference in our relationship and how I was trying once I finished the book.
My husband has his good and bad days as I expect he will. He has moments of blow ups and I listen and let him vent about what I have done. I apologize up and down but I know nothing I say matters cause he's lost all trust in what I say. He sleeps very little through the week. His over active mind wakes him and he thinks about the affair or this mornings new thoughts were...what is happening. I don't expect him to forget, but how can I help him redirect his thoughts. He will look at me at times and I see the pain in his eyes and I wonder is he thinking about leaving...thinking of what I did...or thinking he doesn't love me anymore. As he has his daily reminders, I have mine. Of course mine are how could I have been so stupid, I have ruined everything we ever had that everyone was so jealous of. Usually his bad days turn into my bad days. I struggle with depression and anxiety, which is now medically under control. I realize I've lost a lot of friends over this and have a hard time turning to anyone for advice or just a shoulder to lean on.
My husband thinks I'll get tire of his bad days and leave again. I can tell him until I'm blue in the face that I'm here until for as long as he allows me to be and that I'll fight for him even after that. Some days I feel like he loves me and other days I feel like he has one foot out the door. We have good times still, and usually a bad day every 3 days or so. Which means he wakes up in the morning, which then I wake up. I try to rub his head and forehead to put him back to sleep, then he either says what is bothering him or once he's at work and we start texting he will lay out what is bothering him. This of course has me crying in my cubical at work through the day, looking for a friend to turn to...which lately is my religious friends.
He says he can see me trying everyday and he doesn't know what more I can do. He says he's trying or he wouldn't be here with me still. I feel like he's constantly bringing it all back up to keep the pain there.
I assume this is all normal or as normal as it gets while trying to rebuild after an affair. I want to earn his trust and respect again and I don't expect it to happen over night. Is there anything more I can do for him to help us? Will he ever put the past to rest and proceed to working on the present and future. I don't expect him to forget, but work on forgiving. Are we sitting stagnate in a stage of the rebuilding process, what should I expect to come.
I feel like in counseling, our closeness and love towards each other shows. I think our counselor was shocked the first time he met us to see us holding hands sitting so close...laughing and joking with each other. The perfect marriage is still there behind the affair. Will it ever come back out from behind the curtain?