Separated for 4 Months - New Man - 05/11/17 02:27 PM
Me: 38
Wife: 33
Together: 16 Years
Married: 12 Years
12 Year old Son
We have been separated for about 4 months...
Ok, my first post so please take it easy on me. I apologize for the length in advance. So here is my story� my wife and I started dating when she was 17 and I was 23. It didn�t start well, more as fling more than anything else. She was totally enamored with me at the time. As we were dating for about 2 years she got pregnant at 19. I was very adamant about her having an abortion but luckily and through the grace of God she didn�t and we now have an amazing 12 year old boy who is the center of our universe. Needless to say she has a lot of resentment (and rightfully so) for my behavior during her pregnancy.
We didn�t get married until our son was 5 years old and we did it at the justice of the peace (no real wedding). Again a lot of resentment. Somewhere along the line her being enamored with me turned and now she has the opposite feelings. A few years ago I had a vasectomy. Shortly after, she regretted it and said she wanted to have another baby. We have now been together for 16 years. She is 33 and I am 38. During the 16 years we have had ups and downs. Money has never been a real issue allowing us to go on great family vacations, nice house with pool, nice vehicles, etc.
Now to the big issue at hand: I caught her making out with her best friend (female) at our NYE party. We had several couples over and a couple of singles. To date, she despised that type of behavior and never had partaken in it. Well, our son was at this party (lots of drinking mind you), so I swooped her and her girlfriend into the bedroom and onto the bed. I went to use the restroom and when I come back they are having full blown lesbian sex. I was in complete shock (drunk mind you) and thought it would be a good time to join in. I joined in for a short amount of time at which point my wife got sick and went to the restroom to throw up. Her friend followed her in there and was consoling her as she was throwing up. Shortly thereafter, her friend came back to the bed and her and I had sex (while my wife was throwing up). I am not proud of this and live with regret each day/hour.
My wife claimed she blacked out and didn�t willingly participate in anything and that I was to blame for everything including �not protecting her�, and having sex with her friend. The next night I started sleeping on the couch and did so for about four days while my wife was continuing to sleep in the bedroom.
One night about 5:30am, my cell phone rang and it was my wife saying to unlock the door. I was in a fog from being woke up like that and went and unlocked the door. She came in from the outside dressed as she was going out for the night and casually walked to the bedroom. I ask her what was going on and where she had been and she said �you have lost the privilege to know this anymore�. A couple night later she woke at about 12;30am and advised she was leaving. As it turns out she had been going over to the across the street neighbor�s house (single male) and spending �time� with him. So at this point I moved in with my parents� house. I moved out at that point and we have been separated every since.
Ok, here is where it gets interesting. She had been very upfront and honest telling me that she is dating that man, and that she developed feelings for him within 2-3 weeks. He treats her so well, better than she has ever been treated (he is 10 years older than her) and why would she come back to me where there has been a void there for a long time. For about the first 2-3 months I was doing all of the opposite of what I should have been doing, I.e.- begging, crying, etc.. up until about a month ago. She is still in this relationship with the other man, and by all accounts (limited info), seems to be going well.
HOWEVER: In the past few weeks since I have changed my behavior from begging, crying, etc.. I now go to gym, counseling, lost a lot of weight, look nice, very nice and kind to her, don't initiate conversations with her, etc.. she has really become much nicer and pleasant. She initiates conversation, she wanted to take a family vacation this summer, etc... all the while she is dating the other man. She obviously is confused and having her cake and eating it too.
I filed for divorce (I don't want a divorce) a couple of months back. She NEVER talks about the divorce and anytime I bring it up she somehow changes the subject. She doesn't want to sell the house for our son's sake but in no way could the house be kept if we divorce.
So my questions:
1. Why is she being so nice now?
2. Why isn't she talking about the divorce?
3. Any chance she wants to work on marriage?
4. Will this new man she has fizzle? If so, how long?
5. What else should I be doing to make my marriage work again and win my wife back?
I am open to ideas and suggestions...
Wife: 33
Together: 16 Years
Married: 12 Years
12 Year old Son
We have been separated for about 4 months...
Ok, my first post so please take it easy on me. I apologize for the length in advance. So here is my story� my wife and I started dating when she was 17 and I was 23. It didn�t start well, more as fling more than anything else. She was totally enamored with me at the time. As we were dating for about 2 years she got pregnant at 19. I was very adamant about her having an abortion but luckily and through the grace of God she didn�t and we now have an amazing 12 year old boy who is the center of our universe. Needless to say she has a lot of resentment (and rightfully so) for my behavior during her pregnancy.
We didn�t get married until our son was 5 years old and we did it at the justice of the peace (no real wedding). Again a lot of resentment. Somewhere along the line her being enamored with me turned and now she has the opposite feelings. A few years ago I had a vasectomy. Shortly after, she regretted it and said she wanted to have another baby. We have now been together for 16 years. She is 33 and I am 38. During the 16 years we have had ups and downs. Money has never been a real issue allowing us to go on great family vacations, nice house with pool, nice vehicles, etc.
Now to the big issue at hand: I caught her making out with her best friend (female) at our NYE party. We had several couples over and a couple of singles. To date, she despised that type of behavior and never had partaken in it. Well, our son was at this party (lots of drinking mind you), so I swooped her and her girlfriend into the bedroom and onto the bed. I went to use the restroom and when I come back they are having full blown lesbian sex. I was in complete shock (drunk mind you) and thought it would be a good time to join in. I joined in for a short amount of time at which point my wife got sick and went to the restroom to throw up. Her friend followed her in there and was consoling her as she was throwing up. Shortly thereafter, her friend came back to the bed and her and I had sex (while my wife was throwing up). I am not proud of this and live with regret each day/hour.
My wife claimed she blacked out and didn�t willingly participate in anything and that I was to blame for everything including �not protecting her�, and having sex with her friend. The next night I started sleeping on the couch and did so for about four days while my wife was continuing to sleep in the bedroom.
One night about 5:30am, my cell phone rang and it was my wife saying to unlock the door. I was in a fog from being woke up like that and went and unlocked the door. She came in from the outside dressed as she was going out for the night and casually walked to the bedroom. I ask her what was going on and where she had been and she said �you have lost the privilege to know this anymore�. A couple night later she woke at about 12;30am and advised she was leaving. As it turns out she had been going over to the across the street neighbor�s house (single male) and spending �time� with him. So at this point I moved in with my parents� house. I moved out at that point and we have been separated every since.
Ok, here is where it gets interesting. She had been very upfront and honest telling me that she is dating that man, and that she developed feelings for him within 2-3 weeks. He treats her so well, better than she has ever been treated (he is 10 years older than her) and why would she come back to me where there has been a void there for a long time. For about the first 2-3 months I was doing all of the opposite of what I should have been doing, I.e.- begging, crying, etc.. up until about a month ago. She is still in this relationship with the other man, and by all accounts (limited info), seems to be going well.
HOWEVER: In the past few weeks since I have changed my behavior from begging, crying, etc.. I now go to gym, counseling, lost a lot of weight, look nice, very nice and kind to her, don't initiate conversations with her, etc.. she has really become much nicer and pleasant. She initiates conversation, she wanted to take a family vacation this summer, etc... all the while she is dating the other man. She obviously is confused and having her cake and eating it too.
I filed for divorce (I don't want a divorce) a couple of months back. She NEVER talks about the divorce and anytime I bring it up she somehow changes the subject. She doesn't want to sell the house for our son's sake but in no way could the house be kept if we divorce.
So my questions:
1. Why is she being so nice now?
2. Why isn't she talking about the divorce?
3. Any chance she wants to work on marriage?
4. Will this new man she has fizzle? If so, how long?
5. What else should I be doing to make my marriage work again and win my wife back?
I am open to ideas and suggestions...