Never thought I'd be back! Was divorced from my ex in 2009.

I married my husband in 2011. He lives in Utah and I in England. After he came for Xmas that year ( 3 months later) he was arrested on old tax charges. He was in 2 years, then after 2 years out he was arrested on a probation violation and finished in May this year. He emerged very, very depressed, having not had testosterone for 11 months in jail. I found out Sunday he is having an affair. The depression combined with testosterone boost.... I had felt him becoming colder, but he was due here this week and we were to spend the rest of the year together.

I immediately put Plan A into action - kinda weird at long distance. However, I know him intimately. I called his family, informed his friends, posted on facebook. He did not like exposure - said I had turned his best friend against him

Next day I told him how much I love him. I told him I would wait ( but not forever) and began to post old pictures and wonderful memories on facebook, telling the world how very amazing he is. Admiration is his great need ( I know what I'm doing). When people asked me why, I said that I refused to dwell on ugliness and prefered to celebrate what is beautiful about our marriage.

Within 2 days he ceased blaming me for our break up. Is this a move forward?

Yesterday he told me that he can't understand how people can't understand that it is impossible to love 2 people deeply. A few days ago he said he no longer loved me...

He says he misses my children and grandchildren.Both of my daughters are going to email him this weekend to tell him hes being an idiot. My eldest says she will tell him that his relationship with my grandaughtetr obviously means nothing to him ( he adores her). They will also remind him how I have stuck by him all these years.

Now, one thing about my husband is that he is a committer. He marries quickly. I believe this is a rift with his mistress. He claims they don't want to marry ever and he doesnt want a divorce. That is NOT what he wants - I know him!

So next week he is moving in with her ( lease ends at the end of this month). He says he wants to continue talking to me a few times a week. Yesterday we were on messenger over 2 hours. I am obviously still meeting some of his needs.

He says he does notthink our marriage could survive if he came back because the cloud of his infidelity would hang over it. I told him I love him and forgive all.

Nonetheless he is in the fog. He talks of the intensity of the feelings he has and the wonderful sex. Hes fully addicted.

So, this is what Plan A looks like at long distance.

If anyone has any more ideas, please help me. Is there anything I can do better?

Debra

Hi Debra, welcome back to Marriage Builders. I don't see that there is much to save here because of the background and the fact that you don't live together. Even solid marriages cannot withstand living apart, so that is an unsurmountable problem. There might be a chance to save this if you lived together, but it doesn't like that is possible now.

Even so, I would suggest you follow Dr. Harley's plan and that is to follow Plan A for 3 weeks, and then go into a dark Plan B. If he won't end his affair, commit to marital recovery [which means living together] Dr H would recommend you divorce and move on.

I want to make an important point for future reference, though. In order to be successful, a couple needs to live together so they can meet each others EN's on a daily basis. Living apart completely kills that opportunity, so we often see what you have experienced: a loss of love that leads to affairs and divorce.

I agree with MelodyLane.

I have one question for you. Why did you live apart since you were married? Why didn't you move to Utah or he to England?

So, in the 6 years you've been married, he has spent two periods in jail, of 2 years and of 11 months, and you live on different continents. He was in jail until May this year, and since he has been out - 6 or 7 weeks - he has managed to have an affair so deep that he has moved in with the other woman. Is that correct?

SugarCane, when you put it that way, you make him sound so unreliable, you know?

tl

Me? I was just clarifying the facts!

It's almost like he's not a solid candidate for being a good husband.

tl

I came here for support in what ~I am doing - shame on you!

He was arrested for tax in January 2012. He spent 2.5 years in Jail. He was then out for 2 years, during which time we spent 6 hours plus each day on the phone/skype. We are totally involved in each others lives. We also spent 4 to 5 months together e3ach year ( in bits). Overall we probably spent more time physically together than most couples. In May 2016 he was arrested for a parole violation.

In jail he was not given the medication he needed and became hugely depressed. Unfortunately when he came out he was suicidal but got his meds his hormones took a huge boost and he began walking in the park for exercise where she became his walking companion.....

He cannot live in England because of his jail time, only visit. We were just going to put in the paperwork for y to movfe there as my youngest turns 18 next month ( ex would not let the children move).

He adores the children and loves me but says his feelings for this woman are so intense that he can throw it all away.

I am broken here and looking for help.

Yes, i know we need to live together. That was gpoing to start July to january coming.....

P.S. I have realised that I didnt do enough exposure and sent a huge numbger of messages out yesterday. Unfortunately he will not rev eal the name of his mistress to me....

What was your posting name when you were here before?

It sounds like you didn't really come here for support or advice, but for validation for your own plan. Would you agree?

If this is so, you are not going to get support here for a bad plan. We are here to help you do the right thing; not the wrong thing.

Since when has Plan A been a bad plan?

My name was the same.I was facing y husband's homosexuality. It was very hard and I got lots of support. You were all very kind.

He has just messaged me . After a huge exposure last night, he says he is realising all he has thrown away. Still dithering on leaving her.... I am being clear that I love him but the affair must end.

I thought he would go crazy about the expo

Plan A is a great plan! But very inappropriate in your situation.

You do realize that even if you do decide to employ Plan A that it is supposed to last 3 weeks?

Yes, 3 weeks. We are nearly a week in. You say it is inappropriate but offer no alternative but to quit.

His attitude is changing. He now accepts blame. Today we spoke for 2 hours on how we could recover our relationship if he chooses to stay.

He is thinking of not moving in with her.

I have told him I love him but the affair must end.

My daughters both emailed him today. They told him he needs to give up his mistress and come back.

He is still dithering but much closer to where he needs to be.

This is very hard but I am being constantly kind and understanding, not angry.

2 weeks to go......

So, just being devil's advocate here...if the two of you are not living together in the same house, in the same geographic location, what is to stop him from staying with her and just not telling you or anyone else?

In industry, when things go wrong, they do what's called a root-cause analysis. Have you asked yourself, "What is the root-cause that allowed my husband with poor boundaries around women to enter into and carry on an affair?" The root-cause here is that the two of you do not live in the same house, in the same geographic location. You don't have a marriage, you have an internet/Facetime/Skype pen pal relationship where you get together for a few months out of a year.

Not just the appropriate but, also, the ONLY alternative you have here is for you to move where he is or to a country close to your home country that he can immigrate to given that he is a felon who violated the terms of his parole. (Quite frankly, in my book, that already makes him a less than desirable candidate for marriage - if he can't abide by the legal norms of society which, for the most part are extremely easy to follow - millions upon millions do it everyday - what makes you think he will abide by the social norms of marriage?) Unless you are living together, you will have no way of ever knowing if he is having an affair or doing anything else undesirable.

All the plan A in the world won't overcome a lifestyle that makes marriage impossible. So here is the alternative, move in together TODAY.. You are spinning your wheels trying to save an impossible situation unless that happens. Plan A won't solve the major issues in your marriage. You should understand that Marriage Builders is not a marriage-at-all-cost website.

If 2 more weeks can somehow resolve the living situation and bring you together, then I would say go for it. Otherwise, you are wasting your time with unrealistic expectations.

Today we totalled 9 hours on phone and chat - more than we have done in ages. He is considering coming over next week for 3 weeks ( he has a job to do nowhere near her from 20th to 30th July).

Tonight he is meeting her. He is torn. She doesnt like that he is talking to me.

I finish work in 4 weeks and can be over there immediately. The plan WAS to live together albeit going between our countries.

Fingers crossed.

That's great! So you are moving in with him in 4 weeks?

He doesn't want me to. He is now not moving in with her but seeing her every day.

He is however, thinking of coming to see me before making his decision, he thinks that is fair ( though admits none of this is fair.)

TBH I am looking forward to Plan B. The stress of this is unbearable. I have lost 17lbs in 10 days and am averaging 3 hours sleep a night. If he isnt here in the next 11 days, I am out.

You should move forward with Plan B now. Plan A is affecting your health -- there won't be much of you left in 11 days.

Well, this week has been traumatic. We finally settled into "friendzone" and he began to be sincere with me about cracks already appearing in his relationship to her. We even got flirty this morning!

Today exposure hit home! One of the people I sent exposure emails to forwarded it to him. He says I am a manipulative bi**ch and have been faking being his friend, that I am selfish and twisted.

Yup, mad as all heck.

Says he never wants to talk to me again. We will see

He has now blocked me on facebook, which is out primary place to communicate.

Is now a good time for Plan b, or do I wait for him to calm down and then email or phone?

Now is a great time! Are you familiar with Plan B? Do you have a plan to block all communications?

I agree with the others that you should Plan B now.
Here How to Plan B Correctly