Marriage Builders
Posted By: TheResilientOne New Here, New to all of this... - 06/27/17 04:00 PM
So, I have been doing a lot of reading, a lot... I have been on the boards, and downloaded and read the book on the weekend.
This is just so hard to navigate, like killer hard sometimes.

So, I would like to ask all of you...

What advice would you experts give on how to ensure the plans put in place are given the best chance of success?

Thanks!
Posted By: SugarCane Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/27/17 05:18 PM
Welcome to MB.

It's hard for us to give advice without a context, so please tell us your story. Has there been an affair in your marriage?
Posted By: unwritten Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/27/17 07:38 PM
Welcome to MB.

That is a very broad question. We would need to know the situation and the 'plans' you are referring to. Many people come here with their own plan and that usually has the worst chance of success.

Please give us more detailed information.
Posted By: TheResilientOne Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/28/17 12:20 PM
ok, here goes.

I recently found out that my husband had been having an emotional affair and had fallen in love with the OW. I trusted my gut, and confronted him, and he tried to circle talk me, but did get it all out. Obviously, I can't trust his word at this point, so I did some detective work, and am reasonably confident in what he has said (things line up with my evidence).

Since this is so raw (I confronted him on 06/14, and he fessed up on 06/22), I have been all over the place with my thoughts and feelings. I am quite a rational person, and immediately wanted him gone. We do have 2 children (6 and 9), and I want the best for them out of this.

He met the OW at work, but he doesn't work with her. He is a police officer, and he met her at a call (she is a Military Police). She noticed that he had a pin that veterans of Afghanistan wear, and she mentioned that she had been there also. They quickly compared notes, and there was a lot of crossover between them (times and places they served, and people they knew). He exchanged cell numbers with her, and they had the typical slow build-up of friendship, and over time, it crossed the line, and became a full emotional affair. I have their first contact at 06/16.

He basically let me know on 06/14 that something was up, as when I came home from work, he mentioned that he was called in for overtime and he was still deciding if he wanted it. But as he told me this, he was walking away from me (couldn't face me). It was also odd because when the Sargent calls people in, they don't give you time to think about it. It struck me as odd, but I went about taking care of the kids and getting him supper.
As he ate his supper, I asked him if he was going in, and he said yes, he then went up to change. When he came back, I said that I didn't hear his phone ring from the Sargent calling back, and he said that he texted him. This is also strange, as they always call... I asked to see the text, and he got so nervous, that I knew something was up. He wouldn't leave me alone with his cell, and was following me around the house. I then opened up the call log, and he jumped across the room, and quickly swiped to delete a number. I am a redhead, and almost clocked him right then and there, or grabbed a kitchen knife.
The next exchange was as expected, him stuttering and not answering anything at all etc... I have now concluded that my gut is solid gold, and I will trust it forever! I kept calm, and he was sweating things badly. The kids were nearby, so I kept everything low key, I just wanted the facts! He said he was not going in to work the shift, so I told him fine, and to make the call in the kitchen so I could hear it, of course he didn't and slipped away while I was not looking. Based on all the facts, I knew in my heart what was going on. i also just knew that this was the night they were going to make it a physical affair.

The next 8 days were pretty rough, as he didn't say anything.
To further complicate things, he does have PTSD, and on that night, he had a breakdown on the floor of our bedroom. I was cold as ice, but told him no matter what, he had lots to live for and he needed to seek help for his issues, with or without me. He did call, and they got him in to see a counsellor the next day.

On 06/22, I was a few hours away for work, and called him on my drive. I told him that I knew what was going on (even though I didn't really), and I relayed what I though it was, which turned out was exactly what it was. I told him I wasn't sleeping, and I needed the truth. He said we could talk when I got home.

He indeed told me everything, and answered all of my millions of questions. Some things I had to ask a few times to get my answers, but I am pretty sure he got it all out. He then proceeded to sleep like a baby as the stress of all his lies and deceit was out.
I fell apart that night and felt the worst pain i have ever felt. Of course, there are so many more details, but for now, that is all I have to write.

I spent last weekend downloading and reading Surviving an Affair, and that is the plan I am referring to. I work quite easily with checklists, so until I read the book, I thought there would be no way to save my marriage (nor did I care to save it). Since I finished the book already, he is reading it now, and is happy to do anything the book says needs to happen. He blocked her number, deleted whatsapp, added GPS tracking and key logger, these were his ideas. I told him that since I don't even trust him anymore, I don't even trust that he doesn't have a back-door app installed, so he told me to keep his phone... He is broken and wants to anything.

His behaviour has been unbelievable. He has been back to the man I knew, he is building back relationships with our kids, and they are loving it, dad's back! I live with the fear that he will go back to her, and also told him I would end our marriage if he did. I have read so many stories about how people stay stuck in this for ages, and I am not going to do that. I also told him that even if he slips up, I will know (now have VAR in his car, which is where he called her from), and a separate key logger that he doesn't know about. So far, there has been no contact from him to her, or her to him.

He has begun replacing all the times he used to spend on the phone with her, by calling me instead, and the talks have been really good.
We are doing all of the questionnaires, and spending time alone each day, which is very hard as I work M-F job, and he is 4 on 4 off (2 days, 2 nights). I am very glad she doesn't work with him, as he said he would have quit his job to save his marriage. OW has no other common friends with him, and lives in the city 30 min away, so we won't likely run into her.
I sent him the "addicts are liars" writing I saw on here somewhere, and told him I am regarding him in the way he treats the addicts he deals with at work, he agreed that is fine.

I quickly arranged a short "work trip" away, and he is coming with me, just to talk and go over our homework from the book.
On the 4 hour drive, we will also be stopping in his hometown to tell his parents. This will be hard on us, but necessary. When we return, we will tell our children as well. I said they need to know so they don't internalise things as kids tend to do.

So, ask any questions, I am open to sharing anything. Any advise can be passed to me as well.
Posted By: unwritten Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/28/17 02:06 PM
It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right. I would encourage you to also read the exposure thread and plan to do a better exposure. This is a very important step to holding him accountable and deterring him from contacting her again.

One big mistake I see you making is including him in many of your plans. For instance, he put gos and keylogger on his phone (I was happy to read that you also had some secret ones), he is involved in exposure, etc. If he continues contact, it will benefit him greatly to know your whole plan and how to circumvent it. Since you know it is an addiction, liken it to sharing plans for an intervention with an addict. He is not your partner in this unfortunately.
Posted By: apples123 Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/28/17 03:00 PM
1.He doesn't need to be involved in exposure. You need to tell everyone now.

2. You need to move. If 30 min away didn't stop him having an affair with her, it won't stop him now.
Posted By: Prisca Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/28/17 06:14 PM
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
Posted By: Prisca Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/28/17 06:15 PM
Can you let us know what has been done on that checklist, and what is left to do?
Posted By: Prisca Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/28/17 06:27 PM
In order for your marriage to recover, your husband will need to give you what Dr. Harley calls "Just Compensation."

Just Compensation in a Nutshell:
1. Ending all contact with the affair partner for life
Examples: NC letter, phone number changed, email changed ...

2. Removing the conditions that led to the affair (Extraordinary Precautions).
Examples: Facebook shutdown, Radical Honesty (no secret second life), job change, no more nights apart ...

3. Creating a romantic relationship using Marriage Builders concepts.
Examples: Eliminate Lovebusters, POJA, PORH, meet EN, UA time each week ...
Posted By: TheResilientOne Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/28/17 07:36 PM
I took the checklist seriously, and am working through it.
No contact was set up before I confronted him.
He did the letter up, but I insisted on stuffing the letter in the envelope and watched him mail it (no trust now).
Phone blocked, no social media account, all done, and phone number changed. etc.
I just did exposure with my family, his family, and with our kids when we get home in Friday. He was on the calls as well (I don't remember if that was ok?)

I rearranged my work to get a two night getaway, and we just arrived at our hotel. WTF am I supposed to do now? It feels like "normal" except inside my head. He has been loving and supportive, but I keep waiting for any sign of something wrong.
Posted By: TheResilientOne Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/28/17 07:38 PM
I also printed ALL the questionnaires and we are going through those tonight as well.

It just feels like playing house sometimes, and I am fearful of planning anything in the future in case he slips up. And I love planning things, so that is hard.
Posted By: Prisca Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/28/17 08:12 PM
You said they met at work on a call -- is that something that could happen again?

Do I understand correctly that his work requires him to spend the night a part from you?

Have you read about UA time? How much time are you getting alone together, and what are you doing during that time?

If she lives only 30 minutes away, you may need to move. And if he is working nights away from you, he should change jobs. Jobs that keep couples apart overnight are risky for marriages that haven't been touched by an affair, and they are incompatible with marriages recovering from an affair.

Do you have any religious leaders? If so, they should be told about the affair.
Posted By: armymama Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/28/17 08:12 PM
Since she is military, expose the affair to her command structure. Is she married? I didn't see anyone close to her on the exposure list.
Posted By: Prisca Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/28/17 08:16 PM
Quote
It just feels like playing house sometimes, and I am fearful of planning anything in the future in case he slips up.
What you need to plan is making your marriage affair-proof. Make it so that it would be impossible for either of you to have an affair without the other knowing immediately. This plan will do that for you.
Posted By: TheResilientOne Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/28/17 09:36 PM
She is divorced. I am hoping she transfers quickly as she has no one for thousands of KM. I am not thinking it matters to expose at her work as it is no crime to them here.
He has the ability to not answer any calls to the military base, but again, I wouldn't know.
I also travel for work occasionally, and I do try to take the family, but sometimes the flights would be too much for all of us. I work long hours when away, and am usually only gone a few days.
He is now reading my post, as I said he has free access to my phone. The moving and changing jobs threw him for a loop, but he will if needed.
Posted By: armymama Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/29/17 12:55 AM
How do you know she is divorced? Did you independently verify that information or did your husband tell you?

In most military, having an affair with a married person is against the code of uniformed military justice, even if the servicemember is not married. I am assuming you are not American, where it is clearly against the code and her command could issue a no contact order preventing her from contacting your husband.

The main point is that there is no exposure on her side. She is free to contact your husband anytime she likes. And you're right, you wouldn't know because they can meet up during work.

You have made a huge mistake in telling your husband about this site. Read the "False Recovery" thread to understand what happens when a betrayed spouse prematurely trusts their wayward husband/wife.

BTW, my husband also had PTSD from his military deployments. It was tricky to tease out PTSD from affair fog. Much of his behavior was related to the affair, and not a manifestation of his PTSD, i.e. he acted to any other run-of-the-mill wayward. And PTSD should not be afforded as an excuse to have an affair.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/29/17 01:23 AM
I was thinking the same. How do you know she's divorced? Who on her side did you expose to?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/29/17 01:24 AM
Have you seen this and listened to the clips in here? What is Just Compensation?
Posted By: TheResilientOne Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/29/17 01:27 AM
In my country, the records are only available by either party involved or by court order. That is quite frustrating for me. I have rented villas in the US before, and
I could find out every single thing about the house and it's owner in 5 minutes online...
I will read on false recovery now, as that is exactly my fear, and why I remain so guarded.

I see the PTSD as a separate issue as well.

Should
I am even bother going over the questionnaires we did separately? Or should .I be waiting for discussions? I thought we were supposed to do it during our daily time?
Posted By: TheResilientOne Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/29/17 01:29 AM
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
I was thinking the same. How do you know she's divorced? Who on her side did you expose to?

I have no one to expose on her side. She is alone here, no social media, no common friends. I can call her work, but I can't see what they can do, as they will not do anything to her professionally...
Posted By: TheResilientOne Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/29/17 01:35 AM
Originally Posted by armymama
You have made a huge mistake in telling your husband about this site. Read the "False Recovery" thread to understand what happens when a betrayed spouse prematurely trusts their wayward husband/wife. .

I didn't tell him about the site, he saw it on my phone. I thought I was not supposed to hide things, but maybe some things?
There are 200 threads with false recovery, can you please link me to it?
Thanks for all the help.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/29/17 01:53 AM
Here False Recovery- Need voices of experience
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/29/17 01:55 AM
Originally Posted by TheResilientOne
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
I was thinking the same. How do you know she's divorced? Who on her side did you expose to?

I have no one to expose on her side. She is alone here, no social media, no common friends. I can call her work, but I can't see what they can do, as they will not do anything to her professionally...
Do you have her name? And you have her number? Did you do an online check on her?
Posted By: TheResilientOne Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/29/17 02:30 AM
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by TheResilientOne
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
I was thinking the same. How do you know she's divorced? Who on her side did you expose to?

I have no one to expose on her side. She is alone here, no social media, no common friends. I can call her work, but I can't see what they can do, as they will not do anything to her professionally...
Do you have her name? And you have her number? Did you do an online check on her?

Yes, I have her name, number, and address. She is a ghost online, no social media, nada. I found one pic on FB, but she wasn't tagged, he showed me.
Posted By: goody2shoes Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/29/17 07:46 AM
Originally Posted by TheResilientOne
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by TheResilientOne
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
I was thinking the same. How do you know she's divorced? Who on her side did you expose to?

I have no one to expose on her side. She is alone here, no social media, no common friends. I can call her work, but I can't see what they can do, as they will not do anything to her professionally...
Do you have her name? And you have her number? Did you do an online check on her?

Yes, I have her name, number, and address. She is a ghost online, no social media, nada. I found one pic on FB, but she wasn't tagged, he showed me.
See if you can find more. Lots of people like their gym/dentist/pet's hairdresser/dog walker/local grocery store on FB. If you are a friend of a friend, you can see more on FB than if you are not connected.

If you google "her name" and "site:facebook.com", you might find FB connections. Same search words for images. You might find FB friends of hers this way.

Create a new FB account with a new e-mail adress and use it in a different browser (FB loves introducing you as "people you might know" to people you perhaps don't want to know). Friend people who are in the same gym/knitting club/gardening club/... and who play silly games. When you have 30 silly gaming friends, friend her possible friends and colleagues.

Good chance, all of a sudden you find quite a bit more on FB. If you pick the right "friends", is won't cost you a lot of time.
Posted By: TheResilientOne Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/29/17 11:33 AM
Originally Posted by goody2shoes
Originally Posted by TheResilientOne
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by TheResilientOne
[quote=BrainHurts]I was thinking the same. How do you know she's divorced? Who on her side did you expose to?
Do you have her name? And you have her number? Did you do an online check on her?

Yes, I have her name, number, and address. She is a ghost online, no social media, nada. I found one pic on FB, but she wasn't tagged, he showed me.
See if you can find more. Lots of people like their gym/dentist/pet's hairdresser/dog walker/local grocery store on FB. If you are a friend of a friend, you can see more on FB than if you are not connected.

If you google "her name" and "site:facebook.com", you might find FB connections. Same search words for images. You might find FB friends of hers this way.

Create a new FB account with a new e-mail adress and use it in a different browser (FB loves introducing you as "people you might know" to people you perhaps don't want to know). Friend people who are in the same gym/knitting club/gardening club/... and who play silly games. When you have 30 silly gaming friends, friend her possible friends and colleagues.

Good chance, all of a sudden you find quite a bit more on FB. If you pick the right "friends", is won't cost you a lot of time.

Sorry, I wasn't very clear, it's not that I couldn't find her on FB, she is not on FB (neither is my H). It is quite common here for military people to not have social media at all. If my H wants to look someone up, he just uses mine. I am trying other social media platforms, but also, around here, people tend to use a name that is not exactly their name to avoid people adding them that they don't want.

The huge thread on FR, was very good though! I had said most of those things to him... I do know that I am lucky enough to not have to worry about finances. I will go immediately to Plan B at the first sign of any contact, I can see enough from others losses on here that it will kill me slowly if I don't take back some control. BTW, that is one of the major things that both attracted him to me, and ultimately became the thing about me he doesn't like; my take charge attitude.
Posted By: Allan_Tweed Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/29/17 01:55 PM
I am guessing that you are here in Canada - based on the reference to km, I will speak with a friend of mine tonight (an MP) about the Military view of a member having an affair with a married civilian man, but my memory of Canadian Military Justice (from a long time ago) is that it isn't treated the same as it is in the US. An affair between an enlisted and an officer, or members serving together - a problem. But when one of the people is a member, and one isn't - not much of an issue (I could be wrong though). One being an MP, the other a civilian officer -that might have some leverage.

Also, on the moving front, there are only a few places in Canada (assuming I am correct) where you have city police, and MPs interacting - those places where a fair sized base is located close to a city (Ottawa, Edmonton, Toronto, Calgary, Halifax, Vancouver...a few others) The OW could fairly easily get a transfer to another base, and not knowing your work, but your husband could transfer to other police force in the country, or province, if he happens to be part of either of the provincial (OPP, SQP (discounting as I see no sign of French in your post)) or the RCMP a transfer would be possible - Ontario, and Quebec are large enough that you could move outside of easy contact distance without loosing any seniority etc. If a member of the RCMP - the whole country is open. If he is a member of a city service, not so easy, but my understanding is that most police forces are hiring.

Good luck.
Posted By: armymama Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/29/17 04:00 PM
Beware comments from foggy waywards. My husband made all kinds of comments about my personality traits. He hated that we had a planned ski vacation where I had made all the arrangements. The real reason he hated it was because he was out of communication from OW for a period of 10 days. If your husband really doesn't like your "take charge" attitude, read up on the Policy of Joint Agreement. However, know that it does not apply to the affair. Imagine if every wayward could use POJA to conduct their affair.

I think it is highly unusual that OW has no obvious friends or family. I'll ask again how you know she is not married. Did your husband tell you that or do you know independently?

AM

Posted By: apples123 Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/29/17 05:31 PM
Originally Posted by TheResilientOne
Originally Posted by armymama
You have made a huge mistake in telling your husband about this site. Read the "False Recovery" thread to understand what happens when a betrayed spouse prematurely trusts their wayward husband/wife. .

I didn't tell him about the site, he saw it on my phone. I thought I was not supposed to hide things, but maybe some things?
There are 200 threads with false recovery, can you please link me to it?
Thanks for all the help.


You also need to protect yourself. You don't have to tell him your strategy.

Did ask to see your phone?
Posted By: apples123 Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 06/29/17 05:33 PM
You need to change his number, other contact info, and download your own keylogger on his device. You also need to get a GPS device on his car.
Posted By: Allan_Tweed Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 07/05/17 11:44 AM
TheResilientOne,

Sorry, I did not see my buddy last week as I expected, but I did last night and asked him about MPs and Civilian Police Officers (again I am going on the assumption that you are in Canada).

As I asked the general question, he looked at me and said "Cr*******k" (there could have been an s on the end of the name - and not sure of the exact spelling -but this lets you know if we are talking about the same person).

Assuming I am right on the country, and we live near each other (across the river for my part - he (my buddy, his friend, and the OW) work on your side of the river) then the OW's former fiance is a buddy of his - he told me that her fiance - also an MP has left her, sold the house, and wants nothing to do with her.

Again this is going on assumptions on my part - but if you are in this country then the chances are that this is the same situation. The community of MPs here is about 900. Of those there are only about 50 female, and most of those 50 are not interested in men (sorry not sure the most PC way to say that). On top of that my buddy knows that the female MP in question was/is having an affair with a city officer.

On to the initial question- my buddy initially told me that there is nothing against the situation under the National Defence Act - other than it being a series of bad (stupid was the actual word) choices. Even trying conduct unbecoming the OW could argue that she has the right to associate with whomever she wishes (a Charter right). He will double check today though just to be sure. I expect to talk to him tomorrow night.

Sorry, this wasn't better news.

If I am correct, and we are talking about the same people do you want me to see if the OWs former partner is willing to share information? If so I believe the Mods can make a connection to exchange information - I don't know if the OWs Partner will or not - but if you like I can ask...

Good luck.
Posted By: TheResilientOne Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 07/06/17 10:12 AM
Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
TheResilientOne,

Sorry, I did not see my buddy last week as I expected, but I did last night and asked him about MPs and Civilian Police Officers (again I am going on the assumption that you are in Canada).

As I asked the general question, he looked at me and said "Cr*******k" (there could have been an s on the end of the name - and not sure of the exact spelling -but this lets you know if we are talking about the same person).

Assuming I am right on the country, and we live near each other (across the river for my part - he (my buddy, his friend, and the OW) work on your side of the river) then the OW's former fiance is a buddy of his - he told me that her fiance - also an MP has left her, sold the house, and wants nothing to do with her.

Again this is going on assumptions on my part - but if you are in this country then the chances are that this is the same situation. The community of MPs here is about 900. Of those there are only about 50 female, and most of those 50 are not interested in men (sorry not sure the most PC way to say that). On top of that my buddy knows that the female MP in question was/is having an affair with a city officer.

On to the initial question- my buddy initially told me that there is nothing against the situation under the National Defence Act - other than it being a series of bad (stupid was the actual word) choices. Even trying conduct unbecoming the OW could argue that she has the right to associate with whomever she wishes (a Charter right). He will double check today though just to be sure. I expect to talk to him tomorrow night.

Sorry, this wasn't better news.

If I am correct, and we are talking about the same people do you want me to see if the OWs former partner is willing to share information? If so I believe the Mods can make a connection to exchange information - I don't know if the OWs Partner will or not - but if you like I can ask...

Good luck.


You have me super intrigued, and even though the name spelling is mostly blocked out, I would like to know more. I really wish this was my situation, but where I live is not "across the river" from anywhere... And the community of MPs here is no where close to 900! But, I would like to be able to exchange info just in case, so the OWs partner (I don't think there is one in my case). How can we do that?
Posted By: Allan_Tweed Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 07/06/17 11:39 AM
Ok, Sorry, the 900 MPs is for all of Canada thus there about 50 female MPs in Canada, and many of them would not be interested in another persons husband...

Do the first and last letters (Cr and K (or Ks) match the first and last of the OW? Or it could actually be the OWs former partner - just thought of that-sorry not as helpful.

The term across the river refers to the Ottawa river, I was using it quite loosely as you could live an hour from the river, but it serves for location.

If that makes it clear where I am, and if we are then close to the same community such that this is possibly the same situation, the mods (I believe) can get your contact information to me, I will talk to my buddy, and see if he will pass it on to the OWs former fiance. It would be completely up to him if he wanted to contact you - if you explain that you are trying to save your marriage, and one of the steps to do this is the exposure (MelodyLane's link) to the OWs family etc and how this usually helps end affairs....
If I am wrong on the assumptions - i.e. you are not in Canada, or not in the area that Bono visited this week-end (and Prince Charles and Cam) (hints) then we aren't talking about the same people - which is statistically possible but in Canada very unlikely.

In any event I wish you luck and all the best.

Posted By: TheResilientOne Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 07/06/17 01:00 PM
Originally Posted by Allan_Tweed
Ok, Sorry, the 900 MPs is for all of Canada thus there about 50 female MPs in Canada, and many of them would not be interested in another persons husband...

Do the first and last letters (Cr and K (or Ks) match the first and last of the OW? Or it could actually be the OWs former partner - just thought of that-sorry not as helpful.

The term across the river refers to the Ottawa river, I was using it quite loosely as you could live an hour from the river, but it serves for location.

If that makes it clear where I am, and if we are then close to the same community such that this is possibly the same situation, the mods (I believe) can get your contact information to me, I will talk to my buddy, and see if he will pass it on to the OWs former fiance. It would be completely up to him if he wanted to contact you - if you explain that you are trying to save your marriage, and one of the steps to do this is the exposure (MelodyLane's link) to the OWs family etc and how this usually helps end affairs....
If I am wrong on the assumptions - i.e. you are not in Canada, or not in the area that Bono visited this week-end (and Prince Charles and Cam) (hints) then we aren't talking about the same people - which is statistically possible but in Canada very unlikely.

In any event I wish you luck and all the best.

LOL, I did totally get where you were, I was just sad that I now know you weren't talking about my situation ( I am in the city you guessed at earlier that is quite East).

The name you mention with the letters were shocking because I think the OW you are thinking of may have MY first name (there are not THAT many names that start with those letters...)!

My OW does have a child, and is (most likely, can't confirm) divorced, as her Ex is likely still in the military town in Ont that starts with a K...

I am laughing about how you speak about those 50 women in this job that wouldn't be interested in my H, gave me a chuckle, as it is quite true.

I have been working through the covert information, and I am quite confident that it didn't get as far as a PA (not that it matters). She seemed to be pressing for more, and he blew it all up with his crazy odd body language with me, and i just knew, and called him on it.

I also have spyware on his phone and in his car, and there doesn't appear to be any contact from him (he already blocked her, and changed his number). He has been deeply engaged and happy at home with me and the kids, which somehow makes me uneasy. I doubt everything he does and says, which I assume is normal.

I am just living with a nightmare right now, and am trying to work my way through this. I appreciate all your help, and it is nice to have someone from my own country offer assistance.
Posted By: Allan_Tweed Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 07/06/17 02:03 PM
Ok, I don't have (or don't know that I do) any contacts out there. My recommendation is to follow ML's and others advice, I wish I had been able to expose, and now it is possibly too late.

And not that it matters the letters are the first letter(s) and last letter(s) of the family name - no idea on the first.

I have posted some tips on using google searches, and FB to find people - didn't work for me to locate the OW. Check out the Operation Investigation boards.

I will talk to my buddy tonight - let him know that it is in a different community - wow the odds - and see if he might have some contacts out there - after all it is a small community - and you are in an even smaller one than here. Good luck.


Posted By: Allan_Tweed Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 07/06/17 02:22 PM
I just took a look - the way DND is in your city it looks like the two organizations probably interact alot. This means that they probably will run into each other again - unless she transfers - odd that with a child DND would post the parents so far apart. In her trade she could easily be posted to K-town, or even here - it would be much easier for visitation. If you know where her ex is, look him up - he may help you get names of her family and friends.

I just realized that we recently had a former Officer from your city join our organization. He moved across the 100th meridian though. So if you do consider moving, suggest to your H not to restrict his search to just traditional police forces. We take a lot of them - a few former military as well - but no MPs.
Posted By: TheResilientOne Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 07/06/17 02:51 PM
There can be a bit of interaction in their jobs, and that is a big concern for me, obviously. he has told me that he will not answer any MP calls anymore (but that is worth less than nothing).

I am a master at Google, and somehow have found her sister on FB. I know that I have to expose, but am not sure how. Her sister is a war widow, and lives in the largest ARMY base in my area; a base I am very well aware of (my son was born there, I was conceived there etc).

Any pointers on how to address this to her?

Ironically, I was more prepared to be in her sister's shoes mentally, than the ones I am currently wearing...

According to H, the OWs ex was PTSD, and abusive, so she transferred to get away after the divorce. I have a strong feeling since she has been NC, that she will end up at the base near her sister, or in Alta.

I am thinking of the moving, and am very conflicted. I have spent my ENTIRE life moving ( I was born on another Continent), and I just built a house in this city to try to put down some roots for my kids. I know H would be able to find work in your fair province as he is well revered in both his careers, I have been fighting my whole career to avoid your fair Province wink I am struggling with my job, as it is a very good job, and I will not likely be able to transfer ( I have been checking). I feel that I am able to be so strong in this because I could live relatively well on my own, if he contacts her ever again. If I gave that away by moving, i would feel EXTREMELY vulnerable. How do i resolve that fear?

Posted By: Allan_Tweed Re: New Here, New to all of this... - 07/06/17 03:24 PM
Ok,I ended up here not by choice - WW pulled me here. When we met she refused to leave.
I still struggle with the second language.

I get that you are trying to be delicate with OWs sister - I would ask those who have succeeded at exposure - there are example letters here that can be used and modified.

Also - sorry you can't trust what your H told you - the PTSD and abuse could be just lies from her (sympathy from your H) or a way to discourage you from reaching out to him.
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