Hello Marriage Builders forum

My wife and I have been married for 4 years next month. We have 5 total kids, 2 between us(2 youngest),they are 18, 16, 10, 5, and 4. In June of 2015 she had started an affair with a guy who lives approx 2.5 hours away, I believe it started at a wedding function for one of her friends in which she was in the wedding. She didnt come home the night of the actual wedding. No phone call or text and she would not respond to my phone call or text, and I confronted her about it then, she told me all the bridesmaids had to much to drink and just stayed there and made me feel like I was crazy. one of her friends came to me and told me about the affair. I was obviously at fault for this as well because I worked to much and really tried to control finances and she just seemed to go spend spend spend. At first we had a nice engaging conversation about this and how we could fix it, but that didnt seem to help and I ended up getting upset with her and probably even talked down to her regarding the situation.

Anyway after i found out about the affair, she continued to see the guy even tho she said it was done. Lots of lies and deception as well. Tried to go to therapy and actually started having phone sessions with Dr. harley and when he mentioned transparency etc, she stopped with the phone sessions. We tried and in Feb 2016 I filed for divorce. Well in April we both decided to reconcile and work on our marriage. For the past year I have read all your books as well as the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman and also have the audion version so I re-listen to that in my vehicle. I thought things were getting better but she doesnt seem to care about anyone but her self. I take our kids to school in the morning and pick them up. I take theem to activites all the time by myself, she doesnt like to come because she says the kids stress her out. She will not communicate with me hardly at all. I make the money and pay the bills and she works 2 days a week which pays for our health insurance. Everything else is on me and i do not feel appreciated at all. She has a credit card with a 2k limit in which she uses for groceries and gas and I pay that every month. In the last 1 1/2 I have worked hard on being "quick to listen and VERY slow to speak", really think about something you are going to say before you say it. I have tried hard on eliminating love busters but even the hard conversations she will not communicate, like the oldest sons college tuition and the plan to take care of it etc. I feel like I am working hard on our marriage and she could care less.

So now she starts acting weird and going for long drives and the last few weekends I have taken the kids out of town for a few days to enjoy themselves, ofcourse she does not wanna go. Then she lies to me about her work shift and I catch her showing up at a later time. All things she did a year ago, She still has her on phone account so i cannot even look at that. Then all of a sudden when I ask her what is going on she blows up and says she cannot do this anymore, she is not happy here. Then I see her friend has friended this guy she had the affiar with on FB, I know she is in contact with him and I would like some help on how to seperate the right way? I feel like I do everything for her and she has become spoiled, and this is the only way. I have a place set up for me to move since I will not kick my wife out of the house with 5 kids. but how do I do this to HELP our marriage.

Hi KDK, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. When I read through your post, I was thinking to myself "she married him for the financial support." My suspicion is that this is what happened and she views you as an ATM.

You can't force your wife to work on your marriage against her will. My suggestion would be to make plans to separate and file for separation/divorce to protect yourself legally. Do it while she is likely in an affair, which will make her less likely to fight you. I am sorry you are in this position.

I would also quietly do some snooping, get the facts and expose her affair, if any. Everyone should know what she is doing, especially your children.

I just talked to my legal counse and since I have a prenup I am really at any risk. Also when I filed for divorce a year ago it was never dismissed. How do I tel her and the kids that I am getting my own place? Make no mistake I want this marriage to work I am not trying to get a divorce but if it happens it is what it is.

I would first spy and find out what she is doing. Get the evidence, come back here and we will help you with next steps.

If you expose nad she won't end her affair, then you would want to make plans to separate. You would tell and the kids why and where you are going. You should get a custody plan in place before you do that. Don't you have 2 kids from a previous marriage? If so, they would need to live with you.

How did you two meet? We're either of your married when you met?

So basically you have been in Plan A for the last year, but it sounds like your wife never fully ended the affair (still had contact) or committed to recovery. Is that accurate?

Did you ever expose her affair when it first happened?

Yes I did expose the affair a year ago, yes she was previously married but I have not been

Was she married when you met her?

Yes she was married when I met her

Did your relationship begin as an affair? What were the circumstances that led to your relationship?

Yes it started as an affair yes

Have you listened to the radio clips in here? Affairage radio clips....

What happened? How did you meet her?

She was married and we met thru mutual friends, she had only been married for a little over a year and it was well known she was not happy. Her husband had 3 kids with his ex and the ex supposedly made life hell for her. This is the story I got from the mutual friends so I didnt think anything of it. I had not ever been married. Also she was married prior to that as well

One starts to wonder if all her relationships started during previous marriages, one after another.

oh i know, I have definitely thought about that.

I would put money on it.

For the record, it does not matter if she was unhappy in her marriage. She should get a divorce and then date again as a single woman. So that was not an excuse then anymore than it is now. I'm sure she tells everyone how terrible her life with you is now, just as she has before. It is standard wayward behavior to vilify their spouse so that people judge them less for their own behavior.

The problem for you now is that you are not just dealing with a garden variety affair. You are likely dealing with a serial cheating long term wayward, who is very set in her wayward lifestyle and mentality. It will be difficult to change that mentality and get her to agree to the kind of lifestyle she will need to protect you from more affairs.

Another problem is that you are in an 'affairage.' Affairages have a much lower success rate than even normal marriages, which as you know is already pretty low.

The advice to try and get her to end her affair and recover your marriage would be to Plan A her. You can certainly do this but I don't have much hope with this long term wayward mindset you are up against.

She may not be happy in this marriage and therefore, is branching out. You can't very well object since you volunteered for this. This is very likely her pattern. Did you ever ask yourself if it was a good idea to marry a cheater?

To expand on unwritten's comment, Dr Harley, clinical psychologist with 50 years experience, has never been able to save an affairage. He discusses affairages in this radio clip: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2233

Hate to say it, kdk, but, "For whom the bell tolls; it tolls for you."

I would follow through on the divorce...Hopefully, a lesson has been learned.

This is wayward thinking on your part, that it's OK to date a married person so long as they are "unhappy" or whatever other excuse a person uses to cheat while married.

Do you realize that?

Yes, in just one year she was so unhappy *with the ex wife* that she decided it was a good idea to have an affair *on her husband.* Sounds totally rational

I do realize and understand that now

I totally agree, now.

I am very sorry that you find yourself in this situation, especially as there are children involved. You may want to contact Dr. Harley via the radio show to get advice from him directly and free. This will give you the best possible opportunity.

If she is bothered by the children, you may be able to get them in case of divorce, but if she is not getting anyhing from you financially in case of a divorce, she may rediscover her love for them as they become leverage.

She is probably telling others the same things about you that she told you about the ex-husband and her friends are a bunch of enablers. Maybe you can compare notes with the ex-husbands to gain useful information.

Even if her behaviour is very selfish, you cannot be sure she is doing this on purpose. Many times, subconcious mechanisms of novelty seeking and of temperament come into play and some people have a very low threshold for justifying this kind of behaviour in themselves. So even if the pattern is obvious to us, she may feel "it just happened".

Please take the high road here and in case you do divorce her, do not start a new relationship while still married on paper. You can try to teach your children you stand for your marriage, even if you made a grave mistake when meeting her. They are still young, but are old enough to understand that if you are married you don't kiss other people. They will be appreciative later in life.

Have you exposed to your children?

I have not exposed to any of the 5 children. They are 18,16,10,5 and 4. The 2 youngest are ours together. I think she may have the 2 oldest brain washed and I Really don't know how to tell the young kids. Do you feel I should expose to the older ones even tho she is in there head? And how do you tell a 4, 6 and 10 year old?

Yes, Dr. Harley advises to expose to children as young as 4. Here is an excellent thread to help you expose to children.
Exposing to Children