Anger and resentment when you had the affair - 12/27/17 11:36 AM
Hello, I am hoping to receive some advice about resentment in a marriage. The irony of my situation is that I was the one that had the affair and yet I am unable to move on from the hurt that I am feeling.
I will start at the beginning. My husband and I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children, aged 15 and 17. I would describe our relationship as very passionate at the beginning and quite accommodating for both sides. We married when I was 22 and my husband was 27. This is my husband�s second marriage and he has a son, aged 24, from his first marriage. I was told immediately about his previous marriage when dating and was excited and happy to accept this child into my (our) lives. His son visited us regularly while living with his mother and we now have fairly regular contact with him, his spouse and children. I would say we have also been successful and strong parental guides for our other two children as well. They are doing very well at school and beyond and I believe we are and have provided a very loving home for them.
My husband started a successful business 10 years ago and has never been out of work. I was very proud of him for pursuing his passion to start his own business as his extended family was not supportive of such a venture. He has worked from home and often has clients over for meetings. This did not please me as I felt it was an invasion into our home but after many discussions we did not come to any compromise. I would also describe my husband as a workaholic but I also did not communicate the sadness that this caused me. I do recall many nights, weekends; holidays spent waiting for my husband to finish work so that we could be together as a family or a couple. I do believe that a childhood spent with very little money in a single mother family has caused a lot of anxiety for my husband as he does believe that it is his role to ensure that he is never in that situation again. The need for financial security is immense even when I have shown him that we are very financial now and should be able to enjoy a little bit of R&R. My husband has not taken any substantial time off since the business started.
I also worked part time outside of the business and would also help with the financial side of the business. I did feel that there was a total lack of engagement from my husband in our family life for approximately the last 5 years as I was left to deal with the children�s schooling, activities and family duties as he concentrated more and more on the business. He suffered several mini breakdowns as he continued to work extreme hours and I tried to help him navigate a more successful work life balance by trying to schedule some relaxation and family time into his working week. He would try to accommodate it but would quickly slip back to a frantic work pace always believing he should take the work while it was there and save for a rainy day to protect his family�s financial security. My husband also had a heart issue that turned out to be a bit of a wakeup call for him a couple of years ago. He decided to get fit so he took up cycling which did allow him to clear his mind at the end of day. I believe this was very beneficial to his mental state however he did decide on several occasions to work (tinker) on his bike before spending time with our family. This hurt but I do understand that this choice was never malicious as he found the activity to be a complete break from work.
I believe that I was more than happy to be the giver (as stated on your website) for many years but I truly snapped into the taker mode in August this year. My birthday was in August and we have a very large show that comes to town which I love to attend. I got up on my birthday (a Saturday) and my husband asked what I wanted to do for my birthday. I stated that I wanted to go the show. His reply was��I don�t really like the show but I will drop you off and will meet you later�. I was a little shocked but went to the show and enjoyed the time on my own. I had a couple of hours alone but was then joined by sister and cousin for the remainder of the day as they both know how fond I am of the show and they wanted to see me for my birthday. That evening my husband brought in my daughter to see me at the show. I was watching the nighttime entertainment but he wanted to see the pavilions so we left our spot and moved around the show. Eventually, we returned to watch the show as most of the pavilions were closed by that stage. I was quite upset by that stage but true to form did not really communicate my sadness. I am not the best communicator and I am definitely a people pleaser. This has not worked well for me or my neck which is constantly sore and stiff.
I went to sleep that night thinking that I really could�ve had a much better day on my own. I could�ve got myself a gift, spent some time on myself and really didn�t need worry anymore about what my family could arrange for me on my birthday. I think I found it so upsetting as I do try and make their birthdays so memorable and really consider them when buying them gifts. I awoke the next day to learn that one of my very close childhood friends had died the night before (my birthday) after battling a year long fight with pancreatic cancer. I was shattered. We were very close when teenagers and had talked fairly often through his battle. He was always so positive so I had always thought he would get through it and I had never lost anyone close to my age like that before.
As I struggled with the shock my husband came to me and said that he realized that he had not done enough for my birthday and would take me out for a meal the following night. It got to the time we were meant to leave and he was working on his bike. He looked at me and said, �where are you going?� We went out after I told him he was meant to be taking me out and we went to a local restaurant but I don�t think either of us enjoyed the occasion. I was very checked out by this stage.
A week later I flew down on my own to attend the funeral in another state. My family was there with their spouses but my husband did not attend. I was completely checked out by this stage. I was flying home and met someone on the plane. I was in total shock when they gave me their business card. I did not feel attractive at all.
The affair started from then. I truly went into the taker mode. I did just enough to get by. I disengaged from my family and thought about myself only. I lied continually, I got a second phone and I did whatever I could to continue contact with this person. After 2 months I ended the affair. I have no contact and never wanted a permanent relationship with this person. I actually would love to be on my own. I know my husband had a couple of years on his own after the breakdown of his first marriage and I crave that as I have never been on my own.
My husband has totally turned his life around. As soon as he understood the pain I was feeling he changed. He had to endure 2 months of the affair. He is now engaged in the family. He helps with all domestic duties, he is planning upcoming events and is continually communicating with me about his future plans. He has forgiven me for the affair and taken on his role in the relationship issues we were having. The problem is that I cannot move on. I know it is ridiculous as I had the affair and my head is saying that logically my husband should have left me for such a betrayal. I still cannot get over the hurt I am feeling. I know that I did not communicate well with my husband and that I need to acknowledge that but I still get stuck in a negative loop of anger. I feel I have given so much and seeing my friend die at such an early age I do not want to give away any more of my life.
I also feel a real need to be on my own to find my own identity. My children are my life and I am so excited for them as they enter the next phase of their lives after school and into their careers and I want that excitement for me as well. I feel we are both very positive, attractive people but I am just not sure that we are able to fulfill each other like we used to. I would like to know if I can work through this resentment with my husband. I am concerned that I am continually hurting him when I sink back into the negative loop.
Thanking you for your time.
I will start at the beginning. My husband and I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children, aged 15 and 17. I would describe our relationship as very passionate at the beginning and quite accommodating for both sides. We married when I was 22 and my husband was 27. This is my husband�s second marriage and he has a son, aged 24, from his first marriage. I was told immediately about his previous marriage when dating and was excited and happy to accept this child into my (our) lives. His son visited us regularly while living with his mother and we now have fairly regular contact with him, his spouse and children. I would say we have also been successful and strong parental guides for our other two children as well. They are doing very well at school and beyond and I believe we are and have provided a very loving home for them.
My husband started a successful business 10 years ago and has never been out of work. I was very proud of him for pursuing his passion to start his own business as his extended family was not supportive of such a venture. He has worked from home and often has clients over for meetings. This did not please me as I felt it was an invasion into our home but after many discussions we did not come to any compromise. I would also describe my husband as a workaholic but I also did not communicate the sadness that this caused me. I do recall many nights, weekends; holidays spent waiting for my husband to finish work so that we could be together as a family or a couple. I do believe that a childhood spent with very little money in a single mother family has caused a lot of anxiety for my husband as he does believe that it is his role to ensure that he is never in that situation again. The need for financial security is immense even when I have shown him that we are very financial now and should be able to enjoy a little bit of R&R. My husband has not taken any substantial time off since the business started.
I also worked part time outside of the business and would also help with the financial side of the business. I did feel that there was a total lack of engagement from my husband in our family life for approximately the last 5 years as I was left to deal with the children�s schooling, activities and family duties as he concentrated more and more on the business. He suffered several mini breakdowns as he continued to work extreme hours and I tried to help him navigate a more successful work life balance by trying to schedule some relaxation and family time into his working week. He would try to accommodate it but would quickly slip back to a frantic work pace always believing he should take the work while it was there and save for a rainy day to protect his family�s financial security. My husband also had a heart issue that turned out to be a bit of a wakeup call for him a couple of years ago. He decided to get fit so he took up cycling which did allow him to clear his mind at the end of day. I believe this was very beneficial to his mental state however he did decide on several occasions to work (tinker) on his bike before spending time with our family. This hurt but I do understand that this choice was never malicious as he found the activity to be a complete break from work.
I believe that I was more than happy to be the giver (as stated on your website) for many years but I truly snapped into the taker mode in August this year. My birthday was in August and we have a very large show that comes to town which I love to attend. I got up on my birthday (a Saturday) and my husband asked what I wanted to do for my birthday. I stated that I wanted to go the show. His reply was��I don�t really like the show but I will drop you off and will meet you later�. I was a little shocked but went to the show and enjoyed the time on my own. I had a couple of hours alone but was then joined by sister and cousin for the remainder of the day as they both know how fond I am of the show and they wanted to see me for my birthday. That evening my husband brought in my daughter to see me at the show. I was watching the nighttime entertainment but he wanted to see the pavilions so we left our spot and moved around the show. Eventually, we returned to watch the show as most of the pavilions were closed by that stage. I was quite upset by that stage but true to form did not really communicate my sadness. I am not the best communicator and I am definitely a people pleaser. This has not worked well for me or my neck which is constantly sore and stiff.
I went to sleep that night thinking that I really could�ve had a much better day on my own. I could�ve got myself a gift, spent some time on myself and really didn�t need worry anymore about what my family could arrange for me on my birthday. I think I found it so upsetting as I do try and make their birthdays so memorable and really consider them when buying them gifts. I awoke the next day to learn that one of my very close childhood friends had died the night before (my birthday) after battling a year long fight with pancreatic cancer. I was shattered. We were very close when teenagers and had talked fairly often through his battle. He was always so positive so I had always thought he would get through it and I had never lost anyone close to my age like that before.
As I struggled with the shock my husband came to me and said that he realized that he had not done enough for my birthday and would take me out for a meal the following night. It got to the time we were meant to leave and he was working on his bike. He looked at me and said, �where are you going?� We went out after I told him he was meant to be taking me out and we went to a local restaurant but I don�t think either of us enjoyed the occasion. I was very checked out by this stage.
A week later I flew down on my own to attend the funeral in another state. My family was there with their spouses but my husband did not attend. I was completely checked out by this stage. I was flying home and met someone on the plane. I was in total shock when they gave me their business card. I did not feel attractive at all.
The affair started from then. I truly went into the taker mode. I did just enough to get by. I disengaged from my family and thought about myself only. I lied continually, I got a second phone and I did whatever I could to continue contact with this person. After 2 months I ended the affair. I have no contact and never wanted a permanent relationship with this person. I actually would love to be on my own. I know my husband had a couple of years on his own after the breakdown of his first marriage and I crave that as I have never been on my own.
My husband has totally turned his life around. As soon as he understood the pain I was feeling he changed. He had to endure 2 months of the affair. He is now engaged in the family. He helps with all domestic duties, he is planning upcoming events and is continually communicating with me about his future plans. He has forgiven me for the affair and taken on his role in the relationship issues we were having. The problem is that I cannot move on. I know it is ridiculous as I had the affair and my head is saying that logically my husband should have left me for such a betrayal. I still cannot get over the hurt I am feeling. I know that I did not communicate well with my husband and that I need to acknowledge that but I still get stuck in a negative loop of anger. I feel I have given so much and seeing my friend die at such an early age I do not want to give away any more of my life.
I also feel a real need to be on my own to find my own identity. My children are my life and I am so excited for them as they enter the next phase of their lives after school and into their careers and I want that excitement for me as well. I feel we are both very positive, attractive people but I am just not sure that we are able to fulfill each other like we used to. I would like to know if I can work through this resentment with my husband. I am concerned that I am continually hurting him when I sink back into the negative loop.
Thanking you for your time.