Hi y’all,

So my husband’s having an affair.

He moved out nearly a year ago “to think things through” after had a couple of stupid fights. I know he told some coworkers about it and obviously one listened a bit too attentively and my husband wasted no time and disappeared head first into that affair.

He’s had a complete personality transplant, everything that’s ever been important- me, us, our kids, our lives together, that he was so confident with, his job, friends, hobbies, himself - nothing mattered.
He even said he can’t control it.
I discovered and the affair was exposed in June 2020. I think it started to slow down a bit in August, he started to spend way more time with the kids, hobbies returned, he sometimes resembles himself, he has stopped talking about getting a divorce,) but they’ve been living together since October (signed the lease in Jun at the peak of the craziness).

I only recently read “How to Survive an Affair” and it offered great relief and understanding.
We still have some contact regarding the kids. He’s been quite mean for a while (I never bought it, though), but that crazy anger subsided. There’s less of that blind pushing forward, but instead, guilt. With so little contact it’s difficult to tell if it’s a blissful union or if he’s struggling or even having a depression, I often wonder if that’s the case for him. He is, after all, still in the affair.

My plan is focussing on my and the kids’ well-being until the affair dies. And then see what is possible in terms of reconciling our marriage.

Now with things getting close to a year and also the upcoming holidays I’m struggling a bit and I guess am looking for some encouragement that nearly all affairs DO die within 2 years.

I hope exposure and now living in real life will accelerate its demise. Is that realistic? Are there timelines for that kind of situation?

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

Who all did you expose to? Is the OW married?

Are you in Plan B? If so, do you have an IM?

How long have you been married? How old are the both of you? How old are your children?

How did he meet OW?

Maybe to clarify, he’s never asked for getting a divorce, but he wanted to discuss the separation process. Where we live we have to live legally separated for 1-3 years until we can file for divorce.
I told him I’d be happy to learn from past mistakes and rebuild our marriage even stronger once he’s willing to drop the mistress. Thus I’m not taking legal actions.

He hasn’t either- yet. He brought it up twice again, last time in August, and I just reminded him of my answer.

Everyone knows- workplace, family, friends. I’m surprised that a lot of people think it’s normal. Happens all the time. I should just divorce him. That’s why I don’t talk a lot with people, I am not wasting my energies here.

OW is his 20 years younger secretary, not married, no kids.

As I read the book just a month ago we’re not really in Plan B, there’s still some contact- I don’t know if I should go no contact now.
I did pretty much of plan A and also told him basically the content of the plan B letter. I’ve backed off, let the affair run its course. I saw a coach to handle my emotions, I’m just being myself. Not buying his fantasy, not freaking out, not playing games. He’s so much of a stranger anyway, I’m doing fine for the time being- though I wish it’d be ending sooner rather than later.

We’ve been married for 18 years, kids 15 and 12, I’m 40 and he’s 45.

Sorry I can’t figure out what an IM is.

An IM is intermediary which you will need when you go to Plan B.

So did you do the exposure like Dr. Harley talks about in Surviving an Affair? If so, what did you say? Who on OW's side have you exposed to?

Have you told your children?

Please read Exposure 101

Also please read Exposing to Children

Welcome to MB. I'm really sorry to hear about these events.

I don't have time to post much now, but as they are now living together, you should be in Plan B. You should not have any direct contact with him.

Don't concern yourself about whether the affair will die within two years. There is a good chance that it will, but it might be one of the few that does not. Instead, focus on the protection that Plan B offers.

If Brainy is still online, she will help you with Plan B. She is an MB expert.

Yes, as SugarCane said you should be in Plan B. Please read How to Plan B Correctly

Yes our kids do know.

This was in June. My goal was to kill the secrecy, knowing it would only fuel the adrenaline excitement. I told our families, friends, his workplace people.
I told them they were having an affair and I wanted our marriage. Which most people instantly scolded me for. A few friends cut contact with him.

No one on OW’s side, I wouldn’t know how to contact anyone, I don’t know OW’s family, no FB friends, a surname like Smith.

They’re already living together.

Yes, I read and understand Plan B.


Whether it should or shouldn’t 🌻 the timeline is what really bothers me, the experiences you have here.
Nearly all die within 2 years- I’d guess living in real life would speed things up compared to affairs where they spend less time and don’t have responsibilities and a daily life together.

Wait...what?

Nonononono.

You do realise that the affair had already begun before he moved out, and that's what made it attractive for him to move out, don't you?

His co-worker did not listen attentively and decide to snare him. She had already snared him! This affair was quite deeply entrenched if he was prepared to leave his wife and kids for her. Most married men want both the affair and the marriage; they do not leave their families for a piece of trash - but he did. You need to see that.

Add: and him spending at least most of the weekends with the kids, that’d really suck if I were OW.

I’m reading the link on plan B- id really love to hear a little about the process why “they all will say they want to come back”.
That seems just such a complete turnaround I wonder if it’s really possible.
Basically we’re Sue and Jon, and he’s so willingly and crazily quick given up all his life!

My greatest concern with PlanB is that it will fall back on the kids. Husband’s already calling them when he’s lonely, and I wouldn’t want them to be messengers or negotiate schedules or be his emotional support.

I don’t know if that matters.
The OW happened to meet a need when it wasn’t met in the marriage.
She had started working there just a couple of months earlier, so even if it started earlier, what does it change?
He left for a piece of trash and a fantasy life, I do know.

He's been having both the affair and his marriage while you maintain contact with him. He is getting some of his key needs met by her and some by you.

Does he visit the children at your house? This needs to stop. In future he needs to collect the children and have them at his place.

Plan B is the only thing likely to speed up the demise of the affair now that it is so established. As long as you meet his need for family commitment by showing him that he can come and go while his kids are well cared for by you, the kids can be off his conscience and he can get on with the affair when he goes back to his place. You need to fix the kids in his conscience by removing your support for him when he visits.

Are you sounding a bit strict?

Well established affairs still die a natural death?
I think it was in the book too, having to face reality helps the affair to die, and what more reality could there be?

I really didn’t have much of a say- when I learned about the affair they had just signed that lease. That was the peak of that crazy anger, all that blame (for everything, and for OW being jealous), the “we’ve never been happy”, when he was trying to make me give up.

I understood the principles of emotional needs being met and agree that I mustn’t meet them as long as he’s involved with someone else.
Initially I did my best to fix the issue in our marriage, to meet his needs- it’s never been my intention to not meet his needs.
But I’ve backed off since they moved in, or a little earlier. As I said, I hope it will crash just as quickly as it built up, and I better take care of myself until then.

I’m not reacting emotionally, angrily, beg, discuss, cajole, tend his wounds, play games, whatever. I haven’t gone NC yet, but we have very little contact. So it’s very hard for me to tell what’s going on.

So, sometimes at least, it’s easy to picture their blissful union and feel rather hopeless, instead of believing he’s having any kind of depression and misery and it will change any time soon. Because if he did, he could drop her.
That’s why I’m here!! To learn about how affairs usually die.

He never sees the kids at our place?! He doesn’t have free access either.
He’s taking them out for dinner, the movies etc, or at the weekends is taking them to his place. Which I don’t really like. He’s taking his share in buying them clothes and have their hair cut and driving them to birthday parties. They are teenagers, they don’t need me to make arrangements with him.

The first months after he left he saw them quite often. After two months just like Sunday afternoon, sometimes not even that, they didn’t hear from him in a week.
For me that was the craziest part, he’s always been really involved in their lives, I guess that was when the affair really took off.

5 months later complete turn around, he missed them picked them up Friday, Saturday, Sunday, plus one night per week. Without OW.
That was when the anger stopped, too.
He’s still trying to see them as much as possible, though they want to see their friends and do their stuff too, so not as often as he’d like to. But he texts and calls them.
I don’t see him when he picks them up. Though I happen to see him through the window when he dropped them so I know he lost a lot of weight, and he’s been slim anyway.
Yes, our kids are cared for by me.

Excuse me?

If my tone offends you I'll stay away.

No, I’m sorry, maybe I’m a bit sensitive. Didn’t mean to offend you.

Have your kids said anything to their father about his affair? Has anyone said anything to him?

Can you figure out a way to find the OW’s parents to expose to?

From what I can tell most people seem to find it normal. Maybe it’s my perception.
It’s really odd, he always wanted me to know his coworkers, just a little over a year ago they would tell me he’d be talking a lot about me and us and was really proud of his family and just a few months later it’s normal to break up.
The kids sometimes are mad at him, but they miss him too and don’t want to lose him.
I should think her family know by now, but no I wouldn’t know how to find them.

Guess that’s why I’m focusing on the timeline so much. I don’t think I can do much until he’s out of it. So that’s my hope.
I’m hoping for that protective bubble to break and the passion and fantasy to fade. And I’m hoping the longest part is the secrecy and craziness and fantasy.

Thanks for helping me.

Hi Yellow, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sugarcane is not "strict," but strategic. She knows what works because she has been here for years and is telling you what works best. This is the advice you will also get from Dr. Harley. What she told you is true, that as long as he has access to the house he can behave like everything is normal. You are unknowingly propping up the affair. The OW appreciates that, but it does nothing to help your marriage.

I would strongly suggest you keep an open mind if you want the best chance of saving this. Sugarcane is one of the most knowledgeable posters here and I would not recommended running her off.


The reality he should be facing is what divorce looks like. He doesn't get that glimpse if you continue propping up the affair. He should have to visit the kids from his home like most divorced parents.


Yes, it may crash, but it doesn't mean he will come back to you. You make yourself the LESS attractive option by making yourself available. That is not strategic. This is why Dr Harley recommends that betrayed wives go into Plan B after 3-4 weeks. You are well over that timeline.

Another reason Dr Harley recommends women go into Plan B sooner rather than later is because they suffer terrible emotional and physical fallout.
And let's say you are not actually trying to meet his needs as you mentioned earlier. Dr Harley calls that "Plan C," the worst of all plans. Plan C is giving him the cold shoulder but allowing him access to you. It is a state of limbo that serves to make the OW look more attractive. [she is not giving him the cold shoulder, after all]

Right now you and the OW are meeting his needs so he has the best of both worlds. He is also able to demonize you so the focus is on you. With you out of the picture, she will be forced to meet all his needs and the focus will be on their relationship. He will raise the bar on her because of all he "sacrificed" for her. She will not be able to meet his needs and that is when the fighting starts. These relationships are always renters relationships where they keep score, after all.



I am confused now. You told Sugarcane she was being "too strict" for giving you good advice and then you end by saying you have essentially been doing this? CONFUSED...

My suggestion would be to go into a strict Plan B, as Sugarcane advised, and remove yourself from the situation. Set up an intermediary, change your locks and send him a Plan B letter.

This would be a great place to start. Expose the affair at his workplace and especially to her family. If her family knows she is having an affair with a married man, it won't be so easy to slip him in as the "new guy." Have you read the exposure thread about workplace exposure? Dr Harley recommends exposing at the workplace.


Well, that is a longshot now because this has gone on for so long. But you can do alot to help that fantasy burst with some key exposures. When an affair goes on for a long time with no interference the fantasy is LESS LIKELY to burst. Sometimes they stay that way forever if the affair is protected.

Going into a dark Plan B before the holidays is very damaging to an affair because the WS sorely misses his family over the holidays. You can compound that damage by exposing to the OW's parents, family and friends, because won't allow your H to darken their doorsteps. Some may not allow him in their homes.

While it is a long shot, because this has gone on so long, this may be a great opportunity for you to cause conflict in the affair.

I also noticed you said your H left and THEN started his affair. That is not how it happened. He left because of his affair.

It changes everything because it is the cause of his leaving. Isn't the CAUSE important? If the cause is not important to you, I assure you it can be important to others. There is a huge difference in these narratives:

1. Husband and I fought alot and he moved out and met a new lady at work

2. Husband had a workplace affair and abandoned his family by moving in with the OW

HUGE DIFFERENCE. By telling the story the way you telling it, you give his affair cover and plausibility. That enables their affair at your expense.

The reason that exposure has been so ineffective is this:
This dishonest narrative gave the affair cover. The focus was placed on your MARRIAGE as the cause of the separation instead of the real reason. All waywards spin the truth this way: "I have been unhappy for years. I love you but am not in love with you. I need to move out to think." The objective is to move out DUE TO MARITAL PROBLEMS and then magically meet a new person. That is what they have done to you.

The window of exposure effectiveness has pretty much already closed with the exception of exposure to her family and the workplace. But it cannot be presented in the way you presented it above. People need to know he left for an affair. For those who heard the fake narrative it is pretty much a lost cause.

Hi MelodyLane

Thanks for your responses I do appreciate it.

The strict I felt a bit scolded when I was told the free access has to stop, because there’s never been free access, neither to me nor the house.

I certainly didn’t mean to run her off!

Ok I agree with plan B. I can’t change what happened so far.
So you’re saying 95% not lasting for two years isn’t total figures, but only when they are dealt with?


I can see where you’re coming from, with when did it start.
No however nasty fight is an excuse for having an affair. It just happened at a time when we were having an issue. That’s no reason to pick up the next available woman and move in with her. That’s just crazy, no matter what. Of course he told me he hasn’t been happy.., that’s just crap and justification.

But you’re right of course. I was believing it was about the fights and tried to fix that issue and not dismiss his needs any longer.
Of course the secrecy made it possible for the affair to grow, when I learned about it even the lease was signed.
Of course it was all lying and betrayal

So your plan is to expose to their workplace and find her family to expose to. What can you do to accomplish this?

Also get Plan B together. You read how to plan B, so who will be your IM and when will you be going into Plan B? Write your letter and post here for feedback.

Concentrate on your plan and you will start to feel better because you have a plan.

And hope SugarCane will come back because she is one of the best.

... and of course he was trying to sell it as a “relationship with his girlfriend” to friends and colleagues, but I had made it very clear that he was having an affair, and she’s his mistress.

I did expose it at his workplace- that he was having an affair with his secretary. And friends. A few cut contact with him, some tell me I have to accept it and just divorce him.
As for her family- no I don’t have an idea how to contact them.
Theres no Social Media, just a profile video showing her sitting on a bed in underwear. No friends, or any information. She moved here only last summer, they’re not living here.

IM figuring that out. Could be one of the friends that cut contact with him.

As for the letter. I’d stick to the template in Surviving an
Affair, just, as we don’t speak English, transfer it to my language.

A quick comment on something that maybe I missed earlier, but could you explain in further detail the workplace exposure? It seems unusual that a company would condone an affair between a manager and their direct report. Often this leads to disciplinary action or termination against the manager. It is the rare company that does not have policies against this due to the potential legal exposure. Have you tried to hurt the affair using the company's HR or Legal Dept.?

Blackhawk, I know all of his colleagues so I told them, his boss and team. This is so crazy, they KNOW us, me, our kids, even the dog and should know better than “that’s just how life happens”.
We met them for a bbq and a after work get together 3 and 1 month before he left...
We’re not living in the US, legally relationships are private and a company has no say in it, not even between boss and secretary. Private rights are protected by labor law. Actually Walmart tried to impose relationship restrictions a couple of years ago, but failed. Adultery is not a crime either.

You weren't being scolded, you were being helped by one of the best posters here.




I understand you can't change what has happened but the longer the affair goes on, the harder it is to bust it up and save the marriage. The wayward mind becomes more and more entrenched. This is why Dr Harley advocates these steps. When extraordinary measures are not taken early on, even if the affair does die a natural death, they tend to move onto the next affair.


Right. He was having the affair the whole time. He was also checked out and hostile towards you, I am guessing, which contributed to the fights.

So you have exposed to his boss and the VP of Human Resources in a FORMAL MANNER? What was their response? Did you read the Exposure 101 thread in my profile?


You must figure this out. Even if you have to hire a PI to do a background check finind her family. I have heard of getting this done for under $500. This is a critical step. Is she on Linkedin? Facebook? Does she have you blocked? Can others see her? Has your husband friended her or family members?

I would create a formal letter using the template in the Exposure 101 thread and send it to the VP of HR, and both their bosses, ccing all of them. The narrative needs to be CLEAR: my husband started an adulterous affair in teh workplace and has abandoned our family in pursuit of his affair.

Were they all told that your husband started an affair at work and abandoned his family for a workplace affair? Or were they all told the lies your H told them? "wife and I fought and separated, I met a new love at work?" That is whta they have been led to believe.

Probably both but I told them the former.

She has that Facebook profile but no friends. He doesn’t use Facebook. No family members. No other social media. I haven’t either.

I would use the template outlined in my exposure thread and send it to HR, a key VP and both their bosses. You will want to time this to hit at the same time you expose to her family.


Keep looking. Look to see if you see any likes on her posts/photos. You might be able to glean something from looking on their pages. Just keep racking your brain until you find something. Search everywhere, enlist a :PI if you have to.

On the workplace exposure, I fully agree with MelodyLane to formalize this exposure to the company if you have not already done so. Even if your current local country jurisdiction is reluctant to legally address these issues, large local companies - and definitely international companies - usually will still have policies and codes of conduct in place to address this even if not fully legally binding. They will not just forget about this problem, as from the HR side it is a significant problem for staff morale and recruiting because of potential perceptions of unfairness and favoritism by other staff, beyond the legal implications and liability. If his company is local and does project or outsourcing work for large international companies, this also could become a reputational issue for the company, at least in theory.

I would suggest a formal letter to the head of HR, copied to the head of Legal and/or head of Internal Audit. You have nothing to lose by taking this step, but it could help you strategically now or later down the road. You can also use this to establish the real narrative, not the one your manager husband and his secretary girlfriend have given everyone.

I wish you well and am sorry you are going through this.

While you are doing all of these things being suggested to you to try and put pressure on the affair, I want to also address your attitude towards the affair. It sounds to me like you are waiting in the wings for the affair to crumble, which is why you have not gone into a dark Plan B at this point. I would caution you against this. It is likely that at some point this affair will crumble and the more you help that along the better for everyone involved, most importantly your kids. But it is also possible that the affair does NOT crumble, and your husband and his OW live a long life together. I would start preparing yourself mentally and physically for that. For instance, if you have to be officially separated 1-3 years prior to divorce, then I would suggest you make sure you are officially separated. It doesn’t sound like you have made this official yet. YOU may get to the point where you are done with this and want to move on, and I would hate for you to not have had this in motion already. Also, make sure you are protecting yourself financially. It is very common for wayward spouses in an affair fog to blow through your entire savings. He is already footing the bill for his OW’s lifestyle as they live together. Do what you need to do legally to protect yourself financially. Also, start thinking about what you want to do with your own life, if that is return to school, change a career, start dance lessons, whatever. Self care is a very important part of Plan B and a way for you to focus on your own future that does not involve him, because it may not.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I would highly recommend looking more diligently at social media, if the OW is in her 20’s it would be very unusual for her to not have social media accounts. It is also an age where parental support and approval is important so finding her parents and exposing to them is key.

I’ve gone into plan B. I also found a sister of OW. My contact person tells me they had nasty reaction.

Self care and taking care of my life is what kept me going so far, and I had even pretty good times.

I love my husband but I’m not dependent financially, I have a career and friends and things I enjoy.

Anyway, I’m not feeling too much hope right now.
I know it’s probably in my head. But I’m struggling with maybe the man I loved is just gone and this is going on forever.

Did you expose to OW's sister? Did you ask her for her parent's contact information?

Do you have an IM? Did you write him a Plan B letter?

I did expose to OWs family, her parents want nothing to do with my husband at all. I have an IM who’s managing contact, who told me. Otherwise I have no idea what is going on.

So. It still is painful. I’m kind of hibernating.
I don’t know what effect there was on the affair, but my husband has been seeing the kids daily since, and the OW spent the weekend away at her sister‘s. My kids told me, I don’t know any details.

Still I’m struggling with hope. He seems so far away.

I don’t have much support here, as people tend to tell me I’m being stupid to even hope for reconciliation.
So I don’t discuss it.
Are there any reasons why affairs fail?

Yello, did you expose directly to the OW's family? Did you speak to her sister and her parents? I am confused about your exposure.

Did you also expose to the workplace as we suggested?

Have you written him a plan B letter? And how do you evade any contact with him?

My contact person told me they’re fighting, OW is pushing him to file.

I asked him to not tell me those details.

Can you try to find all relatives, friends, high school and college mates, previous job workmates of OW, and anyone in her circle you find? Also relatives of her parents which includes aunts and uncles and their grown up children aka cousins, etc. Expose far and wide.

Exposing OW to all these people will make it hard to hold a wedding and invite all these people, hard to marry your husband and hard to have children while all people know. She will have to think twice.

What country and/or city are you in? The answer to this may get some people here to tell you different ways you can navigate finding her relatives and friends and even how to be strategic in anything you do moving forward and resources in that country.

I have always found Melodylane's signature to be inspiring and make me not be afraid on doing the right thing and tell the truth no matter whatcotgers say.

.... "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101
.....

Can your contact and IM who helped you find OW's sister help you find more of OW's relatives and friends?

Ask the veterans here if you should expose to some of the sister's relatives and friends too.

Is OW on LinkedIn? If yes, take all her LinkedIn contact names, then find them on Facebook/Messenger and Instagram, and fire your exposure letter. If you cannot see her contact names make a fake LinkedIn profile with an attractive title or titles, connect with people at work place and previous workplaces. When you have about 10 send her a connect request and add a nice and sweet note commending gercwirk experience and on why you want to connect. Once she connects you will have access to all her LinkedIn contacts.

One thing I have here is that for those that have been able to expose by posting on OW, OM's FB profiles have successful busted thr affair. I know OW does not have FB but posting on Linkedin usinh both your LinkedIn and the fake LinkedIn could really shatter this affair to pieces. You have nothing to lose here anymore.

If you use your LinkedIn to post then use the fake one to share and write a few words for it to be seen by many people.

Thanks weirdsituation. The exposure is done.

They can’t marry, as even if he files which he hasn’t done yet, it will still be 3 years till a divorce would be finalised. Nearly all affairs die, and quicker then that.

They’re already fighting. She wants him to get divorced no matter what, he hasn’t even filed for legal separation (yet?) he doesn’t want to have me served. They are having financial issues. That’s what my contact person told me.

Anyway.