Needing some objectivity on Plan A - 11/27/21 09:59 PM
Hi all, I could use some objective opinions on a few things re: Plan A
High level: Married 14 years, 2 girls 10 & 13. Seemingly a wonderful marriage with usual ups & downs. My wife has a tendency to hide her emotions, which I have always known, but we have always been able to talk about them if/when needed (ie, I notice she is feeling/acting off and work on meeting her needs for safety in conversation so we can process). Fast forward to 2021, my wife's father (who she adores and deeply respects) passes in the summer. My wife single handedly kept her mom & sister together and planned his memorial. I supported her in this season and our relationship never seemed stronger with both of us feeling extremely connected and intimate. His memorial was in early August and my wife immediately starts to withdrawal and major personality changes start to take place, especially in September. Her family, friends, and I all all notice. She refuses to talk about it or see anyone to discuss her grief and this builds and becomes more challenging into October. Upon seeking her to seek a counselor (again), she reveals to me she is not in love with me and hasn't been so for a very long time. The passing of her father opened up so much in her about life being short, and now she is questioning her happiness and loneliness. I continue to support, listen, and encourage more discussion, dates, etc. This continues for several more weeks when I discover she has been having an affair with our neighborhood tennis coach (kids and adults) since early September. What results is weeks of lies, uncovering truth, and her declaring she has never been able to open up to me / be vulnerable, like she could with this other man. She admits the affair was a big mistake, and not only impacted our kids and friends, but so much more. However, she feels justified that the affair just proves how unhappy she is and that she cannot open to me.
I initiated Plan A, 3 weeks ago and have been doing my best through the process of meeting needs, encouraging full closure, and avoiding LBs. She says she doesn't talk to or see him anymore, I have no evidence to disprove this (I stopped looking as I was just so sick and tired of it) but has also avoided official closing the door on the relationship. It will be a long road ahead, but one I am gearing up for as my desire is the full (and better) restoration of our marriage and a chance to learn from this and truly make improvements together.
My questions:
1. Her stance that the affair was a mistake but proves long-standing unhappiness. Is this affair fog / disillusionment talking or something else? I know (and all of her friends/family) know she has been deeply in love throughout the large majority of our marriage. Suddenly, she seems so comfortable dismissing everything and using it to justify her stance.
2. I know her not officially closing the door to the affair is a problem, but she is also not ready to work on recovery/reconciliation. So, I believe I need to continue being patient, focusing on meeting needs and avoiding LBs and encouraging a final end as soon as possible. I don't trust that its over, but maybe I'm just being paranoid (for good reason). Should I be more forceful for this?
3. She says she wants to get help, but seems to keep finding reasons to delay or avoid an actual appointment happening. In my opinion, her actions are not yet saying she is committed to learning/growing through this. It feels like she's laying low, assessing her options, and trying to find the best path for her. Again, maybe this is affair fog, maybe this is manipulation, I honestly don't know. I assume I shouldn't care, but continue sticking to Plan A and focusing on myself -?
4. Plan A talks a lot about spending 15 hours/week on your relationship, etc. but right now she is fairly avoidant of me. She's sleeping in our guest room, doesn't really want to be together, she just wants to co-exist. We aren't kissing or having sex. Its hard to devote 15 hours/week to someone who doesn't seem interested, but I'm doing my best to do so with kindness and optimism vs force. Am I being too nice/accommodating here, or is this appropriate for early Plan A?
Thanks!
High level: Married 14 years, 2 girls 10 & 13. Seemingly a wonderful marriage with usual ups & downs. My wife has a tendency to hide her emotions, which I have always known, but we have always been able to talk about them if/when needed (ie, I notice she is feeling/acting off and work on meeting her needs for safety in conversation so we can process). Fast forward to 2021, my wife's father (who she adores and deeply respects) passes in the summer. My wife single handedly kept her mom & sister together and planned his memorial. I supported her in this season and our relationship never seemed stronger with both of us feeling extremely connected and intimate. His memorial was in early August and my wife immediately starts to withdrawal and major personality changes start to take place, especially in September. Her family, friends, and I all all notice. She refuses to talk about it or see anyone to discuss her grief and this builds and becomes more challenging into October. Upon seeking her to seek a counselor (again), she reveals to me she is not in love with me and hasn't been so for a very long time. The passing of her father opened up so much in her about life being short, and now she is questioning her happiness and loneliness. I continue to support, listen, and encourage more discussion, dates, etc. This continues for several more weeks when I discover she has been having an affair with our neighborhood tennis coach (kids and adults) since early September. What results is weeks of lies, uncovering truth, and her declaring she has never been able to open up to me / be vulnerable, like she could with this other man. She admits the affair was a big mistake, and not only impacted our kids and friends, but so much more. However, she feels justified that the affair just proves how unhappy she is and that she cannot open to me.
I initiated Plan A, 3 weeks ago and have been doing my best through the process of meeting needs, encouraging full closure, and avoiding LBs. She says she doesn't talk to or see him anymore, I have no evidence to disprove this (I stopped looking as I was just so sick and tired of it) but has also avoided official closing the door on the relationship. It will be a long road ahead, but one I am gearing up for as my desire is the full (and better) restoration of our marriage and a chance to learn from this and truly make improvements together.
My questions:
1. Her stance that the affair was a mistake but proves long-standing unhappiness. Is this affair fog / disillusionment talking or something else? I know (and all of her friends/family) know she has been deeply in love throughout the large majority of our marriage. Suddenly, she seems so comfortable dismissing everything and using it to justify her stance.
2. I know her not officially closing the door to the affair is a problem, but she is also not ready to work on recovery/reconciliation. So, I believe I need to continue being patient, focusing on meeting needs and avoiding LBs and encouraging a final end as soon as possible. I don't trust that its over, but maybe I'm just being paranoid (for good reason). Should I be more forceful for this?
3. She says she wants to get help, but seems to keep finding reasons to delay or avoid an actual appointment happening. In my opinion, her actions are not yet saying she is committed to learning/growing through this. It feels like she's laying low, assessing her options, and trying to find the best path for her. Again, maybe this is affair fog, maybe this is manipulation, I honestly don't know. I assume I shouldn't care, but continue sticking to Plan A and focusing on myself -?
4. Plan A talks a lot about spending 15 hours/week on your relationship, etc. but right now she is fairly avoidant of me. She's sleeping in our guest room, doesn't really want to be together, she just wants to co-exist. We aren't kissing or having sex. Its hard to devote 15 hours/week to someone who doesn't seem interested, but I'm doing my best to do so with kindness and optimism vs force. Am I being too nice/accommodating here, or is this appropriate for early Plan A?
Thanks!