Insist on Reading Instagram Messages with OM ? - 01/13/22 04:25 PM
Trying to keep the story brief:
TLDR:
I discovered an emotional affair between my wife and a "practically part of the family" friend who lives with her brother and sister-in-law. When confronted, everything was denied but she eventually admitted to an emotional affair with a 3-4 episodes of sexting including photos and 1 video.
I have found other evidence that she had every opportunity to turn it physical, and that he tried (she stayed the night at the brothers house once and stayed over until 2am once -> and confirmed that she and OM sat in her car for an hour and a half in the middle of the night unsupervised, but claiming that nothing physical happened).
I have INSISTED that I need to read the instagram messages between him and her (which have been deleted but can be recovered). She won't go through the process of recovering the messages so we can read them and see if she is telling the truth. She insists it will hurt her too much to read them and that I will "find things to interpret the wrong way".
We have a counselor friend saying I should not worry about the details, and just forgive her and move on, but I do not trust that she has told me everything because she has lied before about big things.
Also many parts of her story do not add up, and many questions I had to her she says "I can't remember", "I don't want to think about it", and "I was drunk when I wrote it I don't know what I said" -> I feel very uneasy and have a gut feeling she is hiding something but could be overreacting.
Do I put my foot down and say I can't move forward without reading the messages, or do I let it go and try to trust that what she's told me is all that happened?
The Details:
This 25 year old guy rents a room from my brother in-law and his wife (platonically). They treat him like a brother / son. He is at all family events and treated like a part of the family.
My wife is close to her brother and sister-in-law and sometimes hangs out with them without me (including staying over late), but I trust them, so never thought anything of it.
She recently stayed the night with them when we were in a rough spot (just before Thanksgiving). And stayed over until around 2am after I had already gone to sleep to hang out.
The next Saturday at a family event, I noticed VERY suspicious behavior between him and my wife, RED FLAG. Wondered, but moved on.
I checked my wifes phone the next day and noticed very very very inappropriate instagram messages between them the whole day, but all prior messages had been deleted. I love you I am yours, Hey Baby I miss you, etc. Nothing overtly sexual except an inappropriate joke or too about "knowing how to use your tool".
I went to check again 2 days later, and all messages between them had been deleted, even though I had noticed her trying to hide obvious messaging.
I confronted her, she denied everything but eventually admitted they were friends that flirted but at the same time was saying she would not talk to me and if I exposed what was happening our marriage was over and she would protect him because he was "innocent" and a "good guy".
I pressed very hard into the subject, because I knew she was lying and eventually exposed the messages to her Brother to get her to admit. She relented and a trickle of truths began to come out that they had been flirting and friendly about a month, and she was wrapped up in the relationship but knew it wasn't going anywhere... and they talked about my sex life with my wife, she thought about him when we were having sex, they talked about our sex, and they fantasized about sex together over Instagram including photos but nothing physical happened.
There were several opportunities she had to have sex with him, because of his closeness to the family (she stayed the night at her brothers once when we were not doing well), and she hung out with him alone between 12:30am and 2:00am in her car while everyone else was asleep - but claims they were just talking and they were just friends at the time (though this is right before I discovered everything).
TLDR:
I discovered an emotional affair between my wife and a "practically part of the family" friend who lives with her brother and sister-in-law. When confronted, everything was denied but she eventually admitted to an emotional affair with a 3-4 episodes of sexting including photos and 1 video.
I have found other evidence that she had every opportunity to turn it physical, and that he tried (she stayed the night at the brothers house once and stayed over until 2am once -> and confirmed that she and OM sat in her car for an hour and a half in the middle of the night unsupervised, but claiming that nothing physical happened).
I have INSISTED that I need to read the instagram messages between him and her (which have been deleted but can be recovered). She won't go through the process of recovering the messages so we can read them and see if she is telling the truth. She insists it will hurt her too much to read them and that I will "find things to interpret the wrong way".
We have a counselor friend saying I should not worry about the details, and just forgive her and move on, but I do not trust that she has told me everything because she has lied before about big things.
Also many parts of her story do not add up, and many questions I had to her she says "I can't remember", "I don't want to think about it", and "I was drunk when I wrote it I don't know what I said" -> I feel very uneasy and have a gut feeling she is hiding something but could be overreacting.
Do I put my foot down and say I can't move forward without reading the messages, or do I let it go and try to trust that what she's told me is all that happened?
The Details:
This 25 year old guy rents a room from my brother in-law and his wife (platonically). They treat him like a brother / son. He is at all family events and treated like a part of the family.
My wife is close to her brother and sister-in-law and sometimes hangs out with them without me (including staying over late), but I trust them, so never thought anything of it.
She recently stayed the night with them when we were in a rough spot (just before Thanksgiving). And stayed over until around 2am after I had already gone to sleep to hang out.
The next Saturday at a family event, I noticed VERY suspicious behavior between him and my wife, RED FLAG. Wondered, but moved on.
I checked my wifes phone the next day and noticed very very very inappropriate instagram messages between them the whole day, but all prior messages had been deleted. I love you I am yours, Hey Baby I miss you, etc. Nothing overtly sexual except an inappropriate joke or too about "knowing how to use your tool".
I went to check again 2 days later, and all messages between them had been deleted, even though I had noticed her trying to hide obvious messaging.
I confronted her, she denied everything but eventually admitted they were friends that flirted but at the same time was saying she would not talk to me and if I exposed what was happening our marriage was over and she would protect him because he was "innocent" and a "good guy".
I pressed very hard into the subject, because I knew she was lying and eventually exposed the messages to her Brother to get her to admit. She relented and a trickle of truths began to come out that they had been flirting and friendly about a month, and she was wrapped up in the relationship but knew it wasn't going anywhere... and they talked about my sex life with my wife, she thought about him when we were having sex, they talked about our sex, and they fantasized about sex together over Instagram including photos but nothing physical happened.
There were several opportunities she had to have sex with him, because of his closeness to the family (she stayed the night at her brothers once when we were not doing well), and she hung out with him alone between 12:30am and 2:00am in her car while everyone else was asleep - but claims they were just talking and they were just friends at the time (though this is right before I discovered everything).