God Wants Me to Stay, but I Want to Leave - 03/25/22 03:15 AM
I am a devout Christian and pride myself on listening to God's direction in my life.
I have been married 15 years. On September 25, 2021, I found out my husband had an affair over the course of five years with one of his co-workers. He ended the affair in 2019 and I found out two years later when her husband exposed it to me after becoming upset that my husband was reaching back out to her. I was devastated and wanted to leave right away. He asked me to stay and work on our marriage. We got a counselor and started marriage counseling sometime in October.
I am only still here for one reason - God told me to stay. I don't want to stay. I would be so much happier if I walked away and just became single - it's less work, less complicated, less emotional. I have to deal with so much hurt, anger, and shame when I would rather just be free and walk away from my marriage. I know I would not feel these emotions if I was no longer married. I am simply here because of God. I can't even say I am here because of our children - we have three of them - two teenage boys that we had in marriage and a 21 year old girl who I had before marriage but has only known my husband for a father.
I am conflicted between my flesh and my spirit. Marriage has always been hard for me. I am very independent. I love being by myself. I rarely get lonely. Most of the activities I enjoy, I don't enjoy with my husband but with other friends. I have personally been guarded about protecting myself from having an affair - I don't have any male friends, I can't stand it when people hit on me, and I always made sure men knew I was married so they wouldn't cross the line. If I have any needs that my husband can't meet, I just meet those needs myself or with my close female friends. I don't really have many strong needs other that domestic support (which I have met by teaching my kids to be better contributors in the household) and recreational companionship (which I have met through my friendships) but one of his biggest needs is affection and intimate conversation so when he and his female co-worker became best friends, it was downhill from there. In short, I feel like he was weaker than I was at avoiding an affair. It really pisses me off that I did all this work to avoid having an affair and he just easily gave into one. I have such little respect for that.
But here I am - in a marriage that God wants but I don't because staying is too much work and not even worth it for me. I have had plenty of conversations with God "why ask me to stay here when I have every right to leave since your word says adultery is the one allowable reason for divorce?" The answer I hear in my spirit, "I know things you don't know. I see things you can't see, just trust Me through this.". But there is no real love in my heart. My husband could die tomorrow and I would move on within a few months. Maybe I have a fear of vulnerability so I keep him at bay but whatever the case, my heart is not really in this marriage and when I found out about the affair, I so desperately just wanted to be free from it all and leave - I had tried hard enough and failed; it was time to be free. Prior to D Day, I had worked hard to try to be more loving but nothing ever stuck. I would talk to so many of my friends asking them to pray for me because I knew my husband was miserable and I wasn't soft enough, caring enough, loving enough but the sad thing is I really love who I am but who I am is not loving enough for who he is. He prayed for a strong woman and I think he got more than he bargained for - what he really needs is a meek, soft, affectionate woman. Ironically, a couple of weeks before discovering the affair, I recall telling one of my friends, "I better figure this out or he is going to find someone else," not realizing that he had already had an affair. How naive of me! He used to be out until past 2 am and I suspected nothing. I completely trusted him. Silly me. Never knew my Christian husband could lie so well.
I don't know how to have a great marriage if I don't really love my husband. I am just here out of obedience to God and I am just going through the motions to try to save my marriage because I want to be a good Christian. So much of my life is lived out of obligation. Is going through the motions enough? Will I eventually have love for my husband? Is it worth staying in this marriage out of obedience to God?
I recently had surgery and part of me hoped I wouldn't make it out alive just so I could be free from this work called marriage. I know that's sad. But I'm still here so I guess I have to make this work.
Here's an entry from my journal this morning which kind of sums up how I am feeling right now and the reason for this thread: "Before I found out about the affair, I struggled to love him, to consider him. I had so many starts and stops and feared that if I didn't fix myself soon, he would find love elsewhere. I didn't realize how late I was to that conclusion. After finding out about the affair, I could finally be free. I could just walk away; he did commit adultery after all, didn't he? Your Word says that's the one valid reason for divorce but you told me to stay. Why when I struggle to love him? Why ask me to do that when I can easily be by myself. What are you trying to teach me God and why do you have to teach me in this way - through this embarrassing and damaging experience. Me a strong-willed, independent, confident, beautiful woman staying with a man who has cheated on her though I could have my pick of men to be with. This is really frustrating God. But I am here because you tell me there is something you know that I don't know so all I can do is trust you through this."
Now you see my dilemma. My flesh wants to leave, but my spirit says listen to God. Please help. I am especially interested in Christian perspectives.
Other issues I have but can discuss later: we haven't told the kids (I want to); he is running for political office (I contacted MB Radio about this situation and it was covered on the podcast); I have a ton of triggers because he had his affair partner around my kids, at my work events, had my kids calling her god-mom, and around my friends; his brother, sister, and three of his best friends knew about the affair while it was happening so I also feel betrayed by them, and so on. Lots of issues to work through, but the main one is I don't really want to be here and I have every reason to leave so I'm angry with God. Should I perhaps separate instead of divorce? I wonder if that will make me feel better.
I have been married 15 years. On September 25, 2021, I found out my husband had an affair over the course of five years with one of his co-workers. He ended the affair in 2019 and I found out two years later when her husband exposed it to me after becoming upset that my husband was reaching back out to her. I was devastated and wanted to leave right away. He asked me to stay and work on our marriage. We got a counselor and started marriage counseling sometime in October.
I am only still here for one reason - God told me to stay. I don't want to stay. I would be so much happier if I walked away and just became single - it's less work, less complicated, less emotional. I have to deal with so much hurt, anger, and shame when I would rather just be free and walk away from my marriage. I know I would not feel these emotions if I was no longer married. I am simply here because of God. I can't even say I am here because of our children - we have three of them - two teenage boys that we had in marriage and a 21 year old girl who I had before marriage but has only known my husband for a father.
I am conflicted between my flesh and my spirit. Marriage has always been hard for me. I am very independent. I love being by myself. I rarely get lonely. Most of the activities I enjoy, I don't enjoy with my husband but with other friends. I have personally been guarded about protecting myself from having an affair - I don't have any male friends, I can't stand it when people hit on me, and I always made sure men knew I was married so they wouldn't cross the line. If I have any needs that my husband can't meet, I just meet those needs myself or with my close female friends. I don't really have many strong needs other that domestic support (which I have met by teaching my kids to be better contributors in the household) and recreational companionship (which I have met through my friendships) but one of his biggest needs is affection and intimate conversation so when he and his female co-worker became best friends, it was downhill from there. In short, I feel like he was weaker than I was at avoiding an affair. It really pisses me off that I did all this work to avoid having an affair and he just easily gave into one. I have such little respect for that.
But here I am - in a marriage that God wants but I don't because staying is too much work and not even worth it for me. I have had plenty of conversations with God "why ask me to stay here when I have every right to leave since your word says adultery is the one allowable reason for divorce?" The answer I hear in my spirit, "I know things you don't know. I see things you can't see, just trust Me through this.". But there is no real love in my heart. My husband could die tomorrow and I would move on within a few months. Maybe I have a fear of vulnerability so I keep him at bay but whatever the case, my heart is not really in this marriage and when I found out about the affair, I so desperately just wanted to be free from it all and leave - I had tried hard enough and failed; it was time to be free. Prior to D Day, I had worked hard to try to be more loving but nothing ever stuck. I would talk to so many of my friends asking them to pray for me because I knew my husband was miserable and I wasn't soft enough, caring enough, loving enough but the sad thing is I really love who I am but who I am is not loving enough for who he is. He prayed for a strong woman and I think he got more than he bargained for - what he really needs is a meek, soft, affectionate woman. Ironically, a couple of weeks before discovering the affair, I recall telling one of my friends, "I better figure this out or he is going to find someone else," not realizing that he had already had an affair. How naive of me! He used to be out until past 2 am and I suspected nothing. I completely trusted him. Silly me. Never knew my Christian husband could lie so well.
I don't know how to have a great marriage if I don't really love my husband. I am just here out of obedience to God and I am just going through the motions to try to save my marriage because I want to be a good Christian. So much of my life is lived out of obligation. Is going through the motions enough? Will I eventually have love for my husband? Is it worth staying in this marriage out of obedience to God?
I recently had surgery and part of me hoped I wouldn't make it out alive just so I could be free from this work called marriage. I know that's sad. But I'm still here so I guess I have to make this work.
Here's an entry from my journal this morning which kind of sums up how I am feeling right now and the reason for this thread: "Before I found out about the affair, I struggled to love him, to consider him. I had so many starts and stops and feared that if I didn't fix myself soon, he would find love elsewhere. I didn't realize how late I was to that conclusion. After finding out about the affair, I could finally be free. I could just walk away; he did commit adultery after all, didn't he? Your Word says that's the one valid reason for divorce but you told me to stay. Why when I struggle to love him? Why ask me to do that when I can easily be by myself. What are you trying to teach me God and why do you have to teach me in this way - through this embarrassing and damaging experience. Me a strong-willed, independent, confident, beautiful woman staying with a man who has cheated on her though I could have my pick of men to be with. This is really frustrating God. But I am here because you tell me there is something you know that I don't know so all I can do is trust you through this."
Now you see my dilemma. My flesh wants to leave, but my spirit says listen to God. Please help. I am especially interested in Christian perspectives.
Other issues I have but can discuss later: we haven't told the kids (I want to); he is running for political office (I contacted MB Radio about this situation and it was covered on the podcast); I have a ton of triggers because he had his affair partner around my kids, at my work events, had my kids calling her god-mom, and around my friends; his brother, sister, and three of his best friends knew about the affair while it was happening so I also feel betrayed by them, and so on. Lots of issues to work through, but the main one is I don't really want to be here and I have every reason to leave so I'm angry with God. Should I perhaps separate instead of divorce? I wonder if that will make me feel better.