12 Steps...at last - 09/13/10 03:56 PM
So, Tuesday night I went to my first 12 step meeting. Several people had lovingly suggested it; my bmom even sent me a little book. But I was worried that I wouldn't "fit in" because I am not an addict. More of the "what will others think/will I be 'rejected' out of hand" routine.
The people are very nice. And though the big meeting part was everyone, the rest of the night was segregated - men in one place, women in another. My plan was to be stoic and friendly and not say much, which I pretty much held to with the exception of some tears rolling during the testimony and choking up a little introducing myself. I feel like I should hang back. I tend to talk way too much and suck the energy out of the room sometimes.
I think I am going back tomorrow. Meds are great. But taking some pills every day isn't cutting it. And going to the therapist and just talking and talking....what is the point? Obviously I am not what I should be, or could be at this point. I am desperate to try anything. Not just for M, but for ME. I can't explain, but enough is enough. This cycle is exhausting.
I have been reading the little pamphlet. #1 was what took me to the meeting to begin with. My faith is shaky. I have no doubt God CAN restore me to sanity....I am just not completely convinced He WILL. After that I can tell it will be pretty tough. I kind of dread it, but I have to get out of this fog - not the wayward fog...the luri fog.
So if you are the praying sort, please pray. I don't have any pride left.
The people are very nice. And though the big meeting part was everyone, the rest of the night was segregated - men in one place, women in another. My plan was to be stoic and friendly and not say much, which I pretty much held to with the exception of some tears rolling during the testimony and choking up a little introducing myself. I feel like I should hang back. I tend to talk way too much and suck the energy out of the room sometimes.
I think I am going back tomorrow. Meds are great. But taking some pills every day isn't cutting it. And going to the therapist and just talking and talking....what is the point? Obviously I am not what I should be, or could be at this point. I am desperate to try anything. Not just for M, but for ME. I can't explain, but enough is enough. This cycle is exhausting.
I have been reading the little pamphlet. #1 was what took me to the meeting to begin with. My faith is shaky. I have no doubt God CAN restore me to sanity....I am just not completely convinced He WILL. After that I can tell it will be pretty tough. I kind of dread it, but I have to get out of this fog - not the wayward fog...the luri fog.
So if you are the praying sort, please pray. I don't have any pride left.