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Posted By: Tawandabelle 12 last - 09/13/10 03:56 PM
So, Tuesday night I went to my first 12 step meeting. Several people had lovingly suggested it; my bmom even sent me a little book. But I was worried that I wouldn't "fit in" because I am not an addict. More of the "what will others think/will I be 'rejected' out of hand" routine.

The people are very nice. And though the big meeting part was everyone, the rest of the night was segregated - men in one place, women in another. My plan was to be stoic and friendly and not say much, which I pretty much held to with the exception of some tears rolling during the testimony and choking up a little introducing myself. I feel like I should hang back. I tend to talk way too much and suck the energy out of the room sometimes.

I think I am going back tomorrow. Meds are great. But taking some pills every day isn't cutting it. And going to the therapist and just talking and talking....what is the point? Obviously I am not what I should be, or could be at this point. I am desperate to try anything. Not just for M, but for ME. I can't explain, but enough is enough. This cycle is exhausting.

I have been reading the little pamphlet. #1 was what took me to the meeting to begin with. My faith is shaky. I have no doubt God CAN restore me to sanity....I am just not completely convinced He WILL. After that I can tell it will be pretty tough. I kind of dread it, but I have to get out of this fog - not the wayward fog...the luri fog.

So if you are the praying sort, please pray. I don't have any pride left.
Posted By: LovingAnyway Re: 12 last - 09/14/10 08:06 PM
Don't out-think God, Luri.

He works.


If you focus on "can" and "will", you won't change your mindset to "do" and "do not."

Keeping going back. You were loved before you walked in the door.

Learn to leave the "should be" and "could be" outside.

And take back a piece of pride and congratulate yourself on going.

Then keep going.

You're not alone.

Posted By: learnin2love Re: 12 last - 09/14/10 09:02 PM
That's awesome LU!! You mad a step in your recovery that a lot of people don't make. You are moving forward instead of being complacent! I don't really know your story but whatever it is, making a step like that is huge! Be proud of yourself that you did something else to take care of you. That's progress!
Posted By: CWMI Re: 12 last - 09/14/10 10:23 PM
Prayers up for you, Luri.
Posted By: Fred_in_VA Re: 12 last - 09/15/10 02:53 AM
Great news, Lurioosi! I have been a 12-Stepper for a little over 19 years now. I had exactly the same "misgiving" and doubt when I first started. The good people there told me I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

They told me to "keep coming back." They told me not to worry about God or a Higher Power, that I "would be contacted."

It happened. I can't explain how or when. But it happened. And it's happened to every person I know who's been coming for any length of time.

So I pass on to you the same advice I was given: Keep coming back. It works. It really does.
Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: 12 last - 09/15/10 03:12 AM
Wow, L, good for you! I love my 12 step program. I encourage you to find a sponsor, too.

But I'm concerned, hon. They don't have medical background, it's all your peers. They'd be the first ones to tell you that they support you in your spiritual walk, but are not qualified to help you with medical problems.

Do you also have a professional who is really working with you actively to manage this? Someone to really help you get a solid plan in place to help you recognize a slip or relapse or whatever the name is before it has bad consequences for you and your family. I have asthma, and went to my family doctor for years, but when my daughter got it, we lived close to the Mayo, so I took her there, and learning how to take care of her, I learned some things and got symptom free for the first time in years. Just one example, I learned that my inhaler should be used with a spacer. This after over 10 years of taking inhalers and not getting the relief that I would get with the same dose in a nebulizer machine. And all along, all I needed was a $10 plastic device, you know?

If you are getting professional medical care, too, please disregard, i just want to hear you're safe, hon, because I care. That was scary this summer.
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