I'm OK RU OK? - 03/13/11 08:35 PM
Well I have been wondering about something I think a lot of us have had to deal with before in any relationship.
Is it a good thing to feel better when we are sure that our spouse is feeling alright?
How much of our own inner security and value is supposed to be attributed to the protection of our spouses emotional happiness?
In my case as a guy I have always felt it was up to me to protect my spouse. I have let myself become an enabler to some extent because I have felt compassion and empathy for my wife when I thought she was out of control.
I saw that in her life she had suffered emotional abuse from her past and would try not to control or manipulate her but instead would set boundaries of what I would take or not take in our marriage.
When she would fall into emotional distress and my attempts to build her up would not work I felt like a failure. When she would turn to alcohol or outrageous escapades involving bars and seeking attention from men I would blame myself for not living up to a standard that she obviously needed.
I would only find solace in working like a dog, long hours of hard labor and trying to find ways to count my blessings, love the kids, and prayer. I was always waiting and was willing to be the victim while maybe she could seek God for herself and find the way.
I allowed myself to be gas lighted by accepting the blame for her issues. One of the most effective tools of this was a concept that I accepted...
"If you REALLY believed in God and trusted him like you should you will be strong enough to do ANYTHING you want"
That was aimed at my inability it seemed to have enough self-respect to make all the money we ever needed. I had low confidence and I felt it was because she had continued to drink and carouse and that that had made an effect on me. She also got me to believe that I was just "insecure" ..Yeah I guess so...OK..I will just keep on trying.
I did not always buy this crap, there was a period of time I left because of this abuse, she straightened out, 2 years later I came back, and she respected me again but...in a 12 year life together after that she still would not take personal responsibility or work with me doing the practical planning and living within our means. So eventually the promise I had of a career that would eventually allow us to live well and celebrate life got started only to fall apart when she would either DJ me or pull a "stunt" that would tear out my heart again.
OK so I could only keep my head down and keep plowing forward doing the right thing. As time moves on and jobs are lost and credibility also I was left with my family and no personal accomplishments in the world to support them. Then when I was hurt at work and unable to work my wife admitted she had become an addict and while blaming me for it she left to 'gaslight" another guys who bought her spin. It�s the stuff that would be funny if I hadn't banked all my life on what I considered to be a most holy endeavor.
She left and eventually came back sick and never quite recovered completely from her drug abuse and I am still fighting feelings of guilt for what happened to her.
Was my concern for her balanced well with my own self-respect? Was what I valued more than being in control, compassion and understanding confused? Were my decisions to forgive and forget the disrespect and self-abuse my wife showed the cause of her instability? The answer is sometimes yes and sometimes no. My bottom line important mission in life was to stand for peace and using my mind to think things through for my family and not react to fear. I would not sacrifice the permanent on the alter of the immediate. I had to separate myself from the lack of love and respect my wife did not show me and live in a perpetual plan of loving her even when hurt as much as possible for quite some time. It did not happen all at once, it happened over time, slowly like a snake as all deception of the mind seems to.
In the end what I have come to realize is that I lost myself somewhere along the line and all of my emotions I let get out of control were worthless in comparison to my sense of self-respect.
I should have never let myself become anyone�s reason for their problem. I have read somewhere this is co-dependence. That people like me who have a low self-image or should we say confidence in them or strong senses of who they are become dependant on the perceived happiness of another. If they are Ok then I am sort of thing. This kind of self-sacrifice without having strong ideals and boundaries can be self destructive and over time because you can�t ever please someone into self control, both will lose out on living in the now, always waiting for something good to happen to make them feel better.
But what was supposed to be my function as a Husband? It was to me to provide protection. More than just protections from animals in the wild but from the animal nature of people and sometimes from the fears that live within us that drive us. In my wife�s case it seemed she had a unhealthy need to be needed by everyone she met. Hence she would become their counselor and seeks to make them see the light and feel better. Something really she was searching for in herself, never really knowing she was already OK..
In her life with God it was at the most intense. Because she had terrible self image issues and such an awful childhood that supported that self image, her revelation that it was people and spiritual flaws that effected everyone she sought to teach others about how to be set free and depend on God for their past, present, and future security. All that is wise but she neglected the interpersonal skills and rules that God stated were necessary to maintain intimacy with the people most close to her. She would act correctly without actually feeling good about issues and feel entitled to expect God-like forgiveness from anyone she hurt. �God save our would-be Saviors� was what it meant to me as it was more manipulation than anything else and slowly steals the individual�s sense of self and ability to become accountable for their own decisions and state of their own emotions and happiness.
It was like a constant accusation that we/I were stupid and uninformed and failing to live life correctly and we are forced to either separate our heart from that person or suffer internally as we accept that blame. As strong as I was eventually emotionally it takes its toll.
Because children do not have the intellectual ability to understand that they are dealing with someone emotionally disturbed, it is important that they have someone present who is there to buffer what they feel is their responsibility to protect their parent. It�s the same thing that happened to her and she was unwittingly passing that onto her children. I was able to endure the rejection for their sake and in the back of my mind I also believed she would stop rejecting me also as long as I kept my head screwed on straight and not given place to my own fears that were only interested in my destruction.
As with anyone who abuses themselves with drugs or alcohol, there are issues internally that prompt there actions. These were the emotional issues I waited for Sandy to explore with someone she would respect as a counselor.
She actually had a split personality, there was the Sandy that wanted to live right and true while supporting her children and others, then there was the frustrated, angry and bitter need to feel in control and motivated by fear of loss woman who she fought to control. Somehow inside that second woman had been given power emotionally. She understood why she felt so much fear and rejection as a child but never took the time to find out what triggered those emotions as an adult but she would get wrapped up again and again with curing them from others like if she could, she would also be cured.
She needed to put the oxygen mask on herself more often and practice separation from others who were negative and destructive. This was part of the rejection we all felt and I fought to reject from myself and help her seek counsel for what she felt, not what she knew about people and their problems. I was sure that if she would come to the place where she was honest about how destructive drinking and past personal vendettas she felt strongly enough about that she would hurt God, herself, me and the children, I at least had a chance to build a life with her and that God would reward me for loving her as I would want to be loved.
I was in love with the Sandy that in my mind is the real one. The first one I described. I lived in hope she would prosper and become stronger enjoying life daily and having a value not based on what the simpletons she had surpassed from Vermont had taught her or her attendance in a church that preached she would become her worse fears if she wasn�t dedicated to supporting it, but from what God had imparted to her when she sought him out in her heart in years past when she was alone with him and studying the word.
She was in love with who she thought I should be. She was interested in me because she saw I had a heart and was at least wise enough to know people succumb to fear and are abused by it. She saw strength in me that came from humility and the truth that the world did not spin because of me, but for me as long as I appreciated my place in it and didn�t abuse the only thing really valuable in life, people. She also felt sorry for me and wished to cure me. It was veiled by her outward behavior but I could sense it. When I brought it up I was told it was my insecurity so I shut up and took it like a Man.
I was intoxicated by her knowledge of Gods word and how it applied to our souls and self-esteem. Her desire to be with me seemed both scary because she had alcohol issues and wonderful because maybe this was who I needed in my life, someone who could help me understand how God loved me and wanted me to live in it instead of my own feelings of insecurity and weakness. I thought we could help and love each other and build a relationship based on Openness and Honesty ,,,as soon as we got into how we could stop the self-abuse and her nasty change of personality when she drank.
But in truth she saw a workhorse that really had no sense of self and believed that she could change me into someone she desired to at least spend time with and as insecure ppl are, they need to be needed and I was willing to bare my soul for her because I was that way also. It seemed right because we both had pasts that were painful and were hurt by selfish people. We sought to avenge that pain within ourselves instead of leaving it behind where it belonged.
Neither of us was ready for a relationship that went beyond friendship. In time we could have seen that I believe but instead of waiting we both jumped in stubbornly refusing to get healthy ourselves first. Thinking it was destined because our emotions ran us and we didn�t see what was driving us, past emotional pain and the fear of losing someone who so strongly affected our hearts.
When she became pregnant and found out she had cervical Cancer the dynamics changed and there was no going back. Another life was created and we were responsible for it even if we were ill-equipped we knew what we knew was right and did the best with the tools we had at the time..
It wasn�t until the separation after two years that she started to change internally. After 6 months she stopped drinking. Then she started to seek counsel from her Pastor on what she needed to do to recover her marriage. She never linked therapists and doctors to the provisions God had for her life, and I could never get her to get past the pride and fear either.
Is it a good thing to feel better when we are sure that our spouse is feeling alright?
How much of our own inner security and value is supposed to be attributed to the protection of our spouses emotional happiness?
In my case as a guy I have always felt it was up to me to protect my spouse. I have let myself become an enabler to some extent because I have felt compassion and empathy for my wife when I thought she was out of control.
I saw that in her life she had suffered emotional abuse from her past and would try not to control or manipulate her but instead would set boundaries of what I would take or not take in our marriage.
When she would fall into emotional distress and my attempts to build her up would not work I felt like a failure. When she would turn to alcohol or outrageous escapades involving bars and seeking attention from men I would blame myself for not living up to a standard that she obviously needed.
I would only find solace in working like a dog, long hours of hard labor and trying to find ways to count my blessings, love the kids, and prayer. I was always waiting and was willing to be the victim while maybe she could seek God for herself and find the way.
I allowed myself to be gas lighted by accepting the blame for her issues. One of the most effective tools of this was a concept that I accepted...
"If you REALLY believed in God and trusted him like you should you will be strong enough to do ANYTHING you want"
That was aimed at my inability it seemed to have enough self-respect to make all the money we ever needed. I had low confidence and I felt it was because she had continued to drink and carouse and that that had made an effect on me. She also got me to believe that I was just "insecure" ..Yeah I guess so...OK..I will just keep on trying.
I did not always buy this crap, there was a period of time I left because of this abuse, she straightened out, 2 years later I came back, and she respected me again but...in a 12 year life together after that she still would not take personal responsibility or work with me doing the practical planning and living within our means. So eventually the promise I had of a career that would eventually allow us to live well and celebrate life got started only to fall apart when she would either DJ me or pull a "stunt" that would tear out my heart again.
OK so I could only keep my head down and keep plowing forward doing the right thing. As time moves on and jobs are lost and credibility also I was left with my family and no personal accomplishments in the world to support them. Then when I was hurt at work and unable to work my wife admitted she had become an addict and while blaming me for it she left to 'gaslight" another guys who bought her spin. It�s the stuff that would be funny if I hadn't banked all my life on what I considered to be a most holy endeavor.
She left and eventually came back sick and never quite recovered completely from her drug abuse and I am still fighting feelings of guilt for what happened to her.
Was my concern for her balanced well with my own self-respect? Was what I valued more than being in control, compassion and understanding confused? Were my decisions to forgive and forget the disrespect and self-abuse my wife showed the cause of her instability? The answer is sometimes yes and sometimes no. My bottom line important mission in life was to stand for peace and using my mind to think things through for my family and not react to fear. I would not sacrifice the permanent on the alter of the immediate. I had to separate myself from the lack of love and respect my wife did not show me and live in a perpetual plan of loving her even when hurt as much as possible for quite some time. It did not happen all at once, it happened over time, slowly like a snake as all deception of the mind seems to.
In the end what I have come to realize is that I lost myself somewhere along the line and all of my emotions I let get out of control were worthless in comparison to my sense of self-respect.
I should have never let myself become anyone�s reason for their problem. I have read somewhere this is co-dependence. That people like me who have a low self-image or should we say confidence in them or strong senses of who they are become dependant on the perceived happiness of another. If they are Ok then I am sort of thing. This kind of self-sacrifice without having strong ideals and boundaries can be self destructive and over time because you can�t ever please someone into self control, both will lose out on living in the now, always waiting for something good to happen to make them feel better.
But what was supposed to be my function as a Husband? It was to me to provide protection. More than just protections from animals in the wild but from the animal nature of people and sometimes from the fears that live within us that drive us. In my wife�s case it seemed she had a unhealthy need to be needed by everyone she met. Hence she would become their counselor and seeks to make them see the light and feel better. Something really she was searching for in herself, never really knowing she was already OK..
In her life with God it was at the most intense. Because she had terrible self image issues and such an awful childhood that supported that self image, her revelation that it was people and spiritual flaws that effected everyone she sought to teach others about how to be set free and depend on God for their past, present, and future security. All that is wise but she neglected the interpersonal skills and rules that God stated were necessary to maintain intimacy with the people most close to her. She would act correctly without actually feeling good about issues and feel entitled to expect God-like forgiveness from anyone she hurt. �God save our would-be Saviors� was what it meant to me as it was more manipulation than anything else and slowly steals the individual�s sense of self and ability to become accountable for their own decisions and state of their own emotions and happiness.
It was like a constant accusation that we/I were stupid and uninformed and failing to live life correctly and we are forced to either separate our heart from that person or suffer internally as we accept that blame. As strong as I was eventually emotionally it takes its toll.
Because children do not have the intellectual ability to understand that they are dealing with someone emotionally disturbed, it is important that they have someone present who is there to buffer what they feel is their responsibility to protect their parent. It�s the same thing that happened to her and she was unwittingly passing that onto her children. I was able to endure the rejection for their sake and in the back of my mind I also believed she would stop rejecting me also as long as I kept my head screwed on straight and not given place to my own fears that were only interested in my destruction.
As with anyone who abuses themselves with drugs or alcohol, there are issues internally that prompt there actions. These were the emotional issues I waited for Sandy to explore with someone she would respect as a counselor.
She actually had a split personality, there was the Sandy that wanted to live right and true while supporting her children and others, then there was the frustrated, angry and bitter need to feel in control and motivated by fear of loss woman who she fought to control. Somehow inside that second woman had been given power emotionally. She understood why she felt so much fear and rejection as a child but never took the time to find out what triggered those emotions as an adult but she would get wrapped up again and again with curing them from others like if she could, she would also be cured.
She needed to put the oxygen mask on herself more often and practice separation from others who were negative and destructive. This was part of the rejection we all felt and I fought to reject from myself and help her seek counsel for what she felt, not what she knew about people and their problems. I was sure that if she would come to the place where she was honest about how destructive drinking and past personal vendettas she felt strongly enough about that she would hurt God, herself, me and the children, I at least had a chance to build a life with her and that God would reward me for loving her as I would want to be loved.
I was in love with the Sandy that in my mind is the real one. The first one I described. I lived in hope she would prosper and become stronger enjoying life daily and having a value not based on what the simpletons she had surpassed from Vermont had taught her or her attendance in a church that preached she would become her worse fears if she wasn�t dedicated to supporting it, but from what God had imparted to her when she sought him out in her heart in years past when she was alone with him and studying the word.
She was in love with who she thought I should be. She was interested in me because she saw I had a heart and was at least wise enough to know people succumb to fear and are abused by it. She saw strength in me that came from humility and the truth that the world did not spin because of me, but for me as long as I appreciated my place in it and didn�t abuse the only thing really valuable in life, people. She also felt sorry for me and wished to cure me. It was veiled by her outward behavior but I could sense it. When I brought it up I was told it was my insecurity so I shut up and took it like a Man.
I was intoxicated by her knowledge of Gods word and how it applied to our souls and self-esteem. Her desire to be with me seemed both scary because she had alcohol issues and wonderful because maybe this was who I needed in my life, someone who could help me understand how God loved me and wanted me to live in it instead of my own feelings of insecurity and weakness. I thought we could help and love each other and build a relationship based on Openness and Honesty ,,,as soon as we got into how we could stop the self-abuse and her nasty change of personality when she drank.
But in truth she saw a workhorse that really had no sense of self and believed that she could change me into someone she desired to at least spend time with and as insecure ppl are, they need to be needed and I was willing to bare my soul for her because I was that way also. It seemed right because we both had pasts that were painful and were hurt by selfish people. We sought to avenge that pain within ourselves instead of leaving it behind where it belonged.
Neither of us was ready for a relationship that went beyond friendship. In time we could have seen that I believe but instead of waiting we both jumped in stubbornly refusing to get healthy ourselves first. Thinking it was destined because our emotions ran us and we didn�t see what was driving us, past emotional pain and the fear of losing someone who so strongly affected our hearts.
When she became pregnant and found out she had cervical Cancer the dynamics changed and there was no going back. Another life was created and we were responsible for it even if we were ill-equipped we knew what we knew was right and did the best with the tools we had at the time..
It wasn�t until the separation after two years that she started to change internally. After 6 months she stopped drinking. Then she started to seek counsel from her Pastor on what she needed to do to recover her marriage. She never linked therapists and doctors to the provisions God had for her life, and I could never get her to get past the pride and fear either.