PhrogDrivers Journey - 05/15/11 10:05 PM
Marriage Builders forums have become important to me because of the wisdom of the veteran posters. I'd like to continue learning from them, and maybe I can impart a few things I have learned along the way.
Well here goes..
After my divorce in 2000 I did a lot of soul searching. I had been through two marriages that ended with my WW's infidelity. I began to realize that I was never fully participating in either marriage. I was always a renter.
No 2x4s please, this is hard to write...
All of my life, from as young as I can remember, I was jealous of women. As I grew older I was both jealous and physically attracted. When I slept with a woman I was not really present, I had to imagine I was her, to consummate the act. I knew what this was, but could not come to grips with it. I wanted to fit in as a man, but something in my soul was telling me different. My parent knew I was transgendered, my Mom would talk about it, my Dad was never spoke about it. He saw me as his failure.
I wanted to make things right with them, and bury who I really was. So, I joined the Marine Corps and became a helicopter pilot. When I finished at Pensacola, my Dad finally smiled at me and told me he was as proud of me as if I had just graduated from Harvard.
So I went though 6 years of the most macho experiences anyone could imagine. It did not change me a bit. I was always angry and emotionally closed off. This persona worked for an officer in the Marines. I went through one marriage, and I did not change at all. Nothing seemed to work. I felt as if I was living a lie, hurting myself and others in the process. My only plan was to shoot myself if anyone found out. But, there is no way they could have as I never acted in a feminine manner during all those years.
My second marriage started after I left the Marines. My heart was not really in it. She probably sensed that at some level. I loved her too, but the marriage was also a way I could not deal with my reality. That marriage ended as the first, in WW's infidelity.
I finally had to come to grips with it all. I took a figurative leap off the cliff, hoping god would be there for me. And he was. When I told my family. most were shocked. My closest sister was not surprised. She said she knew there had always been something going on with me. The woman I sat next to at work cried when I told her. My employer was not supportive, but legally required to not discriminate.
I went through male to female transition between 2000 and 2002. It's a long involved process with councilors and doctors. I had gender reassignment surgery in Montreal in August of 2002. To my surprise, one of my neighbors was going through the same thing. She had m/f grs the day before I did.
Its been almost 10 years since transition. What I have to offer the MB forums is what it is like to have relationships as both a man and a woman. I know what both men and women expect in relationships. I hope this knowledge can be helpful in some way.
I am still a devout Christian. I go to a UCC church almost every Sunday. The minister and moderator know my story, but no one else. For a long time I prayed for God's forgiveness. One day the minister said I was following the path God had laid out for me. She said I only need to ask forgiveness for those I hurt along the way.
I posted earlier as PhrogDriver, because that is who I was when I was dealing with my WW's infidelity. I've changed my screen to Cypress
Well here goes..
After my divorce in 2000 I did a lot of soul searching. I had been through two marriages that ended with my WW's infidelity. I began to realize that I was never fully participating in either marriage. I was always a renter.
No 2x4s please, this is hard to write...
All of my life, from as young as I can remember, I was jealous of women. As I grew older I was both jealous and physically attracted. When I slept with a woman I was not really present, I had to imagine I was her, to consummate the act. I knew what this was, but could not come to grips with it. I wanted to fit in as a man, but something in my soul was telling me different. My parent knew I was transgendered, my Mom would talk about it, my Dad was never spoke about it. He saw me as his failure.
I wanted to make things right with them, and bury who I really was. So, I joined the Marine Corps and became a helicopter pilot. When I finished at Pensacola, my Dad finally smiled at me and told me he was as proud of me as if I had just graduated from Harvard.
So I went though 6 years of the most macho experiences anyone could imagine. It did not change me a bit. I was always angry and emotionally closed off. This persona worked for an officer in the Marines. I went through one marriage, and I did not change at all. Nothing seemed to work. I felt as if I was living a lie, hurting myself and others in the process. My only plan was to shoot myself if anyone found out. But, there is no way they could have as I never acted in a feminine manner during all those years.
My second marriage started after I left the Marines. My heart was not really in it. She probably sensed that at some level. I loved her too, but the marriage was also a way I could not deal with my reality. That marriage ended as the first, in WW's infidelity.
I finally had to come to grips with it all. I took a figurative leap off the cliff, hoping god would be there for me. And he was. When I told my family. most were shocked. My closest sister was not surprised. She said she knew there had always been something going on with me. The woman I sat next to at work cried when I told her. My employer was not supportive, but legally required to not discriminate.
I went through male to female transition between 2000 and 2002. It's a long involved process with councilors and doctors. I had gender reassignment surgery in Montreal in August of 2002. To my surprise, one of my neighbors was going through the same thing. She had m/f grs the day before I did.
Its been almost 10 years since transition. What I have to offer the MB forums is what it is like to have relationships as both a man and a woman. I know what both men and women expect in relationships. I hope this knowledge can be helpful in some way.
I am still a devout Christian. I go to a UCC church almost every Sunday. The minister and moderator know my story, but no one else. For a long time I prayed for God's forgiveness. One day the minister said I was following the path God had laid out for me. She said I only need to ask forgiveness for those I hurt along the way.
I posted earlier as PhrogDriver, because that is who I was when I was dealing with my WW's infidelity. I've changed my screen to Cypress