My wife and I have been married for 9 years and have 2 small children. About 1 month ago I discovered she had an online lover. I knew she had made a new life for herself on the internet, but I didn't know how to help her, she just kept telling me to give her some space and time. During this timeframe she was carrying on with "him". When I found out and confronted her about it we argued and she told me how miserable she had become in our marriage (I was miserable at meeting her emotional needs, I only concentrated on material needs). We decided (or so I thought) that she would break it off with him and we would work on our marriage, but that we needed to go to counseling. About 3 weeks after that I discovered that she had not broke it off with him, she had just sent him an email to make me think it was over. She had never intended to end it at that time. When I found out again we talked and wobbled between divorce and working on it, and finally wound up on the working on it side. I don't know if she made this decision because she was afraid she couldn't make it on her own or just because of the kids. Now she adamantly refuses to go to marriage counseling. She says she doesn't want to tell anyone what she has done, especially a complete stranger. The trouble is I don't know if she is being honest about really working on the marriage. I am to the point of giving up myself. I know I've had caused alot of the problems in our marriage, but I also believe she has some emotional problems too. I guess I just don't know if it is worth the effort or not.
<br>Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Please read the "<a href="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html">Coping with Infidelity</a>" series. If you have any questions after reading those columns, please come back and post them here.

I read all of the information and what I either didn't get or didn't understand was how to decide for yourself if the marriage is worth working on. Are there any idicators that would suggest it is a futile effort? How can you figure out if you really want to remain married to this person?

All I can suggest to you is no one can tell you whether or not you want to stay married. You know in your heart whether or not you do. Nothing is futile if both people want it. You've admitted not being the perfect spouse in a way, and as a result she has looked elsewhere for emotional support. Now you need to show her you are trying, and give her a little time to recover and try as well. Of course, she needs to be honest with you about what is going on. Honesty is very important, and her saying she doesn't want to tell other people what she's done is understandable, but what exactly has she done that's so wrong? And talking to a counselor is helpful, and not something to be nervous about, although if it's your first time, it can be. I hope you two can work it out, and be closer and stronger than before.