The man I am to marry in a few months has only been seperated from his wife of 10 yrs. for 4 months. She is still in love with him and because he is not in love with her insist that there is nothing wrong with him staying in close contact with her. He does this by email and chat. He says that they are "just friends." I said there is no way that they can be just friends because of the intimacy they have shared and because of her still loving him. This relationship is so important to him that in his own way he has given me an ultimatim. He will not give her up even at the expense of our relationship or me. I have no problems with contact to discuss business issues that need to be resolved but because of her feelings for him I feel very hurt with personal chat and email. He feels I am destroying the relationship because I cannot accept his behavior and I feel he is because our relationship should be his priority. I feel that maybe in the future I could accept this kind of friendship but I am not comfortable with it now. He is not giving our relationship time to flourish and become strong and therefore it cannot help but come to an end. Am I just being overly sensitive concerning his former wife as he says? Am I wrong in my belief that they cannot be "just friends" at this time?

Charlee,
<br>I doubt this is what you want to hear, but he clearly has not resolved issues from his previous marriage. Until he can do so, I would not consider marrying him.
<br>I wonder how you can marry him in a few months if he has only been separated for 4 months - is he totally divorced now or just separated. Were you seeing him while he was still living with his wife - no disrespect - just wondering if he had any in between time. It does make a difference.
<br>Are there children from his previous marriage? Have you been married before?
<br>I would strongly suggest reading "His Needs, Her Needs" before committing to marrying him. It seems that you both need to decide if either/both of you are ready to take that next step.
<br>I wonder if you were unavailable if he would go back to his wife? I know you don't want to hear this, but if he would, then a marriage with him would be pretty scary, and my guess, pretty short lived. Have you thought about telling him you need a little space to think things through and taking the risk of him returning to his wife. If he does, then your relationship/marriage would/will be very painful for you.
<br>Before you marry, for your own best interests, you need to be certain that his last relationship is resolved. I would suggest counseling together, and/or on your own before taking the next step.
<br>Good luck - hope things work out for you in the future.
<br>Sara

My husband and I are having "adjustment problems" with trying to blend our 2 families (we both have 2 kids). This adjustment to blending is coupled with adjustment to a new marriage, moving to a new house, and high stress jobs for both. The trouble is we are having difficulty meeting each others' emotional needs. He is caring but takes love units out by the bucketful with his sarcasm, insults and criticism. I have difficult depositing love units for him and am growing increasingly defensive and probably overly sensitive to his manner and content of talking to me. How do we get back on track? I wake up in the morning ready to start over again and try anew and when a critical remark comes, I shut down. He has a hard time stopping the criticism b/c he says I frustrate him. We have had discussions as to which comes first -- he stops and I become more loving or I become more loving and he stops. I think we should both make changes at the same time. But this only works for a day or so and then it's back to the same. So if we make the assumption that he will change if I do first, how do I make the changes without feeling like I am shutting myself down or feeling resentful? How do I feel cheerful about meeting his needs when he's critical of me or says sarcastic remarks to me?