You summed it up well when you asked if this has "poisoned" your relationship. In a word, yes.<p>I had a 30-year addiction to pornography that started when I was about twelve, and only three months ago was I finally able to finally give it up once and for all. Of course only time will "prove" my commitment, but after all the suffering I've witnessed as a result of my problem, I really can't imagine ever having the slightest desire to ever look at that stuff again.<p>Like your fiance, to me it was a non-issue. It really didn't matter what my wife said about how she felt about it -- I felt her reactions were blown way out of proportion. Over the years I managed to get better at hiding it, but it was always there. <p>Only now can I see that it was like a slow-acting poison, destroying our relationship in such tiny pieces that I never saw it happening. There are so many ways this cruel addiction eats away at a person, and subsequently any intimate relationship that person might have.<p>I always thought I had high moral standards, yet my addiction to pornography led me to live a double life. I was active in church and a loyal father and husband, but I had this dark secret that only my wife had any idea was there. Many times I even tried to give it up, but I never could. It was an addiction, plain and simple. I know all the excuses and rationalizations -- I used them all. Not only on my wife, but on myself.<p>There were many other problems in my marriage, much of which was related to my wife's life-long struggle with depression and eventually bipolar disorder. To escape from the frustration I felt over marriage problems, I got more heavily caught up in sexual fantasies -- fueled greatly by my pornography habit. Over time, fantasies led me closer and closer to the real thing. <p>The outcome could have been predicted by just about anyone, I think. I eventually began making some of the fantasies a reality. Looking back now, I'm appalled by the things I did. I wish I could claim temporary insanity. The thing is, I knew the whole time what I was doing was wrong, going all the way back to my more innocent days just looking at the pictures in my dad's magazines. I could have given it up, I should have given it up, but I didn't because I told myself it was "harmless" fun. No big deal. Well, let me tell you, and your fiance, it IS a big deal. Like you said -- poison. It took twenty years before it finally killed my marriage. In many ways, I wish it had been faster acting. Then perhaps I would have seen how deadly it was and stopped before it was too late.<p>Will your story have the same sad ending as mine? Who knows - are you willing to take that chance? If my wife had given me an ultimatum before we got married -- either her or the pornography, I know I would have chosen her. But I also suspect I would have kept up the habit, just taking greater precautions to not get caught.<p>I'm not saying your fiance is like me at all. I sincerely hope that nobody is like me. Now that I see where my selfishness and thoughtlessness led, the pain and guilt I now feel over this are unbearable at times. From the perspective of someone who has "been there, done that", hopefully my story will give you and your fiance the opportunity for some soul-searching and honest communication.<p>When it comes to pornography, my philosphy these days is "just say no." No more rationalizing, justifying, minimalizing, etc. I won't even go to an R-rated movie anymore.<p>Sorry this is so long -- this is just something I feel pretty passionate about, and I hate to see anyone suffer the way my wife did for many years, and the way our whole family is suffering now
.<p>Good luck.