mistrust due to childhood abuse - Marriage Builders® Forums

We have a serious hurdle to overcome. When I was a teen, several (five or more) much older men whom I trusted implicitly and who I think really were good men overall, crossed the line and were sexually inappropriate with me. I was not flirtatious with them but was apparently far too warm. I had not been sexually abused and couldn't believe that older Christian men had sexual attraction to young women. It has shaken my ability to trust to the core. Now as a 42 year old woman, I'm still in good condition and my husband says he is very pleased with me, but I CANNOT tolerate him looking at young girls AT ALL. The very thought of his lusting at young girls makes my skin crawl. In the past we have always had a really good sex life. I enjoyed it, I think because he wasn't "old" yet. Now I just force myself to be available to this 44-year-old man every morning or night because I can't think of any reason not to. But I do not like it. I was also raped at gunpoint when I was 23, but it was by a younger man and I don't know if it is affecting me or not. Also, I accidentally witnessed a man raping a 12-year-old boy. And I had a horrible experience of my father dying five years ago. I still can't look at his picture. Do you think all these are connected. My husband is at wit's end. I don't want to be unreasonable to him. He tries very hard and is wonderful in so many ways. I don't want to hurt him any more!

Does your H know all of these fact? Did these young episodes with older men involve intercourse? Have you seen a counselor for these experiences and especially for the rape? How long have you been married? Any children? How old? Any extramarital affairs? Either you or H.I would think these are definitely connected to your feelings and SF needs.Involve your H in all your discussions. I suspect that he feels left in the dark at times if he gets this info piecemeal.Keep posting.------------------ Later, B

[ January 27, 2005, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by Brent: Does your H know all of these fact? Did these young episodes with older men involve intercourse? Have you seen a counselor for these experiences and especially for the rape? How long have you been married? Any children? How old? Any extramarital affairs? Either you or H.I would think these are definitely connected to your feelings and SF needs.Involve your H in all your discussions. I suspect that he feels left in the dark at times if he gets this info piecemeal.Keep posting.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Answers to your questions: Yes H knows. No, I stopped the men long before that. Only one actually tried to molest me. Yes, I've seen some counselors. Been married 22 1/2 years. Five children, two birth, three adopted. ages 22,20, 18,17, 13. I had an affair three years ago. Worst mistake -- evil -- of my life. H knows. I told him, have showed much repentance, and our marriage has gone through some drastic but good changes. He wants to hang in there. We've worked through quite a bit. For a long time I could tolerate his affection for other women because I could say to myself, "Look what YOU did! You have no right to be hurt." But it didn't last. I wish it had. H has had no affairs, but fell in "love" with my best friend (comparing us in public, etc., making her the obvious choice, pointing out that he valued her strengths more than he valued mine). He has had other "harmless" relationships as well. I believe my most serious problem is that he is unwilling to be emotionally honest with me. He believes everything Willard says except that which regards his being honest. He even lies when he knows I know the truth. I empathize with him because I see how he learned this from his father. But it's my top or second emotional need. I don't know how to change that. Because some of the old men were so trusted by their wives, how can I feel safe when mine has proven over and over that he does not value honesty. I must just find a way to accept him and be content. Yes H is aware of everything I have expressed to you. Conversation is not an area where we struggle. We talk. Lots.

So sorry to hear of your past trauma and current dilemma.Over the years, each time these matters crop up in your heart and mind, it is for the purpose of dealing with another aspect of how the trauma affected you. When you were young you just felt the pain and couldn't comprehend it all and had few skills to deal with it. As you've progressed into adulthood with increasingly more maturity and wisdom, the matter resurfaces and you are able to deal with more pieces and heal them. I believe God is able to walk with you through your grief and pain and heal those deep wounds. Can't erase the memory but you can keep growing and restore a sense of dignity and wholeness. I would recommend a seminar tape set which I am currently nearly finished listening to..."Binding the Wounds" by Drs. Ron & Nancy Rockey. Go to <A HREF="http://www.itsfixable.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.itsfixable.com</A> Praying you will become healed and whole.... ~gentle thoughts, Renae

Irene--Are you MY W?? Very similar situation. Honesty is actually her #1 and for 5 years I couldn't figure why she would take a misdemeanor lie and create a felony situation.Duh...the people she was supposed to be able to trust (parents) beat the **** out of her. She is extremely suspicious...her antennae are constantly processing her surroundings and any potential threats. Do I think it's related...I KNOW it's related.Dumbdumb (but not this anymore)

I was sexually abused by my grandfather, so I feel your pain. I am not sure that is a factor in my recent problems with my husband, but I always have to wonder what factor that plays in my problems.

Brent, hanora, Renae, dumbdumb, tere38, Thank you so much for your good replies. We are working seriously hard on our problems, and because we refuse to give up (some times it takes several hours to come to any sort of peace agreement), we are beginning to make some noticeable headway. Thanks again for your advice, encouragement, and PRAYERS! Irene

Irene,It's very likely your sexual assault experiences are affecting your relationship with your husband now. It sounds like his actions are triggering the fear you felt during the assaults.A good therapist can help you with this problem, but not all therapists are alike. Find someone with an MSW (Master of Social Work degree) specializing in treating adult survivors of child sexual abuse. These professionals have the specialized training necessary to successfuly help you.I speak from experience: my wife is a survivor of CSA. Unfortunately our marriage has fallen apart due to the affects. For years she denied the issue, until she hit rock bottom. She has finally entered into therapy. I pray she finds peace, even if it is too late for us.So you are lucky, you still have a relationship - a little bumpy but still loving. With the right help you can get through this together.God bless.

Irene, I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.I would like to recommend a book to you if you believe in God. (It might help if you don't believe but not too sure) It is called the Search For Significance by Robert S.McGee--it is awesome for anyone who comes from an abusive situation and in general for building your self esteem. There are a whole series..Search For Freedom, Peace...I've only read and done the workbook for Search for significance and it has changed my life. True, I still messed up after reading it but now am back into it again.I could not even make love to my husband for the first year and a half of our marriage due to my repressed memories of abuse. (I think more stuff happened that I don't remember but don't think I can handle finding out) I went to a specialist who was extremely cruel to me (I thought it was a medical prob) and such an idiot he never suggested I see a counselor. My H is one incredible guy to put up with me. Now after d-day in February, (I am a WS), I find it hard a lot of days to receive his love. Which is weird because when I got better, I had this insatiable need for sex. H is also 44 and nearly 6 yrs older than me. He has survived thyroid cancer which wiped him out physically (and is when I got involved in EA) So I understand a lot of your pain. Sounds like your H has issues to work on too. It's good to hear that even if it takes a couple hours to resolve your differences you work it through.Do you think your H has inappropriate relationships/reactions to other girls/women as some kind of rebound or something? What do you mean by inappropriate..is he too huggy, touchy, etc? I know this must hurt you like crazy. I hope he will honor you by stopping that kind of behaviour. I am so proud of you for telling him your needs honestly.Hang in there. As you can tell, lots of us are survivors and still working out our own hurts but finding healing, too. I sure hope this happens for both of you. ------------------ Fresh Start