My husband and I have been married for 23 years. We have two children 12 and 14. Hubby works full time goes to school 3 classes and foes A.F Reserves two times a week. He told me he had NO sexual desire. He feels like it has to do with me, I have not been a good homemaker. I watch TV and really dont get alot of stuff done. I have been working really hard this week to declutter our home. I am going to keep the home a plesent place for him to come home to. I have been reading fall in love stay in love and listening to the tapes. Hubby and I talked last night and he is also going to read the books. I can do without the sex for awhile.... If he would just give me affection. Also I will note my husband is a very good Christian man. Anyone have anything that might help?

Hoping someone will read my post and reply soonnnnnnnnnnn.

It's good that you are aware of changes that you need to make. You should also read His Needs, Her Needs and read the articles on this site. There are questionarres that you can both fill out. Please use the sources here. And keep posting.

Thanks for your reply. I am readinf the His needs Her needs. We are ging to buy the workbooks Monday. Is there anything I can do over the weekend? Keep in mind that I will only see him Sat evening, and part of Sunday. He has class and Reserves this week end.

How do I get him to at least so me some affection? Help I am really feeling so lonely

I still need some answers please help!

Just want you to know you are not alone out there. I am sorry for your pain and unhappiness in your marriage. You have taken an important initial first step. You recognize there are things you need to change. If having a clean, pleasant home is important to your H (as it is to most) then it's good you are spending time decluttering your home. If you feel your H spends too much time away from home with work, school and weekend military duties, then you will obviously want to find out what he needs to want to be with you more. You are doing this with the books and questionaires. It is great that he is willing to do this with you! That means you both want to work for a stronger, more meaningful relationship. I had to smile (wryly) when you wrote that your H is a good Christian man. Because if he is (and I'm sure he is) then he would be loving to you, filling his role in your life as a H. Intimacy, affection, all that. Of course, it is your responsibility to communicate to your H that that is important to you! You have found it missing in your life now and you are willing to do something about it.<p>This all takes time. He isn't going to come home from duty this weekend and immediately fill your needs for affection just because the house is clean. Just a prediction. You have made such an important start, though, and I wish you much success. Keep reading and posting.<p>--Take care.

thanks you are right he will not come home and into my arms. I will keep trying to show him I mean business. I just feel so alone, and in pain

Update, the whole family went to Church today, and it was so wonderfull. It was about Be Still and listen to God, the storms in ours lives. I think after this morning I am going to focus on listening to what God is telling me and Keep working hard to keep things plesent around our home so He will be happier. Hubby also came home Sat. and spent some time with me...it was not Quality time but time never the less. Thanks to those who answered my post, and feel free to answer this one too!

I am sorry that you are going through this. Speaking as a man it is very hard to be in the work force where women are ambitious, hard working and intellectually challenging and then come to a home where this may not be the case. Please don't take this as a condemnation, I don't mean it that way. But this is how a man thinks and feels. We don't want wives who have stagnated when we are around women all day who are the opposite. This will kill any desire for affection, sex or communication. The problem may be deeper than a clean home and no TV. This is something you need to talk about with him and be prepared for a hard answer. <p>The good news is that you have a good mind and heart - that is evident - and you can change. But it will take time for him to be re-won to you. There is a good book by Gary Smalley called "Winning YOur Husband Back Before It is Too Late." There is another good book that is an older one by Linda Dillow called "Creative Counterpart." Both are very good.<p>One more point, you name says that you home school. I know many families that do this - we did for a few years ourselves. In all cases I have seen the wife has become a teacher and mother and has little time and almost no energy to be the wife her husband needs. Note - not the wife she thinks she should be, but the wife he needs you to be. We gave it up for this reason - I did not marry a school teacher, but a wife.<p>Our Father will help you, but it may be a while before you two can repair your marriage, so be patient and keep at it. Don't smother him - he is withdrawing and the LAST thing a man wants at a time like this is to be desperately hung onto. Keep your dignity and your femininity, and work quietly at your marriage. You will win his respect, then his love again.

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 12:52 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Have you had HIM read the book HNHN yet? All the stories of couples that wound up in affairs scarred the crud outa me! Also get "Love Busters".<p>I am the boring back to basics guy. I discovered this site after reading one of Dr Harleys books. And ever since I read posts like yours of pain and panic that comes of not knowing there is a problem and not understanding, it let alone know how to fix it. So READ THE BOOKS! "Love Busters" teaches us about our bad habbits that destroy romantic love and how to eliminate them from our relationships. "His Needs Her Needs" teach us how to meet each others needs and to build up romantic love. I recomend you order Love Busters(online here or amazon) There is lots of other good materiel here but get the books, read them (I recomend LB first), both of you.
Marriage is one place where ignorance is not bliss.
May God be with you both.