Most of us have a real problem with the images and obsessions getting in the way of our healing. Over the last week I have been working hard at finding tools to change those images. I think that just getting rid of them is too much to expect so I have tried to form new ones that are more constructive in the healing process.<BR>For instance, the phone bills showed me that H always phoned OW on his way to and from work, and whenever we came home from a night out. I decided to use this to my advantage. I have created an image of her sitting by the phone waiting, while we were out to dinner with friends in a fancy restaurant. He certainly never took her to nice places with his friends! I have a new image of her looking at the phone on March 8 expecting that call in the morning and not getting it.<BR>I created an image of H showing up repeatedly at her house drunk as a skunk (not pretty). He hasn't been drunk since Feb. but that was what she usually received.<BR>I could go on and on but my point is that this is a tool that I am using to replace those other images - it seems easier than simply trying to get rid of them.<BR>Does anyone else have any suggestions or tools that they use downsize the affair and OP in their mind? I think this could help a lot.<BR>

WOW wasstubborn!! Thanks! I don't have anything to add but let me try your suggestions for a few days. I think this might REALLY help me! I am getting bogged down in harmful images. Like, for instance, instead of remembering her calling 6 times while I was in labor 4 hours, I'll remember how anxious and miserable she must have been knowing h and I were celebrating and intimate moment with the birth of our child and SHE was having to put on a happy face and give EVERYONE at the office the update on how I was doing and how my beautiful baby was! HA!! I like this image MUCH better. Stubborn, you put the first genuine smile on my face that I have had in days!!!!!!!

WS:<P>I like that idea. I, too, have used my imagination to help with the images. I know my W's OM had a lousy job and was very unhappy with his own marriage, so I picture him at the end of a REALLY bad day at work, sighing at the prospect of having to go home and face his wife (who now knows of at least two affairs he's had). I picture him being miserable with his life and it makes me feel better!<P>I also picture him picking up the phone to call my W, and then suddenly remembering that I'm bigger and stronger than him and deciding he'd rather be miserable than get his face stomped in by me!<P>It's helpful for me too!<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<BR>

sis<BR>I'm so glad this helps. Keep doing it!! It really seems to work. I used to have these images of her being in complete control but now that I'm working on this the anger is leaving and I really see how pathetic that kind of life must be. I almost pity her.(I said ALMOST)<P>Hey Lone Star<BR>We were posting at the same time so I'm adding this. I like your idea of remembering what you have that he doesn't - the size.<BR>I have some thing OW doesn't have - BRAINS!<p>[This message has been edited by wasstubborn (edited May 27, 1999).]

I, too, get caught up in what OW has and I don't. Using y'all's (great English teacher word!) methods, I can EVEN turn her LARGE breast into liabilities:<BR>1. They probably already sag down to her knees.<BR>2. She'll NEVER know the freedom/joy of going BRALESS!!!!!!!<BR> Sorry, had to go with it!! Another BIG smile for me, though!!!!!!!

sis<BR>Same situation for me!! I made up an image that if I ever ran into OW, I would look her up and down then say "My H always did like me better with a few extra pounds!" Not that he does but you get the point!

Ohhh, I like this. Let me try. Instead of making myself sick every Saturday night ehrn he is with her, I just remind myself that every other night I'm the one who gets to go to bed with him. The other night we were looing for new investments for some money he has (not very romantic, but something he lies to share with me). He turned to me and said you know I don't research stock with anybody else. She might have more money than me, but who has more influence over him? ME that's right.<P>As a side note: you guys might want to take a look at my post 'your needs met". I think you'll like it.

tornapart<BR>You've got the picture!!!You can use this tool for so much strength and it's not hard to remember what you have if you try!!!<BR>I did read your post Loved it and have already printed it up. You're doing great!!

Hey, WS:<P>I have a LOT that the OM doesn't have: Brains, earning power, size (I think you know what I mean!! Okay, okay. Poor taste, but I couldn't resist the jab at him), and personality.<P>But the MOST important thing I have that OM doesn't have is my wife! Heh! No matter what else he has, I have her and he doesn't!<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<BR>

Lone Star<BR>We have to get those jabs in don't we. I like all this positive stuff guys. let's build that self esteem!!!!!!!

I wish I could do this. But I don't know how. All I can think of the way they made each other feel. I know that he would tell her about when we would go to dinner with friends. She told him that he had better had gotten his fill of Mexican food because she hated it and when they were together she won't go there with him. I do know (think) that when I had our little girl that the contact stopped for a few days and she knew that he was with me. That does put a smile on my face. But then I wonder if when they did talk if they bad mouthed me? It would have made it easier for her.

Monique:<P>There's a positive right there: You have a "part" of him because YOU are the mother of his child. She isn't. Guess that makes you pretty important (at least in MY eyes it does). <P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<BR>

AAARRRGGGHHHH. The dreaded "double-post."<P> <p>[This message has been edited by Lone Star (edited May 27, 1999).]

HI WS, GREAT!!!!<BR>I am so happy to read this this morning. You have no idea what a huge boost you just gave me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!! <BR>I like that drunk image, and it hits home. H states he was drunk everytime. I think I will picture him slobbering drunk, really loud and aggressive, which he gets. Many years ago I stopped having sex with him while he was drunk because he was way too rough and aggressive. Ahhh, is this a cause or an effect of the relationships??? Ohhh, just recognized that and need to think.<BR>Sex while drinking is fine, but not while drunk!<BR>I always have envisioned the OWs that I do not know as fat, young and zitty, stringy hair, missing teeth, cellulite, stretch marks, with stinky feet. During sex I would see the OW putting her stinnky feet in H's face and him passing out from smell and alcohol!! Gross. <BR>Thanks WS. Have a great thursday!

Monique<BR>I know this can be tough but practice it.<BR>She probably said that about mexican food because she was jealous. She doesn't want to admit you exist so they probably weren't bad mouthing you. Take these images and work them to your benefit. Use your imagination to see her jealous and alone and waiting!!! It's your imagination and you can do anything you want with it!!! I know you can!

cl<BR>I'm so glad you are enjoying this. It's the most fun I've had in months!!!!<BR>I've been quiet for a few days because I've been working on a lot! Maybe those zoloft are kicking in?<BR>BTW<BR>Great news! My H finally told me something negative about the OW. He said she is SELFISH just like I said. This is a major step forward since he avoids saying anything about her.<BR>

I've got one better. The night of the episode of H and OW, later, he was in my bed with me. And the next night when we were out in the hot tub, she got out first. And he was in my bed that night too, while she stayed on the couch by herself.(she's my sister-in-law and stayed the weekend). And she knows he told me all her "secrets" within a week, which really upset her"well, isn't that nice" were her exact words. And she knows we went down to St. Martin for two weeks, no kids, two weeks later. My other sister-in-law, who knows nothing about this sent an e-mail to them innocently saying how tanned and relaxed we looked when we got back.HAHA, that's icing. You're right, this definately puts a smile on my face.

prism<BR>I love the stories and the smiles. Keep it up. <BR>I have to go plant my garden now before it rains. Keep enjoying this everybody - I'm going to spend the whole day doing it. SUCH THERAPY!!!!!

Thanks, WS! When my H wanted to bring a photo of the baby to put on his desk at work, it bothered me. I didn't want her to have anything to do with my kids -- even to see a photo of them! You've helped me see it in a different light (especially now that he's broken it off). <P>I think I'll find an especially good picture of our beautiful children and have it blown up for his office today. (Of course, I'd rather I was in the picture too, but that might be pushing it too far just yet).

Animac<BR>You're doing great!!! I'm so happy for you. Use that mind, don't let it use you.<BR>I REALLY have to go plant my garden now!!!

I gave my husband a picture fam that has a little saying on it about how important family is and I filled it with pictures of our children and myself. Maybe he will look at it and think of us.

WS, you are great! I've been feeling low lately, and this thread really helped! Now, instead of the terrible images, I'm trying to imagine H thinking of me & wanting to be with me while he was with OW. Also, I know I'm more attractive than she is. She asked H what I look like...he told her I look like Grace from the TV show Will & Grace (not true, but OW doesn't know that! )<BR>Also, H says she's "big boned" and very tall. Don't know if this is true, but it's much better to imagine H with an ugly amazon woman than a runway model!<P>All the best everyone!<BR>TBH

What a great topic!! I love it!! <P>I have lots of those mental images! I don't know exactly what day H and OW did their 'thing', but I DO know that every day when he came home from work he gave me a hug and a big kiss....when I think of this, I can almost see her insides churning...watching us together, seeing how happy he was to come home to me. AND...watching us walk hand in hand to our bedroom every night while she slept out here ALONE! haha! And I know she heard us back there (y'all know what I mean! )<P>Thanks WS...what a great idea!<P>If y'all haven't read my post from last night, please read it...H and I are making progress, despite my horrible day yesterday!

WS...thank you soooo much!!! This is so what I needed today. I've been trying this to some extent, but not enough. Every night when H and I climb into bed and make love I think "She never did and never will know this". When H holds our daughter I remind myself that she will never know that with him either. I'm going to try to imagine her lonely, alone and miserable. <P>------------------<BR>Joan

TBH & HJF<BR>I know those images are especially hard at the beginning so I'm glad this helps you.<P>Joanie<BR>She may not know this but imagine what she is WONDERING!!! She probably has some pretty awful images too!<P>My latest image from the garden:<BR>The night I phoned OW, I told her H was about to become available but she should know that he lied to her more than he lied to me. Now picture her sitting there waiting for him to call or show up and wondering what lies I was talking about. I phoned her at 10:30 PM on a week night. How do you think she did at work the next day?<BR>We have to remember that they are wondering more than we are!!!!

Just thought of another one...<P>I can just see her on that bus back to Missouri on May 1st. Three screaming kids for a 14 hour bus ride, and nothing but time for her to think about what she had done. I hope the guilt ate her up!<P>Oh!! And another one. The day she called here looking for a phone number, I just hung up on her...no nasty words, just a click. At that moment she had to have known that I knew...and I can see her sitting there stewing about it! P*ssed off that H told me, when she was so sure he wouldn't. And knowing that she lost a 14 year friendship.<P>And now I can sit here and think "Take THAT!"

WS,<P>I love this. You know we give the OP much to much power over us. She had just a few moments of time with my H. She doesn't know that during the whole thing he was making love to me usually twice a day. Of course, he wouldn't share that with her would he! She too is miserable in her marriage and won't let her H touch her. She has no friends and everyone at church knows WHAT SHE IS!!! Though I don't really think she has remorse or shame. Don't forget WS that not only do you have brains, you have a heart - something she is totally lacking, you are warm and compassionate - not cold and conniving.<P>Sis: I have big breasts! I go braless. OK, so they sag a little. <P>LoneStar: You are soooo funny. <P><p>[This message has been edited by EverAfter (edited May 27, 1999).]

Everafter<BR>I'm so glad everybody is getting something out of this. I was a little hesitant to post it because when I started doing the exercise it seemed so obvious that I thought Maybe I was the only one that hadn't caught on!!<BR>Thanks so much for the compliment too. Gave me a little happy tear.

WS & all,<P>I hope you don't mind, seeing as how I come from the other side of the fence so to speak.... but I have read this, and think I can help me too.<P>I am imaging my "friend" being coniving and jealous of what my H & I have. Being a 'thief' for trying to steal what is not his. I realize that I was "blind" to it for a while, but I did wake up. This really helps me in regards to the e-mail he keeps trying to send me. I hope you don't mind that I am using your idea as well. Thanks for posting it.<P>Dawn

Dawn<BR>I'm very glad you used this. My point was that we all need to use our minds to defeat our own demons, no matter what side of the fence we are on. We are all trying to recover and I really think that we are all on the same side!!!

WS<BR>Thanks! I know we are on the same side! The Building side! I hope some of the others can use this too!<BR>Dawn

EverAfter -- I'm not "against" big boobs -- just hers !!!<BR>WS -- See what a GREAT thing you started. I'm posting to send it back to the top! I was remembering how MISERABLE I was when I found H at OW's house. Then, I thought about how SHE felt when H was so upset that he basically didn't show up at work the next day and left her WONDERING all weekend (we got a TON of hangup calls), knowing we were celebrating our son's 3rd b-day. THEN, she got told on Monday that she needed to start looking for a new job. She pouted around and tried to get a rise out of H. He ignored her. She shouted out on Tuesday, "you really DON'T care, do you?" and cried all day Mon. and Tues. THEN, after he told me on Tuesday night they had really been having sex the whole time, he told her on Thursday that she needed to go NOW. She stormed out, ripped pictures off the wall, and quit!!!! I LOVE this image.

sis<BR>I love your image too. The great thing about these images is that we have complete control over them!!<BR>I'm finding that the more I use them, the more distant the other images become.<BR>I'm getting back control of my mind!!! Isn't it great? I'm just sooooo glad it's helping so many other people!

I have a couple of fresh images myself. Caught my wife with the other man doing it on his living room floor yesterday. They were so bold as to leave his window open. I found out the old f*** has a big fat belly. He stood in his door in his shorts telling me I had to leave as I stood on his front porch proclaiming what a f*** the good Dr. was for f****** my wife. Another good image I have is my wife told me I interrupted them in before he could get his rocks off. I know understand why the poor sap had such a sorry look on his face when he say me standing in his doorway. My wife also told me about a wart he has on his side that grossed her out. My image is of him as big old fat wart hog. The other image is him going to work on Monday tring to explain the message I left on his office answering machine. He's a phsycologist, so after I caught him and my wife doing it again I called his office and left a message with my name and phone number and asked if Dr. SoSo has a habit of screwing other mens wifes since he sure had a habit of screwing mine. I also asked if there was any kind of ethics involved for psycologist regarding having sex with other mens wifes. Felt a little guilty about this after words, but then remembered that I had sent the SOB a letter warning him to stay out of my life(wife) and I would stay out of his. He called me back all appologetic for what he had done, but warned me not to contact him anymore. What I realized is that I am still married to my wife and if he is stupid enought to keep having sex with her, I am going to stay in his life. I also relized that he had a big partscrewing my life up and making it difficult for me to work, so I figured he may as well experience some of what I have been going through with my work. <P>Hope my venting isn't out of line, but having a really bad Memorial Day Weekend.

Tim<BR>Use those images to make the OM the insignificant, weak, user that he is. I know you are going through a tough time right now. My thoughts are with you.<BR>BTW I've always wanted to phone OW's work and tell the other ladies to watch out because she sleeps with married men. No one there knows this and I'd love to do it. But I know she isn't worth it. I'd still enjoy it though!!!!

ws -- I've come pretty close to doing that myself!!! ESPECIALLY since I have friends at her new office. BUT, I wouldn't want her knowing that I still even THINK about her.

Yesterday afternoon I called the hospitol where my wife and the other man both work. I asked the receptionist that answered the phone if the other man(Dr.) was on the floor my wife worked on much. I had a need to know this and didn't trust my wife anymore. She told me he wasn't. I also told her that the Dr. was having an affair with my wife. Not sure where that will go, but I did it. Not sure it makes me feel any better. <P>Revenge aint always sweet, but sometimes it is needed. I didn't do it to hurt anybody, but to try and understand and also let both of them now that their games hurt others. Sometimes reality is important to understand.

TimJ <BR>Sometimes when they have to deal with the world knowing, the fantasy isn't so pretty anymore!!

Right On, TimJ! Did you tell the receptionist the Dr. is fat and warty too?<P>I love it....<P>Connie

WS,<P>I LOVE this!!! When I asked my H how was the OW looks like, he told me that she is just so-so. So I pictured her in my mind that she must be a very bright and succesful young lady but now I could picture her with pimples & bad hair (I convinced my self that my long black hair is smooth and silky) lonely and miserables and needs my H to find her a date (well, the last one was my H excuse to comfort me) so I thought out loud : NO WONDER YOU CAN'T GET A DECENT DATE, YOU HAVE SUCH A BEHAVIOUR!!!<BR>I am not worried about her peers doesn't know what she is doing because I got the information from her best friend who happened to be my Mom's client's sisters. So at least I knew that he peers looked down on her of what she was doing too!!! Moreover, her best friend told her sister who is my Mom's client that she is knows as a Husband/Boyfriend Stealer because she thought that they are more challenging. Now I got a better picture that she is a mentally sick woman who is unable to have her own happiness without ruins others. Poor her!!! <P>Saskia<p>[This message has been edited by Saskia (edited May 31, 1999).]

Saskia<BR>It's nice to be able to control those images a little isn't it?<BR>If anybody else has any good suggestions please give them!!!

wasstubborn<BR>Great idea!!! This has really helped me sooooo much. This also made me realize how much "power" I had given to the ow. I don't post to often, but I've follow your posts. Our stories are very similar, in both the situations and length of time. thanks again....really the boost I've needed!!!

too sad<BR>I'm glad this gave you a boost. I'm having a bit of a crappy day today but it always cheers me up to know I helped someone!!!

Just wanted to say thank you for this post. My H even used it. See she was looking at some t-shirts in a store. She went in with my H to buy our children gifts from him from Nashville. My H said "I like this shirt" and bought it with two toys for our son. He put the shirt in his bag and was only thinking of me when he bought it. I know she must have been thinking he bought it for her and how pissed she must have been when she reliezed it was for his wife. That event actually lead to the end of the affair, because then she started playing MORE games with him. Trying to make him jealous with the other men at the conference. What a SLUT!!! I am really getting the hang of this.. I really really love this idea. Monique.<BR>Just wanted to bring this great idea up again!

Monique!!!<P>You got it!! YES!!!<P>Now he can't say he's worried about those images! You are gonna have the tools to replace those too!<P>You two are going to have a fine marriage.<P>Boy that ow was a real weirdo... I can see why your husband just loves you so much. What a cutie you are!!!<P>Connie

I am so very glad that while I was here I started a post that has been so much help to so many people!!!<BR>Take care everyone and keep using those images to your advantage!!!!

I found it for you TnT<P>for everyone.....<BR> <A HREF="http://www2.bluemountain.com/cards/box8595b/xwx9yxkwsijrpa.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www2.bluemountain.com/cards/box8595b/xwx9yxkwsijrpa.htm</A> <P>Happy Day to Everyone!

thanks a million WS:<BR>Have you people thought of this?imagine a hotel room and your H telling OW "sorry i can not stay longer, i have to go home!!HE HE<P>and weekends H is always with us! Imagine OW fridays (hehe) soo lonly..<P>and.. OW waiting for H to leave us and after 4 months she is still waiting.<P>and i have a nicer car and a very very nice HOUSE!!<P>and i am size 5 !!!and she is not.HE HE she must hate me for that!!<P>I love to imagine OW waiting and waiting and waiting....<P>This is really fun!!!<P><BR>thanks WS you made my day!!

WS:<BR>It has been a while and I was doing ok. I slipped real bad. I will try your system... I have him but he is so distant I need a self esteem boost. <BR>

This image would be real sweet ... The OW with smeared runny makeup , Bad breath, Rotten teeth, Black racoon eyes and 50 lbs overweight, itching with flea bites , and reaking of alchol sweat ! Tee Hee Of course the morning after when H wakes up to see her ! LOL<P>------------------<BR><BR>Katana<BR>

Thanks so much, WS!!! I needed a good laugh! I always thought of her as successfully picking up her pieces and moving on to the next man-even though I heard otherwise. Now I envision her in the state I've heard she's been in. I also think she's nervous because she thinks I can turn her in if I find out! (She was with him at her office during office hours, missed an appointment with a child for it!) I will once again turn that over in my mind!!! HHHHEEEE HHHHEEEE !!!!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<BR>

I like this idea, and I love all the positive messages each of you give to each other. I an new to this and going through each post and reply, all I see is positive healthy replies, it makes me feel good that people in this world to care to help others they don't even know or have even seen.<P>Love covereth, Proverbs 10:12

I have an image of the cops all of a sudden pounding on the door of the motel room where my W and her OM are going at it. The cops break open the door and bust the two of the them (who don't even have time to get dressed) for possession and use of cocaine and him for dealing cocaine. I'm REAL interested when I get her phone call to come down and post bail for her at the excuses she manages to come up with for being arrested! Boy, does she spin a real tale to make her sound innocent. She just happened to be in the vicinity, she was having lunch at the motel restaurant with a friend and the cops arrested her by mistake. I gently point out, as I pick her up at the police station, that that's not the story they told ME.<P>--Wex

Pulling this up for the newcomers.