Plan A - 101 - 12/30/99 03:49 AM
I've decided to write about some of the basics of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>I originally created a post on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>… and after having a few sessions with Steve Harley… he convinced me to stay with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>… and outlined for me some vital elements that were missing from my interpretation of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>. This is what I wish to share with anyone who has an interest. Comments here include my discussions with Steve Harley and may, because of the particulars of my situation, not be appropriate for everyone's situation. Again, this is <I>my</I> take on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>I welcome as many comments on other points of view... I am not <B>the</B> expert... you've got to go the Harley's for that!<P>First a few quotes from <B><I>the book</I></B>... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#3.) The (betrayed) spouse needs to know that he/she had done his/her best to save their marriage. (page 76 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#4.) If the (betrayed) spouse follows the plans (A & B), and they(the plans) fail, the (betrayed) spouse would no longer have any feelings of love for the wayward spouse. (page 76 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>To this end... one needs to note a few important aspects of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR><OL TYPE=A> <BR><LI> Both <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> are a cohesive collection of steps that lead one down a <B>very narrow path</B> of marital recovery… They must work together if <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> does not work by itself.<BR><LI> You start <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> only after some time in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... a normal amount of time in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> could/should be about 6 months... but can be as little almost nothing to much more than 6 months.<BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> can only be as effective as <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> was in setting up a foundation for the establishing a "safe" environment for the wayward spouse to return!<BR><LI> That environment created in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> must also be "non-threatening", yet "changing" where the wayward can clearly see that there are improvements made in the betrayed's ability to meet the wayward's emotional needs.<BR><LI> Continuing in Plan A is recommended until the wayward ultimately show signs of complete rejection of accepting there have been improvements by the betrayed… and/or the betrayed's feelings turn to one of overt anger… and resentment!<BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> should be put off as long as possible and builds off the benefits derived from <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<BR><LI> Damaging a good track record of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> can be done in as little as one day of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A> and what the betrayed remembers is the most recent actions before <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>!<BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> has to have a seamless transition from <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>, because once the betrayed is in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> there is <B>no more laying down a foundation!</B><BR><LI> The main element of <B><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A></B> is to have the waiting spouse avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, annoying behavior and dishonesty at all costs! These are the five most common forms of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>! <BR><LI> By avoiding all possible <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> there are no withdrawals from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> of the wayward spouse. Any withdrawals weaken the case for a "safe" environment for the wayward to return to.<BR><LI> In general… <B>anything</B> that would make the wayward unhappy can be deemed as a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>!. One time <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> are bad enough… but repetitive occurrences are disastrous.<BR><LI> The wayward defines the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>… <B>not the waiting spouse</B>.<BR><LI> There is an exception that Steve Harley recognizes (as far as a "valid" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>… and that would be, actions needed to protect the waiting spouse and/or children especially from physical harm. These actions, although they may be perceived as <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> by the wayward… can not be tolerated!<BR><LI> Additionally "active divorce proceedings" require that only facts (as objectively as possible) be presented to the courts… with honest truthfulness being very important. This, Steve Harley regards as a "gray" area of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A>.<BR><LI> The waiting spouse must keep the focus that they are <B>still married</B>. That they still have their spouse!<BR><LI> Deposits into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> of the wayward should still be attempted…even if the waiting spouse doesn't know the actual needs of the wayward… At a minimum "trial and error" in determining the important emotional needs can be used.<BR><LI> The waiting spouse must reassess their concept of "level of fairness"… and be willing to be the catalyst of <B>all</B> actions needed to improve the chance of recovery. This is sometimes referred to as the "doormat" issue… Having to do it all with no contribution from the wayward… sometimes even to the detriment of the waiting's self-respect/self-esteem…. Steve asks the rhetorical question… "Would you be a <B>doormat</B> for 3 months if you'd get $1,000,000 at the end?"<BR><LI> Avoid those you would suck you into believing your self-esteem/respect will suffer. You will have the rest of your life to rebuild it… if it does suffer. In most cases… doing the more noble action is a builder of self-respect/esteem.<BR><LI> "You have no rights when your married"… if you believe in divorce as <B>not being an option!</B> The taker cannot take over in Plan A! Steve Harley says… at divorce time… if during Plan A you keep your self-respect, and self-esteem as the most important issues… that you "stood up for yourself"… the judge will say "good for you… now you're single!"<BR><LI> Focus must be on building back that <B>passion</B> and realizing that that romantic love is <B>VERY</B> conditional as was the process of falling in love.<BR><LI> For those who pray… should pray for "clarity" of the wayward's mind… and your own "patience and focus".<BR></OL><P>If you accept <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... seek also the support and fellowship of the people on the Forum... you'll need it! <P>I have a post already on Plan B… see <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A>. My experiences of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A>, and other's here at the forum, are meant to enlighten… not be treated as a replacement for formal counseling.<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 29, 1999).]