This isn't an issue for me yet, as I haven't met anyone that I'd be in a position to "trust" but I have had several of my friends ask me this.

My current thinking is that I don't think this will be a problem as I don't blame the whole female race for the choices of my stxWW. But who knows maybe the cut runs deeper than I thought?

People who have gone through this, was this an issue for you in your future relationships?

Well Harley's position is that you should never completely trust your spouse and your spouse should never completely trust you. You should both allow each other full access to any part of your life that the other finds question about.

So, Miker, there is no question about learning to trust again. There is only the question of when you will feel ready for emotional intimacy again.

Sunny

Hi Miker

I had two serious relationships after I divorced my XWH. I married man #2. I have to say that there were -- and are -- times when trust issues come up. In a sick way, it is a good thing that Hubby was a victim of adultery in his first marriage, too. He understands my fears. He is quick to reassure me in whatever ways I need, ie. giving me passwords to his computer accounts and never taking calls from female co-workers in private. I think the policy of radical honesty comes into play quite frequently. It helps that we're on the same page. So was I able to trust again? Absolutely. Do I somtimes have paranoid thoughts? Yes. Will those fears ever go away. I hope so. In time.

Mrs. W8ing

Well, I'll just quote our 40th President on this one Miker....

"Trust but Verify"

I myself found it easy to trust people, it wasn't everyone on the planet that violated my trust....Just One. Although, it may be because I am an open book and honest myself and expect others to be as well.

Or maybe I'm just a rube...lol

This is one area of infidelity that is tough, I had a GF cheat on me years ago, like 20-22 years ago, but I didn't really care then because I had nothing invested in the relationship. I broke up with her and that was that, no kids so no reason to bother with it. I trusted people after that.

If my WWXW and I didn't have kids together, I wouldn't have given a second thought to kicking her out and divorcing her immediately. The kids are what motivated me to try and do anything I could to resolve the situation, it didn't work but I'm glad I did all I could.

Which brings me to the future, I trust people because I trust myself.

I expect honesty because I am honest.

I expect fidelity because I am true.

I have learned a lifetimes worth of lessons the last 15-16 months and this is what I carry with me.

I'll follow the MBing lifestyle forever, I'll do everything in there, but that still doesn't guarantee anything because there are none in life.

Since I am not able to have children anymore, I will not have that connection with a future wife (if there ever is one) so this is what I know I WILL NOT do....

I will never subject myself to what I have been through the last 16 months ever again.

There will never be "Surviving an Affair" going on ever again.

I'll mind the principles, I'll do what's right, if I have to read "His needs, her needs" everyday for the rest of my life to make sure things are good I will do it.

I do all those things and a mate still cheats on me?

Done, over, sayanora, see 'ya later, buh-bye, have a nice life.

I wouldn't change much about the last 16 months, I grew, became a better man, learned a lot about myself, I learned a lot about what I am willing to live with, live without, and can't do without.

I also learned I will never deal with a cheater again.

That being said Miker, you will trust again, I did....

"Trust but Verify" Buddy

RebornMan

Miker,

Remember the story of the frog and the scorpion? The female scorpion was isolated by a large pool of water but was able to convince the reluctant frog to let her ride on his back. She told him that if she stung him during the trek to dry land, that she also would die. The frog agreed to carry her on his back and just as they were approaching the half way point, the scorpion stung him. He asked her why she stung him knowing full well that she also would die, she responded 'I can't help it. I'm a scorpion, it's what I do.' Well this frog has learned his lesson about never again ignoring the huge red flags in front of him and flatly refusing to give piggyback rides to female scorpions no matter how convincing their words maybe. Besides I now have me a little female froggy who is my mate for life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

TMCM

Hear hear!

I would also not deal with a cheater. It would be "adios man, don't let the door hit you on the way out!" It's right up there with physical abuse. Don't need to think about it - I'm just not a person who is willing to go through what it takes to repair this type of broken marriage. My first H cheated - I didn't find out until we had split up, but when I did, I instantly knew it was OVER no questions no turning back.

There are other kinds of "cheating" besides affairs - dishonesty, passive aggressiveness, secretly drinking, secretly viewing porno... I would argue some of these can be as destructive as affairs. Having been a victim of all of the above in my current M (except for the affair) I don't know if I will ever trust that someone will be honest with me again.

My H's family would suddenly decide you had not done something you should have - and you would be blacklisted and badmouthed without your knowledge. You'd guess something was wrong - because suddenly everyone was chilly towards you and wouldn't invite you to family events, but nobody would admit it. (They did it to me, and to my H).

I feel that my H did that to me too. I guess he learned from the best! I had never had the experience before of falling out of favor with someone for NO REASON, with nothing that had happened, and without my knowledge. It really shook me to the core - made me wonder how you can ever trust that people who like you will continue to like you. I suspect - from all I've read on this board - that it is more common in intimate relationships (than other kinds of relationships) that people harbor resentments that the other person doesn't know about, and one day they blow up with no warning.

The thing with dishonesty is if you are a trusting person, you believe the liar who says everything is fine. If you take responsibility for your own feelings, you assume others do too and don't question the seemingly pleasant facade.

How do you know you are being lied to? That your spouse is secretly mad as h*ll at you but won't say so?

Yes, I will trust again.

I can't condem 1/2 the population just because of my WW's actions.

Most importantly, I have to learn to trust myself, my own judgment again. That has been difficult, but I am learning to trust my instincts. They tend to be right.

I think this will be a non-starter for me as well. Considering what this type of behaviour did to me, my kids, my friends, and my family I think I would have a very, very, VERY difficult time looking past that regardless of how they framed the situation. I would like to see the good in people, but to me that would be a huge black smudge all over them...

But someone with a clean record... Why shouldn't I trust them?

Miker

The infedelity I can get past, and if that was all there was to it... then yeah, I could easily trust again. The problem for me has been the downward spiral of physchotic behavior I have been on the receiving end from my XWW. It has all but turned me off dating altogether. I don't know if I will ever be able to open myself up to all that again. I know, I know... not ALL women are like XWW. I realize that. But I don't think I want to be vulnerable even 1/10th of this crap again.

Time will tell, but for now... the answer is NO!

Do you all think infidelity is the only trust-breaker? I'm wondering if this thread is about trust in general, or speciflcally about trust with respect to having been a BS.

If this is a threadjack - blast away!

Deja,

I don't think affairs are the only trust breaker or deal breaker...

But in the context of our conversation here it is certainly #1 on my list of deal-breakers.

you can throw alcoholism, gambling addiction, thievery, and lying in there too

Just don't have the stomach, nor the need, to deal with that kind of stuff anymore.

I don't have too so I won't.

I'm better than that and deserve more than that.


RebornMan

I have alot of the same feelings as others have posted.

I'm a very honest person - and maybe I'm so honest becoz I know I am the WORSE lier..Everyone sees right thru me when I try to tell a "white lie"..so ..I expect the person that I love to be honest as well..

As for trusting a partner that they won't lie, cheat, steal,
etc. from me...I don't know that for me it's about "trust" for me now it's deeper than that..It's a scar that will probably never heal..It's an ugly couple of years (though probably more than I know) that I'll never forget. It's being in a totally dysfunctional/unhealthy relationship for way too long...the level of deception was very, very deep..and I was too stupid to see it..

Maybe I'm the problem - I'm easy - I let too much go - even with all this dishonesty around me - I've stayed longer than I should have - Co-Dependant??? Maybe...Apparently, since I'm still sitting on the fence waiting to file for the D - I don't know what's best for me.

So should I "trust myself" to make a wise choice in my next relationship..probably not. Would I walk out - see ya later should someone cheat on me again - I doubt I'd walk away that easy - how could I???? Again, I would have loved this person and want to fight for the relationship - so maybe I just need to stay away from a steady relationship..to protect my heart from all this AGAIN...

If your gonna love a dog - be sure it's a 4-legged one....that's the safe choice...