I am really confused and really looking for some good advice, and the male view would be greatly appreciated.
I met a man, who went through a very similar situation as mine, (both of us being the BS and dealing w/ spouses who used drugs while we did not). My first dday was about three years ago, and so was his. even the timing of our situations was similar.

anyway, we live near each other, have kids the sames ages, and have spent time together, just hanging w/ the kids. There seems to be an attraction, and we even shared a kiss.

I feel he is confused, as to whether or not to proceed, as I think he is scared of getting hurt or hurting me. I've decided I have to just back off, because any attempt at reaching out, doesn't really seem to make him comfortable. I do not want him to think I am not interested, but I am totally playing it cool. He has called me the last two times we spoke, and I am unsure where to go from here.He has not "officially" asked me out. It is all very "out there" and frankly I'm tired of it. He did tell me he liked me very much and I also said the same, but he really seems unwilling to move it any further, and really begin dating. I don't want to feel like I am playing/or encouraging games here. I like things to be pretty straightforward. ie, if he is not interested, that's cool, but let me know instead of being vague.

I'd like to go an a date with him. I think he's scared either I'll fall for him or he'll fall for me, there seems to be a lot of physical attraction and emotional potential too. But I'm just backing off, leaving it up to him. I think if he wants to and is able to, he'll pursue me. Is this completely old fashioned thinking? Am I being too stringent? I don't want to miss a nice opportunity, but I feel he is hesitating and I do not want to seem pushy or needy.

I'd really appreciate your input. Thanks.

Are you both fully 100% divorced?

If yes, how long ago, for each of you?

No, he is seperated and very soon to be finished w/ the D process, and I too should be finished within a few months, as long as the lawyers don't hold the process in limbo.

Please, no 2 X 4s, I tried to work on my m for YEARS, to no avail. I tried it all. I nearly made myself INSANE. Then I realized I could not make stbxwh stop having his affair, or make him be who I wished he could be and let it go. I continue to do IC, and have examined every emotion, etc, I've come across.

I think part of my question on this situation is, that I learned w/ stbxwh that you could not control anyone's actions. So I don't want to be way overboard here, but I am letting go to see what this person wants. If he wants me, he knows how to find me. If he doesn't, then he doesn't.

Maybe you think that since we are not officially d'd that is hindering us getting together? I do feel somewhat naive on this whole topic!

Well to me, it seems like he's not ready to date. Maybe in his head he wants to, but his heart might not be. I think you should continue to be his friend, as long as you have no expectations and keep your options open to other opportunities.

Trust me, you do not want to begin a relationship w/ anyone who hasn't fully grieved the end of their previous relationship/marriage and dealt w/ the inherent issues that come along w/ that. You'll only be setting yourself up for heartache.

Yes, I understand your point. And it does make sense. I think that's why my intuition says to just back off, not push it, and just let it be. Friends is great, and whatever will happen , will. It seems there is a lot of chemistry between u s, so it is better to hang out w/ the kids present. It is just hard when you meet someone you genuinely want to get to know, because you sense there is something good there, they've been where you've been and you can share, but .....it just seems like so much external stuff roadblocking it all. I'm not one to be aggressive, I more or less lay back and see.

MOU,

Personally,you need to let this guy go and think of it as "forever".Why? Because the man isn't even D'd yet and it always amazes me that people get involved at that very vulnerable time.And it's just plain wrong.

The other issue is he needs many months to grieve the loss of his marriage and that life.I don't agree with those who get right out and start dating again.There has to be some time period to be on your own,reflect and heal.I would say at least 6 months.But,then that means you are waiting around for all that time.Who knows if you should but it doesn't sound like this man is ready for anything yet.It's too confusing.He needs to be D'd and heal first.And,he is the BS.So,a lot of hurt,unanswered questions and confusion are probably going to plague him for some time.He may even be harboring some secret desire that his marriage will not fail.You never know, that is why a man should be 100% divorced and healed before going out dating again(same to be said for women).

JMO.

Good luck.

O

Hi and thanks for responding. I know some people have very strong feelings about dating pre divorce, I personally believe each situation is different. And really, I was as gung ho as possible about SAVING my marriage, I did not give up without every ounce of effort possible. As for this situation, I am going to just lay back, because I think that is the best thing to do. After being alone for so long, it is easy (and human) to get "happy" that you feel something, rather than pain. But I'm just going to take it for that. The fact that I am able to feel anything other than hurt is awesome. Forget about him forever? I don't think that is necessary. But that's me.

Again, thank you for responding.