Marriage Builders
Posted By: gekko Dating Advice - 04/09/06 04:05 PM
i would appreciate male and female perspectives. three weeks ago i started dating. i have been out three times with one person and this past thursday i ended that - see a previous post plx - and tonight i go on a second "blind date" which is a set-up by friends. the first blind date from last week was with a 25 year old party girl who quite frankly was my polar opposite and i had no use for the situation. i am too old/mature at 35 to hang out with someone who's idea of a good time is alcohol posioning and running from the cops. we're going out again, friday.

but seriously tonight is a 29 year old divorced woman with a two year old son. i have a two year old daughter. this is a set -up from friends as well.

what is the "best" route as far as dating? internet? mutual friends? church? grocery store? dui class? it's been 10 years for me and i only started dating three weeks ago because i was out with friends and a woman flirted/hit on me and i didn't feel weird about it.

just wondering.
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 04/09/06 04:19 PM
it has been 10 years for me as well so I don't know how much help I can be. I am in a very small town and pickins are slim. It was not until maybe like the last month or so that I have felt ready to maybe start doing some casual dating. I have played around with the internet dating site thing but nah... not my cup of tea. Don't really wanna meet someone that way. I am not into the bar scene around here because of said reasons you gave for the successful date you had with the 25 year old. That pretty much sums up the men around here that are in the bars. Church would be a nice place if there is anyone single in it who is anywhere near your age. There's not in mine.

dui class or whatever it was you put... what the h*ll is that? LOL grocery stores, haven't run my cart into anyone lately.... blind dates... russian roulette as far as I am concerned! yikes! gotta love those well meaning friends.

I am hoping through college and subbing in the local school districts to be able to meet some other teachers or something like that. otherwise, if anyone else out there has some great ways to meet non alcoholic non party type 30ish something somewhat responsible people who have all of their own teeth... please do share cuz I would kinda like to know too!!! lol mlhb
Posted By: Karona Re: Dating Advice - 04/09/06 06:40 PM
gekko~
I have tried online dating, even went on two dates with a guy from there. In the end though, online dating just isn't for me. I want to be found.

As far as the grocery store, I wouldn't be opposed to meeting someone there, but I've never been approached.
My church is very family oriented, so that is not an option for me either.

My best bets have been my friends. I have been set up with 3 of my dates thru friends. They all three were nice guys. Two I didn't feel any common interests with, but that doesn't take away from who they are. The third was the best and I saw much potential, but he returned to his previous gf. UGHHHH!!!

My vote is thru friends.
Good luck to you!

Karona
Posted By: gekko Re: Dating Advice - 04/09/06 10:29 PM
my date tonight canceled because of a work commitment, so she says...ha

so i am a little gunshy on the friends thing. but i will heed heed the advice.
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 04/09/06 10:53 PM
oh well... you have the rest of your life ahead of you to partake in the dating scene. In the mean time, you have hot therapist to look at and help you to tweak what you need to tweak... ;-) You will have good dates and bad ones.... And then one day there will be that special one.. I know I am not ready for anything totally serious yet... working on my career right now and being the best mom I can be. So I look forward to just playing the field a bit. Not for sf or anything like that... I am not that kinda girl! haha Just to hang out with people, have a nice time... ya all know what I mean... mlhb
Posted By: gekko Re: Dating Advice - 04/09/06 11:09 PM
thx.

i am going to the grocery store now and look lost in the the romance novel section. that should draw the attention of some woman....

yes that is sarcasm.
Posted By: Karona Re: Dating Advice - 04/09/06 11:15 PM
Hey gekko~~

Let us know how the grocery store pans out for you.

Sorry about your date cancelling out.

Karona
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 04/10/06 12:13 AM
yea, let us know how that works out for ya! ok, I know you were being sarcastic... as a woman, I am totally trying to think where in a grocery store I would find a man most attractive... I will get back to you on that one! haha mlhb
Posted By: gekko Re: Dating Advice - 04/10/06 12:33 AM
i was thinking gourmet foods....

or toothpaste
Posted By: Karona Re: Dating Advice - 04/10/06 01:28 AM
Huh.......

I was thinking wine isle!

Karona
Posted By: gekko Re: Dating Advice - 04/10/06 02:10 AM
wine aisle - possible alcoholic, or at least pretentious.

gourmet/health food - takes care of themselves, enjoys good food, and definitely not a redneck

toothpaste - good hygiene, takes cares of their teeth (excellent character trait), and is buying it in a grocery store - doesn't bargain shop for the important items. all good.

don't get me started on the cookie/snack aisle....
Posted By: devastatedwife Re: Dating Advice - 04/10/06 02:32 AM
Quote
toothpaste - good hygiene, takes cares of their teeth (excellent character trait), and is buying it in a grocery store - doesn't bargain shop for the important items. all good.
Hey, I don't buy my toiletries at the grocery store, but I do get them at Target....does that redeem me somewhat? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Quote
don't get me started on the cookie/snack aisle....
*snort*

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />DW
Posted By: devastatedwife Re: Dating Advice - 04/10/06 02:35 AM
Quote
gourmet/health food - takes care of themselves, enjoys good food, and definitely not a redneck
Yabbut, if I saw YOU in the gourmet aisle, perusing frou frou ingredients, I might think yer gay....NTTIAWWT

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: gekko Re: Dating Advice - 04/10/06 02:44 AM
good points on both^

i'm a target person, esp since i became single. yes that totally redeems you. i would ask you out before you got to the shaving cream with the target emblem on the can.

if i'm just buying bread and milk though, don't bug me, i'm in a hurry.
Posted By: Karona Re: Dating Advice - 04/10/06 09:56 AM
I suppose it could be perceived that way......I didn't think of that.

Karona
Posted By: gekko Re: Dating Advice - 04/10/06 11:27 AM
^i was goofing around. wine aisle is pretty cool. unless you are buying like 10 bottles, then we're talking alcoholic.

lol
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 04/10/06 09:52 PM
Ok, I have been thinking on this one... First off, in the grocery store, I would find the man that is PAYING my grocery bill the MOST attractive! hahaha ok, down everyone, just kidding, just kidding...

wine aisle, I agree, one bottle ok, 10 not good.
Oral hygiene, yup, that might be ok, good to have fresh breathe
If you are in the chocolate aisle, buying chocolate, I am yours for life... lol
fruit and veggie aisle is supposed to be good but if you were squeezing the melons just a little too long... well... you might be strange or you might be my kind of guy.. hahaha
my oh my, this could go on and on...

any other ideas anyone?? lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: gekko Re: Dating Advice - 04/10/06 11:18 PM
again, cookie aisle no way.

baby food section, probably taken.

steaks/meat/coldcuts - good catch. meat eater and likes to cookout, probably a good time all the way around

buying olives?, follow them to the booze aisle and start the conversation there.

ice cream - probably lonely as ****** and i'd be careful but definetly hit them up.
Posted By: seekingjoy Re: Dating Advice - 04/10/06 11:31 PM
MB appears to be a great place to hang out! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Grocery stores are nice places to meet, I've met a lot of single Dads at the playground on Sunday. Recently I got involved with a community business development group and noticed there are a lot of singles in the group - professional.

There's a community health center here with exercise equipment and it's coed, so you get to meet a lot of singles there (however, I've noticed a few MM there looking too - naughty,naughty.)

Or, you could do what I did and go Christmas Caroling on Christmas Eve...

I've found family activities really are the best for meeting the "right kind of guys/gals". I've met some pretty decent guys online too. My friends are always trying to set me up with their "recently separated buddies" and that gets old after a while. I've heard all the sob stories, and put a lot of marriages back together...

It really is a jungle out there, grab an animal and see what happens next. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Jan
Posted By: seekingjoy Re: Dating Advice - 04/10/06 11:35 PM
I can't decide if the reason they go back to their ex's is that they realize I'm a sample of what's available and prefer what they have at home, or what? But I've certainly spent more than my fair share of evenings explaining the fine art of MB and communication with men who invited me out on a "date". Next thing I know, our mutual friends are telling me how they got back with their ex's and things are working out well... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

(Thought I'd better explain that comment.)
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 04/10/06 11:53 PM
hey, those were some good ideas Jan... can I join that community project group? would love to meet some single professionals!

Good one gekko... meat aisle, cook outs, good times... sounds good! the ones around here however go to the meat aisle for the cook out than buy about 3 24 packs of beer and well, there's your night of fun I guess! lol I like to remember my night of fun thank you.

yea, if you see me buying the ben and jerry's I'm getting to that lonely as h*ll point... not there quite yet thank God!

hey, put those olives down! mlhb
Posted By: seekingjoy Re: Dating Advice - 04/11/06 01:05 AM
OH - the other place I tend to run into single dads is at activities at school events (I home school, so I'm not there often) and boyscouts and youth group, or ski-weekends (there's a reason why I stay at the lodge and keep an eye on the kids who aren't skiing - besides the fact that I'm a total klutz and tend to break body parts when I fall down mountains).
Posted By: gekko Re: Dating Advice - 04/11/06 01:08 AM
i started going to church recently again. i haven't met anyone there, but the peace of mind i get from attending services has made me more positive about the future.

events with friends has introduced me to people as well. it's how i got the confidence to start dating again.

i have a friend who works for a defense attorney. she tells me dui girls are a good time. i don't know what to think about that....
Posted By: mikeb9 Re: Dating Advice - 04/11/06 01:40 AM
If you're a single dad, volunteer to coach a youth sports team. Getting to know a single mom by being a positive influnece on one of her children is not only a good technique, it's a good thing.
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 04/11/06 01:57 AM
oh, you are good mike and right on the mark there... that would get me.. a volunteering single dad... oh yes..

gekko! dui girls! yea, there fun all right.. right to the the jail cell and rehab! lol haha mlhb

church is a good thing all around... too... builds a nice family life as well.
Posted By: sturgis05 Re: Dating Advice - 04/11/06 03:13 AM
i met my current GF for the past yr at the CARWASH...

it doenet matter where your at...carwash, starbucks, market...just be confident in yourself...keep your sense of humor...always keep the mindset no matter where you go "today might be the day!"

**surf the personals on YAHOO and MATCH.com....just read what qualities single women want and admire...trust me ...sense of humor, confidence, secure men are what they all say...

go with the attitude that its FUN!!! women are just as nervous as guys are when they first meet someone!!

i always had FUN with it...

GO GET EM!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: dukhuntr Re: Dating Advice - 04/11/06 03:38 AM
I just got set up on a blind date by the owner of my house cleaning service. She must have been impressed that a single guy could live in something less than a hovel and have a desire to keep it that way. I'll let you know if this is a good thing after the date!

I do think sturgis is right, have fun with it and be confident. You can't read the book without at least opening the cover. Simply reading the title never tells you anything about what is inside.

I will be spending more time in the wine aisle after reading this thread, I'm just going to stop first and put some steak in the cart!
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 04/11/06 05:20 AM
LOL dukhuntr! good luck on the date.. and how refreshing to hear the "don't just read the title, open the book and look inside"
fabulous input! mlhb
Posted By: Karona Re: Dating Advice - 04/11/06 09:56 AM
Quote
I just got set up on a blind date........


I will be spending more time in the wine aisle after reading this thread, I'm just going to stop first and put some steak in the cart!


Good luck with your date duk!

And see, that's what I'm talking about........steak and a guy picking out a bottle of wine..... definetly would catch my attention.

Karona
Posted By: seekingjoy Re: Dating Advice - 04/12/06 03:43 AM
Some of the best dating advice I've ever received was from a woman who goes to our church. She said, if you don't meet him in church, take him to church. You can really get a grip on what a person is like when you take them into a church full of flirty little old women who can spot a single guy at 400 yards, even if they can't see more than four feet in front of their faces.

That woman keeps me in stitches at almost every church event, and she's tried numerous times to set me up with her son (who won't be caught dead in a church). Ummmm her advice is still standing. LOL

Jan
Posted By: gekko Re: Dating Advice - 04/12/06 11:28 AM
so i bumped my cart into mlhb's at the grocery store. nothing but chocolate chip cookies and cool whip.

i had to give her a fake number.
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 04/12/06 02:50 PM
omg! too funny... no chocolate chip cookies, just a pound of hersey's chocolate.. if I had cool whip in there it was none of your business haha that means I had a date! lol lol

mlhb
Posted By: gekko Re: Dating Advice - 04/12/06 06:41 PM
cool whip and chocolate syrup is a date. cool whip and choclate chip cookies is sad.

do i have to outline very aisle in the store for you people?
ha!
Posted By: dukhuntr Re: Dating Advice - 04/12/06 07:50 PM
My blind date last night only goes to show if you don't at least let friends set you up occasionally you never know what you could be missing. She is a terriffic person and way prettier than I imagined. She kept me talking for five hours over drinks, dinner and coffee. I haven't talked that much to one person in one sitting in ages.

This is one book I am glad I took the chance on and opened. I will be doing a lot of "reading" for a while. We even talked about what part of the store is best. Wine aisle gal for sure but a gourmet cook also so she looks in the specialty section too!
Posted By: sturgis05 Re: Dating Advice - 04/12/06 08:26 PM
dukhuntr, just remember to play alittle "hard to get"....dont come off toooo needy or anxious....

NEVER forget that girls are a very formidable adversary!!! (one minute they make us feel like a MILLION bucks and the next we are CRYING in our beers!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

have fun...but in the beginning dont over due the talking tooo much...be alittle mysterious and "busy"...(it makes em all gitty and builds that great "tension" for your next date)....

i wont give away all MY secrets!!! ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: Karona Re: Dating Advice - 04/12/06 08:56 PM
Quote
dukhuntr, just remember NEVER forget that girls are a very formidable adversary!!! (one minute they make us feel like a MILLION bucks and the next we are CRYING in our beers!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I know you're talking to dukhuntr, BUT

I must add........guys do this too.
I had felt like a million bucks for 5 weeks, until.....
he remembered he was in love with his previous gf.
OUCH, I'm still crying.....

Karona
Posted By: sturgis05 Re: Dating Advice - 04/12/06 09:39 PM
i hear ya...i embarassed to say that i went throuh a HUGE player phase...looking back i know i hurt a few people....but at the time it was "all about me"
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 04/12/06 09:41 PM
oh korona, I feel for ya. It is almost like every potential date is a potential heartache. :-( But we must get out there and take the chance because you never know. Before I got married I dated a guy who ended up going back to his gf... it stinks. My stbxh had just broken up with someone when I first met him. He didn't end up going back with her even though she tried to get back with him... damn, I wish she had fought for him a little harder! she coulda married him instead of me and saved me 10 years of heartache. oh well, we did have 2 awesome children together. have your sadness korona, but not for too long. Dust yourself off and get back out there girl!!! where's just peachy when you need her. That woman has all kinds of dates! mlhb
Posted By: Karona Re: Dating Advice - 04/12/06 10:54 PM
Just little comfort there Sturgis. BUT, I give you credit for your honesty.
It sounds like you have grown.

Thanks mlhb! Sucky thing, I was walking tonight and this particular guy drove past me. He waved at me, and I back, but I couldn't help but wonder what the heck was going thru his mind after he passed. I know what was going on in mine.
This is a guy that "was" seemingly all about me, then bam! He's in Love with someone else, sorry.
I'm trying to do the dusting thing, but oh how tuff it is.

Never regret your marriage because of your kids. I tell myself the same thing. I could have been spared the heartache of a cheating husband, BUT who would I be today without my girls. I will never regret my marriage for that reason alone.

Karona
Posted By: gekko Re: Dating Advice - 04/13/06 01:52 AM
went on another one tonight. the blind date from two weeks ago, the 25 year old that i thought i had nothing in common with, called me and asked me out tonight. casual date of pizza and a few laughs. nothing there, at least on my end. as i told someone else earlier tonight, my snobbery is taking over. this girl and i are total opposites in every way and i have no patience for her or it. i don't need a relayionship right now but i find nyself not wanting an anti relationship either. i was home by 8:15pm.

i immediately went to the grocery store...
Posted By: dukhuntr Re: Dating Advice - 04/13/06 03:22 AM
Sturgis,

Thanks for the advice. I think I got it right for a change. She called me after our date (late) and wanted to talk and set something else up right away. Luckily I'm taking my DD(24) out to celebrate her passing the MBA entrance exam and getting into the program the same night she wanted to do something.

I am going to go slow and stay somewhat aloof. I am enjoying being on my own for a change. 28yrs of together was tough to break away from and I don't really want to jump right back into an everyday relationship yet.

Karona,

I know how you feel but keep in mind if he didn't want to be with you did you really want to invest any more of your emotions in him? Be somewhat comforted in the fact he didn't just string you out. At least he showed some honesty and respect by breaking it off. Get back to the grocery store and play some bumper carts girl!

mlhb,

You seem wise to the dating scene these days. Why is it that every time I have a date with someone new they seem compelled to blurt out something like "I'm not interested in SF, I just want to be friends" or the even more suspense busting " no SF until I get to know what you are all about" right off the get go? I mean less than 10 minutes into getting to know each other! Are the men out there that shallow and cold that you gals feel you need to get this out so soon?

Speaking for myself I'm not even thinking about SF with someone I just met. Maybe it's because I am a BS with some lingering trust issues but this is getting depressing in it's own right. It shoots the suspense and excitement of getting to know someone new right in the [censored]. I feel that part of establishing a relationship is letting things flow naturally from the start. If you put this out there immediately don't you deaden the emotions and excitement you are looking to build on? Maybe it's just me as a man but it sure bugs me when this happens. Especially like last night when as she is saying it her hand is running across my chest and her other hand is holding mine. Even sounds like an contradiction on paper doesn't it?

Gekko,

Good for you! Keep allowing yourself to see new people and sooner or later you will come across someone that sparks that little something special for you. She's out there you just have to keep "reading"
Posted By: Karona Re: Dating Advice - 04/13/06 10:04 AM
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Luckily I'm taking my DD(24) out to celebrate her passing the MBA entrance exam and getting into the program the same night she wanted to do something.

I am going to go slow and stay somewhat aloof. I am enjoying being on my own for a change. 28yrs of together was tough to break away from and I don't really want to jump right back into an everyday relationship yet.

You must be so proud of your DD duk. That's wonderful!
So I've read, that is what we need to do, not be available at all times. Keeps the mystery there and leaves the other person craving for me. Good luck!

Quote
Karona,

I know how you feel but keep in mind if he didn't want to be with you did you really want to invest any more of your emotions in him? Be somewhat comforted in the fact he didn't just string you out. At least he showed some honesty and respect by breaking it off. Get back to the grocery store and play some bumper carts girl!
Yes, you are right here duk, but what didn't add up is he appeared to like me quite a bit. He was the one calling me, searching me out, and asking me for dates. That's the hardest part. Then he drops the bomb.
I will give him honesty and respect though. And I appreciated that and told him so. Being a BS, I want nothing less.

Thanks!
Karona
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 04/13/06 01:15 PM
well duk, I don't know that I am exactly wise on the dating scene these days but... My experience has been, even in just talking to some men, that sex conversation comes up right away. Not all men thank god, but a lot. I have felt the need on a few occassions to say to men "if all you are looking for is a casual sex relationship than I am NOT the one for you" I tried the internet dating thing for like 5 minutes. I did start talking exclusively to one guy for maybe a month. But the red flags started about 2 weeks into conversations (mostly through IM's ) a LOT of sexual ?'s about me, my preferences, etc... just really personal stuff. And this man had never even met me! THAT IS A HUGE TURN OFF IN MY BOOK. Tells me you are only after one thing. And, not to be a snob (keep your mouth shut gekko! haha personal joke between me and gekko) I do take care of myself and am a very attractive person, so I am told, and I feel good about myself. A lot of times it seems men look at me and think yea, I want a piece of that. I hate men like that. I demand respect and I so look down upon men like that, won't even give them the time of day. It's insulting. And I don't trashy or anything, very professional in fact as I am in school to be a teacher.

So, yes duk, sadly, for me, sometiems I do feel I have to say the no sex thing until there is actually some sort of realtionship going on. Tis the way of the world today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> mlhb
Posted By: gekko Re: Dating Advice - 04/13/06 05:15 PM
there is nothing wrong with that attitude, snob...lol

both of you, and to anyone else for that matter, deciding what YOU want and YOU need is what all of this is about. for years all of us were neglected (my case), cheated on, lied to, or just treated poorly. we should expect more and need more. our standards should be high and we should be strident in out beliefs. that being said, don't let one mistake from someone hurt a shot at a relationship. be selective, be paticular, but don't be such SNOB (lol) that you miss something good from someone.

i think all of you are doing the right things to find happiness.
Posted By: dukhuntr Re: Dating Advice - 04/14/06 03:34 AM
Karona,

I have found that in my short time back in the dating pool that I have sudden and extreme changes in my perceptions and feelings towards GF's/Dates. Something will happen or something said and a nerve is hit or a hot button pushed and I am all done real quick. Like gekko said we are more aware and for the lack of a better term "picky". Doesn't make us bad or snobby as some would say. It just means we are being careful not to allow someone an opportunity to get that close if we aren't sure about them.

Hopefully when this happens we are sensitive enough to make a graceful and non-hurtful exit. Sounds like your guy tried (unsucessfully) to do this.

mlhb,

Thanks for the honest answer even if it made me even more depressed. Makes me angry that there are people out there that have so little respect for the other sex that the rest of us pay the price. I'd like to think better of people but you are right, times have changed! So if you felt you needed to say this to a date, what would you like to hear back from him at this point? I'm sure "see ya" and the sight of the back of his head is not appropriate. Nor would you want to hear "whatever". How is a guy supposed to respond without sounding condescending or trite? I stood there dumbfounded and sputtered out something that sounded sophmoric and contrived and it made me feel awkward.

Gekko,

Well said! Happiness is where we all want to be. Whether alone or with a SO. I prefer life with a companion myself, but the next companion for me is going to have my views and beliefs on honesty, trust and morality for sure. I'd like to hear the "snob" story on mlhb sometime. Mom was a school teacher too so I know about this tendency in them, that and their hearing is the first thing to go on them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: Karona Re: Dating Advice - 04/14/06 10:48 AM
Sorry for the thread jack gekko......

Quote
I have found that in my short time back in the dating pool that I have sudden and extreme changes in my perceptions and feelings towards GF's/Dates. Something will happen or something said and a nerve is hit or a hot button pushed and I am all done real quick. Like gekko said we are more aware and for the lack of a better term "picky". Doesn't make us bad or snobby as some would say. It just means we are being careful not to allow someone an opportunity to get that close if we aren't sure about them.

I agree with you both. I also have been practicing the same. If I see/feel something not right, I cut my losses quick. Dating/feelings to me are serious. Because of a long term marriage, I feel pretty aware of keepers or deal breakers.

Quote
Hopefully when this happens we are sensitive enough to make a graceful and non-hurtful exit. Sounds like your guy tried (unsucessfully) to do this.

I think it's more of a case of the green eyed monster.
My suspicion is that he or she, or both, found out the other was dating and someone went back staking claim on their property.
He tried to be graceful/non-hurtful, but it still hurt[s] like crazy.
Not to mention the fact that he cried the entire time talking to me and said he hadn't slept all night.
I take that as there was something there, but something more pulling him back. [I'm not trying to be thick-headed, but trying to understand a male's thought process]

Thanks for sharing dukhuntr

Karona
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 04/14/06 11:26 AM
sorry dukhunter, did you say something..I couldn't quite HEAR you! LOL yea, my hearing was gone a long time ago so my ex says.

I would like a guy to say back to me that he understands completely and feels the same way. that sex is something that will happen naturally when and if the relationship progresses. that would be fine with me. Than the pressure is off and I can enjoy myself.

snob story?? what snob story?? lol will share someday.. mlhb
Posted By: dukhuntr Re: Dating Advice - 04/26/06 03:06 AM
mlhb,

I've been waiting patiently to hear this snob story, so when are you going to bust loose with it? Or was this another way to "keep the idiot in suspense"?

Bored and antsy tonight, I hope you are out there and have your hearing aids in and new batteries installed too! I have a blind date story for you if you are interested. I keep getting brushed off in the most inventive ways now. I think we should start a thread on the most creative ways to get rid of a BF/GF.
Posted By: Karona Re: Dating Advice - 04/26/06 09:54 AM
I'm interested in the blind date story.
Do tell........

Karona
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 04/26/06 10:39 AM
Hi dukhuntr!! wondered where you have been. I shall share with you the art of being a snob when I get home tonight. gekko is actually a snob too, LOL, he can give you the male version of how to be one. haha

do share your stories, love a good story! mlhb

btw, don't need hearing aides yet, I currently just have what is called "selective hearing" LOL hahaha
Posted By: dukhuntr Re: Dating Advice - 04/27/06 03:24 AM
Yea,yea,yea

Mom used to say the same thing about her hearing! Funny though, unless she could look at your mouth as it moved she couldn't follow a conversation. These days she is more comfortable at a keyboard too. Luckily she taught typing so she's a good conversationalist in this environment.

The blind date that I told you about last week has turned south on me. I think I hit one of her hot buttons or something. I can't think of anything I said or did(honest!) she just came out and said "I don't have time for a relationship right now". What relationship? We only went out three times in three weeks! Besides she's the one who got her friend to set us up in the first place. Why go on a date if you don't have time! You women are so fickle and emotion driven it's scary. Not much logic involved and way too many hormones to control regularly! (ha ha!)

The only thing I can think is that our time together went too well. At least that is what my ego keeps telling me! All she said after the "I dont" bit was "you are such a sweet man duk". The death knoll rang right there didn't it. No fun anymore, he's too nice to just go out and have fun with. Too nice must mean it's either serious or nothing huh? Go figure, I can't.

So use the selective part of your reading skills now and give me the lowdown on your snobbery. I'll be waiting to hear this rationalization.
Posted By: seekingjoy Re: Dating Advice - 04/27/06 04:41 AM
I hear book signings are great places to meet single authors? Have you tried any of those lately?

Jan
Posted By: Karona Re: Dating Advice - 04/27/06 10:01 AM
I'm not mlhb, but I'm chime in......

duk~
Quote
I can't think of anything I said or did(honest!) she just came out and said "I don't have time for a relationship right now". What relationship? We only went out three times in three weeks! Besides she's the one who got her friend to set us up in the first place.

I can relate. This sounds very similar to what happened to me with the guy I went out with for 5 weeks. And he was the one going out of his way to meet me.

Quote
You women are so fickle and emotion driven it's scary.

Maybe? Possibly. But what then are men considered?

Quote
The only thing I can think is that our time together went too well. At least that is what my ego keeps telling me! All she said after the "I dont" bit was "you are such a sweet man duk". The death knoll rang right there didn't it. No fun anymore, he's too nice to just go out and have fun with. Too nice must mean it's either serious or nothing huh? Go figure, I can't.

Very much the way I felt in my situation, time went very well.
And what did he tell me after, "I can't do this anymore"
"You're such a good person Karona".

Could she be like the guy I dated, rebounding? Forgot she had a bf that she's still in love with?

Sorry that it didn't work out.

Karona
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 04/27/06 12:37 PM
ok dukhntr, just for you...

snob: I do not know what the official dictionary definition is, I will have to look it up sometime! I have been told I am a snob first off by my ex. I was called this because I chose not to associate with his low life friends from the low life volunteer fire dept we have here in this low life town that I am not originally from but was so luckily brought here with a job 11 years ago. Yes, these are the same low life people who have "supported" the good ole boys club that my ex seems to have been a 5 star member in. They had no problem with all of his lies and affairs and in fact his latest one,the straw that broke this camels back was with a member of that low life fire dept.

So.... if not associating with people like that makes me a snob so be it. I have also been called a snob, more so "high maintenance" because I take a lot of pride in my appearance. I like to dress nicely and have tons of clothes. I like to shop, get manicures, pedicures, hair done, etc. Bottom line is I love being feminine and I love to look nice for myself and for whomever I am with. I don't do all of those things for any other reason than they make me feel good about myself. I don't go into debt doing it either LOL. Oh yes, and I like to go tanning. So... because I take pride in myself and I don't hang with low life losers, I am termed a snob.

I am also a snob because I will not settle for anything less than exactly what I am looking for ever again. I will take the time to really get to know someone this time around, know them mind, body, heart, and soul! I know what I want and what I feel I would be compatible with, I know how I want to be treated and how I will treat someone. This time around the person will be deserving of me and I of them. Since there have been some men here and there interested but who I had no interest in because I felt they were "beneath" me, I am a snob.

There ya go dukhntr!! I am an official snob and I am damn proud of it too!

I am also a very easy going person who loves to laugh and just wants a companion who is as easy going as I am who takes pride as well, has morals and values, and won't settle for anything less either. I don't walk around feeling like I am superior to everyone although my ex would tell you I do. But from down in the gutter where he lives, it probably does look that way! haha

Any other questions there dukman??? I am all ears, and I will even turn them on! mlhb

oh, and about your date... is this the one where you said you were glad you were "opening the book and looking inside" or something like that?? I, for one, don't really understand women either. LOL I guess it depends on where they are at in their life at the time. I don't know where this woman is emotionally. I would guess maybe the spark just wasn't there for her? Or she feared being suffocated into a relationship? She started having some feelings and it scared her? Hard to say since I do not know her background. For me,where I am at right now, all I can say is this. When I first had my ex move out last year, I know I was in no way ready emotionally to give to someone else. I was a mess. omg, was I ever. Almost a year later, I have gone through my stages for the most part. I see how much better my life is now without him and I am so thankful I had the strength to end it. I am now fine with being alone, I know I can do it and be fine. I am now open to meeting others and allowing some into my life. I know what I have to offer to someone and what I expect in return. For me, I just really want to get to know someone, laugh, feel good. I am not one to date 2 or 3 at a time. If I feel there is nothing to build on I will stop seeing or talking to that person. No sense in wasting my or their time. Once in awhile someone really good comes along that you can see building something with, so you take the time to continue to get to know them, and if you are lucky, they feel the same way. It is a chance you take, because you let your guard down and there is always the possibility of getting hurt. But I am ok with that now. I am at a place where I can let someone in even at the risk I may get hurt. Nothing is ever a 100% guarantee, I think we have all learned that.

Go on to the next book duk, I am sure there are shelves of them out there for a nice guy like you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> mlhb
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 04/27/06 12:43 PM
oh, and about the nice guy comment you made. I think nice guys get a bad wrap! after being married to a very very bad boy I could sure take a really nice guy! I'll take nice and boring or I should say nice and respectful and secure and laid back and fun that way, over bad and not so fun any day of the week.

mlhb
Posted By: dukhuntr Re: Dating Advice - 04/27/06 04:33 PM
Karona and mlhb,

Thanks for the hionest and thoughtful responses. It helps to know that my thinking isn't so far out of whack. Maybe because of what we have been thru we are more demanding of those we are either dating or in a relationship with. It's not wrong just more than some people are used to and more than they are willing to deal with.

mlhb, I would not describe you as a snob for what you described in any way. You are just trying to be the best person you can and want to associate with people you feel comfortable with. That is not snobbery, that is life the way you want to live it. Good for you! I for one will be in the grocery store bumping carts hoping someone else is looking for a "nice guy".

Thanks!
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 04/27/06 05:46 PM
ahhh duk, there are a few of us still out there who do like nice guys... you will bump carts with one of us women one of these days... ;-)

mlhb
Posted By: Karona Re: Dating Advice - 04/27/06 07:54 PM
I'm with mlhb on that one.

I'll take a nice guy bumping into my cart anyday!

K.
Posted By: 1woundedheart Re: Dating Advice - 04/28/06 06:16 PM
I hope I won't be joining the divorced, but if I do you all are encouraging (and hilarious). Gives me hope to stay or go, that life is tough any path you are on, but has much joy to offer us as well. Good luck to you all!
Posted By: gekko Re: Dating Advice - 04/29/06 01:19 AM
look for me in the health foods, karona in the wine aisle, and mlhb in the chocolate.
Posted By: Karona Re: Dating Advice - 04/29/06 02:32 AM
Laugh it up gekko!

1wh~~

I hope you won't be joining either. I think most of us try to find lightness because it is/has been painful and we are trying to smile and live again.

My opinion, I would much rather be married than single.
I wish you the very best and hope all works out for you.

Karona
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 04/29/06 11:28 AM
did someone say "chocolate"??? hahahaha
mlhb
Posted By: gekko Re: Dating Advice - 04/29/06 01:37 PM
karona i agree with you. i would rather be a in a committed relationship than single as well. but i want that relationship to be a two way street. i want it to be healthy and mutually satisfying. so if that means i have to be single for a while or even a long while until i find the right person then fine.

that being said, bump my cart anytime, i'll at least make you laugh.
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 04/29/06 02:08 PM
I agree with both of you (karona and gekko) but it I would rather be alone than with someone just for the sake of being with them if they are not what I really and truly want.

I also agree, though, that it is really nice, and will be really nice, to have someone to truly share my life with. I don't think I have ever had that , not even in my marriage. we did not share anything. we did not have that body, mind, and soul connection that I long for with another person. I know that person is out there somewhere just waiting for me! all of us here deserve that much. exactly what we are looking for. at this point in my life, anything less than that just will not suffice. I am just hoping it happens for me sooner than later... LOL I will be 40 in 5 years... gosh let it happen before then! haha mlhb
Posted By: Karona Re: Dating Advice - 04/29/06 02:45 PM
Yes gekko, that is precisely what I'm meaning. Not being married to anyone, but....

a giving from both sides, desire, the breathless-ness, to grow old with them, and to be happy and proud with them.

bump the cart eh? That would be how it would have to happen for me, accidental. I'm the worst at making eye contact with men. Must work on that!

mlhb~

I understand how you feel, but think of it this way. I was 39 when I found out about x's affair, w/a 28 yr old. As if turning 40 wasn't going to be painful enough!
I would much rather be your age "if" this was the way my life was to have turned out than the age I am today.

You are young. The 30's to me were the best in terms of being. The teens were young, the 20's were young/growing trying to be young and older at the same time, and the 30's seemed to be a time where it all fit together.
I will have to report later for the 40's. My life has been a bit upside down so far. I'm hopeful for a turn for the best at some point. There must be a reward after all the pain.

Best to both of you!

Karona
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 04/29/06 03:42 PM
ahhh, thank you karona. you sound like a really nice person with good goals and morals, I am sure you will get your dream come true soon! mlhb
Posted By: 1woundedheart Re: Dating Advice - 05/02/06 05:53 PM
My M was oneness, at least it seemed that way to me. Now looking back I have so many doubts. But I still have hope, both for my M and for my life in general. I wish the best for all of you, and still hope that I won't be joining the single crowd! But if so, then I will see it as a new beginning and a chance to do things better. LOL
Posted By: daybreak Re: Dating Advice - 05/02/06 09:31 PM
Ouch 40, that's not old!!!!!!

I don't think so anyways, my kids think that I am ancient.

Date now while you are in your 30's as the pool gets shallower at 40, throw in a 40+ year old grandmother and the pool dries up!!!!

I haven't found any luck in dating, I have always been a very self sufficient independent person even while I was married. I think that that is a turn off to most guys, they are looking for someone that needs to be taken care of. I don't need to be taken care of, I need someone to share my life with, there is a difference.

I have tried the bars, the church, the volunteering with kids, the one that I haven't done is the friends fix up, there is no body here at work. I am just not seeing anyone in my future, and that is ok. I am happy, I have my family and my friends, would I like there to be someone special, I would love it. But I am at a point that they would have to be dropped into my life cause I am tired of looking.

Just my 2 cents worth on the subject, I would be in the steak aisle with a bottle of pink wine, I'm simple!!!

Dawn
Posted By: dukhuntr Re: Dating Advice - 05/03/06 01:25 AM
Daybreak,

We men in our 40's are out there and karona and mlhb have clued me into the cart thing. I actually tried it and all I got so far was a "watch where you are going" in return. I think it is more of a way to say "keep your eyes open and listen more closely". I share your thoughts and have said the same things here so don't go looking, just relax and be yourself and good things will happen.

Your cart is all messed up! The steaks should be pink when cooked and the wine should be the color of the steak in the package. My mistake was that I had a six pack, a bag of pork rinds and a can of copenhagen in my cart at the time of the bumping. Not too bright but I am having fun anyway! Even a curt brush off is better than no female contact at all!

As for someone to take care of, that is the last thing I am looking for. Someone to spend time with and to share all the things life offers, yes. We've done our job as caregivers in raising our children, now we sit back and help our kids do the same and all we have to do is offer encouragement and advice when called upon.

Be confident and others will take notice, I do.
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 05/03/06 08:27 PM
hey how ya doin dukhunter?? you seem like a such a nice man... i hope someone does not just bump your cart, I hope they dive right into it for you!!!

mlhb
Posted By: dukhuntr Re: Dating Advice - 05/03/06 10:00 PM
How ya doin mlhb?

Yes someday it may happen, but with my luck it will be a homeless dude stealing my wine!

I am of the opinion that how we choose to live now pretty much dictates when and if we will meet the "right person". Living and believing you will never find someone else leads to a long and gut wretching struggle. Simply being happy and positive attracts others like nothing else. You should have no problems in this area! You are always upbeat and downright funny on occasion.

I am tryin g to do the same in my life, stay positive and be happy. We'll just have to wait and see what lands in the cart!


P.S.- Care to divulge what the mlhb stands for? Or should I start a contest to see who comes up with the best answer?
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 05/03/06 11:26 PM
hmmm.. a contest sounds interesting... but I fear what people may come up with! mlhb are my initials, first, middle, maiden, and married names... the "b" will probably be dropping off of there some time soon....I have kept that last name because I am not finalized divorced yet and because my children have that last name.

so... that is it, nothing too exciting!
it is safe to assume what your name means!

thank you for the compliments as well.
since the dissolution of my marriage, and thanks to many things I learned on this site, I am a much better person, happier, in tune with me, know what I want, etc. I am back to my old happy perky snobby self. I lost all that somewhere along the lines of a very unhappy and unfulfilling marriage. It is good to have it back.

someone actually did "bump my cart" about a month ago... we shall see what happens.....

throw that homeless guy out of your cart now! you need it empty for someone who will appreciate all of who you are! that homeless guy won't! LOL

geez duk, if you had had some chocolate in that cart I might have bumped into it a bit ago... but alas... too late now!
so far I am pretty happy with who bumped into mine :-)

take care dukhnter, keep posting and keep looking for those lovely books to open up... I can't wait to hear when you have finally "read" the right one! mlhb
Posted By: Unappreciated Re: Dating Advice - 05/04/06 01:45 AM
I just read thru this thread and you guys all seem so at ease about this whole dating thing. How did you get over being so bitter and angry? I still want to vomit when i see couples holding hands and laughing together. My divorce will be final in roughly 45 days and I don't know whether I'm happy or sad about it. One minute angry and pissed at the world, the next I'm bobbing my head to music on the radio.
Posted By: dukhuntr Re: Dating Advice - 05/04/06 06:13 AM
Un,

Believe me it has taken a long while to get here. Over a year in my case. I think for me it finally dawned on me that I didn't make this choice. I had no say in the decision whatsoever, so why let her dominate the rest of my life?

Letting go was not easy and some days I still get down over it. Usually you can tell because I end up here posting to get my mind out of the dumps and on to something more pleasant. I talk a lot to another MB'er Paradise Blue over in the "Just Found Out" board and she helps a bunch too. Anything to move my mind in a different direction, or to change the way I am thinking. Control what you can, yourself. Once you accept this and start doing it life can and does become more enjoyable.

Make tomorrow a better day, do it for yourself and those you love.
Posted By: Karona Re: Dating Advice - 05/04/06 10:49 AM
Unapp~~

Welcome!

Quote
How did you get over being so bitter and angry?

In a word? TIME.

I will say for myself, I'm anything but at ease with the dating scene.
It is any thing but comfortable for me.

I went thru the stage you are talking about, don't recall how long it lasted, but I was there once.

I think you will get to a point where you will be ready to date and be open to having someone special in your life.
Right now, there must still be some deep wounds.

Best to you,
Karona
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 05/04/06 11:51 AM
yes, i agree it takes time. and you cannot put a limit on it. just because your divorce is final does not mean you will magically feel like dating again. it is scarey. i know i have totally not been in the mood to date and date and date going through that looking for the right one thing. i have seen a few guys here and there but have been so totally disappointed in them. one i had a real physical attraction to but on the inside he was nothing to me. he said crude things, he was lazy (in my opinion), etc... so yea, i thought he was great looking but once i got to know who he was he no longer was great looking to me. i have not totally put myself out there either. not interested in meeting what my local bars have to offer. not interested in the married men who seem to have no problem flirting and wanting some fun.

I am light hearted about things now because I a ready to be in something now. i have been alone for the last 3 years. 2 of those I was still married, but still alone. my ex stayed on the couch for 2 years and did nothing with me, we were basically roommates. so i have been alone a very long time and am ok with alone. i am ready to start sharing some of my life again. i am getting to know someone right now and we shall see how it goes. i am hopeful because so far so good.

i recommend a book called REBUILDING WHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP ENDS BY BRUCE FISHER. it will help you get over that bitterness and anger.

keep reading here too... we always good for a laugh!
mlhb
Posted By: daybreak Re: Dating Advice - 05/04/06 06:06 PM
It all lies within you!!!!!

Like duk said I did not chose this to happen to me, do I have to like it? No. Do I let it control everything else in my life? No. The only things I can control are/is me and how I chose to look at things. And no my glasses are not rose colored.

I chose to stay strong, positive and up beat. Do I admit to bad days? Yep and can throw an awesome pitty party, but all parties have to end!!!!

Bitterness, yep I have some, I just don't let it take over, I have control over it!!!!!

I even invited my x over for supper last night with the kids. He is here visiting out of town for the week. He is not the same man that I was married to, can't say that I would even look at the man that he is now, But we got along and that was a first in three years for us. I chose to make the night ok, could he have said something to upset me or trigger me, yep! But I was prepared with how I was going to handle it, I was in control.

Again my 2 cents worth.

Dawn
Posted By: bsteacher Re: Dating Advice - 05/04/06 06:43 PM
I am having trouble myself, four years out of an abusive marriage and just now beginning to date.

I met someone at church several weeks ago and he finally asked me out. It was a nightmare. He seemed so nice when I met him through friends at church. He kept asking me things like.........Is your house practical? Do you really need this Durnago? Is it practical?

No man will ever tell me what I can do with my life again.

It just seems like I meet two kinds of guys.......

1. Psycho
2. Married

AND, sometimes the two catagories are merged.

I am certain that there are men out there that feel the same way about women too though.....

I live in a very small TX town, so that could also be part of the problem.

Anyway, I would love some tips on how to go about dating also. I don't do bars, and I AM the singles group at my church. I teach school with 65 women, so.........

Well, this is my first post, I need to go read some other threads now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: dukhuntr Re: Dating Advice - 05/05/06 12:00 AM
Hey Teach,

Yes it does sound like a homeless dude ended up in your shopping cart too. Doesn't mean you need to quit shopping! Look for the positives in everything. You saw thru this guy in a hurry didn't you? Focus on being positive and confident. Sooner or later the right person will notice and your cart will get bumped when you least expect it.

How small can your town be with 65 women teachers in one school? Sounds more like the men there are running scared and in hiding! I may have to come and shop there.
Posted By: gekko Re: Dating Advice - 05/05/06 02:54 AM
how did i get over the bitterness? see my therapy thread - two words: hot therapist.

seriously, time just eats away that stuff. at 45 days you are probably in the classic time period of being angry. i suggest go your own way by fleetwood mac or far behind by candlebox - great break up songs. heavy metal works too.

dating? depends on each person. like mlhb, my marriage was dead as fried chicken 3 years ago. i started dating in mid march, dated for about 3 or 4 weeks, then after some therapy and some soul searching decided to stop it until therapy was over and the d was final - both at the first of june.

work on yourself. make yourself important. once you get control of your relationship with yourself you can deal with someone else.
Posted By: bsteacher Re: Dating Advice - 05/05/06 01:49 PM
Well, duk hunter, I teach middle school math, and there is only one middle school for the entire district so we have a lot of teachers here. I teach in the town next to me and I really like it that way because both towns are fairly small, and at least this way I don't always run into my students at every given place.

Honestly, I did give this guy a chance. I had met him through friends at church, he called me several times, and we went out twice, BUT, I knew fifteen minutes into the date that this guy was psycho. He kept talking about how practical minded he was, but yet he picked me up on his harley for the date.........(I love bikes). The messages he was sending were just not right. It was OK for him to have certain things "not practical" yet he was hitting on my house, my car........he even went so far as to ask me what my mortgage and car payments were!

Yesterday, I had two encounters with single men that I KNOW were interested in me, they tried, and I just couldn't bring myself to respond. It's like I can't get the words out to talk, or flirt or whatever......I use to be really good at that kind of thing and now it's like......I don't know. I think after such an abusive marriage my self esteem is still in question or something. I really thought I was doing better, but maybe I am not <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />.

Thanks for responding, I am new here so I am trying to figure out this board too.....
Posted By: dukhuntr Re: Dating Advice - 05/05/06 08:56 PM
Hey Teach,

I know exactly how you felt when the guys were hovering around you. Just from what you said, I can tell that you need more time to get your own thinking straight. It's not them at this point it is you. The wounds are still too fresh for you and you need to heal more. Go ahead and practice the flirting and get used to socializing again, just don't get into a relationship until you feel good about it.

Sounds simple I know, but it is difficult because you just can't see it happening again for yourself. That brings it's own stress and worry all by itself, irregardless of what is still leftover from your M. Time and positive thoughts about yourself and your future will change this for you.

Work on improving your own thinking and outlook on life first. Changing this and the new attitude it creates will open you to new relationships. There are still good men out there but they have the same concerns you do and need to see a happy, confident and independent Teach to come out of their shell too.
Posted By: Karona Re: Dating Advice - 05/05/06 10:09 PM
HUH duk?

I read what you're saying, but......

It's hard to be confident I think.

I've never had the gift to begin with, top that off with a husband that cheated on me and married ow.

Had a bf, granted, timing was all wrong, but, he off and married someone else quickly. [they're in the process of divorce now, but still....]

Latest guy I really liked, remembered he was in love with someone else.

How the heck does one feel confident when you're left feeling like every mans trash??

Just a guy question.

Karona
Posted By: dukhuntr Re: Dating Advice - 05/06/06 07:13 AM
Karona,

I know its hard to think of the other sex on an equal footing for any of us these days, but it's not just a male issue we are dealing with. Infidelity, abuse, and all the other maladies of a relationship are unisex for sure!

What I am saying is that everyone is different and recovery and the ability to "move on" takes a different amount of time for each individual. Dating and the ability to build and continue a new relationship require you to be able to trust and respect a partner. If you are still in the recovery mode you really aren't very trusting yet are you? Yet you are capable of enjoying an evening of fun with a member of the opposite sex if it does not require anything deep and emotional. That is what I mean regarding "practicing". Getting your feet wet again in the context of a "date".

Same as "bumping carts", bump enough and sooner or later one will bump back and the sparks will fly! Build confidence by seeing different people and new experiences until you are stable enough in your own life not to need anyone or anything else. That is when I believe we are the most attractive to others and someone will find us. Just my two cents worth and probably not what many others will think, but in my mind it's where I need to head for.
Posted By: Karona Re: Dating Advice - 05/06/06 12:09 PM
dukhuntr~~

Quote
I know its hard to think of the other sex on an equal footing for any of us these days

ouch! Thanks for reminding me. I do tend to think of infidelity as a man thing and I'm sorry for generalizing.

Quote
What I am saying is that everyone is different and recovery and the ability to "move on" takes a different amount of time for each individual.

I agree with you.


Quote
Same as "bumping carts", bump enough and sooner or later one will bump back and the sparks will fly! Build confidence by seeing different people and new experiences until you are stable enough in your own life not to need anyone or anything else. That is when I believe we are the most attractive to others and someone will find us. Just my two cents worth and probably not what many others will think, but in my mind it's where I need to head for.

I do understand what you are saying, I agree, and I think many others will too.

I think I was having a momentary "ouchy" moment. I know I'm better off than each of these 3 guys I'm speaking of. I know I would rather be alone than in something that wasn't "right". I can see that.
I had a moment of, these guys all found someone, what's wrong with me?
When I look into what they're each in, I would not wish it for myself.

Trust for me, is something I want to give, but I will have to learn it from my cart guy. I know I'm capable of giving it, but I will have to learn from him that I can give it, freely.

Thanks duk!
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 05/06/06 12:30 PM
duk, I think you hit it right on the head. and karona i understand completely the trust thing. i am open to trusting someone and just pray i do not get hurt. it is a process. i am probably loyal to people to a fault. i like to believe everyone has some good in them. but i also do not want to live in a shell. any potential relationship holds the potential for getting hurt. i am just at a place now where i feel strong and i know i can do it on my alone. i know if by chance i do get hurt i will be able to handle it and move on. i hope that i don't, but in any relationship, friendship, anything, there is always that chance. nothing is 100% certain ever.

the guys that did not work out for you karona, they were steps in the process. they got you out there dating and experiencing and that is good i think. they just were not the right ones.

mlhb
Posted By: nams Re: Dating Advice - 05/06/06 12:52 PM
dukhuntr's remark about dating being a numbers game, dating (for the fun of being out with someone not necessarily your next partner) enough to regain confidence is great.

One reason I joined dating sites before I was serious relationship material was for the experience. I didn't feel I needed to be marriage worthy to date. I still needed (may still) time to settle all the stuff divorce forces us to deal with. I was, however, a good date, possibly a good friend to whomever.

Experience is made up of good & bad. You've been hit with negative experiences & a few of them in a row. It's not necessarily you, it's just part of being open to spending time with people. Some people aren't friend or partner material. You don't always know that upon the first few meetings.
Posted By: dukhuntr Re: Dating Advice - 05/06/06 05:31 PM
Karona and mlhb,

Okay, now that we have the deep and serious stuff under control, how do we go about making sure we are fun to be with. I try not to even bring up my EX or the D with a date. Most times it seems right after the initial greetings and how are yous the first thing a "date" asks is about my prior relationships. Having to go there even if I don't go into details seems to put my spirits down in a hurry. It's almost like I am ashamed of what happened. So what do you guys say and how do you keep from letting this ruin an evening?

Secondly, what do you consider a good first date? The standard dinner and maybe a movie? What would you think if someone like me said lets go golfing, or lets go target shooting. Stuff I like to do. I haven't done this yet but I am getting a little bored with the typical date. Would you be open to different things like this?

Give me some ideas from a gals perspective and get me out of this rut.

P.S. - Leave dancing out of it. Have you ever seen a duk dance? Not pretty and a very humbling experience! It's happened but only when in conjunction with way too many cocktails for a first date.
Posted By: Karona Re: Dating Advice - 05/06/06 06:19 PM
Whew, eval is complete. I hope it's safe to assume we are all within the normal range.

On to the next chapter.....


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how do we go about making sure we are fun to be with........
after the initial greetings and how are yous the first thing a "date" asks is about my prior relationships........
So what do you guys say and how do you keep from letting this ruin an evening?

I do try to be myself on a date and make it light. I have a sense of humor and I'm always hopeful the guy will too.
Life is serious [and has been], and I welome laughter.

As far as the whole "D" topic, I try to keep that light too. I've been divorced close to 2.5 yrs now. Really, there is not much to say. For the most part, my x stuff isn't so huge anymore. It's more some of the crap he pulls from time to time concerning our daughters that gets me revved.

I don't know where these women are coming from when they are asking about your prior relationships. I would understand if they are trying to figure out if you [we, anyone] were ready to be dating, other than that, I'm not sure it should be of their concern.


Quote
Secondly, what do you consider a good first date? The standard dinner and maybe a movie? What would you think if someone like me said lets go golfing, or lets go target shooting. Stuff I like to do. I haven't done this yet but I am getting a little bored with the typical date. Would you be open to different things like this?

Dinner and/or a movie wouldn't be my first choice for a first date.
A sporting event I think is fun and get something to eat afterwards. Something where there is opportunity to talk, get to know the person.
I would definitely be open to golfing or target shooting, as long as my date was patient and had a great sense of humor!! I took a golf clinic last year. The game is hard, but I would give it my best shot and laugh at myself in the process.

I think it's nice that you are trying to be creative duk!

Karona
Posted By: Karona Re: Dating Advice - 05/06/06 06:22 PM
Quote
P.S. - Leave dancing out of it. Have you ever seen a duk dance? Not pretty and a very humbling experience! It's happened but only when in conjunction with way too many cocktails for a first date.

I've got the full visual.......yikes.

But hey, at least you know not to go there again!
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 05/06/06 07:14 PM
oh duk, you really make me laugh! why don't you go and bump karona's cart, you two sound like you would have fun! lol

for first date stuff I am open to just about anything. I like to have fun and I love to laugh. So something light the first date or two to get to know the person. I would do the golf thing. the target shooting... well... I am not big on the hunting thing, not opposed to it but... would not be my cup of tea. I do know how to shoot a gun, a pistol, but don't think I would do it for recreation.

as far as my marriage and talking about it... anyone I have spent any time with is aware I am divorcing and they know why and that is that. I don't go into it anymore and don't really relish talking about it. And I would think my date would not really want to talk about it either.

I like to talk, to really get to know someone, hear all about them, and laugh. You can have more serious dinner date type stuff a few dates later. I don't think you are going to be having a romantic candle light dinner gazing into someone else's eyes on a first date!

duk, I would totally go with the being creative thing. Why do dates have to be so official anyway? Just hook up and do something fun. Talk on the phone, over email, whatever, and get to know eachother. It should be more fun than everyone is making it out to be! Relax, breathe, and have fun. if date asks about marriage, just say you're divorced, and move on. that is all they need to know. if things get more serious than you can get into more details, otherwise, don't sweat it, ya know?

duk, karona, you guys crack me up!
mlhb
Posted By: gekko Re: Dating Advice - 05/13/06 11:54 AM
i miss posting in this thread. i haven't been to the grocery store lately, and i am very hungry.
Posted By: mlhbisme Re: Dating Advice - 05/13/06 12:44 PM
gee gekko.... i don't think you need to be shopping anymore..

i think your cart got bumped a while back too and you just have not fessed up yet... lol

sorry you to hear you so hungry... sometimes you have to feel that hunger for quite sometime so that when you actually meet, i mean get, a good meal (a really good person is what I am saying here...) you will appreciate them even more....

just a thought....
mlhb
Posted By: gekko Re: Dating Advice - 05/19/06 01:46 PM
the only thing i am "fessing up too" is that i was in a grocery store a few weeks ago.

eyeroll
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