Its been a long time.... Hi All
I am a 3 month newleywed and doing great with my new H. Its been many years since the affair began... divorced several years from XWS.

This last weekend we were going away, it was our 3 month anniversary. I was packing and looked for the phone and saw it was in use... then found him talking in the back room and my heart sunk and suddanly it all came rushing back. I was shocked at how strong it was. I figured he was maybe talking to his kids and let it go. When we arrived at the hotel, there was a beautiful gift basket for me there, and he was like a little kid as he decribed ordering it in secret on the phone.

I felt bad for my momentary suspicions, and so happy to be in this loving relationship, I don't want to ruin this by suspecting him or withdrawing because of triggers.

Has anyone delt with it and been sucessfull? Any tips?

Hm... I take my triggers as... like some scars a patient after a surgery might have, forever... When hurting again, I cuddle them and embrace and kiss all of them with love and care, tell them they are just mine and I don't give them to anyone, they are part of me, helped me to be what I am Now, and my eternal reminders what my life should be ...
Like a bad dream... you open your eyes and you see it was just a bad dream of Yesterday, and you hurry to embrace sunshine of Today...
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Lora, Nice to see you and so happy for you that your new marriage is going so well. Sorry though to hear you're still being triggered by the infidelity experience. I really like the advice from B2M. I think anything we can do to love and nurture ourselves is great.

As for me, I'm still single... I don't remember if I told you my divorce was final on 5/10 and my property settlement was final yesterday, 9/13! It was funny, after looking forward to this day literally for many years, the ending was bittersweet...

B2M,

Wonderful advice. I tend to beat myself up for not being perfect instead of accepting myself.... Thank you.

Letstry... great to hear from you. I knew of the divorce, but am so happy to hear of the closure the settlement must bring. I know it probably was not exactly what you wanted... but at least its over and you can know what you are dealiing with. {{{{{Letstry}}}}

Yup, that self-acceptance is crucial, no matter what we're going through! XH actually accepted my offer as is, no tweaking, so it was amazingly smooth after the years of stalling. But now I kind of feel a void in the place where I've been pouring energy for the past 6 years - 1st trying to save my marriage, then trying to get divorced. I need some time to regroup and then hopefully come up with something (or even someone) exciting to fill that space!

Hey, Lora. I think you handled the trigger perfectly. I think of it like this. Our brains are like computers. The memories of past events get stored away, and even if we “delete” them, they’re still there… until they are over-written.

So, your memory about your XWS was lurking around and your brain came the “logical” conclusion based on its stored data. However, it’s probably now been overwritten with the new information: H on secret phone call = good surprise for me!

I admire how you took a step back, made a decision to trust, short-circuited your trigger, and allowed your relationship to flourish. Way to go!

Thats a great idea...secrets can be good things again.

I made sure to thank him very well for the gift to make sure it was a positive experiance for both of us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I think even if I had freaked on him he would have understood. Our communication is at such a good place.

all i can say is that i relate and that i think that years and years of infidelity take a toll on you and that even when you are with someone you trust there is sometimes that moment in the back of your mind.. just remember your new h is NOT your ex. that is what i remind myself of. not all men are like our exes were. it is almost like you've been brainwashed yea know? so many years of a man being sneaky and lying... it puts you on guard.

i do believe it does completely fade with time and sometimes it just does take a really long time.

mlhb

Hi Lora, Glad to read that you have gone beyond the mess of X's infidelity, the divorce, and finding a new husband. Very happy for you.
Triggers, when do they end? I'll let you know when it happens for me.

MLHB

Infidelity the gift that keeps on giving....

Of course I am not known for letting go easily... hence my long time dealing with XH. So many lessons to be learned. I think I am making progress though.

BELLE!

How are you? Do you have an update somewhere? I see you posting now and then, but have been wondering how you are doing.