What would I say to my old boyfriend???? - 11/28/07 07:53 AM
Ok, I called an old boyfriend, I mean a man I dated 20 years ago the other night, after a few drinks - or I wouldn't have had the guts to do it. We had quite a romance in the good old days, he was the boy next door. I went off to college, told him I'd come back then traveled the world, moved to another state and was caught up in my career.
I have a box of letters from him, they are cute. He used to write to me in Alaska, Europe, and out of state. Sweet simple love letters. So when I called him the night before Thanksgiving I'll admit I was drinking because I feel lonely around the Holidays. I rambled on about how he was the cutest guy ever, how I had such a crush on him...
Then something about my dad dying, when I was home driving by the old pasture, reminicing about him, and god forbid I told him through the years I've had these repetitive dreams - and I have - I didn't detail them, but they were about him and I, the horses, the pasture, simple scenes of the place I grew up. I've had them for years and years, maybe once a month, every other month, I don't know.
I continued to drink a little vodka as this was making me more nervous, being on the phone with HIM. I hadn't seen or talked to him in 10 years. About 10 years ago I showed up, called him first, went to his house, we kissed, he had a semi girlfriend. Now his story is he dumped her, had another girlfriend for 10 years, and that just ended and he's starting to date someone else... why did he never marry and have kids? I asked him, wasn't that what he wanted? He said he still could.
Now here's where the vodka was getting to me. I think it was something about come home - I said I'm about to turn 40 - we could still do it - and then we'd live happily ever after. I woke up the next day with a hangover. Somehow I fell asleep and couldn't remember really saying goodbye to him, or how this ended. I couldn't have drank that much I don't think. I don't even know if in the end I made sense.
I was rambling about how I traveled the world, and I remember how I pathetically went on and on about my ex, how mean he was, you know... told him about my little boy, he couldn't believe I had one. My brothers who are jerks, why I didn't come home as much in my 20s as I should have because of family issues. Don't tell me I confessed it all?
Anyways I'm thinking of writing him a letter, he said when I'm in my home state next visiting family I should just come up to his house and say hello. I told him I would I believe. Anyways should I say sorry for drinking and being stupid or would he have figured that out, at least in the end of course he had to have right? I'm such an idiot. Or should I just say, nice chatting with you, enclose a picture of me and my boy maybe? I don't know... I feel like I really want to send a letter out.
Tonight I stayed up late and something clicked - I wrote a poem about the valley I grew up in. About how I'd like to go back for a day. And I described all of the things I enjoyed as a girl. This didn't include him. I thought maybe I'd send him a copy. The significance however is THIS - I've been quite depressed, not myself, I used to write poems and songs in my younger years, I always kept journals, I have journals of our times together for years. I haven't written about happy things for a very long time. Only things in my journals in most of my 30s are about the jerk I married, our fights, you name it... did I lose a decade? I've been depressed lately and I feel this is a sign that I might be snapping out of it.
He used to admire me because I was so spirited, in love with life and adventure. I had wanderlust, wanted to go everywhere, be everything... he was a homebody, I don't know that he was really waiting for me, he wasn't, nor was I him, but we just stayed in each other's lives for years, I don't know what it really was. He used to say there was such a spark. Chemistry. Joy. Young love was a part of it I'm sure.
So A. Should I write the letter? B. What should I say? C. Should I see him when I'm in my homestate and D. How strange will it be?
Thanks
I have a box of letters from him, they are cute. He used to write to me in Alaska, Europe, and out of state. Sweet simple love letters. So when I called him the night before Thanksgiving I'll admit I was drinking because I feel lonely around the Holidays. I rambled on about how he was the cutest guy ever, how I had such a crush on him...
Then something about my dad dying, when I was home driving by the old pasture, reminicing about him, and god forbid I told him through the years I've had these repetitive dreams - and I have - I didn't detail them, but they were about him and I, the horses, the pasture, simple scenes of the place I grew up. I've had them for years and years, maybe once a month, every other month, I don't know.
I continued to drink a little vodka as this was making me more nervous, being on the phone with HIM. I hadn't seen or talked to him in 10 years. About 10 years ago I showed up, called him first, went to his house, we kissed, he had a semi girlfriend. Now his story is he dumped her, had another girlfriend for 10 years, and that just ended and he's starting to date someone else... why did he never marry and have kids? I asked him, wasn't that what he wanted? He said he still could.
Now here's where the vodka was getting to me. I think it was something about come home - I said I'm about to turn 40 - we could still do it - and then we'd live happily ever after. I woke up the next day with a hangover. Somehow I fell asleep and couldn't remember really saying goodbye to him, or how this ended. I couldn't have drank that much I don't think. I don't even know if in the end I made sense.
I was rambling about how I traveled the world, and I remember how I pathetically went on and on about my ex, how mean he was, you know... told him about my little boy, he couldn't believe I had one. My brothers who are jerks, why I didn't come home as much in my 20s as I should have because of family issues. Don't tell me I confessed it all?
Anyways I'm thinking of writing him a letter, he said when I'm in my home state next visiting family I should just come up to his house and say hello. I told him I would I believe. Anyways should I say sorry for drinking and being stupid or would he have figured that out, at least in the end of course he had to have right? I'm such an idiot. Or should I just say, nice chatting with you, enclose a picture of me and my boy maybe? I don't know... I feel like I really want to send a letter out.
Tonight I stayed up late and something clicked - I wrote a poem about the valley I grew up in. About how I'd like to go back for a day. And I described all of the things I enjoyed as a girl. This didn't include him. I thought maybe I'd send him a copy. The significance however is THIS - I've been quite depressed, not myself, I used to write poems and songs in my younger years, I always kept journals, I have journals of our times together for years. I haven't written about happy things for a very long time. Only things in my journals in most of my 30s are about the jerk I married, our fights, you name it... did I lose a decade? I've been depressed lately and I feel this is a sign that I might be snapping out of it.
He used to admire me because I was so spirited, in love with life and adventure. I had wanderlust, wanted to go everywhere, be everything... he was a homebody, I don't know that he was really waiting for me, he wasn't, nor was I him, but we just stayed in each other's lives for years, I don't know what it really was. He used to say there was such a spark. Chemistry. Joy. Young love was a part of it I'm sure.
So A. Should I write the letter? B. What should I say? C. Should I see him when I'm in my homestate and D. How strange will it be?
Thanks