Today is my Bday. I woke up thinking of my birth mother who gave me up for adoption and who I have had 2 letters from.... mostly her saying how she could never tell her family about me because she is so religious.

It is about 9 years since my H infidelity and my time here at MB.

I am remarried to a wonderful man who is open and honest and communicative, but I still have some of the scars of the past.I have grown alot, I love myself more and can speak up for myself sometimes.

But its hard to live in the moment and not reflect back on the past. Today I feel the old pain of rejection and being unloved. I wonder if it is so embedded in my cells that it will always be a part of me.

Happy birthday.

It must be hard to think that your birth mom gave you up. Can you think of it in terms of her wanting what was best for you? Or maybe God led her to put you up for adoption because God figured she'd make a terrible mother. Certainly, her letters don't seem to make it seem like she'd be a terrific mom.

I don't think the old pains completely go away. I think it's part of who we were.

Memory is a marvelous gift. But, as you know, there are somethings which we'd rather not recall. But I am thankful that when I remember I had a toothache, I don't actually feel the pain again. I just remember it was there. That's enough for me.


It is remembering things like you are that cause me and many others to have such a difficult time accepting, without reservation, God's love for us. ( This was a passing thought I included for no particular reason )

I like to think that our lives aren't just the sum totals of our genetics, but of our experiences too. That might sound obvious, except that too often, people look back at regrets as only that; regrets. They are experiences and they're opportunities as well. Opportunities to learn and grow and become better than we were before.

Your adoption, your first M and your D are experiences. They help to frame your existence and give you a reference for making choices. It's how you make those choices that will ultimately define them.

I regret my D. I made a lot of mistakes with my M. I can't go back in time and undo any of them. I could choose to ignore them. I could choose to slant the reason for the existence to avoid blame and feel better. Instead I choose to embrace them and remember them vividly and understand their roots in order not to repeat them.

Seems to me like not enough people do that.

Thanks you all.

I know my past experiance has made me what I am and I am generally pretty happy. My divorce certainly turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Well, alot of disguise... but it propelled me toward change that I would not have otherwise been ready to deal with.

Adoption seems to be somthing that I have to deal with over and over again. I think I have it resolved and understand my emotions about it, and then years later it is back again.

Just feeling sort of melloncoly today and I appreciate your comments and support.

Lora,

Happy Birthday!!!! Seriously celebrating you are on this earth, part of everyone on this planet.

You are very blessed and very much a blessing, too.

I know it comes and goes (sometimes for years). Does for me. I stopped thinking it was behind me...because it's in me...so of course it's going to come and go...and it usually signals I'm abandoning in myself...something I justified putting away or denying, not saying...and then that unmoored feeling comes to let me know I've strayed again from what I know is real, and right now.

Our feelings come to pass...not to resolve anything; or be resolved. Just signals to us about our beliefs, resulting from our actions or those of others.

You know what I think we fear most in this life? Is experiencing how greatly loved we really are before we can speak one word or choose a single action. I think we fear how pervasive love really is--because we're made of it.

And that's not just me blowing hot air all over your candles.

LA

PS...Sometimes when my adoption gallops by me, I hear the phrase "You were given away" and instead staying in the immediate "thrown away" mode, I think...I was given like the gift I am. I am a gift. Happy Birthday.

You both really are gifts!!!!

Here's another thought. When something keeps coming back up, it could be because you've grown and changed and you need to deal with it again from your perspective.

For example, I bet it came up big time when you had your own child. New perspective means we often have to revisit our understanding and sense of what happened in the past.