Support for New Stepmom - 01/10/09 09:13 PM
Hi everyone...
I've been reading on MB for ages, but I think I've only posted to someone once. I am looking for some advice or words of encouragement regarding dealing with my stepkids and their father, my husband.
I am newly married, and my husband is previously divorced with two kids (girls). When I say 'kids', I guess I mean that loosely... they are both teenagers. They're great kids, and we get along very well. I've taken them out lots for 'girl time' and they were even my bridesmaids at our wedding.
The problem is... I dread having them stay at our home for extended periods of time (they live full-time with their mother and are here every other weekend and for longer visits during holidays). Their relationship with their dad bothers me a lot. To be clear, he loves them VERY much and is VERY good to them and they are clearly very close. But he still treats them very much as if they were small children - they always talk in 'baby talk' voices, he reads them stories and 'puts them to bed' at night. He 'hovers' over every little thing they do and 'manages' every minute of their day. His daughters know that they can manipulate dad by acting very childlike, and so they behave that way always - when they are around him, anyway.
Besides just being extremely annoyed by this, I honestly feel it's bad for the girls. I can't see them being able to communicate in the world in an adult manner, or be independent and think for themselves. There is trouble with not getting assignments in at school and failing classes (his oldest is destroying any chance she'd have at getting into any college). She called the other day in a crying temper tantrum because her boss at her part-time job was scheduling her for too many hours! Now, he did give her good advice on how to deal with it as an adult would, but the mixed signals about behavior must be confusing in the extreme!
I've talked to him about how he communicates with them, and he gets pretty upset with me for suggesting there is anything wrong with the way he parents. He feels that he is just closer with his kids than most dads are, and refuses to see that there is any damage being done.
Now, before anyone jumps in and suggests that they are craving attention because of their parents' divorce, they have certainly always been top priority by both their Mom and Dad, never 'abandoned' (their co-parenting is very cordial). The divorce was also final many years ago and they talk to their dad every single day if they're not together. There is nothing to suggest that they feel neglected by their dad. We've also gone out of our way to make sure they feel welcome with us and that our home is their home too. To me, it just seems that they all get something out of the 'childlike behavior' thing. He gets to feel needed (which he seems to like in general), and they know that they're pleasing dad by being his 'little girls'. I understand the appeal of this, it's nice to always be 'daddy's girl' (I still am too!), but it just seems so imbalanced to me. There should be a certain amount of changeover to 'adult-like' behavior so that they can learn how to be independent women and not have to rely on a man for everything. When I first met them, I thought their relationship was charming and sweet. But the older the girls get, the more warped it seems.
This is a long post, sorry about that. How do I handle this? Do I just leave it alone? As a step-mom, is it any of my business? What about the fact that I can't stand to be around it? Should I have to feel like I can't stand being in my own home whenever they're here? (I should add that they've never had chores in their daily life, and the way they treat our home like some kind of hotel where they expect to be picked up after is so disrespectful - problem is, I don't think they have any concept of what they're doing. They don't even know how to do laundry!).
So in conclusion - I feel very strongly that they've been kept in a child-like state waaaaay longer than they should have been, and I can see them now suffering for it, and I worry so much for their futures. What can/should I do - if anything?
cp
I've been reading on MB for ages, but I think I've only posted to someone once. I am looking for some advice or words of encouragement regarding dealing with my stepkids and their father, my husband.
I am newly married, and my husband is previously divorced with two kids (girls). When I say 'kids', I guess I mean that loosely... they are both teenagers. They're great kids, and we get along very well. I've taken them out lots for 'girl time' and they were even my bridesmaids at our wedding.
The problem is... I dread having them stay at our home for extended periods of time (they live full-time with their mother and are here every other weekend and for longer visits during holidays). Their relationship with their dad bothers me a lot. To be clear, he loves them VERY much and is VERY good to them and they are clearly very close. But he still treats them very much as if they were small children - they always talk in 'baby talk' voices, he reads them stories and 'puts them to bed' at night. He 'hovers' over every little thing they do and 'manages' every minute of their day. His daughters know that they can manipulate dad by acting very childlike, and so they behave that way always - when they are around him, anyway.
Besides just being extremely annoyed by this, I honestly feel it's bad for the girls. I can't see them being able to communicate in the world in an adult manner, or be independent and think for themselves. There is trouble with not getting assignments in at school and failing classes (his oldest is destroying any chance she'd have at getting into any college). She called the other day in a crying temper tantrum because her boss at her part-time job was scheduling her for too many hours! Now, he did give her good advice on how to deal with it as an adult would, but the mixed signals about behavior must be confusing in the extreme!
I've talked to him about how he communicates with them, and he gets pretty upset with me for suggesting there is anything wrong with the way he parents. He feels that he is just closer with his kids than most dads are, and refuses to see that there is any damage being done.
Now, before anyone jumps in and suggests that they are craving attention because of their parents' divorce, they have certainly always been top priority by both their Mom and Dad, never 'abandoned' (their co-parenting is very cordial). The divorce was also final many years ago and they talk to their dad every single day if they're not together. There is nothing to suggest that they feel neglected by their dad. We've also gone out of our way to make sure they feel welcome with us and that our home is their home too. To me, it just seems that they all get something out of the 'childlike behavior' thing. He gets to feel needed (which he seems to like in general), and they know that they're pleasing dad by being his 'little girls'. I understand the appeal of this, it's nice to always be 'daddy's girl' (I still am too!), but it just seems so imbalanced to me. There should be a certain amount of changeover to 'adult-like' behavior so that they can learn how to be independent women and not have to rely on a man for everything. When I first met them, I thought their relationship was charming and sweet. But the older the girls get, the more warped it seems.
This is a long post, sorry about that. How do I handle this? Do I just leave it alone? As a step-mom, is it any of my business? What about the fact that I can't stand to be around it? Should I have to feel like I can't stand being in my own home whenever they're here? (I should add that they've never had chores in their daily life, and the way they treat our home like some kind of hotel where they expect to be picked up after is so disrespectful - problem is, I don't think they have any concept of what they're doing. They don't even know how to do laundry!).
So in conclusion - I feel very strongly that they've been kept in a child-like state waaaaay longer than they should have been, and I can see them now suffering for it, and I worry so much for their futures. What can/should I do - if anything?
cp